I want to thank everyone for all the amazing reviews. They are truly overwhelming and appreciated. this give a bit of insight into Kate's mindset when she left Castle before Noah was born...

Kate tossed and turned in her bed for the next hour. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't get to sleep. So, she grabbed her robe and headed back downstairs. She noticed that the light in the kitchen was still on. She smiled when she saw that Rick was still awake. She cleared her throat and asked, "Couldn't sleep?"

Rick shook his head, "No..."

"Everything okay?"

"I'm not sure. I've just been thinking."

"About?"

"Us. Where we went wrong? What happened to us?"

"Oh..."

Rick sighed and then told her, "We need to have a serious talk about what happened to us four years ago Kate. If we don't...I don't think we will stand a chance in the future."

Kate knew that what he was saying was true. What she didn't know how to do was tell Rick all about her feelings the when he'd said his ex-wife's name. She motioned with her head towards the living room and Rick followed along behind her.

Rick sat down on the couch and Kate sat on one of the recliners. She needed to be completely honest with him. She owed him that much. Even if it drove him away from her forever. He deserved nothing but complete honesty. So, she looked down at her hands and whispered, "It all started the morning after we made love for the last time."

Rick nodded, "It was right after Christmas."

Kate smiled, "In early January."

Rick remembered the night fondly. It had been the best night of his life. He had realized that night that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He had been prepared to raise Samantha as his own daughter. He had even told Kate that. He had seen the fear in her eyes, but he had assured her that everything would be okay. That he would love Sam just like he loved Alexis. He'd seen the doubt in her eyes at his words and he'd simply kissed her. As if kissing her could wipe away all of her doubt and fear.

Their lovemaking that night had been slow and tender. Rick would later wonder if she had been planning to say goodbye the entire time. It was almost as if she was saying goodbye in their lovemaking.

When they woke the following morning, Kate had been so upset with him. She had hit him and called him all kinds of names. Then, she told him that she never wanted to see him again. Never wanted to talk to him again. He'd asked her what he'd done wrong and she'd told him that he had called out the name of his ex-wife. He hadn't remembered doing it, but she was so mad at him that he supposed that it had to be true.

He had done as she wished. He hadn't tried to contact her. He had simply let her go. He loved her that much.

He finally whispered, "I loved you so much Kate. I wanted to raise Sam as my own."

"I know you did."

"But it scared you. Scared you so much and I don't even know why Kate. Why did me loving you both scare you so much?"

Kate sighed softly and wiped at the tears in her eyes. She had been terrified when Rick had told her that he loved her and wanted to make a life with her. The only other man that she had loved had left her shortly after they married. Granted it hadn't been his fault, but she had been so hurt emotionally that she had been afraid to give her heart to anyone else. She finally smiled at him sadly and whispered, "Because of Will."

"Samantha's father? What does he have to do with this?"

Kate looked up at the ceiling and then she cleared her throat and whispered, "I was so in love with him Rick. He was supposed to be my one and done. My forever after."

Rick nodded and whispered, "I know that he was killed shortly after Samantha was born."

"What you don't know was that it was my fault."

"How could it have been your fault? I thought he was killed during an undercover operation."

Kate sighed and then whispered, "He was, but only because he wasn't focused on the operation. I had called him that night and..."

"And?"

Taking a deep breath, Kate tried to explain how her guilty conscious had ruled her life for the last eight plus years, "He always told me to never, ever call him when he was out in the field. He said that it took his focus off of the job. I'd forgotten that he wasn't in the office. I called him to ask him about the menu for our Christmas dinner. He was killed that night. His partner said that he wasn't focused. That his attention was on other things. His partner blamed me for it."

Rick shook his head, "It wasn't your fault Kate. No one could have known what would happen to him."

"I know that now Rick, but.."

Rick shook his head and asked, "What does that have to do with me?"

"I loved you more than I've ever loved anyone. Before or since. I think I even loved you more than I loved Will. It scared the hell out of me Rick."

"So you were looking for an excuse to run. Is that what you're saying Kate?"

Kate shook her head, "Not exactly. I wasn't planning on running. At least not until I heard the rumors."

"What rumors?"

Taking a deep breath, Kate told him, "I heard that you were getting back together with Meredith. That you had been seeing her secretly for months. Months that we were keeping our relationship a secret. I wondered if you wanted to keep us a secret because you really wanted her back and you didn't want to ruin your chances at getting back together with the mother of your daughter and..."

"Stop right there Kate..."

Kate realized that she was crying even harder then. Rick forced her to look at him and then he told her, "Meredith leaked that little tidbit to the press. Her latest movie was coming out that year and she needed publicity. And what better publicity than getting back together with her ex-husband and the father of her daughter. I hadn't even seen her for three years. Then I get asked for a comment from a damn reporter. It blindsided me when I was asked that."

"So, so it wasn't true? It was all a lie cooked up by Meredith and...I believed...Oh God..."

Kate ran out of the living room and hurried up the stairs. She had been so foolish. She believed the rumors about him and Meredith. It was apparent that it was all a lie cooked up by his ex-wife. A lie that she had believed. A lie that she hadn't bothered to ask him about. She looked at herself in the mirror of her parents bedroom and she didn't like what she saw. She hated the person that she'd become. What kind of heartless monster would keep a son away from his father? Even if she had been scared of opening her heart again, she should have trusted Rick more.

She looked up again and pounded her fist on the dresser and then, before she knew what she was doing, she punched her reflection in the glass. Shattering the glass and cutting her knuckles in the process. She didn't even feel the pain as she watched the blood drip from her skin. All she could think about was how unfair she had been to Rick and to Noah. She didn't deserve the love of either of them. She wondered if Noah would be better off with his father. Wondered if he would be better off being raised by someone better than herself.

She heard Rick come running into the room and then heard him say, "What the hell Kate?"

He started to come near her, but she shook her head and moved away from him. Then she told him sadly, "Don't feel bad for me Rick. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything from you. If you knew what was good for you, you would run far away from me and take Noah with you."

Shaking his head, "You're a good mother Kate. Samantha and Noah are happy children and.."

"And I don't deserve it. Any of it. What I've done to you is so unfair and all because I didn't trust you enough to ask you about the rumors."

Kate sat down on the bed and looked away from him. She didn't want to see the shame and pity in his eyes. She stared down at the floor and watched as the blood dripped from her hands onto the hardwood flooring. She didn't even care that it might leave a permanent stain there. She didn't care about a damn thing at the moment.

Rick whispered, "Kate you're bleeding. Let me take care of your wounds and.."

Shaking her head, "No! Stop being so damn nice to me Richard Castle! I don't deserve it and I don't want it. Look, this trip was obviously a mistake! You are welcome to stay here. Get to know your son and then at the end of the trip I want you to take him. Take him to live with you and Alexis. Hell! You can even take Samantha. She's better off without me. They both are and..."

Rick knew that she didn't mean what she was saying. He knew that she loved her children and that she would do anything for them. However, no matter how hard he tried, she wouldn't stop talking. So, Rick did the only thing he could think of to stop her rambling. He kissed her. Hard.

She pushed him away and then slapped him. She shook her head and whispered, "No! Get away from me! I don't want you and I don't love you. I'm no good for you or for anyone else."

"Bullshit Kate! You're the most extraordinary woman I've ever known."

Kate laughed harshly and told him, "No. I'm nothing special. I'm just a woman that's screwed up everyone's lives because of my own selfishness. I was afraid of loving anyone again Rick. So, the first chance I got, I ran. Without giving you a chance to explain it. I didn't trust you, didn't trust our love. Because I was in love with you Rick. So, so in love. So much so that it scared me. I..."

Rick gathered her in his arms and hugged her so very tightly. Then he kissed her forehead and whispered, "I know Kate. Lets learn how to love again. Then..."

Kate shook her head, "I don't want you to love me Rick. I'm no good for you or anyone else. I..."

"Stop it Katherine Beckett! Did you make a mistake? Yes. Did you hurt me? Yes. Can I ever forgive you?" Kate looked up at him and waited for his answer. He knelt down in front of her and forced her to look at him. Then, he whispered, "I am already starting to forgive you."

"How can you forgive me Rick? What I did..."

"I can't answer that Kate. Knowing the story helps take the sting out of what you did..."

"I hear a but in there."

Rick smiled softly at her, "But I love you."

"How can you still love me. I didn't trust in our love and..."

Rick took her hand and whispered, "I don't want to think about the past Kate. We can't change it. All we can do is learn from it and grow from it. I want another chance to win your love."

"I don't deserve your love Rick..."

Rick shook his head and told her, "Let me be the judge of that Kate. Let me show you that love doesn't have to be a scary thing."

"I don't want you to die Rick. I..."

That was when he knew that was what Kate had been afraid of. That by loving her he was putting himself in danger. That by allowing him into her heart, she could somehow cause his death. It was totally unfounded, but he realized that she definitely feared it. It was also then that he realized that she blamed herself for her husbands death. A death that she couldn't have possibly caused or been responsible for.

Rick shook his head and told her softly, "You can't hold yourself responsible for what happened to your husband. It was the responsibility of the criminal that killed him. Not you. I.."

Kate started shaking her head once again. She was still so afraid of loving him. Afraid that the ghosts of her past would come back to haunt her. Taking him away from, not only her, but from his daughter and son. She couldn't do that to Alexis or Noah. Then Rick told her, "The last time I checked you weren't God or the devil. You can't kill someone."

Kate laughed softly, "I do have a gun and..."

Rick smiled at her laughter, "Yes, but you wouldn't kill me on purpose. Would you?"

Kate laughed, "Not unless you really make me mad and.."

"The point is Kate I could have been killed any number of ways over the past four years and it would have had nothing to do with you. Any time we take a step outside we can be killed. By man or by nature. If we don't take a chance on love then we miss out on something wonderful."

"And I'm wonderful?"

Rick nodded, "The best chance of a lifetime. I've missed you Kate. I've missed holding you at night. Missed the sounds you make when we made love and..."

Kate moaned softly and looked in his eyes and whispered, "I've missed you..." She swallowed hard and asked him softly, "We have so much time to make up for. How do we do it?"

Smiling down at her, "We start one day at a time. There is one thing we need to do though."

"What's that?"

"We need to clean up this blood and bandage your hands. It's going to hurt in the morning and..."

Nodding, Kate made her way into the bathroom and sat on the toilet. She looked down at her hands and wondered if things could be as simple as Rick thought. She wanted to tell him that it wasn't possible, but somehow she couldn't. She couldn't tell this wonderful man no again. When all she wanted to do was hold him all night long and make her heartache go away for good. She knew that it was a long shot, but she sensed that Rick was on the way to forgiving her. She hadn't thought that it was possible, but maybe his heart was bigger than she ever thought possible. She had always known that his heart was huge, but he was proving just how big of a heart he had. A heart that could forgive her for all the wrong she had done in the past. She just hoped that she was worthy of him trusting his heart to her. She would do anything she could to prove to him that she deserved the trust he was giving her now. She only hoped that she was up to the challenge...