AN: Here it is the next crazy installment of The Ugly Duckling Bakery!
A huge thank you to my amazing Beta, Sunflower3759, who makes my words make sense. She is probably questioning my crazy after this chapter.
I am writing The Little Pink House now, so those who are reading that one it should be out soon.
Thank you for all the new follows and reviews! I appreciate every single one of them. To know that you all enjoy my silly has been wonderful. Writing is my stress relief and to know I can make people laugh is just the icing on the cake.
Disclaimer: You know who doesn't own Twilight? Me.
Chapter 14: Wedding Cake
It hadn't been a hard decision to call in sick to the bakery. Liam was extremely understanding of Bella's 'illness'; his guilt about getting her in such a predicament was enough that he was willing to grovel as long as needed. Peter was going to harass her all morning and Alice would be trying to do horrible things like hug her poor boss. It really was Liam's fault for pushing her into coming to the party in the first place. Irish Whisky was a wicked mistress and it certainly lived up to its wicked reputation.
Bella was fine about making Liam suffer, so even though she was in hiding, she would call him constantly and make him fetch her goodies. He was her personal delivery boy. Shades drawn, her feet tucked underneath her body, Bella sat on the sofa and watched Days of Our Lives. Bella was trying to be patient as she waited for her much needed hamburger and fries. She was not willing to chance going out on her own and risk seeing her new, brother in law. The thought alone made her cringe. Fat Boy Cullen had a permanent stool at the diner and she was sure his behind had left imprints that made its ownership very well known.
It was amazing, in Bella's humble opinion, how idiotic soap operas are when trying to show the intricacies of the real world. People that actually existed would never do the crazy things or say the nonsense that was spouted on these shows. Seriously, why would the heroine of the show ever marry her arch nemesis? Sure, he was an attractive British man, but all they did was fight and have sex. He was trying to steal her beauty supply business. A quickie marriage in a land far away was nonsense. Who did that?
Her mouth dropped open, in realization, of how her life was mirroring a daytime serial. It was as if the life of Isabella Marie Swan was now delving into fiction. She was becoming a living interpretation of those horrendous chick lit books. The stories that Rose refuses to admit she reads, even though she does. The ones that tell a tale of a stupid girl doing even 'stupider' things for an idiot man. Even worse, what if her life was now like those fan fictions that Alice was always reading on her phone, instead of working. Bella almost canceled the Wi-Fi at the bakery, because of Alice's obsession withreading stories based on vampire porn at work.
Life was a mess, a big stinky mess that made no sense in the least. Bella popped a packaged, processed, mass produced, chocolate cookie in her mouth. It was like eating a piece of dessert blasphemy, but Bella deserved no better. A wedding to a red headed idiot in Vegas would be considered the most ridiculous thing that she ever did. Actually, it will probably rank in the top ten. Bella was a champ at doing the ridiculous.
Bella sighed and ripped open a big bag of potato chips with a groan. Maybe, if she ate her weight in unhealthy snacks and drank a pool full of carbonated, sugary beverages, than Edward would turn and run his attractive butt to whatever hole he came out of. Relationships should be slow, and take many years to develop. Also, the participants of said relationships should spend as much time as possible apart. Bella loved routines, and having a man in her life was ruining it.
The doorbell buzzed, jarring her from stuffing her face with the salty goodness. Bella took the remote that was attached to her side and paused the television, the image of the sexy British man in the suit filling the screen. He kind of reminded her of a dark haired Edward. He was hot. Edward was hot. She, once again, hated to admit this. Bella also wondered if it was possible to get drunk off of copious amounts of salt and sugar.
Bella stumbled to the door, her tattered Hello Kitty robe hanging off one shoulder and her brown locks a tangled mess. Her greasy hands clutching the potato chip bag, she was not looking her best. Bella threw open the door to grab her bag of greasy meat, when she fell into a pair of muscular arms. A husky voice growled, "Good afternoon, Wife, I... What the hell are you wearing?"
"Clothes," Bella muttered into Edward's chest. She tried to banish the inappropriate need to lick him.
"That robe is a monstrosity." Edward was appalled and wished she would remove it. Mostly, in the hope she was naked underneath.
Bella scowled at him. "Don't you bust on the kitty. Why are you here?"
"Why does it smell like moth balls?" Edward completely ignored Bella's question.
Bella huffed and pushed against Edward's stomach to move away from him. He was way too close and way too tempting. Unfortunately for the waffling Bella, Edward had other ideas.
He clasped her hands tightly and forced her back to his arms. "Kiss me hello, Wife."
Edward's lips went down to Bella's and he kissed her hard. His tongue pushed into her mouth and started caressing hers. To his happy surprise, she wrapped her arms around his waist. He twisted his hands into her hair, hoping that this would be the turning point of their relationship.
He was incorrect, because Bella pulled her head away and scowled. "Thanks for the action, Vincent Van Gogh, but you can leave now."
"Bella, I can't leave. This is my home, too."
"You are warped, Buddy." She escaped from his arms and headed towards the couch where she flopped down. "You can't live here. We are getting this thing annulled."
"We consummated the union, Isabella," Edward disagreed in exasperation. He moved towards her and she threw a pillow at his head.
"Stay back, you red headed siren!" Bella put her hands up in a defensive pose. "There is no actual proof of any consummation of anything that night."
"We were naked!"
"I had a shirt on!"
Edward laughed and wiggled his eyebrows. "You were one hundred percent naked underneath, baby. I can remember slightly that my hands gripped those beautiful bare hips of yours and taking my di..."
"Please stop, because I do not want to hear it!" Bella placed her hands on her ears and started humming for a minute. She took her hands away and looked angrily at a chuckling Edward. "You are not funny, Dumb Ass. Liam is going to be here any minute with my cheeseburger. Get out!"
"Emmett is eating it outside right now."
"That was my lunch!" Bella was going to suffocate him with the potato chip bag.
Edward gave her a condescending look. "Sweetheart, your breath is already rank from all the other junk you've been consuming. I brought you a lovely spinach and chicken wrap from the new deli that Alec Scott opened."
"I want grease!"
"I want us to have a long and joyful marriage without one of us keeling over with a coronary." Edward tried to get her to see the sense he was making.
Another pillow flew and hit him on his upper thigh.
Edward pinched his nose with a sigh. "Darling, I will bring in your lunch. Emmett and I will start bringing in my things."
"Go home to your momma. Talk to me about this marriage thing in five years." Bella popped another chip into her mouth. "I need to order another burger."
"I am moving in."
"You are not! I am going to call Charlie and have him arrest you!" Bella narrowed her eyes willing him to disappear.
Edward sat next to his cranky love and wrapped his arms around her flailing body which made the chips fly through the air like confetti. Bella looked in horror. "You spilled my chips!"
"Oh simmer down, my hellcat, I'll buy you some veggie chips," Edward kissed the squirming Bella on the head. "Charlie is coming over anyway to help me unload my things."
"You told him?" Bella was about to have a nervous breakdown.
"Of course, I did. He's my new father-in-law." Edward knew that he would have to take matters into his own hands when it came to Charles Swan. Bella was becoming a master of avoiding the matter at hand.
"What did he say?" Bella inquired nervously. Her father was going to kill her.
Edward hugged her closer. "He muttered something about you shouldn't have gotten drunk."
"That was it?"
"That was it. He did add that it was your own fault." Edward chuckled and added, "Oh, and I am also supposed to call him Dad."
Bella buried her head in her hands. "This mess is getting worse and worse."
Bella felt her hands being pulled away from her face and Edward kissed her nose. He then followed to her forehead. Bella looked at him with worried eyes.
"What are you doing?" She asked quietly.
"I need to be close to you, Bella." Edward ghosted his lips over her shoulder and choked on the musty robe. "This thing is disgusting. Can we please burn it? I beg of you!"
"This is not how these things are supposed to work, Ronald McDonald. We date for years. Then you ask me to marry you at a major league baseball game. I will act all embarrassed that it was broadcast on the jumbo screen. Then we have a five year engagement and randomly decide to hit up the Justice of the Peace. It's the plan I made when I was a little girl. I used my Barbie Dolls to act it out," Bella explained.
Edward looked at her like she was nuts. "You actually had your Barbies go to the Justice of the Peace?"
"Of course, I did. They fit the wedding into their lives of being famous astronauts and presidents. What did you think I did with them?"
"Alice liked to dress them up and make them go on dates." Edward said remembering when he had to play Barbie with his sister. He liked to sneak peeks of their boobs.
Bella said with a sad laugh, "I liked having feminist Barbies. It made me the strong woman I am today. Love is a distraction."
"Love is a compliment to a complete life," Edward explained taking in Bella's dubious look. "I know I wasn't always the biggest proponent for that ideal, but truthfully that was before I met you. We make no conceivable sense, I get that. Honestly, you are mean to me most of the time, but I like it. I like that you are snarly. I love that you are an odd woman obsessed with things staying in the past."
"That's the worst compliment ever."
Edward kissed her head. "Fine, you are smoking hot and I want to bone you."
"There you go with those pretty words again."
"It doesn't hurt to give this thing a go. We could, and this is a novel idea, end up being extremely happy." Edward gazed in her eyes trying to convey his deep feelings.
Bella noticed that Edward's eyes had dried pieces of that crust that one would wake up with in the morning. "You have sleep crust in your eyes. I am surprised you forgot to wipe it up, Pippi Longstocking. You are usually so meticulous."
"Bella!" Edward exclaimed. "I am trying to share my feelings here. I am man who can usually snap his fingers and get what he wants. Begging for your affection, not in an attempt to have sex, is a pretty big deal for me!"
"Fine, I am sorry to hurt your delicate feelings." Bella got up and threw her hands in the air. It was better to have distance when discussing pesky subjects like love and affection. He smelled too nice and it made her ditsy. A ditsy Bella is a frisky Bella, which would be a very bad idea indeed. "I am bad at this, too. I don't believe in love. I believe in being tough and working hard! Wait, I just thought of something."
Edward laid his head down on the back of the couch. He had no idea what was going on in that crazy head of hers. "What now?"
"You just want to move out of your Mommy's house! You have plenty of money, Momma's Boy. Get an apartment!" Bella picked up one of the previously tossed pillows and whacked Edward's head with it.
"Could you please refrain from hitting me with objects from our home? Honestly, Woman, you are bordering on abusive here." Edward hopped off the couch and wrapped his arms around his little lunatic. "I want to be with you! Can you please get that through your thick skull?"
Bella lost the will to fight the inevitable. Actually, it was probably the smell of his manly musk, making her want to stick her tongue down Edward's throat. "Fine, but you promise me one thing. You stop trying to control my life, Edward. If I want to eat a hamburger, I will eat one."
"Okay, I will try to curb my obsessive tendency to control everything," Edward said this with a grimace. An Edward who couldn't make everyone bend to his will was an unhappy Edward indeed. However, he would do this for Bella.
"Then we have a deal, Pippi." The smelly robe was slipped off her pale shoulders and fell into a heap on the floor. She wore only a threadbare New Kids on the Block tee shirt and sleep shorts. It wasn't the sexiest ensemble, but Edward loved it anyway. Bella wrapped her legs around Edward's waist with a squeal. She placed her lips on his and rammed her tongue in his mouth.
Edward was shocked, but amazingly pleased. He enjoyed the feeling of her lips caressing his and, sure her breath reeked from all the junk food she had been consuming, but beggars couldn't be choosers. His hands gripped Bella's ass and he revealed in the feeling of it in his fingers. She was everything and more. He moved his mouth away from her and licked up her face. Bella let out a mewing sound, and while that was strange and disconcerting, it somehow filled him with delight.
Bella was surprised by the disturbing noise that flew out of her mouth. How did she even make that type of noise? Oh well. She decided to go with the flow for once. What the hell, they were married after all. Bella grabbed the button down shirt Edward wore and pulled it apart, the buttons flying throughout the room. It was going to be one hell of a mess to clean up, but Edward had a glorious looking chest that made Bella immediately nibble it.
Edward sighed in response and pulled Bella to the couch and onto his lap. Her shirt was pulled up and over her head. The bra she wore at this moment, was quite a bit discolored from the washer, it's previous white, now more of an off white that bordered in cream. The straps were also stretched out, but really who could blame her. She had bought that brassiere for her culinary school orientation. It was a pleasantly surprising testament to the quality of Kmart bras that it lasted this long,
It didn't matter at all to Edward. He was far too busy nuzzling his head into her boobs and giggling with joy. He was once again in the promise land. He spoke into her breasts, "Oh, your boobs are like little pillows from heaven. Boob clouds are the best things in existence."
"Why do you talk? I was seriously enjoying myself," Bella lifted his head up so she could look at his pretty eyes. "Be quiet and nuzzle my neck, Hot Stuff."
Edward happily obliged, as his wandering hands reached to unhook the bra that was in the way of skin to skin contact. He struggled with the hooks which had been so mangled by repeat washings, and finally freed Bella's beautiful pillows of perfection. Edward was feeling a bit poetic over the extreme sexual feelings he was experiencing. Of course this came out as, "Pretty, pretty boobies."
"Edward, are you alright?" Bella asked in concern. His eyes were completely glazed over as he stared.
"Pretty, so pretty, I want to kiss the breasts." Edward was transfixed.
Bella was confused. "They're just nipples, Edward."
"I want to kiss you, beautiful breasts," Edward murmured.
"They are attached to me, Edward, an actual person," Bella said testily.
Edward looked into pretty eyes of brown. "Oh yes, indeed they are! Beautiful like the woman they are attached to. May I kiss them, my sweet?"
"Sure, if you never call me 'my sweet' again."
"Your wish is my command!" Edward squealed. Like a baby calf getting its first drink from its Mother's teat, he attacked poor Bella's nipple with gusto.
Bella was equal parts grossed out and turned on by this event. Even with her one serious boyfriend in culinary school, a French man named Laurent, Bella refused to let him touch certain parts of her anatomy. She had thought that this was because he worked with raw foods, but in actuality his dreads made her ill. She heard that you couldn't wash those natty braids and was consumed with the thoughts of small insects and birds that might liveinside them. She imagined them waiting until they were in an intimate moment to attack. She was not willing to take the risk.
This was different though, because it felt nice and made her feel tingly. She wondered if Edward tried this the times before when they were intimate, but then again she had been drinking and it was hard to remember much of anything. Of course, all good things get old and Bella was ready to be done after five minutes. "I'm not a baby bottle, Edward."
He quickly pulled his mouth away. "Right well, how about this."
Edward flipped her over and her naked back hit the soft couch. Bella smiled up as Edward hovered over her with a satisfied grin. He ghosted sweet kisses on her neck, while his hand stroked down her body. Edward then took his fingers and had them drift under the waist band of her shorts and paused. He didn't want to appear too forward, but he was giddy with the thought of touching her.
"Are we waiting for the next ice age, handsome?" Bella asked. Her nerve ending were a symphony of vibrating hums.
She called him handsome and not a derogatory name. It was a moment of pure bliss for Edward. He plunged his fingers in her warm flesh.
Bella let out a happy yell, when the door burst open with Chief Charles Swan running in with his gun drawn.
"Isabella! Daddy's here to rescue you!" Charles yelled. Then he quickly halted. His brain coming to grips with the scene before him. He dropped to the ground and covered his eyes. "I'm blind! My child blinded me!"
Emmett lumbered in and observed his brother trying to cover Bella's body with his own and started to laugh hysterically. Between guffaws, Emmett was able to say, "I told you they were knocking boots, Chief! That is fucking awesome. You have a pair of grade 'A' titties, Bella."
"Don't you dare look at my wife, Emmett!" Edward started to get up to beat his brother into submission, but his hand was still planted in Bella's shorts making them both tumble or the ground landing with a crunch on the potato chip crumbs. Bella grabbed Edward tightly to use his body as a human shield.
"Don't you dare move a muscle, Edward Cullen!" Bella squealed, holding him tight.
Emmett held out his cell phone. "I am going to get so many hits on YouTube for this shit, for real!"
Luckily, for Bella, Rosalie had walked in and snatched away Emmett's phone. Rosalie knew that when her best friend was involved, insanity wasn't far behind.
Rosalie pointed at Bella and wagged her finger. "Come on now Hooker, didn't you know that we were outside? Edward told you, right?"
"Sort of," Bella mumbled into Edward's chest.
"Well, now that everyone here is scarred for life, I think it's time for you to get a shirt back on, little lady," Rosalie pointed out. "Your in laws are on their way with more of Edward's junk."
"I do not have junk!" Edward complained.
"Those Batman dolls qualify as junk, buddy," Rose snickered.
Edward gave her the stink eye. "That junk you are referring to are collector action figurines! They are worth a lot of money!"
"I thought you liked action figures, Rosie," Emmett whined. "You said you loved my Spiderman Figurines!"
"Oh honey, that was mid orgasm. I would say I loved watching Barney the Purple Dinosaur if you asked me in the state I was in." Rosalie gave Emmett's huge head a comforting pat.
Bella just groaned wishing that everyone would leave.
"Hey kids! Why aren't things being moved in?" Esme called out, as she walked in the open door her arms holding a large box. Carlisle shuffled in behind her, pulling a large trunk. "That piano isn't going to get in here itself."
Without thinking, Bella pushed up and waved her arms in the air and shouted, "There is no room in here for a piano! No way, are you cramming all of Edward's things into my home!"
"Oh my!" Esme gasped.
"Oh my!" Carlisle whispered in appreciation.
"Oh my God!" Edward whined.
Bella threw her body back onto Edward's with a cry.
It was going to be one of those days.