This is an experiment. If you love it, thanks. If you hate it, it's all Dragonrider7's fault.

I don't own a single character in the DC Universe. Heck, I don't even own any characters in this universe!

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Chapter 14

"Back so soon?" The Joker grinned. "I don't often get repeat visitors, Ambush Bug."

Irwin scowled. "I don't know what you're talking about. Ambush Bug isn't here. But I am. And I want to know what you've done with the Justice League!"

The Lexcorp guard just whimpered a little.

The Joker looked up from his sketchpad. "My, what big antenna you have, Batman. The better to feelers with?"

Ambush Bug quickly tucked his antenna back under the cowl. "It's a new experimental headset. I can pick up police scanners with these."

The Joker laughed. "Of course. Complete with a weak chin clad in green. Certainly the Dark Knight meets the Green Hornet, and loses a hundred pound in the process."

Irwin shrugged. "Slimfast has been good to me. So how about it? Where have you hidden the Justice League?"

The Joker spread his arms to encompass the entire cell. "Behind the padding on the walls? I'm afraid I'm a little short on Superheroes at the moment." He pointed at the guard cowering behind him. "I've got a slightly twitchy goon I'll let you have."

"Naah. Already had a set of those. No heroes, huh?"

Joker winked. "Only you, Batbug."

Irwin pulled his spiral notebook out of the bag. Opening it up to a list of villains, he crossed off the Joker's name. "Well, sorry to bother you. If you see any of the Justice League members, let them know I'm looking for them."

Joker nodded. "I'll do that."

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The Penguin stood in his foyer, examining his vast array of umbrellas. The occasion was a simple one – a walk through the park with Dovina Partridge, the woman who had been writing to him while he was in prison. He'd been able to visit with her briefly during a parole gone wrong. The Batman had arrested him, thinking he was back to his old ways. Unfortunately, his only real crime was employing ex-cons that couldn't get work anywhere else due to the draconian parole laws in Gotham . He'd fought Batman long enough to give his workers time to escape, but the parole board had thrown him back in prison despite a surprise attempt by Batman to come to his defense. But now he was once again paroled, and planning to make good on his promise to become an honest man. His legitimate wealth was enough to sustain him, and his love for Dovina overrode the urge to match wits with the caped crusader.

A popping sound behind him made Oswald turn. Batman stood there, scowling at him. Turning back to his umbrellas, he spoke through teeth clamped firmly on his cigarette filter. "And what do you want? Haven't you done enough damage to a man trying to do atone for past indiscretions?"

Then he blinked and looked again. Batman was almost a foot shorter, a great deal skinnier, and wearing a green mask underneath his cowl. He put his hands on his hips and glared at the new arrival. "Do I know you?"

"I'm Batman, Penguin. Surely you recognize the costume by now!" The voice was also an octave higher than usual.

Oswald nodded. "Of course you are. So are you here for a reason, or do you just like annoying me as much as the real Batman? I have a personal matter to attend to, so state your business and be quick about it!"

The shrunken Batman stepped forward and poked a finger in Oswald's chest. "The Justice League is missing. What have you done with them?"

Oswald felt his heart skip a beat. The Justice League missing? The opportunities that – he closed his eyes and slowly counted to ten as he willed the adrenaline surge to dissipate. He wasn't interested in crime sprees anymore, no matter what his body might be telling him. "I haven't done anything with them, nor do I have any desire to. I'm a model citizen now, and I'm not in need of their services. Or yours. If you'll excuse me." He turned back to the wall of umbrellas, looking for one that was formal yet festive. Preferably without any high explosives or poisonous gas. He doubted Dovina would approve.

Irwin stepped past him and stared at the racks of umbrellas. "Wow! That is a honking lot of umbrellas. This is Gotham, not Seattle . What gives with all the rain deflectors?" He grabbed one at random and peered at it.

Oswald shouldered past him and snatched the umbrella from hands before he accidentally set it off. "I am something of a collector, and these are all very unique umbrellas. Please keep your hands off!" He started to put the umbrella back on the rack, then examined it and decided that it would be suitable for the day's agenda.

Irwin looked around. "I'm going to have a look around, Ozzie." The pop as he disappeared was the final piece in the puzzle for the Penguin. Oswald ground his teeth, nearly biting through his cigarette filter. The audacity of this fool. By now he'd realized that the person in Batman's costume could be none other than Ambush Bug, and he knew that the best chance he had of salvaging his afternoon was to wait for the bug to get bored and teleport away.

Irwin reappeared, frowning. "The place is clean, and by that I mean you are either retaining a world-class maid or you are neurotic about dusting."

Oswald shrugged. "Both, actually. My maid complains that I don't leave her enough to justify her paycheck. I am a man of class, unlike someone in this room."

Irwin scowled. "Hey! I'm clean! I threw out my pizza boxes just last month! The ones since then don't count, because they're still storing pizza for me."

Oswald shuddered at the thought. "Are you quite finished?"

Irwin nodded. "Yeah. Looks like you don't have any JL'ers socked away. But I'll be watching you, Puffin-boy!"

Looking up at the bug, Oswald sighed. "Honestly, have you nothing better to do with your time? You seek the Justice League. I have neither the League nor advice on how to find them. Since I'm guessing that the real Batman is one of the missing members, perhaps you should light up Commissioner Gordon's fancy little flashlight and see if he turns up." He stepped past the imposter and picked up the mail sitting on the mat by his front door.

Irwin snatched the mail from the startled Penguin. "Aha! I bet you've got a ransom note in here! What're you asking for the League? 50 big ones? A hundred?" He scrutinized the mail, and a smile began to cross his lips. "These are addressed to 'Oswald Cobblepot' – is that you?"

Oswald grabbed the envelopes from Ambush Bug. "That is my given name. Why?"

Irwin snickered. "Cobblepot? Oswald Cobblepot? No wonder you're a criminal. You had to run home from school every day, didn't you? Cobblepot – bwah-hahahaha!"

Oswald fumed, forcing himself to pull his finger away from the trigger of the umbrella he was holding. "The Cobblepots are a long and distinguished family in Gotham. I'll have you know we came over on the Mayflower."

Irwin laughed. "Why? Were the Brits teasing your ancestors too much? Cobblepot, heh, heh. Oswald Cobblepot. That's rich."

He popped away, oblivious the barrage of steel darts that sprayed into the wall behind where he had been standing. Oswald shook with fury as he put the umbrella back and selected another one. He wasn't sure which had made him angrier – Ambush Bug's irreverence, the damage to his foyer, or the fact that with a few idiotic comments Ambush Bug had reverted him back to the mindset of a criminal.

He was most certainly going to be in a foul mood when he met Dovina at the park.

To be continued . . .

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