Chapter 14- She knows
"What are you doing tonight?" Jing-Mei asks as you both take your stethoscopes from your lockers.
"Nothing, really…". Because Abby already has plans. You don't mention that last part. You're becoming one of those couples that live exclusively for each other that you hate so much.
"Let's go salsa dancing! I miss going out with you guys! Do you think Abby's up for it?".
"I think she has plans for tonight…". She's going out with Neela.
"Okay, it's just us then. So we're on?".
"Sure!" you answer before she leaves.
You pour yourself a cup of coffee and Elizabeth comes in.
"Morning Susan".
"Good morning" you hand her a cup of coffee, she looks like she needs it.
"Oh, thank you…" She sits opposite you, you both sip at your coffees.
"How's Ella?" You and Elizabeth were never close, but you like her. And Ella's part of Mark. She has his kind eyes.
She smiles "Oh, each day's a new adventure…".
"And what about you?". She's surprised that you asked. Maybe it wasn't subtle but she seems so lonely these days.
She looks at her coffee, then faces you "Not great. Work, home, everyday…"she sighs.
"Chen and I are going out tonight… You should join us, Elizabeth".
"I would love to… But there's Ella…", she shrugs.
"You could get a babysitter… Come on! When was the last time you went salsa dancing?" you try to persuade her.
"Salsa dancing? I believe I never tried! Maybe I can call get a babysitter…".
You get up "Do that and let me know!".
"Thank you, Susan", Elizabeth smiles.
"You're welcome".
You see Neela and Abby gossiping in a corner. Neela stiffens when she sees you "Dr Lewis…".
"Morning Neela, Abby…". She gives you a look that you know so well. Your eyes lock for a second before you turn to Neela "GSW coming up…".
You go to the ambulance bay and Neela joins you. It's windy out there, you should have brought your coat.
Neela's burying her hands in her pockets "What do we know?".
"Gang fight. 12 year-old male, GSW to the left upper chest…Here they are!".
The kid's loosing so much blood, he's not going to make it. Neela keeps on doing CPR but you know it's useless. "Neela…".
She looks at you, her forehead is glistening with sweat, keeps on pumping on this kid's chest, her big dark eyes on you. You know what she's feeling, it still happens to you after all those years. Frustration, anger, sometimes even despair.
You nod at her and she stops. Looks at the clock "Time of death: 08.05".
The room becomes silent, just the sound of gloves and protections being torn.
"What a nice way to start the day…" she mumbles.
Pratt called in sick. It means Abby spent the day with you and Neela. You're not comfortable with this. You feel constantly on the edge: the involuntary brushes, the smell of her shampoo numbing you, the lingering looks.
But you have to treat Abby just like any other intern and it's not easy to be objective with someone you're in love. It always sounds personal, even when it's purely professional.
You got another GSW and the guy had both his lungs down. You told them to insert a chest tube each. Neela was quicker and got it right at the first try.
"Abby?" you can see she's struggling.
"I got it…". You check bilateral resps but Abby's side is still unresponsive.
"Abby, the lung's still collapsed! Are you sure you're in the thorax cavity?".
"Yes, I am" she answers back glaring at you.
You have to do something or the guy will lose the lung.
"Let me try…". Abby looks at you but finally gives in.
You explore with your finger, trying to relocate the tube "I got it… You nipped the neurovascular bundle! This is not your first chest tube, is it?".
She doesn't answer, just looks at you angered. You know that's just the way she is: stubborn, competitive and proud. But in the trauma room, things have to run smoothly. Always. Plus, everyone has bad days. "It's ok, Abby", you reassure her.
"Great work Neela, perfect timing! Call upstairs and book an OR". She smiles, nods and makes the phone call.
You go after Abby who's already out of the room. "Hey, are you ok?".
She looks at you for a moment ."You never compliment me like that!".
Oh. You weren't expecting this.
You lower your voice and look her in the eyes. "I give you all my love and my time which is the best compliment you can ever get". You know it's better to leave her alone when she's like that.
Corday approaches you "Susan! I called the babysitter and she can look after Ella tonight!".
"Oh, that's great!" You smile at her, she seems excited.
"I don't even remember the last time I went to a club! Rather sad, don't you think?".
"A child is very time consuming… I'm sure it's going to be fun!" you both chuckle and talk a little more until Elizabeth gets paged for a consult.
You go to your office to do some paperwork and after a while Abby knocks at the door. She enters, smiles faintly, sits opposite you.
"Huh… I'm sorry about earlier… I'm so stubborn, you know me…".
"It's ok. I'm sure you'll do great next time". Since you're together, she's really trying hard to open more, tell you what she feels, thinks. You're proud of her.
You get up, shut the curtains, Abby looks up at you expectantly. You stretch your hand and you both sit next to each other on the couch.
"I heard about the plans for tonight" Abby smiles.
"Deb and Pratt broke up again, she needs to have fun, I guess… It's a shame you can't join us. Corday's coming, too".
"Maybe next time…" she leans closer to you, brushes your lips. You close your eyes. It's so good to kiss Abby. Her hand is on your knee but you feel it on your thigh. You stop kissing her before you start losing control.
You have agreed to be careful at work and wait to get home when you feel like this. You clasp hands. She kisses the back of your hand, then your cheek and leaves.
You're finishing doing your hair when Elizabeth arrives. She looks beautiful and is all excited "It's not too much, is it?" she asks about her attire.
"No! You look great! Love your top… Just give me a minute I'm trying to tame my hair… make yourself at home…".
When you're back, she's looking at the various framed pictures you have in your living room. She holds one, you know which one it is. It's you and Mark. She looks at you, gives you a little smile "He still had some hair, here…".
You have to laugh "When I first met him he had hair. Curly blond hair!".
"You both look very happy…".
"It was at a surprise birthday party he and Doug threw for me…", you nod.
"I never slept with him, you know?". You've always wanted to tell her that.
She looks surprised "Uh… No, I didn't… But then, I never asked you. And Mark wouldn't tell me…". Elizabeth places the picture on the shelf, you're both quiet for a moment until someone rings at the door, it's Chen.
"You won't believe who had the nerve to call!" she fumes as she makes her way in.
"What did he say?" you ask while putting on your coat. "She broke up with Pratt, again…" you tell Elizabeth.
"That we should be friends. Then he asks 'can I come over, tonight?'".
"Men are pathetic", Elizabeth announces. From what Abby told you, she hasn't been very lucky with her dates, either.
You arrive at Havana, the place isn't crowded yet, so you go for one of the available tables and order your drinks.
A few margaritas later, three guys ask you all to dance. Jing-Mei, who's already tipsy, flirts noticeably with the Pratt lookalike. You're making small talk with the blonde one, Tom. They're lawyers, partners on some important law firm. Nice, witty guy. Exactly your type. Instead, you realize of how much you miss Abby and how special she is to you. You look at your mobile and there's a text message from her "Going to bed, have fun... Love u xxx".
Elizabeth seems to be getting on fine with Josh, they dance all night. Chen's making out with her guy. You feel a little numb from the alcohol, Tom is giving you his phone number.
You decide to call it a night. You say goodbye to your friends and politely decline Tom's invitation to take you home.
You take a shower before going to bed. The frenetic rhythm of the music's still in your head and you can't fall asleep. It sucks not to have Abby right next to you.
You have a busy week, both of you. Only managed to spend Wednesday night together, at her place. Steamy.
It's kind of hard to stick to your rule of no fun at work, especially when Abby spends all day teasing you. Like today. You feel her eyes on you all the time. Across the ER, you look up and there she is ominously smiling at you; or in trauma 1 when you're both trying to control the bleeder and she's pressing her body against your back, her head over your shoulder, you feel your skin tingle.
She scares the hell out of you when she enters your office. She smirks, locks the door, shuts the curtains. "Abby, what are you doing?".
She takes off her lab coat and stethoscope, places them on the arm of the couch, comes around the desk, sits on your lap, straddling you "You know what they say about fantasies…", kisses you so eagerly you think you're going to explode.
"Freud believed unfulfilled sex fantasies led to many psychological disorders, like hysteria, for example…", you run your hands under her shirt.
"This is your fantasy?", she licks your upper lip, you pull her against you and kiss her. The chair squeaks.
She rolls her tongue in your ear… mmm, you love that "My fantasy is to fuck you here, on your desk…".
This is crazy. We're going to get in trouble…
She gets up, you do the same, Abby's unbuttoning your shirt, looks at you for a second before diving her head in your chest, her tongue licking between your breasts. You hold her head close then take hold of her hand and slide it inside your panties.
You have to hold it not to moan too loud, Abby's licks her way up your chest, neck and stops at your ear "I love how wet you get for me…".
She pulls your pants and underwear down, pushes you slowly until your back's on the desk and she rests your ankles on her shoulders, her hand caressing you slowly, making you writhing under it. She sits on your chair, comes closer, parts you legs and you feel her warm mouth around you. You don't remember coming for so long.
Abby leads you to the couch, you cuddle up against her, she runs her hand through your hair. "You're getting better, each day…" you smile against her chest.
"That's because I love making love to you…" she says, you look up and kiss her.
"I'll have to punish you for breaking the rules, though…" she chuckles when you bite her earlobe.
"Really? I can't wait for that…",
You playfully slap her thigh "You naughty girl…".
She moans quietly "Mmm… That was nice…".
You raise a brow "Oh, you liked that?". You kiss her once more "I'll keep that in mind…".
The rest of the day goes by and you're actually in the lounge talking to Abby when Jerry comes in and tells you that Kerry wants you in her office. "Now?! I'm off!" he shrugs at you and leaves.
Abby locks her locker and smiles "I'll come by at 8. Is chinese ok?."
"Chinese is great… See you!".
You knock at the door and enter. Kerry's looking at some papers, peeks at you over her glasses "Susan… please take a seat".
"I hope this isn't going take too long, Kerry, I'm already off!" you moan.
She smirks "I don't think so, I just need to ask you something, just a minute…" She scribbles her signature on some papers, places them on a pile and looks at you.
"The LA hotel sent us the bills but there's something that doesn't make sense…" she runs her eyes through the bills "Tell me, you stayed in room 322, right?".
You think before answering "Huh, yeah. I was in 322 and Abby was in 324…".
Weaver smiles "Exactly. So how come you ordered breakfast for two from room 324, Monday the 5th".
Oh my God. This can't be happening.
You try to stay calm but your heart is racing and you feel your blood pressure going up. "That must be some kind of mistake…" you say, your voice breaking, you feel your cheeks getting warm.
"Coincidently, the next day, Abby ordered two coffees and two apple pies from your room…". You feel your legs going numb.
"What's your point, Kerry? They probably just got our names mixed…". You were always a terrible liar and you know she's not buying any of it.
"My point is that either you kept trading rooms or you were sleeping together". Kerry leans back on her chair, her eyes piercing you.
You're hyperventilating. You can't think straight. "I can't believe you just said that!".
"Calm down, Susan. Although I find it particularly interesting, I have to remind you that Abby is an intern and you know there are rules against relationships between interns and superiors, right?".
You just want to kill her.
"You don't know what you're talking about, Kerry! And I refuse to discuss my private life!", you get up abruptly and open the door.
"We'll discuss this when you calm down!" you hear her crying out.
You sit inside your car for a while. You're so nervous, you think you're going to throw up.
This can't be happening. Until a moment ago, your life seemed perfect… now, you just don't know what to do.
You know that Kerry's not the gossiping type but the fact that she knows will make your life more difficult. Thank God you assigned Pratt as Abby's supervisor.
Abby. What are you going to tell her? How? You don't want her to be known as someone who sleeps her way to the top. She doesn't deserve that. Because, that's what people will say, people are mean. You see it everyday. No one will believe that you truly love each other.
When Abby arrives, you try to act as normal as possible. You're obviously going to tell her but you want to sort things out with Kerry first.
Being around her is so nice that you almost stop thinking about it. You even laugh a little when she feeds you with her chopsticks and kisses you, tasting like sweet-and-sour.
She does ask you a few times if something's wrong but you just tell her you're tired.
But when in bed, Abby starts foreplay you realize you can't do this to her. It's not fair to be making love to her, when your head's somewhere else.
She realizes your unusual lack of enthusiasm, stops kissing you, caresses your cheek "What's wrong, Susan? You've been… distant all evening…".
At first you try to deny it "Huh, it's nothing, I'm just tired, really…" you smile in reassurance. She looks at you quietly, pulls away and lies on her side, looking at the ceiling. "Did I do something wrong? You were fine at the hospital…".
You prop yourself on your elbow "You did nothing wrong. You're wonderful...".
She sits on the bed "I know you. Something's wrong and you don't want to tell me. You don't trust me?".
"You know I do…" you hug her, being in her arms is so soothing.
She kisses the top of your head, asks you softly "Tell me what's going on, sweetie, please…".
You lean your back against the headboard, take a deep breath "Kerry found out".
At first she doesn't get it. "Found out what? What are you talking about?".
"About us, Abby. She knows about us…". You look at Abby, her eyes widen in shock, she looks at you dumbfounded.
After a few seconds, she asks "How does she know?".
"She got the hotel bills from LA and noticed we ordered from each other's rooms…".
"What did you say?", she's still in shock.
"I denied it at first, then I told her it wasn't her business… I bolted out. I didn't want you to know before I had a plan or something…" you shrug.
She looks at you for a moment "So you weren't going to tell me?".
"I didn't want you to worry… you have your presentations coming up…", you trail off. She nods, then looks you in the eye.
"You don't have to be the strong one always, Susan. Who's gonna take care of you?" she pulls you to a hug and you feel instantly better.
"I'll talk to Kerry. We get along fine, I'm sure she won't make a fuss about this..." she says while patting your hair.
"I love you so much… I don't want to lose you…" you mumble in her ear and kiss her cheek.
Abby holds your face in her hands, looks deeply in your eyes, the way only she does. "You're not going to lose me… We love each other, we're together, it's simple and no one gets in the way of that…".