Decisions and Desires
Chapter 14
Doc had eventually returned with some food in the form of a bowl of antelope stew. Matt wasn't really hungry, but decided that if he wanted to get out of there he'd better eat it. He had just about finished when the physician brought a mug of coffee. Doc's coffee wasn't a whole lot better than Chester's had been, but again he consumed it without question. The physician left, hardly having said a word, which Matt found worrying.
His thoughts returned to Ronnie Pickens - playing the story out in his mind. He had arrested him that afternoon by the creek. He had snapped the handcuffs in place on the man's wrists and ridden on into Dodge. At first the outlaw hurled a few insults and then proclaimed that he had friends who would set him free. Matt couldn't imagine such a man having friends, but found out later that the type of friends he had were all controlled by fear. After that Pickens didn't say much at all. He had remained in the Dodge City jail for more than two weeks before Dillon got orders to take him to Wichita. Pickens' crimes had taken place in different states, and been so heinous that he was to be tried in a federal court. It was up to Matt to get him there.
He turned in his sleep, sweating and confused. He was back on the train. He didn't like escorting prisoners by train, too much danger for other passengers, but riding to Wichita would have taken too long. The scene played out before him for the hundredth time. He was in the guard's van with his prisoner. The door was locked. The conductor had told him there would be a stop to take on water, so he was not surprised when the train slowed down. He raised the blind and looked at the prairie outside. There was no water tank in sight. He crossed the car to check the other side, but before he made it there the door flew open in a barrage of shots.
How could he have let his guard down like that? He didn't even know how many men were involved, but before he could draw his gun, they were on him. He had no hope of fighting them off. When he came to, his prisoner was gone.
All the time the cattle drives where arriving in Dodge, he could not allow himself to sleep. Every time he closed his eyes he saw the mocking smile of Ronnie Pickens. He couldn't rest, weeks went by before at last there was a reported sighting of the murderer down by the Republican River. Matt rode out the very same day he received the news. Before he found Pickens he came across the ranch. At first he was going to stop to fill his canteen, but when he pulled up in front of the house he could tell that all was not well. He heard the sound of a faint young voice calling for help. He went in, and the sight that met his eyes turned his stomach to the point of nausea. He knew at that instant that Ronnie Pickens had killed again. The young boy did not last very long - just long enough to tell him about the man who came to their house, killed his Ma and Pa and his younger brother and then did horrible things to his sister before killing her too. The boy saw it all but was hurt so badly that there was nothing he could do. How he had lived this long Matt never knew, but having told his story the boy breathed his last in the marshal's arms. Somehow Dillon controlled his emotions long enough to bury the five bodies behind the small home that was forever scarred.
It took him two more days to find Pickens. He never slept. If he closed his eyes the nightmare he had seen at the ranch kept coming back. He knew it was his fault. If he had not let Pickens escape, that family would still be alive. The scene would haunt him forever. At last he knew he was within an hour's ride of the man. He planned to take him that night before he had chance to kill again. It proved to be a lot easier than he had thought it would be. Pickens was bent over a fire roasting a jack rabbit when Matt had found him. It was almost dark and his eyes were adjusted well to the half-light. Pickens on the other hand had been staring at the fire and could not see into the darkness. Matt did not like to kill, but this man was different. He was wanted dead or alive, and Dillon had decided that the man would not get another chance to kill, he would not allow Ronnie Pickens the chance to escape from the law again. He pulled his gun from its holster and took aim. At the last minute he found he could not shoot even this evil man in the back. He called out to him, Pickens spun around and drew his gun, but could not see. Matt fired and Pickens fell to the ground. Dillon kept his gun drawn as he walked towards the body on the ground. The man's gun was lying there in the dirt and he kicked it away, there was no movement. Using his foot he turned the body over. It was clear that the man was dead. As usual Matt's aim had been true. In the flickering firelight he could see the smirk on the man's face. Even in death his face was caught in that pose.
The marshal dug a shallow grave and buried him right there, but still the face continued to haunt him. He rode back to Dodge wishing he could erase the visions left in his mind. Sweat was pouring down his face and dripping in his eyes. He needed to be more alert. A voice in his head became very insistent, then he realized it was not in his head but coming from someone next to him.
"Wake up, Matt, you've been dreaming."
His eyes focused and he could see Doc sitting there. It took a moment to realize that he was in the bed in the physician's back room, not burying Ronnie Pickens down by the Republican River.
"Doc," he looked around, fearful for a moment, "how did I get here, I…"
"It's alright. Just relax. Everything's fine - you were having some kind of a nightmare."
The voice was calm and soothing and he could feel Doc's hand on his wrist and then on his forehead. He managed to slow his breathing, but could still feel his heart pounding. He had been back in that rancher's home with the dying boy just as clear as on the day it happened. He had buried them all over again, and then tracked Ronnie Pickens and buried him. How many more times would he have to re-live those events?
"I heard some of what you said, Matt. It's not your fault that Pickens got away, and it is certainly not your fault that he killed again."
"It is my fault Doc. I was responsible for him. He was my prisoner. Those deaths are on my hands just as surely as if I had pulled the trigger."
"You can't go on blaming yourself, it's making you ill. Somehow you have to put it aside or else you will be no good to this town or anyone in it. You and I have both seen good lawmen haunted by past events. Most of them finish up trying to drown their memories in a whisky bottle until some gunman with a steadier hand comes along and puts them out of their misery. Is that what you want Matt?"
Matt couldn't answer - the images where still too clear in his mind.
"Here's what I think happened, for what it's worth to you. You got sick and had a fever but you never gave yourself time to rest and get over it, and it has hung on, pulling you down. Then you ran into all that mess with Pickens, and more recently the Tanney gang, not to mention the cattle drive season. My prescription is a week or two of vacation to give yourself time to heal."
Dillon was prepared to raise his usual argument when they both heard the door to the front office open. Doc got up from the bedside to see who it was, and returned a few minutes later with Quint in tow.
The blacksmith as usual seemed in a good mood.
"Thought you'd like to know I've got two men locked up in the jail, Matt. Chance Tanney and an old man by the name of Ketch - I don't think he had much to do with anything but I brought him along anyway. There was another man by the name of Van - but he tried to pull a gun on me and in the struggle he got killed. Oh," he dug into his pocket and produced the metal badge, "I found this on the man - I think it belongs to you."
Matt took the badge and looked at it, turning it over in his hands several times, then he set it face down on the small bedside table and lay back to rest his eyes.
TBC