When he barks at Charlie to get the hell out, self-loathing mixes with guilt and dark frustration because of his inability the man she deserves him to be. She can't be here. Not now. Her being here when Connor turned his back on him, him trying to hide all his shame for not being able to be a father to him, after losing his baby girl and the woman he loved, unable to protect both of them, and all the broken grief for the what if's of his life, center inside his chest, before all those memories and emotions collide into dark cold unstoppable rage. There is so much tension in his jaws, neck and shoulders that it hurts.
Having to watch how his violent aggression is reaching her like a bullet, is hell. A deep voice inside of him screams to stop hurting her. But he can't. She tries to hide it from him, hell he knows her, but she can't hide the hurt in her eyes, eyes he knows so damn well. She can't hide the lonely defeat in her shoulders, not from him. Her mouth is slightly opened and there is so much hurt in her eyes, that it's killing him. He fucking hates himself when she finally turns around and walks out of his kitchen and away from him. It adds more powerless rage to the mix of his hurt and shame. After she has walked out of his kitchen, there is only silence left. He stares into the empty space of his kitchen while daylight slowly fades.
When Bass barks at her to get out, his words cut through her like a knife. Charlie feels stunned. She feels numb, while a cold wave of sickening hurt starts to spread from her chest to her throat. Bass' eyes are cold. The dark storm of his emotions spread as a steel mask over his face. It feels like everything that has happened between them, is shattered. It takes all of her stubborn will to tell herself to move, to take a step away from him, while everything inside of her screams she wants to stay and fight through his darkness and reach him. But she doesn't know how to fight through whatever this is and Bass pushing her away the way he just did.
So she walks away from him and everything they have become. She refuses to feel the tears that are too close when she turns around and walks away from him. When she gets outside, there is an afternoon breeze. The sun is shining, The sky is clear. But not for her. She walks home without remembering how she got there. When she walks inside and closes her front door behind her, she leans into the heavy wood of the door behind her. It's cold and hard against her back when she finally lets her tears flow and a silent sob escapes from her lips.
When Connor gets home, he doesn't know what to do or what to feel next. What just happened is still pulsating through him with a sickening heaviness. He feels an overwhelming familiar loneliness pressing on his shoulders, a loneliness that has been there since the moment his mother let him leave with Miles. She let him leave and never came for him in Mexico. He never saw her again. It's the same loneliness of having to watch his uncle and aunt die and his life on the street. It's the same loneliness of knowing that his life in the cartel was never the life he should have lived. The sense of power, the way Nunez had treated him and made him feel and the endless available girls that treated him like he was everything had silenced that loneliness for a while, until his dad, Miles and his whack job blonde had walked into his life.
And after all their years on the road, after all the fights and a huge wall around his heart when it comes to being able to feel what he should feel for his own father, somehow his mind and heart are chasing for more of need for power, to matter and to be someone defined by the clear lines of control. It's the only way he knows how to deal with all of it.
Charlie is right, he wants his dad to choose him, just him, just this once. He wants what his dad has with Miles. He wants what Charlie has with Miles. It is why it had hurt so much when Charlie had pushed herself to find Miles when he had been missing after Austin, even when Miles sometimes was a total asshole by shutting her out when she had needed to talk about her past and even when Neville was still out there. He had been jealous, because of her willingness to find so hard for Miles. It's a loyalty he had been craving for at that moment. The jealousy and the anger that had followed had prevented him to follow her and have her back out there. He should have been there for her, because she had put her life on the line in New Vegas for his dad and him and especially after she had trusted him enough to share with him that Neville had put a gun to her face, when her mom and his dad had been too busy with their own bullshit and emotional baggage to pay attention to what was happening to her.
It's why it fucking hurts to see Miles with his dad, to see what his dad is still willing to be and do for Miles. It's an almost unbreakable force, and the truth is, Connor wants that. He knows Charlie is right, a part inside of him that belongs to who he used to be in Jasper, realizes that more control or power won't fill that emptiness. But his dad promised they would get the Republic bac. Together. It had made him feel like he finally could belong somewhere again. It had made the loneliness stop for a while. And now, it's just another broken promise. It's another thing he thought he could hold onto.
And now feels like everything is falling apart. His father turning down his idea of rebuilding their Republic after receiving his offer from Blanchard to move east, was another blow. He hates how weak it makes him feel. He hates walking away from his dad, even after everything that has happened. He hates walking away from Charlie when she had tried to talk to him and try to understand what was happening, because the truth is, he cares about her. He knows she is not his, but he cares deeply about her. And he doesn't know what the hell is happening, he just knows rage and old hurt took over. They are still there. But now, the silence and loneliness are rushing back and filling his heart again. He doesn't want to be stay but he also hates he doesn't want to leave it all behind.
When Miles pours himself another glass of whiskey across town, the kitchen around him feels too damn quiet. He doesn't know what the hell to do. He just got in another fight with Rachel, and although he loves her, he knows that won't chance no matter what kind of fucked up they are, he doesn't know if they will ever be able to be who they could have been if their past had not been filled with all of their stupid. He's tired of her pushing him for things he is not ready for, he's tired about thinking about doing the right thing and her constant nagging to talk about things he doesn't want to talk about. He is tired of her making Bass the ultimate bad while Miles himself had been there for a lot of all their ugly shit from the past in Philly.
He misses Charlie. She is a stubborn pain in the ass, but god, he misses her. Hell, he even misses Bass. He misses talking to him and how Bass used to be there for all the stupid he got himself into and how he used to be there for these kind of lonely, miserable nights, especially when it comes to all the miserable nights losing himself in how him and Rachel had been messing with his head. The empty chair next to him feels too damn empty. The bruises on Miles' face from their fight are almost gone, but Bass' words, his rage, and the hurt Miles knows so well was that's hiding behind all his brother's rage, are still there like another echo and decision from the past he can't outrun. He stares into the darkness in front of him while he puts the glass of whiskey to his lips.
One week later
Connor is sitting on his porch, while he is cleaning his weapons. When an unexpected sound breaks through the silence of his day, Connor looks up to find Miles standing in front of his house.
'Hey kid, can we talk?'
Old rage immediately reaches the surface when Miles calls him kid. Connor grits his teeth when he hears Miles and the casual tone of his words that he is trying to use to cover up all of his bullshit.
Connor gets up and walks towards Miles with big, angry steps. His boots hit the wood of the porch. He stops right in front of Miles.
'You want to talk? So,talk.' His spits out his words, his words are sharp, his eyes are filled with irritation and there is a challenge moving from his shoulders through his whole body when he faces Miles.
Miles feels like hell. A part of him is fucking tired of thinking about doing the right thing. He is tired of the endless arguments and the battle inside of him of what he did, who he became and who he used to be. But Charlie walking into in his life, and taking his brother all the way to Mexico to find Connor and seeing Connor again after realizing both him and Charlie went through hell, it has changed things. Connor and Charlie, they both made him have to face the past and the decisions he was part of that had shaped their lives. So it is killing him to stand in front of Connor and his rage that reminds him so much of Bass, his fingers are trembling and his whole body screams for booze, but Connor needs to hear this.
Miles wishes there was a big bottle of whiskey in his hand, to soothe and erase everything that is suddenly cornering him and he has been trying to push away the last years. Emma's face is suddenly close. The memories of her laughter when they had been in high school, the way she would look at him across class, the way she could change his whole day with her smile and how the sun had played with her hair find him again. He remembers how he had tried to impress her with all his stupid moves, he remembers their first kiss. The memories of cool beers while he had been hanging out with her, and Bass, are all there.
He remembers their first night together. He remembers her knowing smile. He remembers how her long hair had brushed against his chest after he had made her come in his arms, her name a strong hoarse whisper close to her ear when he had come, how he had felt and how she had felt, naked, soft and warm in his arms while his hands had moved over her smooth skin. He remembers how his hands had been trembling. She hadn't been his first, but she had been the first that had made that night more than just sex. And then, the memory he tries to block always finds him. How she had felt, holding her in his arms after she had died, with the overwhelming sound of Bass' helicopter hanging in the air above them, is close.
But then, all the memories before that one crushing memory, and the soft understanding summer smile that was Emma, also makes him remember why he is here and what he has to tell Connor, even though it is hell standing in front of him. But he deserves to hear what he is about to say.
He can't chance what he has done, but maybe, this will help the kid. Miles knows that Connor is struggling with his past, he knows that Connor is getting into fights and is drinking too much. He knows Charlie is trying to help, not only for Connor but also for Bass. They have never talked about this, but he knows she cares about the stupid asshole that he still considers his brother and that his brother cares about her. He knows how hard Bass struggles to reach Connor and how much it hurts both him and Connor. Emma would hate it, it would break her fucking heart.
'When Emma got word to me…I didn't know about you.' Miles pauses, to brace himself for what will be next. Connor looks straight at Miles. 'Bass was turning into a man I no longer recognized. The Republic was shaking on its feet. Emma knew you could be in danger. She begged me for help. I couldn't walk away from that. I never told Bass.'
Connor and Miles both know where Emma's reaching out to Miles for help had ended. It had ended with Miles showing up in Jasper, and Emma letting him leave with Miles to Mexico.
Listening to Miles hurts. The memories of his mother that are suddenly so close and vivid, hurt. He lets Miles talk but he can't talk himself. Connor swallows heavily while something raw and sad at the same time fills his eyes. The last time he was alone with Miles was when they had travelled from Jasper to Mexico. It has been years ago. And now, they are finally talking about something that they have never talked about.
'We really thought we did the right thing.' A heavy silence presses on both their shoulders. Miles' heartbeat feels more heavy. Connor swallows his tension away. Because there it is. The thing they have never talked about. The thing they should have talked about. 'And...now I am not sure anymore kid.'
The raw truth lingers between them. Something changes inside of Connor when Miles admits what he is sharing with him right now. Time moves on slowly. Miles doesn't know what to say. Heavy guilt fills Miles' thoughts and his dark eyes.
So he waits and nods with heavy deep eyes, before he turns around and walks off the steps of the porch. He knows that Connor needs some time to be alone now. He is so much like Emma, she is right there in the way he needs his time to process things, in the way he pays attention to what is happening inside of everyone and the way he observes anything around him before he talks or does something himself and his gentle kindness that Connor only seems to show Charlie. That's Emma. That's so like her that it hurts so damn much and calms something inside of him at the same time. It makes him stop and turn around to face Connor again.
'I loved her, kid.'
Both men look at each other. Connor knows that Miles' words are filled with honesty. Miles is not the first that about his mom the way does. He remembers those same words, spoken by his father on a miserable rainy morning New Vegas. For what it's worth. I loved her. His father's voice is close when he looks at Miles. They both loved her.
Connor still refuses to talk, but the gentle shift in his eyes to a friendliness that belongs to Emma tells Miles that Connor accepts his words. He waits for Connor's nod of acceptance. It's a wordless form of acceptance from man to man they both understand.
Miles knows it doesn't change one single miserable thing from the past, but it adds something less miserable to his heart. He knows Emma would have wanted Connor to know. He needs Connor to know she mattered to him and that he did what he did to help her.
Connor looks at Miles when he walks home. He slowly lets everything that Miles just shared with him swirl inside of him. It doesn't take away the pain. It doesn't change the past. But Miles showing up and willing to talk about his decisions in that the past and his part in it, finally silences some of the sharp edges of that past inside of him.
Author's Note I loved writing this chapter because I was able to explore more of all these characters, their emotions and where they are now at this point of the story. I also truly enjoyed writing more of Connor's story and to write about his loneliness, his memories and hurt and the darkness we saw in season 2 and Miles' actions and decisions that have made a lasting impact on Connor's life. I always wondered what would happen if Connor and Miles were able to talk about the past. I also wanted to write about Miles in this chapter, to explore more of his backstory with Emma and his past with her from the moment their story started. I really enjoy the flashbacks we got to see from both of them on the show. I want to thank you for your reviews and for following this story. I have been working on this chapter, chapter 15 and 16 for a while now. I want to publish chapter 15 later this week, hopefully around next weekend. Love from Love