Reckoning

Author's note: So... this is not going the way you think. Because I am cruel and heartless and like to torment you.

But thank you all for your love and support! It gives life and breath to this story ;)

He is in stasis for a day.

Everything has been officially dubbed a shuttle accident by his team, even though Leia Organa had been very much opposed to such a statement. Canto Bight's largest hospital has watched over his recuperation under high surveillance and has released him for secret transportation to Chandrila within a day. Ben is heavily sedated when he boards his ship and very much so when he is carried to a room on the second floor of his parent's home sometime in the middle of the night.

Rey has not left his side throughout the whole day.

She bites a hangnail on her left thumb as she watches over the physician who is assessing Ben's vitals and injecting him with some kind of medication that will slowly awaken him. The room is simple but comfortable looking and warm, with a large double bed, worn out brown furniture and a thick carpet in its middle. There are various trinkets, personal belongings and wall decorations implying that this room has very much been lived in, and Rey can't help but wonder if it once belonged to Ben. A sofa with soft cushions and a large balcony overlooking a peaceful lake complete the picture. It is the warmest and simplest environment she has seen him in a very long time.

The physician finishes his work with Ben and turns to check her stitched up temple. He gives her advice on how to tend to her wound which Rey completely ignores, as her eyes study ever little detail in the room. It's not as if it's her first.

Leia shows her to a room next to his where she settles her things and takes a quick shower. But Rey can't stay there. Not after all that's happened.

She slips into Ben's room sometime later when all the fuss has quieted in the house and everyone is well asleep to check on him. Because Rey can't sleep. She doubts she ever will again after coming so close to losing him. He is still fast asleep, sprawled on his back in his big double bed. The curtains to his room are waving with each gust of wind and Rey walks up to the balcony doors to shut them tight. He's a restless sleeper and will probably uncover himself sometime in the night. She knows this. Because he always did.

There's a sigh in the room.

And she turns to look at him.

But Ben is fast asleep while she just stands there falling into pieces.

Rey can't resist walking up to his bed. She sits next to him and brushes a strand of inky hair from his scarred face. Traces her fingertips down its length all the way down to his upper chest where it seems to disappear.

The man sighs again.

Rey snatches her hand away. She does not want to wake him up. He needs to rest after all that's happened.

After…

The images blend again. They twist and distort and become a strange mixture of black armored men and bound women. Of ornate rooms with chandeliers that turn into burning metal and shattering glass. Of consuming, burning eyes and glistening, pleading gazes in the night.

Rey rubs her aching head.

Too much.

This is has all been too much.

Ben moans, his relaxed brow furrowing and his body becoming tense. Rey watches him twist under the covers and all of a sudden she feels like the nine year old that would wake in the middle of the night at the boy's whimpers. She sets her hand on his forehead the way she always did because old habits are hard to break. And watches his body settle quietly into the mattress after a few moments. But when she removes it, his eyes are open and looking directly at her.

"Rey?"

Rey panics, and with a wave of her hand snatches his consciousness and sets him back to sleep. Because she can't deal with this.

She doesn't know how…

Rey stands, rubbing at her eyes. They are swollen and stinging and she knows she has to get some sleep herself, eventually. The urge to lift the covers and slip next to him, wrap her arm around his broad body and give in to the warmth of his embrace is overpowering.

Rey clenches her jaw. She needs to pull herself together and put some kind of distance between them. Because he is too much and she's losing control.

Only, she doesn't know how…

She glances at the sleeping man one last time before tearing herself from his presence. And heads for her own room.

Rey senses him when he wakes. She is in Leia's large kitchen preparing caf for both her and him, because she knows he needs at least three cups before he deigns to speak to anyone in a semi-cordial way. Leia and the kitchen droid have already prepared breakfast for them, and she sits at a table by the kitchen's main window overlooking a lovely green garden, sipping on her tea.

Leia must sense him, as well, because she glances at Rey worriedly from her datapad.

"I'll go," Rey says, staring at the ceiling as if she could see right through to where Ben is staying.

She heads for the staircase, fingers brushing lightly over the rail's wood and eyes set high above, feeling his initial spike of alarm turn into fear and then fall into his more habitual emotions of irritation.

He doesn't seem very happy to be here.

Rey reaches his room and stands warily outside his door for a while, waiting for those emotions to settle. And then taps lightly on the door.

He looks absolutely haggard when he wrenches it open, with that black stitch running down his face and the circles under his eyes a shade darker than they usually are. His stubble has grown again and his hair is all over the place.

He doesn't say anything when he sees her. But he does stalk up to her, grab her chin and tilt her head to the side to inspect her own set of stiches on her temple.

"I'm alright," she mumbles in his grasp. "I don't even feel it."

He releases her gently but remains silent. He turns around, leaves the door open for her to enter and heads inside. That heavy pace of his, disappearing behind another door within his room. Probably the fresher.

Rey doesn't know if she should be the one to say the first word. She's not sure what it is that he remembers.

She goes to stand by the entrance of the fresher, crossing her arms in front of her chest and leaning a shoulder on the doorframe.

Ben's upset. Rey doesn't need the Force to see that. He's already cloaked his feelings, but his movements are jerky and tense, as he tears his shirt over his head and remains in a simple black tank top. He leans in to the mirror to look at his scars. His fingers drift to where the black stitch is on his face but he pulls them away with a hiss.

He runs the tap of water and reaches for a toothcleanser.

"If you want a repeat of last night, I'm going to have to disappoint you. I'm only stripping to take a shower," he says in a groveled voice, looking at his reflection, but speaking to her.

Rey rolls her eyes.

"If I wanted a repeat of last night, I'd also have a death wish."

He glances at her but doesn't hold her gaze. He finishes washing his teeth and rinses out his mouth from the tap.

"Then why are you here?"

"To see if you're ok."

"I'm fine."

Yeah right.

He looks like a fucking shuttle wreck.

He splashes water on his face and wipes it with a towel, stares at himself in the mirror and works his jaw. And Rey begins to feel rather unwanted. As if last night never even happened. She wants to shake her head at herself because, seriously, what else did she expect from him?

She turns to leave.

"You don't have to go, yet."

Ben cranks a cabinet open, pulling out the most curious set of tools. Rey raises her chin to have a better look. "What is that?"

Ben ignores her. He proceeds to mix water to a powder and turn it into some kind of foam. Then applies it carefully around his jaw and lips.

Rey arches a brow. She's never seen anything like this before. It looks very ceremonial and seems to take up much attention she notices, as she watches Ben glide some kind of small tool down the side of his jaw.

"You didn't answer my question."

Ben flinches back with an expression of pain and brings his finger to a spot on his chin. It seems to be bleeding.

Well, that doesn't look very safe.

He curses and runs the tool under the water.

"It's a shaving set," he speaks suddenly. "It's used to shave off stubble and beards on some less civilized communities."

That explains the stubble, at last, and its appearance and disappearance on his face on a daily bases.

"Why don't you use a beard suppressant like everyone else does?"

Ben flinches again and another drop of blood appears on his skin. He washes the tool again and Rey notices his hands are shaking lightly. In this rate he'll probably need to have his whole face covered in bacta by the end of the morning. She shakes her head and steps inside the fresher.

"Here, let me do this for you."

"No, I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself."

"You're perfectly capable of covering your face in cuts to match the scar you already have." She signals at him with two of her fingers. "Hand it over."

He stops and looks at her with a clench his jaw, seemingly very mad but also very, very much on the verge of breaking down because his eyes are red and glistening. Almost as if tears could ever gather in that cold gaze he's giving her.

"You have no reason to be mad at me, Ben."

He works his jaw and returns his gaze in the mirror, trying to glide the blade on the scarred part of his face. But his hand is still shaking and his eyes are glassy and Rey just knows he'll end up cutting himself. She reaches for his hand that holds the small tool. He's gripping it so tightly that the tips of his fingers are turning white.

"Ben," she says softly as she wraps her hand around his. He swallows, and his gaze drops to their joined hands.

He looks so scared.

She realizes. And tries so hard to cover it behind yet another of his masks.

The second attempt on his life would have been successful is Rey hadn't been there. There is no way that shuttle would have come out in one piece. And even if it had, and he had walked out of it unharmed, those assassins would have finished the job themselves. Someone must have known the Governor was at the party, unescorted by his Jedi. Someone had planned this.

And Ben knows this too.

"Let me help you," she nearly whispers, peeling the small tool from his hand.

He allows her.

Rey reaches up and sets the small blade at a spot on his jaw that still has foam on it, and glides it carefully and slowly, removing a strip of the fluffy substance. Just like she'd seen him do. She rinses it under the running water, and continues with another spot being very careful not to cut any of the moles on his face.

It's so strange how she knows where every single one lies by heart. She's touched them with small fingers as a child so many times, squealing and giggling uncontrollably when he'd turn to bite playfully at her hand. But he sits so still now, under the blade, with eyes set intensely on her face. Watching her. Studying perhaps the changes in her own features.

Does he like the way I look?

A little thought patters through her mind and drops down to the pit of her stomach. Could he ever find her even just a little attractive? She is so different than the women that surround him.

His breath comes out a little shaky on her hand as she lifts his chin to run the blade along his throat. He swallows again, uncomfortably, and Rey feels his arms come around her to set his hands on the sink behind. There's still space between their bodies because he is so large and broad in comparison to her, but the sensation of being caged in by him returns with a vengeance. Rey stops.

And his eyes drop to hers again. Dark and molten with unshed tears.

And suddenly his warm large hands are on her hips, and his thumbs are rubbing little circles on her thin shirt over the jut of bones on her pelvis. And then as if she weighs nothing he grasps her and lifts her on the counter.

"What are you doing?"

"You can't reach me properly," he says hoarsely, settling her on the counter. He steps closer and comes to stand between her parted legs. "This is better for you."

Rey resumes the shaving under his unwavering eyes trying to ignore the wild beat of her heart. "You never did tell me why you prefer to use a blade for shaving." She says trying to lighten the mood because she can sense how hard it must be for him to feel so out of control. All he needs is a little space to gather his pieces. Just like any other person.

It works. Because he curls the ends of his lips. "You really want to know?"

"I asked twice, didn't I?"

"You did." He huffs a little pretentiously. "Well, if you insist…"He hums in thought. "Let me see… I enjoy the glide of the blade on my skin as it takes away the previous day."

Rey ponders on that for a moment.

"Well maybe if you had a good day you wouldn't want it taken away."

"If I have a good day, I usually don't have time to shave."

Rey pauses to look at him. His expression is scandalous. She shakes her head. "You're messing with me. What's the real reason?"

"All right…" Rey tilts his head to the side to try and shave his scarred face. This will be tricky. But Ben doesn't seem to be particularly worried. "How about this. I hate doing what everyone else does. I want to stand out."

Rey smiles. "That's more like it. Give me another."

"Another?" He arches his brow in mock surprise and Rey thinks she's never seen him look so…so… Stars, her heart wants to break at how good he looks in her hands. "You're a greedy little thing today. Let me think…"

One of his hands wraps on her thigh. And Rey feels her own hand start to shake.

"I like the roughness of my stubble at the end of the day. The way things feel when they come in contact with it." She pauses again to look at him, not sure if he's implying again something she should be aware of. But his gaze on her is unfathomable and his hand on her knee large and warm and eerily still.

"Are you teasing me?"

"Maybe."

The ends of his lips quiver and his eyes break into a smile. And his expression is captivating and so, so painfully beautiful. She can't look away.

"It gives me time to face myself in the mirror on a daily bases. And weigh the things I've done," he adds a little somberly. Rey doesn't say anything and he too remains silent as she runs the blade on the skin over his upper lip.

His hand slips slowly up her leg and his thumb comes to caress the inner part of her thigh. Softly. Delicately. In soft little circles. Skimming over the fabric of her leggings.

Searching…

And Rey has to say something, anything to steal her attention from his wandering touch.

"What kind of things do you feel you have to face?"

He looks at her with those dark eyes. And Rey knows, she just knows she is already treading on dangerous waters.

"I'm not gonna judge," she shrugs, trying to seem indifferent because she is just so curious to hear what he is about to say. "Tell me."

He licks his lips. But wavers for a moment.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." Stars, yes, she wants to know. She wants to know what he sees in that mirror. What it is that he feels he needs to face. She wants to know everything there is to know about him.

"…My appetites."

Rey pauses. Appetites? What kind of… Oh.

Her heart reboots with a strong thud and she feels her cheeks heat as certain memories slip into mind. Rey looks away pretending to be absorbed in rinsing off the blade. There's only a little patch of foam left under his chin but somehow it's the most difficult to shave, as the broadness of his shoulders and the muscles of his arms suddenly stand out so much underneath the thin tank top he wears. Rey should have just let him do this on his own. He's the one who's chosen such reckless ways to shave. She really doesn't see why she puts herself in these situations and tries to save him from his own self.

She raises her hand to shave that last part off a little shakily, and as the blade glides down his throat, his hand wraps around her wrist.

"Thank you," he says, rubbing those gentle circles on the inside of her wrist. He seems to like doing that a lot and Rey would probably not have paid much attention to it in the past. But after yesterday… The whole world has somehow turned upside down after what she'd seen him he do in that villa, and it's just starting to creep up on her.

Rey feels her ears start to throb as the beat of her heart starts to pound painfully in her chest.

"…for saving my life..."

And that feral state he had been in when he came to find her, and feeling his hot lips kiss down her neck. Rey does not think she can be so close to him again without having her skin break into shivers.

"Rey…You were magnificent out there."

She snaps her wrist away.

His surprise is so sharp she feels it in the Force.

"Rey?"

He curls two fingers under her chin and leans in to catch her eyes. But she jerks her head away.

"Don't touch me."

There's an endless moment where she thinks he'll grab her chin and force her to look up. But no. That's not what he does. Ben steps away. And she suddenly realizes how much he had been touching her. His legs are no longer pressing against the inside of her thighs and his body is no longer cocooning her with his warmth. And Rey feels so vacant it makes her want to cry. Something about him constantly has her on the verge of tears.

"I'm sorry," he rumbles confused after a moment. "I didn't mean to upset you in any way."

Rey slides off the sink counter making sure not to come in any kind of contact with him. "I think I should let you shower," she says coldly, "and get last night's stench off your body."

He stares at her heavily for a heartbeat. "Is last night what this is about?"

"No."

"Is it?"

"I said no."

"You're lying."

She shakes her head adamantly but her voice betrays her. "I'm not…"

"Then look at me."

Her eyes snap to his before she can stop herself. Ben always has that power over her. He's standing two paces away with that dark gaze set on her and that black scar running down his face. Rey wishes she could say he looks daunting and mad but there is something broken in the way he studies her.

"Was it the villa?"

Gods…

"The things you saw?"

"Ben…"

"Was it me?"

"Please, just…"

"The women I fucked or that I kissed you?"

"Stop! Just stop. Ok?" She raises her hand to her forehead. Stars, doesn't this man ever respect someone's boundaries? Does he respect anything at all?

He studies her, flipping expertly through her emotions as if she is an open book. And Rey feels as if there is no place for her to hide anymore.

The storm of his search soon subsides and he runs his fingers through his hair, tugging painfully at the ends.

"I won't touch you again," he states in the end. He sounds emotionless and detached. Rey hates how much his tone of voice reminds her of the Governor. "Not unless you ask it of me."

"I will never ask you!" She pauses wrapping her hands around herself. She looks to the side, at some tile that's chipped at its corner. Because she doesn't really mean what she just said.

He takes that one step that brings him just a breath away. And now all that's left of Ben is completely gone.

"Perhaps not," he says darkly. "But if you do, you had better be certain."

And just like that, in a matter of moments and two heated words, everything they have built crumbles to the ground. Rey knows there is some kind of warning or threat behind his words.

He reaches over her to grab a towel, and backs away slowly. His hand drops down to the fastenings of his trousers. "I suggest you leave. Unless you wish to remain and watch me while I shower."

Rey presses her lips tightly and shakes her head. "No."

"Good. Tell my mother I'll be downstairs soon. I want to get in contact with Skywalker."

She raises her chin and tries to mimic his tone of voice the best she can. "She already has. We wouldn't wait for you all day." But it wavers just a treacherous bit at the end.

He doesn't miss it. Nothing ever gets by this man. Because something softens in the way he stares at her.

"We'll talk later," he says.

Rey nods and hurries out of his room.

Author's note: Testosterone and emotions don't mix very well together. But I think Rey can figure him out a little better than me. Up to a point, of course. They are both very emotionally loaded right now and all it takes sometimes is one wrong word for a person to snap.

But the next chapter is a bit homey (as much as this story can be) and we get to explore some of the Solo family dynamics!