Chapter 14

Sour lemons here, seriously. Sexual content…technically.

Her eyes are in a daze as her body rocks back and forth, she grips her bed holding balance and thinks about her Medieval Literature paper that's due a few days. Stifling a yawn she shakes her hair out her face and pushes back up on the mattress, the sweat on her temples acting like a glue making the process all the more frustrating. Her phone vibrates and she peeks at her dresser to see "Pheebs" on the screen but can't make out the rest, she thought about reaching for it until she hears a loud grunt.

'Finally.'

A man's body topples on her, sweating, she reaches for her phone to read the text but falls short as the man's arm reaches and tries to pull her over. She adjusts her t-shirt and instead opts to move to throw pants on.

"Where do you think you're going?" The man states commandingly.

Helga annoyed scoffs, "I'm going to the library Wolfgang, you trip Alzheimer's and forget I was a student? I've got a scholarship to keep I don't have time to fuck around."

Wolfgang confidently utters, "Well apparently you had a little time..."

Helga rolls her eyes "And now I have to get to it, I'm gonna be at the library did you want to grab food or something on the way?" She pleads a 'no' in her head.

Wolfgang pathetically "Can I get a kiss?" He puckers his lips, Helga rolls her eyes again and gives him a quick peck. "Nah, I was gonna chill with some of the guys back at the quad. I'll catch you later, call me when you get to the library."

"Okay, I gotta go." She rushes to pick up her work from her desk and her planner, then rushes out the door. "Just lock up before you leave okay?"

Wolfgang salutes lightly "Get your ass back here soon, unlike you I kinda like your company. A little..."

Helga smirks "I'll try, I've got a big plate to get through over the next week." The door shuts and she sighs frustrated, dissatisfied, and confused. On her way to the library she flicks open her phone stuffing her earbuds into her pocket, she dials back 'Pheebs' and impatiently awaits the dial tone.

Wolfgang stretches out on Helga's bed, exhales satisfied and folds his arms behind his head. Smiling and restless he looks around the room thinking about what exams he has coming up and what to have for breakfast but all that comes to mind was how messy the room was.

He always influenced the room like a tornado does the Midwest, "Man. I'm one messy bastard, gahh. Sorry hun. Okay, I should probably deflate the mattress for her too and then maybe throw a load of laundry in for her."

He rolled off the bed plopping on the nearby mattress only a foot below, he attempts to roll off but the mattress was partially deflated creating a comfortable trench of air and old sheets. During his struggle pink and yellow sticky notes clung under her desk like bats in a cave, his curiosity getting the better of him he checks the notes.

'She might need a few reminders on those notes, who knows.'

He tries to convince himself he's potentially helping Helga out, however his lips purse flatly when he realizes he can't even kid himself. He was being nosy and his curiosity was unsticking those notes from underneath the desk. He peels the first pink one back, "PASS: pinkbowsnooneknows." He peels the only yellow one back, " ."

Wolfgang grits his teeth, his mind entering a minor panic because a man's user to something was hidden. "Who the hell is this little terd?"

His curiosity feeling justified he continues on to the last pink stick note with an angry zeal. He peels back the last pink note back, "SKYPE USER: RobotLouisStevenson PASS: pinkbowsnooneknows118."

He grins and scoffs out loud without realizing, "She really needs to change her passwords up or something."

In his head numerous gears click and he snatches her computer, inputting the skeleton key he had been seeking. Each key felt like a digital tumbler being clicked in the right direction, his obsession to understand what was really on her mind felt closer to an end.

'Welcome'

He was in.

"Now…who the hell is ' ?'" Clicking into Skype he enters her user and password, he felt like an FBI agent cracking into key files of a suspect he'd been trailing for years his 'case' coming to a close.

' ' last seen online 1day ago.'

The mystery man's bubble was 'grey' indicating he was not online, Wolfgang clicks into the chat menu, the history was very brief only three lines long.

(2:18am): "Hey, late night?"

.Stevenson (2:20am): .Stevenson is online

.Stevenson (2:20am): "Yeah, can't sleep. Talk to me?"

Wolfgang angrily types into the chat bar 'who the fuck are you?' He then deletes the message realizing he would never get the information he needed this way and it would only blow his shot at finding the truth. Instead he pulls out his phone and closes out all programs being sure to log out in the process.

"Hey." Phoebe's voice was soft, like she was about to nap.

"Hey Pheebs, sorry I never read your text I was with Wolfgang. What's up, you get back okay?"

Phoebe's voice picks up as if waking up "Hey, umm yeah I got back and went straight to sleep last night. Not much just homework and getting some plans together for Halloween. Gerald and I were curious if you wanted to come with us?"

Helga sighs "Nah can't Pheebs I already got plans with Wolfgang."

She responds concerned "Helga are you okay? You sound off."

"I'm fine okay." she responds frustrated.

There's an awkward pause. "You know you can talk to me Helga. You're going through a lot I can hear it. You know what I may as well say it-"

Helga flatly, "Don't. I know what you're gonna say. I'm still sorting a lot of shit through my head okay?"

Phoebe shouts "Helga you didn't even hear me out, you don't know what I was going to say! For god's sakes I caught you ducking into a bathroom as I was coming back from the library this past weekend! With someone."

Helga gasps. "...shit."

Phoebe takes a breath and continues, "Yeah, shit. Now you listen good! It's no secret I hate Wolfgang, but if he actually makes you happy then I can't want anything more for you. But here's the 'secret': he doesn't. You know it. I know it. That's why you ducked off into bathroom or god knows what else! You're not satisfied with what you have, you shouldn't cope like this! It's unhealthy!"

There's a pause, Helga's breath shaking with her hands positively seething. Helga shouts into her phone "YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT'S GOING THROUGH MY HEAD! MY BODY! NOBODY DOES!" Her fists are balled up, mind in a coil, she continues to walk to the school gardens for privacy. She huffs some tears back into her eyes, flips her hair back to gain composure.

There's a pause. "...sorry Pheebs. I know you're looking out for me. I'm just messed up right now. I just never feel happy or satisfied or anything, I feel this huge hole. I've seen therapists here, they're not Bliss. I can't connect with them, for them it isn't...personal. You know? Every time I feel this way I get this ache and then I just need to find release. It's like doing a drug, it's like. It's like an escape for a bit. I don't know crimeny my head's fucked. I feel lost as hell here."

"I can empathize, it's not easy they see so many students and they just lose touch after a while. It's not a good thing but that's how I perceive you being unable to make a connection. I just need to ask one thing, how long has this been going on?" Phoebe's tone was scared but firm, thick with anticipation for her response.

Helga's voice goes soft with shame, "I wanna say like a few weeks or so, not long."

Phoebe remaining firm she continues, "How frequent?"

Helga's voice picks up, feeling like she's with a doctor now. "It's sporadic, sometimes two people in one night, sometimes it's just me by myself the whole week, but it hasn't been that long. Jeez, this is really weird, are you okay with me telling you all this?"

Phoebe responds in a kind voice, "I'm in no position to make a diagnoses, but I'm also not going to judge," in a deep tone "Damn it Jim I'm an engineer not a doctor!"

Helga chuckles, "Yeah, I know Pheebs. You and Arnold are all I got on this one though sorry to throw the weight on your shoulders here."

Phoebe chirps "Holding!" she pauses "Seriously Helga, I may not have answers but I have ears. I'll always listen, just understand my input is only as valuable as my knowledge and experience. All it knows is how to honestly try to be happy, so that's where I'm going to speak from."

Helga nods in an impressed manner, "True that. So...what do you have going on this Halloween-" Her phone buzzes with a text from Wolfgang. 'who the fuck is whimsical gentleman'. Her heart sinks, "Phoebe, I might have to go-"

"Why? I thought we were about to talk about Halloween? We actually had plans and thought you could-" Phoebe gets cut off by Helga's frightened tone.

"Pheebs, I might have to go." Helga repeats herself clenching her jaw.

"Helga is it Wolfgang? You shouldn't have to be afraid, maybe you should stay at friends' place or call campus security or something." Phoebe rattling ideas off desperately.

"He figured out my password, asshole probably found the sticky note stuck under my desk. How the hell?!" She pauses, "…whatever, he doesn't know it's Arnold, it should be okay. Just. Hahhh fuck." Helga exasperated pulls her hair lightly, "Honestly, it's not what he'll do to me, I'm more concerned what he'll do to himself."

Phoebe in a flustered tone blurts out "He was on your computer sneaking around?! I mean if he was a real adult he'd ask you upfront or something or at least not make you feel afraid. I don't know. Kuso yaro! Ughhh! Helga. What does he know about you and Arnold?"

Helga stressed begins regaining her composure out of anger "Honestly, not much other than what I already told you. He just doesn't know about Skyping him. Fuuuuuckkkkk. This is so messed up. Why did I even text Arnold? I should've just left it at summer. Hell, I shouldn't have done anything this summer! Now he's dragged into this. Christ on a cracker." Helga runs her fingers through her hair searching for temporary relief.

Phoebe pauses, then calmly begins "Helga, it's not exactly a secret with you and Arnold. You still have feelings for him you and I know that. He probably-"

Helga flatly "Does. He does. Go ahead, sorry."

Phoebe continues "So what's the problem exactly? I'm sorry this is gonna be harsh, permission to be a best friend?"

"Granted." Helga flatly, yet humorously responds.

Phoebe takes a breath, "Why can't you just kick Wolfgang to the curb? You don't have to be with Arnold to be happy, but you feel for him and we all know you do so why not at least give yourself some time to yourself to sort that out for you. What makes you happy in your own mind? Arnold's a stand-up guy, I know he'd respect you if you spoke to him about this honestly and just cleared things up between you two and then took some time to yourself until you're ready to make a decision."

"Pheebs." Helga smiles.

"Yes?" She chirps.

"I love you. The only love I've been comfortable with is with you right now, thanks for being a friend." Helga lets a tear slip and promptly wipes it off looking around to see if anyone noticed despite being in a single dorm. "There's one flaw with all this." She pauses, afraid to finish.

"Helga, you can tell me. It's okay."

"Okay," Helga sighs deeply "yes I love Arnold, I've only made love to Arnold. I'm deeply attracted to Arnold. But. I can't stop..." She pauses long.

Phoebe softy encourages "Helga I won't judge you, get it off your chest."

Helga sighs hard. "I can't stop...doing things with people, it's so easy because there's no connection. I've cheated on Wolfgang more times than I care to count and I think he's starting to catch on. But he keeps threatening suicide every time I try to create distance and he's always looking so scared. I can't leave him like that. But this hole is so damn big, and right now I also don't want to throw it on Arnold to fix it."

Phoebe's voice lowers "Helga I'm so sorry. I'm going to say something very real, possibly even outside my boundaries."

Helga confused and scared "...go ahead?"

"Helga, you don't deserve that. If he was going to do it he would have done it already, and to be honest if he did it would be in his own hands not yours. He's a college student which means he has half a brain in that bucket he calls a head. And that means he can make his own choices, he's a big boy. Next, you doing this to him is stringing him along, lying to him. You should be ashamed of yourself. This isn't who you are. The time with Arnold made sense, it was wrong but it made sense. You're one of the most honest people I know, one of the most decent. This isn't you Helga. When you had a problem you may have not been the best about your emotions, but you were always the better person in your actions. This is just no way to cope with emptiness or shame or whatever. Also, if Wolfgang really wanted to fix his situation he would have gotten therapy like you did. He needs his own Dr. Bliss, he needs some self-respect, and you two aren't actually healthy for each other. Honestly it seems like your caring for him makes you an enabler for his behavior. Okay I'm done now sorry."

Helga in wonder "Pheebs I could kiss you right now. I'm just scared though, I don't want to abandon anyone but most of all I don't want to hurt Arnold. I mean crimeny, after we made love last summer I left the next morning because I didn't want to wake him up with my crying. I cry any time anything intimate happens, well technically only Arnold so far. After we Skyped I cried my damn heart out til I fell asleep."

Phoebe curious "What did Arnold do that made you cry?"

Helga sighs, "Nothing bad he's just really sweet and earnest, I'm not used to it. You should have heard what he read me. I won't forget it, it was actually a huge turn on." Helga exhales with a shiver, "'Our hands together make a ten-finger family, when we squeeze tight we're home.'"

Phoebe wide-eyed "Wow. He said that?"

Helga softly "Uh huh..." Her eyes half-lidded "That boy can melt his way to my heart..."

Phoebe laughs "And in between your legs apparently..."

Helga in disbelief "PHOEBE!? Hahahaha! I'd expect that one from Gerald, but YOU? Wow. You've become a little harlot haven't you? There's still that whole story I have to tell you, the other half I forgot to get to it this past weekend. Arnold and I skyped recently, he's the 'Whimsical Gentleman' in case it wasn't obvious already."

Phoebe urges her to continue with a reassuring "Um hmmm."

Helga blows her bangs out of her face, then continues with the memory. "We skyped not too long ago and things got really intimate, like more so than during the end of summer. It probably had to do with the fact that we were sober and we were speaking to one another at the same level. He has his own issues he's facing and honestly I feel bad one hand and concerned on another, he's been angry believe it or not, not like abusive angry. I don't' know, but I'm still wrapping my head around that one a little bit, he was really honest about it though. Like with him I know what to expect even if I can't predict it you know? Except for one thing, we almost told one another we loved each other over Skype. I couldn't begin to say it while he almost slipped completely, I just don't want to lie to him. I'm really confused right now. I want to love him, I'm head over heels for the guy, but I'm dealing with these urges and this hole in me. Like an impulse where I need a total stranger just to feel something intense with no attachments, no weight, no consequences, just abandon. And then Arnoldo reads me the most beautiful thing, healing the ache for a moment, and melts his way to my heart and…..between my legs. Again."

"AGAIN HELGA?! Wait. How, I thought you two were talking over Skype?" Phoebe cocks her head even though Helga can't see it, her inquisitiveness in body language matches her tone.

Helga shyly shrugs her shoulders "I mean….cyber-sex is a thing you know."

Phoebe pauses, almost sarcastically she casts judgment, "Helga that's like getting to third base with someone only to wind up with a foul ball. It's. Ah heck, you have fun at least?"

Helga excitedly responds "Yes! It was really unexpected, great change of pace. It was really different, and trust me that boy-" She pauses re-evaluating Arnold for a moment, "That man. Ooofff. OOFFF!"

They both chuckle long and hardy, then a pause. "…..Pheebs, I'm a mess."

"I know." Phoebe says amused "But you shouldn't have to be, don't get comfortable with this."

Helga adjusts herself and begins walking back to the library her phone buzzing again, she ignores it. "I know Pheebs, I don't plan to be. I 'll figure something out."

"I'm glad, so...Halloween? You're Gerald and I's favorite third wheel...care to join us?" Phoebe asks mischievously trying to give Helga an out to change the subject.

Helga huffs "Hey. I'm nobody's third wheel," her voice drops "besides I already made plans with Wolfgang remember?"

Phoebes voice drops, "Oh that's right. Ahhh no worries," her tone shifts to reassuring "try to have some fun just be safe. Please. You should probably just spend it by yourself this year, trust me on that one it might not hurt. I realize that it might have been a bad move anyways considering Gerald'll probably invite Arnold."

Helga's pupils dilate and her eyes widen for just a moment, "Yeah it probably would have been a bad idea." Her breath shifts, her body heats up picturing his strong body, his words caressing her, his gaze holding her down. She continues heating up. "H-hey Pheebs, I, uh, gotta head to the library to get some work done, can I call you back in a few hours?"

Phoebe humors her "Sure, Helga. Keep it clean okay? Get some time to yourself."

Helga whimpers "Pheeebbbbss. I feel like I'm going to fucking explode. God I'm a mess. This is really weird, I need Bliss."

Phoebe matter-of-factly responds "Hey I get it, sometimes I need Gerald like valley girl needs a hashtag." They both chuckle "Seriously, he was just reaching up for a bin in my closet for me and I just jumped his bones," she shudders with pleasure "Helga, this. This in particular is nothing to be ashamed of. It's attraction to love, and you both feel mutually about each other. You just need to stop leading Wolfgang on and get your head straight. Figure out Arnold once you figured out yourself, he's worth that much I think."

Helga sadly lip quivering "Alright..." she opens the doors to the library "thanks a lot Pheebs. I'd seriously be lost without you, ever considered psychiatry?"

Without hesitation Phoebe sarcastically responds "Your problems are enough little lady," they both laugh "still, I'd take yours on for the rest of my days. Besides I like machines too much, they help me unravel the world to understand why things do. If that makes sense."

Helga nods "For you, it totally does. Phoebe, I love you and I don't get to say this to anyone nearly enough, thanks again for being someone I can say it to. I need it."

Phoebe moves hair from her face and smiles "I love you too Helga, you're my best friend. Now get to class you're gonna make me cry into my solder and cause my circuits to short!"

Helga chuckles "I was going to the library not class, thanks for listening. And I think you already did short circuit there Robocop."

Phoebe earnestly responds "Helga being your friend is my prime directive, you didn't know? That's all I do, I solder and wonder what can I do for you. Without you my purpose would cease and I'd probably weld myself to a bridge or something out of insanity or boredom."

Helga laughs "Well at least this machine's in working order. Okay about your business." They pause, "I'll call you later, thanks Pheebs."

"Of course!" Phoebe chirps.

Helga continues into the library, to the computer lab, throwing her earbuds in with a no-name band inaudibly pulsing through her eardrum. She opens up "Pillars of the Earth" about half way and begins reading until her phone buzzes again. It was Wolfgang.

'You know what happens when you avoid me.'

She clenches her teeth out of anger and fear, and swipes her phone to see three missed texts from Wolfgang.

'who the fuck is whimsical gentleman'

'you get to the library yet'

'you know what happens when you avoid me'

"Crimeny, for fucks sake!" Helga sets her phone down pondering how she's going to talk to him later. Even if he didn't figure out it was Arnold it's wasn't going to be pretty, playing the situation in her head it would be an argument into tears into make-up sex. She shuddered at the thought of his protruding canine biting her shoulder or his sweaty body grunting again. Helga felt a rope splintering in her mind, each thread unraveling, splitting, she clenched her jaw in anger exhaling doubt and concern through her teeth. A thread on the rope snaps in her mind and her gaze goes blank before sinking back into her book.

Without thinking about it she lightly exhales all her threads snapping into one word, "Enough."

She pulls out her notebook writing furiously, as if the friction alone could start a fire from the pen. She rips the paper from her notebook out and crumples it.

'Dear Wolfgang,'

"He's no longer dear to me." She crumples it again and tears out another sheet of paper.

'Wolf,

I have a confession you deserve to hear'

She pauses and thinks to herself, 'No more bullshit, no more lies. He needs this as much as I do.'