AMBASSADOR NO MORE

Chapter 3

Purpose

Midway from their journey, Clarke is wrapped around her thoughts. Lexa's words swim around her mind, making her wonder what life was like before the Ark had landed on Earth. "Kai?" she calls for her closest guard.

"Wanheda." Kai answers, riding somewhat slower to keep pace with Clarke's horse. The sound of the name sends a chill through her spine. Wanheda has never been a label she was proud to wear. It whispered too many deaths and cast a shadow over her past with Lexa. She shakes it off. "What does it mean for Polis when settlers find a home in your territory?"

"Our territory." Kai corrects her and Clarke nods. "Well, those who have spotted them know not to approach unless their home is threatened. The first thing to do is to send a message to the nearest Scout Camp. There are always Scouts of the Flamekeeper near every clan. A number of scouts will then ride to Polis to deliver the news while a designated group will sequester the area to observe."

Clarke wonders if not too long ago, the Dropship was surrounded by scouts. How much of their struggle did they see? How long before they were labelled as a threat? "What does it mean for the Commander?" Clarke asks when Kai becomes silent.

"If the scouts think the settlers are dangerous, the Commander's duty is to authorize the scouts to lead the settlers away. The less bloodshed the better. If they retaliate, the Commander can approve a Kill Sequence. If the scouts fail, the Commander herself will intervene. If they are friendly, or if they have something the Commander wants, we offer them the Coalition."

"Do you think... The settlers they found recently…" Clarke pauses, carefully choosing her words. "Do you think they're friendly?" It takes a while for Kai to answer. His brows furrow, trying to find the best words to tell Heda's hodness that Heda is yet again at the verge of planning to ride off to the edges of Sankru to face the troubling threat herself.

"Kai?" Clarke urges.

"Ambassador." Kai sighs. "There is a possibility that Heda is considering a journey to the edges of Sangedakru to reclaim the land."

"Possibility?" Clarke asks. Her horse begins to gallop at the jerk of her legs and she struggles to regain control. Discussions of Heda leaving Polis has never been raised in their meetings before. "I don't think the other Ambassadors know about this."

"The Circle of Ambassadors are not concerned with matters such as this."

"But there could be another war. Our resources could be of use."

"The Commander has no need for aids from Clans to challenge a group of settlers, Wanheda. At least not yet." Kai sighs. "The army of Polis is large enough to contain them and so there is no need to risk other soldiers."

"I'm just worried about her." Clarke whispers, clutching onto her horse and thinking whether it was a good decision to be apart from Lexa for this long. "She didn't tell me that she was planning on leaving too."

"She worries too." Kai smiles. He reaches across the distance that separates them and gives her wrist a reassuring squeeze. "She worries a lot. For you." Clarke looks over to him. "But duty is a powerful leader that commands us all."

The wind ripples between them, sending shivers through Clarke's spine. Somethings doesn't feel right. The ride is longer and colder than she had expected. The soil is crunching beneath the hooves of the horses, the sun is hidden beneath the thick clouds. Her guard thinks that ice will fall much later but it feels as though the snow is already here. Clarke pulls her blue cape even tighter around her shoulders and she takes a deep breath. Her exhales comes out as a white cloud that fades up into the air. Perhaps by nightfall they will reach the gates of Arkadia but for now, she is left with her thoughts about Polis and her mission that begins at the very first page of her medical manual. Somehow, she cannot seem to shake the feeling of foreboding that has sunken into her bones the moment Lexa mentioned the settlers. A part of her wants to turn her horse around and ride back to Polis. After all, at this point in their journey, they are closer to the city than they are to the clan. She pushes the thoughts away. There is a greater calling. Clarke knows that Lexa kept her own mission to deal with the settlers a secret from Clarke. She of all people believes in Clarke's mission to heal the ground.

Maybe she did know, Clarke thinking to herself, She knew that if she told me that she'd be leaving for Sangedakru that I won't let her go alone. She wants me to be here. She wants me to train. I'm doing the right thing and she'll be safe.

They continue on riding through the noon, resting only to eat a quick meal and to let the horses rest. Clarke breathes in the cold forrest air, trying to remember how much the things have changed and how much things could still change. When she can't help the silence anymore, she asks Kai how she could reach Heda if things get difficult and when she misses her too much to ignore her absence.

"Should we encounter any problems throughout our mission, a quick message can be delivered to Heda through the nearby scouts." Kai smiles. "The scouts know the ground better than any alive. We can trust them to be our voice."

"That's good." Clarke exhales a sigh of relief.

"Ambassador," Kai begins, "May I speak freely?"

"Of course you can." Clarke looks to him.

"It is true that Heda had once loved another." He starts slow, unsure of how to tell the tale. "It was a different time. A very long time ago. She was younger but not any less wiser. I have served her from the very moment she Ascended and now at her order, I serve you. I have seen Heda grow strong throughout her reign but at the loss of her hodness, I have seen her turn hard as well, unfeeling, unattached, and sometimes ruthless." Kai pauses and he closes his eyes for a moment. "From the moment you walked into Heda's life, things changed. She changed. I just wanted to take the time to tell you the great impact you have had on her. Some believe that to be Heda is to be alone but I have seen Heda flourish in your love and I thank you. Polis thanks you."

When the dawn rises, Lexa shuffles under the sheets of her bed, her arms reaching out for Clarke, only to be greeted with emptiness. She opens her eyes, squinting against the glint of the sunlight creeping through her curtains, and she heaves a sigh. It will take some time to get used to her absence. She gets to her feet and takes her black robes hanging on the post of her bed. She takes a moment to look out her window. Polis is still sleeping. The ice is yet to fall but the winds have gotten even colder. She wonders then if Clarke had made it safely to Arkadia, if the winds of the eve that passes had been cold and whether the cape she had lent her gave her any warmth at all.

Below her tower the market persists on opening. Not much will survive the harsh cold that the ice will bring but they always get through. She smiles proudly to herself as she sees the merchants begin to load their produce onto the tables of their booths. She is proud of the resilience of her people and their collective effort to keep each other alive. From a far, beyond the trees and across the river that snakes around the forrest, a smoke signal burns green against the white sky. Her scouts among Sankru are ready for her arrival. It will be a long ride but, should it come to it, the fight will quick. She pulls her robe tight around her and makes her way to the bath.

"Kala?" Quietly, she peeks outside her room and calls for her handmaid. Kala comes around the corner of the hall, her brown skirt flittering behind her. "Ai Heda." Kala bows her head. "Yu clinba ste ed." My Commander, your bath is ready.

"Mochof, Kala." Thank you, Kala. Lexa smiles. She lets Kala lead her to the baths, take her robe from her shoulders and she sinks into the warm bath as Kala lights some candles before leaving with the door closed. Kala knows the ritual. It's strange but for the longest time in her life, Kala knew her best. To grow up as a Natblida in a strange city, away from home, and with no real family surrounding you, your life becomes your training. Your new siblings are your fellow Natblidas but on the day of the Conclave, only the strongest must continue on. After her Ascension, Lexa's only true family were Costia, Anya and Kala. She sinks deeper into the bath, letting the pink petals swim up to her chin. She closes her eyes for a while, knowing well that Kala will now be preparing her war gear and her coats for the ride to Sankru. Some floors beneath her, her trusted guards are preparing rations, supplies, and weapons for the trip. It should be quick but still, only her best weapons will do.

Under the water, Lexa behind to flex her wrist and her fingers. She stretches her toes and her legs and she forces even the smallest muscles around her eyes to relax. In times like these, tension and anxiety are her silent enemies. She lets her ears sink beneath the surface of the water, trying her best to drown out the fears she has of Clarke's mission. Whether she has already admitted it to herself or not, Polis knows that Clarke is Heda's family too. To lead the ground is a lonely chore but a handful of people prove to be strong enough to bear it with her. For the longest time, she has been taught that to be Heda is to be alone but, on her own, she learned that to be a stronger leader, you cannot do it alone.

She takes a deep breath, knowing well that the fight she will enter today will be different from all the fights she had fought before Clarke. In her life Clarke seems to be her defining boundary. There was Before Clarke and After Clarke. Before Clarke, and even during Costia, she was so focused, so focused, on forming the Coalition. Nothing else mattered. Not even her own life. She had gone into every battle comfortable in the fact that she might win at the cost of her life. The Natblidas she had left at home would have still gone on without her and her legacy would have survived her death. But now, things are changing. Clarke is making her change. Lexa wonders if Kala had noticed her hands shaking when she pulled the robe away from her. She wonders if Titus was right, if her feelings for Clarke are making her weak. She pulls herself out of the water and sits in the bath, hugging her knees close to her chest.

Love is weakness.

That was Before Clarke. Before Clarke taught her that the answer to violence can not be violence and that fighting fire with fire will only make the blaze stronger. Before Clarke taught her that hiding from what you feel does not make it any less real, that acknowledging the voice of your heart does not always mean ignoring the sense of your mind. Clarke made her stronger. And so she welcomes the fear, the anxiety, and the tense foreboding feeling she always put aside. These are not her enemies but instead her advisers. To be afraid of a fight means that there is something worth losing and she will not lose Clarke, not again. Not ever.