Kaiba hadn't heard from Jonouchi in a full week, which was like an eternity compared to the daily interaction they'd been having. They hadn't done so much as send a stray text-not that Kaiba had tried to initiate. He hadn't even been going to the bar to try finding Jonouchi. That was partly because he thought the bartender might still be pissed, but mostly because he was a coward and didn't want to see how Jonouchi would react face to face.
If he was there at all. It might feel worse to see that he was avoiding a place he obviously loved to be just to maintain distance.
Kaiba had waited in silence, trying and failing not to spend most of his free time thinking about the predicament. It was hard not to. He was still wrapping his mind around Jonouchi's accusations, and much to his chagrin, he understood what he meant the more he mulled it over. Kaiba hated being wrong as much as (and significantly more) than the next person.
If he was wrong, that meant he had to apologize. That meant he had to approach Jonouchi first. And that was hard. So a week passed with no action on his part, and he drank alone at home, and he was extra cranky with all the interns. With his secretary, too, but she either didn't notice or could care less about his mood.
When the weekend came, and Kaiba was facing the prospect of entering another week dealing with the same, he mustered up the direct strategy he so prided himself on and called Jonouchi when he assumed he'd be off work. He half expected not to get a reply, but miraculously, the call connected.
Jonouchi was snippy and hostile at first, but he allowed Kaiba to speak. He didn't react negatively to being invited over for take-out either, which made Kaiba feel like an idiot for waiting so long to call. Jonouchi was obviously angry, but he wasn't beyond reason.
The next evening, Kaiba waited with mounting nervousness in his living room until Jonouchi showed up. He was visibly cross, but didn't do anything especially aggressive before sitting down.
"I ordered pad Thai," Kaiba informed him once Jonouchi had passed through the threshold of his door. "It should be here soon enough."
"You found a carry-out place that you like?" asked Jonouchi curiously, "I always thought a guy like you wouldn't be interested in that sort of thing."
"It's nearby, and I don't cook," Kaiba explained with a shrug, "I found myself in a desperate situation and was lucky enough that my first resort turned out to be up to standard."
He realized he could apply that statement to his relationship with Jonouchi, but dismissed the thought. It was rude, and no longer true. Though he wouldn't be against calling their meeting a fortunate happenstance. Now he just had to stop the whole thing from falling apart.
"What all did you order?" asked Jonouchi. "I hope you got egg rolls."
He appeared slightly nervous, but not enough to stop himself from searching through Kaiba's fridge after taking off his shoes. Snatching a beer, he parked himself in a far seat before glancing towards the big open windows that showcased the city.
"Of course I got egg rolls," Kaiba snorted, "I'm confident you'll approve of the food when it gets here. You know me well enough to know I wouldn't get something weird."
"Yeah, because you don't like experimenting all that much," remarked Jonouchi.
He shook the beer in his hands. Imported. Kaiba always stuck to things he was familiar with, and Jonouchi realizing that made him frown a little bit.
"If you have beer at home, why do you go to the bar so often?" asked Jonouchi.
"Social interaction," Kaiba replied, slightly taken aback by the question, "And because I hear it's unhealthy to be an alcoholic in isolation."
"You only talk to me," Jonouchi mumbled. "I didn't think you were ever an alcoholic..."
"You are the aforementioned social interaction, yes," Kaiba confirmed, intending to continue, but he stopped. He knew he drank too much and too consistently to be anything but an alcoholic, but he remembered that Jonouchi might be sensitive toward the term. He bit his tongue on it for the moment. "Why do you ask?"
"Because it gives us something to talk about."
Kaiba didn't know what to think of that, but he couldn't really dwell over it for long when the door rang. The food had arrived. He got up from his seat, opening the door to pay the delivery guy before grabbing the boxes and setting them on the coffee table.
Jonouchi ripped into the bags. "I'm guessing mine is the one with prawns," Jonouchi said with a small smile, "while yours is vegetarian."
"You'd be correct."
Grabbing the cheap chopsticks from the bag, Jonouchi opened the top of his container before diving into his food. He snatched an egg roll too, dunking it into sauce before shoving it into his mouth.
Kaiba ate more conservatively with his own chopsticks, quietly watching Jonouchi scarf. He wasn't sure if he should bring up the situation at the bar yet, and he was wary that he might trigger more odd questions. He opted for waiting silently. Jonouchi seemed to be enjoying himself so far, and maybe a full stomach and beer would make him more receptive to a serious conversation. Kaiba didn't want them to repeat their performance from the week before.
"Do you ever go to bars without me?" asked Jonouchi out of nowhere. "Or am I the sole purpose of your midnight boozing?"
"There's... no reason to go to bars alone," Kaiba reasoned cautiously, trying to avoid giving a direct answer. "In a way, yes, I go out drinking so much because of you. It's a lot more enjoyable than my previous strategy of getting drunk at home staring at the wall."
"Hmm..." Jonouchi took another bite out of his egg roll, skillfully avoiding dropping it into his carton of noodles. "Okay, what about this other question I have, then. Have you ever been physically interested in another man besides me?"
Kaiba opened his mouth as if to answer, but stopped. He was about to say something hostile, which wasn't how he wanted the evening to go, and against his own will he started thinking about it. After a minor flood of doubt and insecurity resulting from his racing memories, he replied.
"No," he stated, "Is it important?"
"Why me, then?" Jonouchi cut him off, not answering Kaiba's own question. "Why did you start getting involved with me?"
"I-because I wanted to," Kaiba stated, forcing his expression into neutrality even though he was so perplexed it was making him angry. "It happened. It's not like I woke up one morning and thought maybe I should start playing both sides for fun. It happened."
Jonouchi downcast his eyes, focusing on his food once more as his eyebrows furrowed. He appeared deep in thought. Rapidly, he started shoveling food into his mouth until he stopped, swallowing before turning his attention back on his drink.
"What does that even mean?" Jonouchi snorted venomously, "are you a bit gay or not?"
"You tell me," Kaiba grumbled. "You obviously know more about it than I do."
When he thought about it, he wasn't sure why he was so defensive. He hadn't put much thought into his sexuality because he honestly didn't care, but he was upset that Jonouchi did. He couldn't figure out why it was a question all of a sudden. It seemed like something more pertinent to ask before they fucked around, if it was such a big deal.
"It doesn't really matter what you call it. I know what I like," Kaiba huffed, then returned to his meal.
"Which is what?" Jonouchi challenged. "You've never been too clear about it."
"I've been clearer with you than anyone else," Kaiba replied dryly. He immediately regretted that and started to feel his cheeks begin to burn, but he reasoned that it didn't matter. He'd admitted less-than-subtly that he hadn't even been with someone before Jonouchi. Maybe Jonouchi was too drunk at the time to remember.
"I'm into women and you. That's it. It's not that complicated."
"That doesn't make any damn sense..." Jonouchi mumbled under his breath, shaking his head before moving the noodles around with his chopsticks. "Are you saying I'm like a woman to you, Kaiba?"
"Don't be ridiculous," Kaiba scoffed. "I'm saying you're the only man I've been interested in. Isn't that what you asked?"
Kaiba had been suspicious of Jonouchi's line of questioning from the start, but now he didn't know what to think. Jonouchi looked so dejected that Kaiba was even less sure of his motivations for asking.
"Why the sudden concern, anyway?" Kaiba asked as a thought came to him. "I assumed you wouldn't really care since you just wanted to fool around."
Kind of. Sort of. Not really, but basically. Kaiba wished he could get an answer about it that wasn't somewhere in the middle. Were they fuck buddies? They didn't really get around to the fucking part, though that was due mainly to Kaiba.
"I'm trying to figure you out because nothing that you do makes any sort of sense."
Jonouchi sipped his beer before taking another mouthful of pad thai to himself and began chewing it aggressively.
"You punched my ex in the face, when I told you not to."
"It wasn't the best display of self-control," Kaiba admitted in a mutter, his demeanor less defiant now that he was being confronted with his errors. He'd hoped to be in control of that discussion. "The whole reason I finally called was so I could apologize. The situation was stupid, and I acted stupid about it."
Jonouchi looked away from Kaiba's eyes, appearing indifferent.
"What are you apologizing for, exactly, Kaiba?"
Kaiba blinked. Another odd question. But refusing to answer wouldn't do him any good, and he was too confused to be cryptic.
"For punching out your ex," he stated. Wasn't that obvious? Wasn't it the whole reason they were in this situation? "Are you saying you changed your mind about it?"
"No."
Jonouchi paused before tapping his chopsticks on his food once. Twice.
"You completely embarrassed me, Kaiba. Why did you think you could do something like that? Did you honestly think I'd be thankful?"
"I certainly didn't think you'd be angry," Kaiba replied, frowning now. He had set his food aside without thinking about it and felt the way he often did when confronted with overly complicated problems at work. That wasn't a feeling he liked to sense while being around Jonouchi. "What upset you so much about it?"
"That you didn't listen to me!" Jonouchi finally shot out. "You just completely bulldozed over me and made a scene. How can I trust that you won't go and attack the next ex that comes my way looking for a booty call? Do you not trust me to deal with my own problems?"
"What's wrong with me doing it for you?" Kaiba demanded. It looked like he was stuck in the doghouse anyway. He may as well get it off his chest. "Besides, I don't intend to make a habit of assaulting strangers even if they have foul mouths. But your exes or whoever else that tries to start something with me in public deserves what they get."
"He wasn't trying to start something with you, Kaiba," yelled Jonouchi back, "he was talking to me. Me! Not you. Where do you even get off thinking that was your place to just jump in and be a fucking macho prick about it? Because you know I've done things with the guy? Does that bother you? A normal friend wouldn't do that."
"Why shouldn't it bother me?" Kaiba retorted before he could stop himself. He took a split second to be stunned, then accepted that it was too late and continued. "Why shouldn't it bother me to be around while other men are hitting you up for sex? Especially if they're shitbags, and especially if you're the one going after them? It's unfair to drag me along with you while you're running after other people and forgetting about me completely when you've meet someone else."
"Excuse me?" Jonouchi laughed darkly before dropping his utensils into his food and sitting up straighter before huffing, "When have I ever done that, Kaiba? Please fucking tell me, because I'm pretty sure I haven't been with or even looked at another man since I started spending time with you. What the fuck kind of bullshit is that? Are you jealous?"
Kaiba had an answer to that, but couldn't voice it. He glared away from Jonouchi determinedly, his cheeks and sternum alike burning in humiliation.
"Answer my question, Kaiba. Are you jealous?" Jonouchi demanded.
"What would it matter to you if I was?" Kaiba snapped, "It has nothing to do with anything."
"Yes it does." Jonouchi pushed back his food, the box half eaten before sighing. "You're in love with me, aren't you?"
"What the hell kind of question is that?" Kaiba leaned away from Jonouchi, panicked and appalled by the accusation. He put every ounce of available concentration into not giving himself away, though his heart rate and clammy skin might be doing it for him. "Don't start throwing around wild accusations, especially about something that serious."
"This is serious," Jonouchi hissed. "You attacked a man at a bar unprovoked. What else reason do you have for that kind of stupid behavior, Kaiba?"
When Kaiba couldn't come up with an answer soon enough, Jonouchi laughed.
"You don't fucking have one! I can't believe you right now..."
"So because you don't think my reasoning is good enough, you've decided I must be in love with you? Because that would make everything better?" Kaiba snapped. He was being intentionally more defensive than he felt. The problem with this argument was that Jonouchi was neither afraid of him, nor was he stupid. That meant that faulty logic wouldn't be enough-that had already been proven. Despite some part of him screaming at him not to do it, he defaulted to the next best resort of being so unpleasant that Jonouchi would leave him alone.
Would Jonouchi leaving make him feel better or worse than Jonouchi finding out the truth?
"If you want me off your back, then fine. I'll leave you alone," Kaiba continued venomously, "You can hook up with whoever the fuck you want and take booty calls from all the stalkers you want. It's not my business, and I really don't give a shit. I made a mistake getting involved with something that obviously you wanted me to pretend wasn't even going on."
"I already said I wasn't-" began Jonouchi, but he caught himself. Getting up, he crossed his arms before leaving the living room to put on his shoes. "Believe whatever you'd like about me, Kaiba, but I never once betrayed you like you seem to think. I can't believe you really think I'm just some whore...
"Also," said Jonouchi as he opened the front door, getting his left sneaker to give to his heel, "you're a terrible liar. Thanks for the food."
Then he left. After the door latched shut, Kaiba was left in the settling silence of his apartment, his fight mode slowly ebbing away into shock, realization, and a nearly sickening wave of regret that he failed to keep at bay. He sat on the couch with his hands tightly clasped in his lap, staring at his knees as he breathed.
He couldn't handle the ache in his chest sitting up. He let himself fall on his side and lay with his eyes closed as he tried to process.
He couldn't, completely. He couldn't even begin to wrap his head around what a spectacular fuckup he'd made of himself. He couldn't properly analyze anything Jonouchi had said because he emotionally rejected replaying the conversation. All he could do for a long time was lie down and try not to address the thought that he'd just ruined everything.
The worst thing was, he'd known better the whole way, and taken the option that he'd been taught instead. Couldn't risk other people knowing he had emotions, could he? And a proud person like himself wasn't going to beg someone to stay as they walked away from him. Even if he wanted to. Even if he already knew he was going to regret not doing that for a long time to come.
Kaiba suddenly felt frustration well up in him so strongly he wanted to scream. Why did Jonouchi care how he felt about him? And if he cared, why was it only now that he chose to do anything about it? Why not before all this bullshit?
He sank back into brooding as he realized that was all moot at this point. Right now, he wasn't even sure he would see Jonouchi again. He didn't know if he could see Jonouchi again. He'd disgraced himself too thoroughly.
Kaiba didn't know how long he spent lying with his face in the couch cushion, trying to cope with the situation, but at some point he finally felt like opening his eyes. The first thing they fell on was Jonouchi's leftover food. Kaiba stared at it with varying degrees of concentration for a couple of minutes before sitting up and grabbing the box.
'Thanks for the food' indeed. He hadn't even finished it. Kaiba started eating it aggressively, under the pretense that it would be wasted otherwise, and he actively silenced the voice inside him that tried to remind him that he had his own unfinished food. He didn't care. He wanted Jonouchi's leftovers.
TWO MONTHS FORWARD
Kaiba had picked Jonouchi up early in the morning. Still yawning, Kaiba had already had his coffee, so he could at least pretend that it wasn't too early for him. As a result, the two of them had a smooth and casual ride to Yugi's hotel.
Or, they did, until Jonouchi received a call from Yugi about halfway there. Kaiba listened to catch what he could of the conversation from one end as Jonouchi became more and more distressed, but he had to concentrate on driving. He didn't find out what had happened until Jonouchi hung up the phone and pouted in obvious disappointment.
Yugi was cancelling at almost literally the last minute. It was no fault of his own-something had happened at home, and he had to leave immediately. A road trip wasn't on the agenda. Kaiba felt bad for Jonouchi, knowing he was probably upset that he'd finally come so close to bringing that plan to fruition only to have it disrupted.
That said, he wasn't shy about trying to convince Jonouchi not to call the whole thing off. They debated about it over the breakfast Kaiba treated them to in Yugi's absence, reasoning that they had already made the preparations of calling off work, packing-hell, Jonouchi had even found a cat-sitter for Mio.
Kaiba's biggest reason was that he didn't want to pass up the opportunity that had been dropped in his lap. He was only going on this trip on the first place because Jonouchi had asked, and he planned to use the chance wisely. Maybe Jonouchi knew that on some level, because he was very unsure. Evidently it was "kinda weird" to him for the two of them to go on a road trip together in isolation. Kaiba was tempted to ask why it was weird with him, but wouldn't have been with only Yugi along, but he knew better.
After humming and hawing on Jonouchi's part that receded as he ate, they decided to proceed according to the flimsy plan and go on the trip anyway. Kaiba openly expressed his pleasure with that decision, but reeled himself in when Jonouchi looked surprised and curious.
They got in the car after Kaiba paid the check. He assigned Jonouchi the navigator station as he headed for the highway.
"Where do you want to go first?" he asked. "If you and Yugi ever made a decision on that, I wasn't informed."
"Well, Yugi and I originally wanted to go see San Francisco. We thought about stopping at Monterey Bay to start," Jonouchi blurted as he rang his hands in his lap, "I've already seen Hollywood and Yugi wasn't that interested."
"Monterey Bay it is," Kaiba agreed, "I'm glad you decided against Hollywood. It's not the first place I want to be when I think vacation."
"Why, not a fan of Paris Hilton?" joked Jonouchi. Kaiba didn't laugh. "Someone over there might mistake you for a movie star. You could be found."
"No to all of that," Kaiba frowned in distaste. "Besides, I think you would run more the risk of being swept off into some production. No, Hollywood is a waste of time and I would never go there without expecting something bad to happen."
Jonouchi went silent after that, fidgeting in his seat. His eyes were stuck to the window, staring out at the scenery as they began going past the dry semi-desert that surrounded them. Kaiba stole a few looks, glancing at him, but couldn't really stare like he probably would have if he wasn't driving on the road.
After a few more moments of silence passed, Kaiba inhaled a deep breath.
"Jonouchi," he addressed. His tone probably only made Jonouchi more anxious. "I know you wanted to go on this trip for a good time with friends. Even though we're alone, we can still do that if you want."
"Okay," Jonouchi answered, his voice just barely above a whisper, "but is that what you want? Or are you just trying to make me less awkward?"
"I was also under the impression that we would be on this trip as friends," Kaiba replied, only slightly lying. But it seemed strange to add that he was planning to have a serious discussion about their relationship while they were at it. "With the way the situation is... I think the trip would be better all-around if we weren't both spending our time together wondering where we stand."
Jonouchi crossed his arms, sitting back before he made a noise with his tongue as it hit the top of his mouth. "Yeah, I hear you," he answered, glancing before breaking eye contact again, "but I don't know where we stand, Kaiba. The lines are blurry. We both keep going back and forth. Like the last time I saw you-"
He paused before shutting his mouth and sliding down his seat slightly. Jonouchi was so easily embarrassed.
"I know what you mean," Kaiba avoided sounding amused by Jonouchi's behavior, "but I don't think that's something to iron out while we're cooped up in a car for most of the day, and presumably sharing a hotel overnight. We can discuss it when... when it feels right, I guess."
That was the only gauge Kaiba had for it. He did want to talk about it, preferably on this trip, but it wouldn't do any good to bring it up while Jonouchi was obviously dreading the conversation.
"Let's just get it over with then," Jonouchi answered, straightening up slightly as he sighed, "there's nothing else to do. It'll at least pass the time, and you've never really seemed willing to talk about this before. Not at least, as a discussion..."
Kaiba had shouted his feelings at Jonouchi once before, and it had been a terrible mistake. He winced at the memory.
"I'm not always the best at handling delicate topics," he admitted, trying to hide how embarrassed he was at the memory, "but you know that as well as I do."
He sighed, mainly to calm himself. He'd intended to be the initiator for this talk, but Jonouchi beat him to the punch.
"As terrible a job as I did telling you before, I do care for you as much more than a friend," he stated, opting to go the blunt route. "I like being around you, and I like being... with you. I don't want to keep doing something in between friendship and romance. I need something committed and exclusive, or things will be too difficult on my end."
By difficult, he meant painful. But he wanted to attempt being sincere without making himself sound too soft. Or worse, over-emotional. Although by now, Jonouchi might be fully aware that Kaiba had quite a bit stewing under the surface most of the time.
"Committed and exclusive?" Jonouchi echoed. He blinked, finally looking at Kaiba's face as his eyes narrowed in mild confusion. "Is that your way of saying you actually want to date? As a real couple? And no more of this half-assed not-actually-boyfriends shit?"
"To put it bluntly, yes. Exactly that," Kaiba confirmed as he glanced Jonouchi's way. "Yes, I want to date."
"What about women? Wouldn't you rather invest in someone who could actually give you something?" Jonouchi shook his head before making a snorting sound, "I mean, you said it yourself. You've only looked at me before and no other man. That doesn't sound really reassuring on my end. You could get tired of this eventually, and I don't want to be some grand experiment for you that you laugh about years later, or worse, feel ashamed of."
"I think I failed miserably at explaining myself when I said that," Kaiba muttered, taken aback by Jonouchi's concern. "As far as I know, I've only thought of women as attractive romantically, at least until I met you. But I never wanted any of them. You've been my first in... Every regard. I'd never done as much as hold someone's hand before running into you again.
"So no, you aren't an experiment," he said as reassurance, looking Jonouchi's way, "and in the unlikely event that I was to feel this way about someone else in the future, I couldn't predict whether they'd be a man or a woman. Even if it was a woman, I don't see what one could "give" me that you can't."
"If you say so," Jonouchi answered. Then he paused, wrinkling his nose a little bit. "What about my exes?" he asked. "Are you finally over that part of my life?"
"Yes," Kaiba rolled his eyes, paused, and then smirked. "As long as you don't start liking one of them more than me."
"And you know that I wasn't going behind your back even before," Jonouchi continued, sounding serious despite Kaiba's joking. "I had stopped for some time. It was never all that serious, and I hadn't even done that much. I mean honestly, the thought of anal sex freaked me out, let alone sucking off a stranger..."
"Oh," Kaiba blinked, surprised by the sensitive information. Normally Jonouchi wouldn't even talk about things they'd done, much less his preferences in general. "Well... I did know. I was too stupid to put it together for a while, but I knew you weren't with anyone else. And you did tell me you hadn't done as much with anyone as you did with me, but…"
He paused and stared out at the road, wondering if he should ask the question that nagged at his mind. He decided against it.
"...I didn't realize you were against the idea of anal sex."
"Why, did I finally find a deal breaker with you?" laughed Jonouchi before he snorted a few times. "I'm not so much against it as I am, I don't know, hesitant to try it?" Jonouchi shrugged his shoulders before sticking out his tongue. "It never really sounded all that pleasurable to me. I figured I could do plenty of other super homo things without putting a dick up my butt."
"That's true," Kaiba worked to stop his mind from wandering to those 'super homo things', and likewise to stop his lips from curving into a self-satisfied smirk, but he only half-succeeded. "I'm not complaining. It just seemed weird to me. But what do I know about it?"
He shrugged. He certainly wasn't an authority on any kind of sex. He only knew what he'd heard as common knowledge. But almost his entire existence defied common knowledge, not least where sexuality was concerned, so he supposed he shouldn't be so surprised at this point.
"Weird to you?" laughed Jonouchi. "What kind of things are you into that you haven't bothered to tell me?"
"Nothing that I know of," Kaiba side-eyed Jonouchi, though he wasn't trying very hard to lie. "Don't you worry yourself about it."
"I'm not worried," Jonouchi huffed. He went silent for a few seconds before turning to look at Kaiba again, who was now fully focused on watching the road. "I know lots of men like it. I've been asked more times than I'd like to admit to trying it with someone, on both ends of the spectrum... I just, hmm... It just seems really embarrassing to me."
He laughed a little bit nervously as Kaiba just snorted in response.
"I know that some gay men don't like it at all, so I just assumed that maybe I fell into that corner of the spectrum and I was okay with that, too."
"If you're not interested in it, that's fine with me," Kaiba answered, "It's not like I don't have proof that we can get along perfectly well without it…"
Jonouchi scoffed as his face turned pink.
"If I thought it could be fun, I might try it. But the embarrassment factor alone..."
Now his entire neckline was turning colors as well.
"Sometimes being embarrassed makes things more stimulating," Kaiba suggested, turning to Jonouchi briefly with a sly expression. "Besides, you'd be surprised how much less embarrassing something is if you're turned on. Or worst case scenario, in the dark. But I'd rather we didn't have sex like a bored married couple."
"I don't see that happening anytime soon," Jonouchi said as he rolled his eyes. "I'm not a boring person, so I don't have boring sex."
"I agree," Kaiba smirked without reservation. Then he forcibly sobered and looked at Jonouchi more sincerely. Jonouchi was still very pink, but at least he was openly social. Maybe not having Kaiba's eyes on him had made him more willing. Kaiba would have to remember to try staring at him less during delicate talks.
"All joking aside," he prefaced, "I really do want a serious relationship with you. I don't know what you need out of one, but as far as I'm concerned… I like the way things have been, aside from the elephant in the room."
And Mokuba harassing him about not taking action yet. But that would end soon too, hopefully.
"Okay," Jonouchi answered. "I guess that means we're actually dating now. Imagine that?"
"I don't have to anymore," Kaiba replied with certainty. He smirked when Jonouchi flushed a deeper red than before.
"Wow," Jonouchi finally laughed, "maybe you're much gayer than I first thought..."