Set Me Free - Chapter 14

Rated: T

Adrift

Chapter Summary: Johnny drives Ash home and they discuss what other options, if any, they both have left for their respective futures.

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"So…do you know what you're gonna do? About your dad, I mean." it was meant to be a quiet car ride but Ash found her mouth and tongue moving anyway.

If she analyzed the situation closer, she had no idea what had her trying to get this guy to open up more to her. Yet with a 45 minutes of silence as they drove back to the heart of the city in front of them, she supposed it wouldn't hurt to start some kind of conversation rather than just dealing with awkward silence.

"I uh, have an appointment later this evening to see him actually," Johnny admitted with a helpless shrug, "He probably won't show up, but…that's okay."

As Johnny drove, Ash glanced over at his profile. It was still hard to believe how traumatic this guy's life was; how much he had on his plate and the emotional strife he had to deal with was hidden behind such a kind eyes and a positive demeanor. How everyday, this guy went home with an permanent ache in his chest as he had to live with the possibility of his dad dying behind bars.

It must have been absolutely crushing.

"...So, what are your plans?" Johnny suddenly spoke again and Ash yanked her eyes away from him.

"Eh, I dunno." she muttered, forcing her gaze out the small amount of scenery she could perceive from the window.

"Will you try out for more performances around town?"

"Probably… Well, until I get rejected again that is."

"Aw, c'mon." he chuckled when he halted the truck at a stop sign - the shift in gravity making her stomach lurch forward. "You need to be more positive than that! You're a great singer and musician - go in there knowing you'll get chosen. You've gotta to be more confident in your abilities, Ash."

The porcupine had to force her eyes not to roll when she glanced over a him. He was looking at her, a smirk pulling up one side of his mouth and her stomach lurched in a different sense when she saw the flash of his white canines peaking through his gray mouth and instantly wanted to slap herself for thinking he had a great smile.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah... Practice what you preach then." she grumbled under her breath and forced her eyes to drift from his face yet could still see his confused expression in her peripheral.

"Hmm?"

"You just said your dad wasn't going to show up - where's your confidence?"

Johnny's face fell for a moment before his normal calm smile was back. The truck accelerating back down another long winding road before he spoke again.

"You're right… I should be more positive. Thank you, Ash."

"I wouldn't thank me yet." she muttered mainly to herself whilst glancing back out of the window. Eyes glazing over as a sudden wave of exhaustion hit her hard. More mentally and emotionally draining than anything, but still there. Yet, she was focused and made sure to stay awake even if it meant continuing what she found to be her rather awkward attempt at conversing.

A few moments later and one question that had been lingering in the back of her mind kept pestering her; flitting about no matter how many times she tried pulling it down. After awhile, she stopped fighting it anymore and it just slipped out.

"If the singing thing doesn't work - what are you going to do?" She felt as if the question should have been directed toward herself but she couldn't deny she was curious about his options. Maybe it would give her more ideas to add to the list of her measly ones.

"...Truthfully? I never really took singing as a career seriously 'til I found that paper..." for a moment, her memory flashed to that moment she first saw it too - stuck to Lance's quills when they were getting on the train.

Upon reading it, a fire grew in her chest when she thought of possibly winning…that same fire now gone and now she just felt cold. Thinking of how useless all of this was; how if she didn't find it and they didn't go to that audition…she'd probably still be with Lance…Stuck with that jerk and working worthless gigs and dead end jobs for the rest of her damned life. At least now, she had other options and a chance to make her own future instead of being stuck in a rut with a boyfriend who never cared about her.

Who would have thought that single piece of paper could have changed her life (and Johnny's as well) the way it did? Her thoughts suddenly coming to a halt when said gorilla began speaking again.

"It just came out of nowhere when I was shutting the garage door," the way he said garage with his accent made her smirk a little, "I mean, before then, it was more of a hobby; somethin' I enjoyed but never took too seriously. An unfathomable dream almost but when I went to the audition and Buster chose me - or rather had to pick me over that giraffe…" he said with a mirthless chuckle, "It was the very first time I realized that I wanted to do this. I wanted to be a singer…" Johnny relayed the story slowly; his main focus on the road prevalent in this situation.

"So, you never sang much before then?"

"I wouldn't say that. I'd sing all the time - just only when I was alone. Typical places like in the shower, at the gym, when I'd go out for walks or skateboarding…even while I was waiting for my dad to finish his heists and I was the lookout."

"Wait...you sang when you were supposed to be a lookout for your dad?" Ash couldn't help but laugh a little at that; picturing sweet, innocent Johnny (lost in his head as usual) singing without a care in the world as his dad's somewhere robbing a bank. It was rather comical if you thought about it.

"Eh…" Johnny's face grew a tinge of red at her statement, "I wasn't the best lookout, I admit…"

"Heh. No kidding. But that was it? You never sang in front of people or played piano before now? I find that hard to believe." she said with a furrowed brow; she heard him playing the piano that day as she passed by Buster's office - he didn't sound like someone who first touched ivory keys a week ago.

"No...I never sang or played in front of people before recently…well, except my mum that is." A horrifying sadness flashed in his eyes; the briefest hints of a frown pulling at his lips when he spoke but before she could say a word, he continued, "…but that was a long time ago. I-I used to play piano when I was a kid so I guess some of it's coming back but also, Miss Crawly's a good teacher and I've always been a bit of a fast learner."

Ash was so tempted for him to elaborate more about his past but she wondered again why she was bothering getting to know Johnny even better now. Not to mention if he'd even open up to her anymore than he already had. She had to accept this was perhaps the last few moments she'd ever spend with him. Their dreams dashed by Buster's refusal, there was hardly any need to get to know him more but for some twisted reason, she kinda wanted to. Pushing down her doubts, she opened her mouth to speak but Johnny (thankfully in retrospect) beat her to it.

"To answer your question from earlier, I have other options. I worked at my dad's mechanic shop my whole life. In London, that was his job and owned his own business, but when we moved here and the business was slow…he had to give it up and that's when he started…well, you know; but I suppose that's one option I still have open." Johnny stopped at a light; glancing over to her to give her a slight shrug of his shoulders.

It seemed strange to think of Johnny under the hood or body of a car, covered in motor oil and grease; cutting up fingers that played the piano so beautifully; exhaust and the stench of gasoline perhaps ruining those vocal chords after hours of breathing it in. Fixing cars wasn't a profession she seen Johnny enjoying but she didn't picture herself working in a retail shop with a red shirt and khaki's either but beggars aren't choosers she supposed. In a perfect world, they'd both have record contracts and be living the high life but sadly…this was reality.

Ash thought if Johnny could make due with a regular job like most of the population, she supposed she could as well.

"What about you?" Johnny suddenly spoke again; the car lurching forward had her hand subconsciously grasping at the leather seats to steady herself even if the seatbelt was doing that for her. "You've been singing a long time?"

The question wasn't one she expected but since she asked him about his past - it was only fair she answered.

"My dad used to tell me as soon as I could talk, I was singing. Didn't pick up a guitar til after I met Lance though," she said with as much disdain as would fit in her voice; the one aspect she hated was that asshole was the one to teach her to play. Her beloved guitar containing such tainted memories she'd rather not ponder.

"In high school, I was in band and an after school music club was where I met him and the rest was history. He taught me guitar and even bought my the one I play - the only decent present he ever bought me. Over the years, we were a band I guess you'd call it; getting occasional gigs and I was hoping Moon's contest would be our big break…"

Ash let out a deep breath; accessing silently how life could change so fast without any warning. A rug ripped from under you leaving you no choice but to tumble and fall flat on the ground. Forcing you into the aftermath of staring up at the sky - gasping for air but none would come…

"Well, you know how that ended…" Ash shrugged it off; not bothering to acknowledge the glance of sympathy Johnny sent her. "But I'm not giving up - I'll figure this out. May take longer than I want it to, but truth be told, I'd rather be where I am now that still stuck with that cheating bastard. If that's all this did for me...I guess that's something I'll always have to thank Buster for."

Johnny smiled; the gesture more in her peripheral but still there. It was weird but it was true. At least where she was, she could do things on her own. Carve her own path in the sand and either follow the wind or fight against the tide. It was her life now and she planned to make the most of it.

"You'll be fine, Ash. You got that fighting spirit - you'll do just fine." Johnny's words were quiet and almost spoken under his breath.

"Yeah…and so will you."

At the next stop, Johnny glanced over at her.

Ash made sure her arms were crossed and eyes steadfast on the dashboard in front of her. Wanting to hide the fact she'd said something encouraging even if it slipped out almost unintentionally. Ash didn't catch the smile on his face or sparkle return to his eyes; only stared at the window as the truck and it's occupants began moving closer into the heart of the city.

Twenty minutes later, they arrived back at her apartment; the tires of his truck coming to a halt where he parallel parked in front of her apartment door. The ignition turned off and remained still for a long time; Ash hesitated and it was obvious Johnny was too. His eyes still steadfast on the road even when the car was long since parked. By the tilt of his brow and furrowed lips, you can easily tell he was tempted to say something but she wouldn't push it especially when her own mind was flooded with a million and one things that wanted to leech out.

If you asked why she was hesitating to leave, she couldn't exactly tell you.

Perhaps it was because she some part of her didn't want this to end… That once she passed the threshold of the truck door and back into her dark, empty apartment, all of this would truly be over for good. This past month, while crazy and wrought with unimaginable grief, torment, and pain…there was something about it she wasn't ready to let go of just yet. Would even fully agree that maybe, just maybe, she'd grown attached to those she met thus far - Moon, Miss Crawly, Rosita, Gunter, Meena…and of course, Johnny.

Hating it was only now that she finally realized it…

To think it took a new family of sorts to make her feel somewhat whole again after Lance's earth-shattering betrayal and her new encounter with loneliness that she never experienced before. These animals she just met were there for her when no one else was: listened to her, talked, comforted, and reached out when no one else bothered to ever care before (not even the guy she gave five years of her life to).

It was awhile before she even realized that Johnny's eyes were on her. Ash turned her head toward him and met his gaze steadily, an ache growing in her chest when he suddenly gave her the barest hints of a smile; one that clearly didn't reach his eyes for the first time she could ever recall.

"Well, we're here." he muttered the obvious and she couldn't help but smirk at that.

"Yeah. I noticed."

"Hmm. S'pose you did…Um, I guess, uh…I-I'll be seeing you around, Ash."

Ash knew he didn't intend to lie but who were they kidding? With no more hope of Buster turning around and making this competition a reality, there was really no reason they would see each other again. They were still teetering on this delicate edge of acquaintances and…maybe friends? Perhaps just two souls who needed to meet to realize other animals had struggles too and they had helped each other out in that sense.

"Yeah." she replied steadily; she guessed she was a liar too.

In those moments of hearing about his father, she'd felt as if she knew a side of him no one else did. He willingly told her a part of his life he had kept secret from everyone up until today…and it felt good. Felt good to connect beyond simple greetings and exchanged pleasantries.

"Sorry. Let me get your door." Johnny muttered and Ash watched as he unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of his side of the truck. Busying herself with doing the same when he opened her door for her.

Her task complete, icy blue eyes met chestnut brown before slipping down his body to where his hand was proffered once again. The stubborn side wanted to push it away and climb down herself but in all actuality, she was just tired and didn't care about acting prickly and flippant right now.

With slight hesitation, she took his hand and allowed him to help her descend.

"Hey! Who knows? Maybe I'll bump into you again." Johnny chuckled in an obvious intent to try and lighten the somber mod that filled the air. Ever so gently, he squeezed her hand a bit as he helped her down the truck bed.

"Yeah. Maybe..." Ash couldn't help but return the sentiment as she stepped safely onto the sidewalk. The two glanced at one another, a few words going much left unsaid and it was a full minute before either of them realized they were still holding hands.

"Ooh. Sorry." Johnny was the first to apologize as he gently withdrew his hand.

"Don't be." Ash said without thinking, flinching a bit at the words and pretended to kick at an invisible pebble. Didn't want to acknowledge how cold she felt without his hand grasping her own by sticking her hand into her skirt pockets and cursing those plaguing thoughts.

It felt so awkward and misplaced but the quietness felt comfortable. A silence between what she would now consider more than just co-workers, competitors, or acquaintances. It felt more than that now…but as things were, it's all it would be. The pain accompanying that realization was one Ash was nowhere near ready to confront…

"...I hope everything works out for you, Ash. I really do." Johnny stated and Ash met his eyes.

"...Yeah. Same to you too."

"Thanks." he replied with a soft grin.

Without even asking, Johnny began walking her to her apartment, a comfortable silence that was broken by their soft pattering of dragging footsteps as they approached her door.

It felt like the shortest walk of her life; one Ash would reluctantly agree she wished was a little longer. The very sight of her door made her fur prickle; the little knicks from quills, or all the times Lance kicked the ajar door open because he was too lazy to take his hands out of his pockets, or bumped it with his guitar case when he came home drunk.

Memories she wished would just go away…especially now…

"It was nice getting to know you a little more." Johnny spoke, breaking her out of her reverie. Her fragile heart skipping a bit at the context and the genuine tone in which he spoke. "...and thanks for opening up to me and listening. It really helped me Ash. Thank you…"

"Eh. Yeah." she shrugged casually even as her heart nearly pounded out her chest and her palms sweat something fierce, "No problem."

Johnny's smile grew but fell a second later when she finally took her keys out of pocket.

"Oh. Sorry for keepin' ya." his whole demeanor shifted; a look of guilt rose on his face that Ash immediately squashed down.

"No. It's fine. Really."

"Well, anyway…" Johnny glanced out toward the street and somewhere far off before continuing, "I still better be going - that appointment with my dad is pretty soon."

"Oh. Oh, yeah, you better not miss that." Ash continued to hide behind a nonchalant shrug.

"True. Heh… Well, um…I guess this is goodbye for now." it was Johnny's turn to shrug, his smile lopsided and not at all the smile she was used to.

"I guess so." she waved a bit; the words felt hallow in her throat but was able to choke out, "Bye, Johnny."

"Goodbye, Ash." Johnny smiled for real this time before all of a sudden, he'd turned his back to her and began walking away.

In this moment of sudden panic she desperately wanted to say something. What exactly, she had no freaking idea, just something…Yet the more stubborn side ignored it; told her she was being ridiculous and for the first time in awhile, she listened to it. Forced her to turn around and push her key in the door and open it.

She didn't care.

She didn't care.

She didn't care…it was the only mantra that kept her from screaming out to him…but he beat her too it upon reaching his truck and turning back around.

"Oi, Ash wait!" Johnny suddenly spoke and a spark of happiness she didn't care to meditate over appeared in her like a spark when she turned back to him. Her eyes wide and curious as he approached.

"Yeah?" she said, voice much higher pitched than she intended; clearing her throat and hoped he didn't notice how her cheeks flushed in embarrassment.

"You almost forgot these." he said and in his large hand was the baggie of cookies she got from Rosita's place.

…Had that only been a few hours ago?

…it felt like a lifetime…

"Oh." was her first disappointed reaction until she quickly followed it with a chuckle and an "Oops. Heh. Glad you remembered."

Ash reached out to grab the baggie, her fur prickling when she accidentally brushed the side of her hand over his warm palm. Once they were in her possession, Johnny pulled back and gave her a small military type wave with a flit of his his index and middle fingers by his forehead.

"See ya, Ash." he said before he had walked away and was in his truck before she could even fully process what was happening.

Forcing those strange feelings down, Ash turned around and opened her door and quickly closed it behind her. Yet something had her going to her window, peeking from behind her curtains to see Johnny sitting in his truck for a moment. Chestnut eyes flicked toward her apartment and for a few brief seconds, she thought perhaps he could see her but those faded when he turned away again. Fiddled with his steering wheel for a brief moment before she heard the truck come to life.

The purr of an engine and quick glance in his rearview mirror - than he was gone.

Ash flinched when the abrupt gravity of his absence hit her; staring off toward the direction his truck disappeared to for a longer time than she cared to admit…Only one thing was for certain…she didn't know how to feel about anything anymore…