Chapter 13- Wounds
Eriol wanted to smash things, how to the open air. He wanted to cast the world in darkness again, just to give everyone some idea of his pain, his sorrow and anger. How could this have happened under his very eyes? Under his watch and protection? When he had wielded all of Clow's power it never would have happened. It hadn't happened. He kept Nadeshiko safe. So why had he failed her daughter?
But he had to content himself to gripping the arms of his chair, drumming his fingers against the red leather while Spinel sat in his lap trying to purr comfortingly.
Obviously Li-kun was feeling much the same way. But with less control. He paced around the room with barely contained fury. And it was all he could seem to do not to put a hole in Eriol's oak paneling. Sakura's brother looked much the same.
"There's a punching bag in the basement, if you need to use it."
Li-kun shot him a withering glare. Sakura's brother did the same. It would have been funny if he hadn't been so upset. He hadn't expected the two of them to get along so well. Especially not after Li-kun had broken up with Sakura. But now, in the face of her trouble...
Eriol's expression turned grim again
Through his connection to his mistress Yue had known something happened. Because of him Touya had known, and therefore, the rest of them. They arrived at the Kinomoto's to find a dead body sprawled across the front page. And Sakura-chan...Sakura-chan had been in a dead faint, Cerberus standing in front, fangs and claws bared, and his fur bristling. The Cards were fanned out in a protective circle around her.
It had been easy enough to dispose of the body. Li-kun had consigned the body to flames while Eriol had taken care of the rest. They decided that Eriol's mansion was the safest place, with all magic seeped into the wood and plaster, becoming as much a part of the foundation as the support beams themselves.
Now she was safe asleep upstairs with Yue, the Cards and the strongest wards that both he and Li-kun could create.
Eriol turned back to Kero-chan, perched on the mantelpiece. "You're the only other witness that we have. Are you sure you can't remember anything else?"
"It's no good. I told you everything. I only saw her the one time, but it looked like she was working for that guy...so why would he..." They danced around the word, danced around the whole topic, trying only to speak in generalities. As if, in not speaking, they could pretend that the atrocious never happened.
"I don't know, Cerberus, I don't know."
***
Yue couldn't, wouldn't stray form his mistresses side. The others were in the living room, planning and discussing. Part of him wanted to be there, demanding Reynardine's head on a platter for hurting Sakura. But he knew that he wasn't a strategist. He was a tool, a weapon for his mistress to use. And his place was here now, where he was needed most.
Sakura shifted in her sleep, her cheeks stained with tears, her eyes rimmed in red. He reached out and smoothed a few locks of hair out of her eyes, surprised at himself that he dared. Emotion swelled in his chest, so hard and so tight that he felt like his heart would break all over again. She'd been so sheltered from the cruelties and harshness of the world. And this was such a horrible, horrible thing for her to see.
He was supposed to protect her. Yue's hands fisted in his robes. He failed her miserably. He felt a little less guilty knowing that Cerberus was with her, and that he'd done all that he could. The Sun Guardian had wanted to stay with her too, but Eriol insisted that he come with them as their only other eyewitness.
Sakura gasped suddenly and sat up, throwing off her blankets. She choked off a small cry, burying her face in her hands. Yue was at her side immediately. He didn't know if he was doing the right thing or not, but he pulled her into his arms, rocking her and making soothing noises.
"Y-Yue-san?" she asked in a shaky whisper.
"Aa."
"She turned in his arms and buried her face in his chest, sobbing. He pulled her closer, up into his lap. "It will be all right," he said quietly, "I'm here. You don't have to be afraid. I'm here."
"Why?" she sobbed, "Why did he *do* that?"
"I don't know," he said, resting his cheek against the top of her head.
"It's-it's all my fault."
"No!" Yue pulled back, made her look at him. "Sakura- Sakura it's not your fault. You have no control over what a madman like Reynardine does." Hesitantly he ran a hand through her hair, brushing her bangs out of her eyes, curling down one of the long strands that fell down past her shoulders. "You can't blame yourself."
"But..." she gulped, "The way he left her there...the note..."
"Of course he wants you to feel that way. He wants to frighten you. Make you give in to him."
"He was angry. I said no. If-if I said yes, or if I hadn't-"
Yue shook his head fiercely. Angry all over again that the bastard made her feel that way. "It's not your fault. You couldn't have done anything differently."
"Last night she was alive. And she smiled at me, and called me 'Lady.' Now she's gone..." Sakura's eyes were wide and blank, focused on her memories. "Why did he have to do it? Why did she have to die so horribly!?"
"I don't know," he whispered.
"Clow-san said, that everything would be all right. This isn't all right." Her eyes filled again. Yue thought that she would pull away, turn back into herself and her pain. But instead she leaned forward and rested her head against his shoulder. "Please don't leave. I'm afraid."
Of course she didn't fear showing her feelings as he did. That was the difference. Again his chest felt so tight with a hundred emotions he couldn't even name. He folded his long arms around her and held her close as she cried herself out. He tried to exude comfort and strength, as if he could pass it to her through touch alone. "I won't leave. I will never leave you my mistress." /I love you./ "I-WE-we will keep you safe."
When her tears had finally quieted he took the tail end of his robe and wiped her eyes. She laughed weakly, more out of embarrassment and to diffuse the situation than anything. "I must look horrible."
He continued to dab at her cheeks, not quite looking at her. "You look fine," he said shyly. And when she didn't reply he said more firmly, "You should sleep, you must be tired after what you've been through."
Sakura nodded wearily and laid back against the pillow. Already her eyelids were beginning to flutter closed. But she reached up and grabbed his cloak. "Stay with me?" she asked drowsily and fell fast asleep.
Yue waited, watched the smooth rise and fall of her breathing. Then he carefully detached her hand, smoothing out the bedding and tucking her in more securely. He knew that he should have stopped there, but he couldn't let go of the memory of her hair against his fingers, how she felt in his arms only a few moments ago. He let his fingers trail through it's silkiness again, and across the warm softness of her skin.
/Stop. You'll wake her./
It was so hard to stop. Touch was so important. He spent so much of his time, his life locked away behind Yukito's eyes. Knowing what was happening, but never feeling it for himself. The sensation of touch became doubly, triply important.
Yue leaned over and kissed her lightly on her forehead. His lips brushed her skin in a chaste kiss. "I love you, my mistress."
Sakura sighed in her sleep and curled closer to his touch.
***
When she woke for the second time afternoon light was pouring through the large bay windows. For a moment she was almost panicked. /Where am I!?/ But then she thought she recognized the heavy oak paneling and design of the rooms as being like Eriol's house. But still...she was surprised that she hadn't noticed it before.
Sakura saw Yue folded in the box seat of the window, his head bowed in sleep, his silver hair in a curtain, shielding him from the glare of the sun. In a way it reminded her of how Kero-chan liked to find the warm sunny places to sleep. He looked very beautiful, Sakura reflected, like a work of art.
She took the comforter from the bed and padded over to him, wrapping it around him carefully so she wouldn't wake him. Even in the sun it was still a bit chilly.
"I wasn't scared to sleep." She told the sleeping man, "It must be because you were with me."
The sadness and the guilt were still there, no matter what Yue said, but they were muted and softened. They didn't threaten to drown her and consume her the way they had. And again she felt that it was due to Yue-san. It reminded her a little of the time he comforted her after Oniichan gave him his power. She'd felt guilty and useless, just like now. The things that she couldn't do and didn't know ate away at her. But he'd made her feel so much better.
Sakura fingered a strand of his long pale hair, "You always seem to know how to make me feel better."
She smoothed the blanket out once more before padding out into the hallway and down the stairs. Everyone was gathered in front of the fireplace looking very grim. But when they saw her they jumped to their feet.
"Sakura!"
"Are you okay?"
Sakura blushed a little and looked at the floor, "I'm fine," she said softly, "I'm sorry I make you worry about me that way. Thank you."
To her surprise her brother swept her up in a tight hug. "As long as you're all right," he whispered over and over, "As long as you're all right."
Her eyes welled with tears and she hugged him back hard. "I'm sorry, Oniichan."
Touya finally let her go and she stepped back to see Eriol and Syaoran, Kero-chan, Akizuki-san, and Spinel-san all smiling at her. It made her eyes well up all over again. But...there wasn't any more time for tears. /Yue-san is right/ she thought, /I'm the most powerful magician in the world now, I won't let him push me around. I won't let him get away with what he did./
"Here, Sakura-san, please sit down," Eriol said guiding her to the red leather chair.
"But, Eriol-kun...that's *your* chair!"
He insisted. Sakura realized that this was his way of apologizing for controlling her, for sheltering her. By letting her sit there he was trying to show her that she was in control now. So she sat. Spinel curled up in her lap, and Kero perched on her shoulder, his dandelion tail swishing against her collarbone.
"If we don't stop Reynardine, he'll keep doing this sort of thing, won't he?" Sakura asked solemnly, purposely dropping the honorific. One didn't honor criminals. "Even if he doesn't come after me...he'll hurt other people, won't he?"
"Yes, Sakura-san. He will."
She turned from her sage to her warrior, locking eyes with Syaoran. "Then we have to find a way to stop him."
Syaoran nodded, almost formally. "We will. It's what I've been training for."
"I need you to tell me everything I need to know. No more secrets." Sakura told all of them.
***
Yue woke to a feeling of overwhelming warmth. He blinked his eyes and found himself sitting against the glass of a sunwarmed window, wrapped in a thick blanket. Violet eyes flicked over to the bed only to find it empty. He touched the blanket again, /She must have done this./
The sun was beginning to die outside in a brilliant display of orange and red. That meant he'd spent the whole day in his true form. It was probably the longest he had stayed this way since...since before Clow died. Since before he even had this form. With a surge of apology to his other self he let himself transfer back.
Yukito reached up and adjusted his glasses. He could feel Yue's faint feeling of apology. "It's all right," he said softly. Finding himself in strange situations and times stopped bothering him years ago. He assumed that the others must be downstairs and started to trace his way back.
It was very strange. He knew he was in Clow Read's...in Eriol's house. And he knew his way through the hallways and rooms. He could feel the echo of memory from them. Things that happened, emotions Yue had. It amazed Yukito how different he and his other form could be, when in a way they weren't very different at all.
/We don't even love the same person./
Yukito wasn't paying close attention to where he was going, trusting these strange instincts to guide him, following the flow of memory. He stopped at an oak door near the end of the hallway. He touched the dark wood. And this was...Clow Read's room.
His other form felt uneasy. Yukito let his eyes go blank as he concentrated on feelings that weren't his. It was strange, and he couldn't quite explain, but it was almost as if he could feel someone standing at his shoulder, a husky voice whispering in his ear. //Leave well enough alone.//
And, Yukito being Yukito, he did just that. He didn't meddle. If there were things that Yue didn't want him to know, he wouldn't pry. Everyone was entitled to their own life, and their own secrets.
***
Yue felt a wash of bitter relief. He was fond of his other self the way one was fond of a child. The boy was sweet and kind, and innocent. And Yue wanted to preserve this innocence. Some things were to private, to painful to be shared with another. Especially with a person who was so different...so much who you wanted to be...instead of who you were.
/What would he think of me, of himself, if he knew?/
Even now as Yukito walked down the hallway to join the others, Yue's mind lingered. Even now he could still feel the echoes of what he felt for Clow. /I loved you. I loved you so much....But you left me so easily. How much did you ever care? Why was I so easy to cast aside?/
Hushed words whispered to him, feeling Clow's breath, warm against his skin. Fingers sliding through his hair, undoing the binding, letting it fall in a silver curtain around them. Yue's heart swelled just to be considered worthy of his touch.
His creator.
His master.
His love.
Yue spent hours in the library with a slim volume of poetry bound in green leather. Over and over he traced the words:
Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?
I have no precious time at all to spend,
Nor services to do, till you require;
Even now he remembered the smooth feel of the paper between his hands, and could remember the rest of the sonnet by heart. His love was perfect. It was that of a celebrant, worshiping at the feet of a God. What could have been more complete, more ideal than that? Now those memories held a bitter edge. What use is worship, when it falls upon deaf ears? What use when the God turns his back upon you? The taste of Clow turned to ash in his mouth.
As naïve as his other form was, Yukito taught him many things. There was a sweetness and a purity in Yukito's relationship with Touya...that he'd never known. There was nothing that hinted of worship. Nothing of the Master and the Servant. They looked after each other with a softness in their eyes that even Clow couldn't rival.
/Clow didn't love me. Not the way that I wanted him to. Which is why he could leave me the way he did./
It was painful, but it didn't have that knife's edge sharpness to it anymore. Not the way it hurt when he'd awakened. When Cerberus chose a new master. He remembered how furious he'd been, to think that *anyone* could take Clow's place in his heart.
But time heals all wounds. The cliché almost made him smile. It wasn't true. It wasn't time, it wasn't distance. If that were true, then his sleep should have cured him from all heartache. It wasn't time...it was the things that happened to you within it.
A soft voice. "I know I'm not smart...but I love the Cards, and Kero-chan. And I think I could love you....No! I already do!"
Small arms thrown tight around his neck. "No!! If I can't change two cards I'll never see Yue-san or Kero-chan again!!"
Soft green eyes, and a gentle smile. A girl that only grew more beautiful and wonderful every day that he knew her. He'd once told the Chinese boy to picture 'the one in his heart.' Yue didn't even have to try to know who the image would be of.
To be continued...
Author's Notes:
1. I LIIIIIVE!!! I know it's been *months* since the last chapter of this, and I'm really sorry. Spring semester was a real challenge to get through in one piece. Plus I had a long spell where I was really worried about whether I could pull this story off without making a horrible mess of it or not. But finally I'm writing again. And I'm as excited as anyone else to get to the rest.
2. The poem Yue quotes is Shakepeare's sonnet 57. I didn't quote the rest of it, because the rest of it doesn't fit with a Clow/Yue relationship. But I'm such a hack that I didn't want to find a new poem.
3. Finally, a little waff! And believe me, after this there will be more of it! I think it takes awhile to set up non Canon couples as believeable. And after this comes more set up for Sakura.
4. And just to give you an idea of where we are in the story, I think we're maybe a quarter of the way in. Reynardine is far, far from through, and I have plenty of curveballs up my sleeve. *evil chuckle* So thank you with putting up with me so far, and I hope you'll put up with me a bit longer! Thanks so much for reading!