"Door Fourteen"
Sam allowed himself to sink just a bit more back, wordlessly staring up at the ceiling and trying to free his heart from the presence of the jackhammer that worked on it. For several seconds it was beyond his capabilities to clear his mind or talk his voice into doing what he wanted it to.
Dean did a lot during those last few days, from not sleeping to letting things run over him to demolishing a complete motel furnishing and Sam just stood by helpless and for some crazy reason wishing, he was the goal of this wrath. At least this would have given him the opportunity to scream out his own grief.
This here was better in one way, but worse in the other. Sam didn't know his brother this way and it was difficult for him to react in the right way now, especially because he too could hardly deal with the loss. On the other hand, it was one of the few moments during which Dean let anyone get close to him.
Sitting up quietly, pushing back the dizziness, he pushed his legs past Dean on the floor and slid after them until he sat on the floor beside the older man. The distance between them stayed; no body contact. Usually Sam would have pushed him with his shoulder or his knee, but he now he had to confess to himself that he was scared to push Dean away.
"I know you miss them, I do too." He finally quietly admitted, making a conscious effort of staring at the upwards licking flames, while doing so, as to not destroy the extremely thin band, which connected them right now.
The picture was handed to him and when he held it in his fingers; he could see more closely that the little thing on it was really Jo. The eyes never lost that challenging glimmer.
"I really can't remember this."
"You were too little."
"That too, but I meant that I can't remember anything from those years. Not even later. It's like it never happened and every day, we look only forwards, do I forget more."
Sam let his head sink down to his chest, letting the picture held between thumb and pointer finger hang off his knee and sighed quietly. "Even Jess disappears more and more-…and dad. Sometimes I think about situations and how they happened…and ten times I did, every little fact was still there and then suddenly the details are missing. Words, voices, with each time it is more and I'm scared I will forget everything. I don't want to forget Ellen and Jo."
Somewhere hope stayed that they wouldn't. With the unspoken 'Don't let us hush them up', returned a little bit of the Sam Winchester that he used to be. A person, who took his fellow human as important and who knew how to treasure every moment.
Even sitting here was something, which he hopefully would remember for a long time, because in some way it was a turning point and exactly at this spot Sam broke his musing off. If he would allow himself to become sentimental now, all his self-control would be gone. First they had to come down from the melting point and then there would still be time to explain, to read and to talk.
"Hey, what you think, should we check what's on TV?" He asked frowning and praying inside he wouldn't be brushed off.
The walk on the tightrope would continue; they would have to make sure not to fall back into the old patterns. While the TV was on, they had another change to get used to one another once again.
With some awkwardness Sam fought his way back onto his feet and finally stood swaying on them. If someone just would stop the world from moving.