Chapter 13: Lobster Claws
[Episode begins on Diaz Household exterior. Fighting is heard in the background.]
Star Butterfly: (o.s.) Hiyaah!
Marco Diaz: (o.s.) Hiyaah!
[Bearicorn goes flying off-screen. Cut to the backyard. Marco fights Ludo's giraffe minion.]
Giraffe monster: [growls]
Marco: Hiyaah!
[Marco kicks the giraffe monster in the throat.]
Giraffe monster: [choked] My weak spot!
[The two headed monster repeatedly throws punches at Comet which he defended each one with one arm]
Comet: [sighs] Another day, another battle...
[Deer Beard sneaks up behind Star and grabs her.]
Star: [screaming]
Marco: Star?
[Bearicorn and the frill-neck monster dogpile on Marco.]
Comet: No! [Buff Frog grabs Comet] Let me go!
Ludo: Yes, yes! Now somebody grab the wand! Lobster Claws, you!
Lobster Claws: Oh, yeah, I got this! Go, red boy! Go, red boy! Go, red boy!
Ludo: Stop flexing your thorax and get it already!
Lobster Claws: This is happening now!
[Lobster Claws approaches Star…]
Marco: [yelling]
Star: [yelling]
Comet: NOOO!
[...and grabs what he believes to be Star's wand.]
Lobster Claws: Booyah! I got it! I got it! [laughing]
Ludo: What the?
Buff Frog, Bearicorn, and Three-eyed Potato Baby: [gasps]
Lobster Claws: You got clawed! [holding Beard Deer's left antler] Eww.
Beard Deer: Huh?
[Beard Deer notices his snipped antler and screams in pain, releasing Star. Star jumps into the air.]
Star: Poison Crystal Cupcake Kiss!
[Star fires upon the monsters with cupcakes.]
Ludo's army: [groaning]
Bearicorn: I love cupcakes! Ahh!
[Bearicorn opens his mouth to catch a cupcake. A cupcake hits him in the eye.]
Bearicorn: [screaming, crying]
[Star blasts Ludo with cupcakes, knocking him off his flying bat.]
Ludo: Oof! [sighing]
Star: That was fun! But we gotta go to school. Ooh, you're on my backpack.
Ludo: Here.
[Ludo hands Star her backpack, and Star and Marco leave.]
Ludo: All right, morons. [opens dimensional portal] Walk of shame. You know the drill.
[Ludo's monsters groan in pain as they enter the portal.]
Ludo: Oh, quit crying and rub some dirt on it! [Lobster Claws approaches the portal, but Ludo stops him.] Whoa-whoa-whoa, whoa, whoa. Where do you think you're going, hm?
Lobster Claws: Uh, back home to celebrate how close we came with my bros.
Ludo: After that performance?! You, sir, are a steaming pile of monster garbage! And... you're fired!
[Ludo enters the portal. Before the portal closes, Lobster Claws holds it open.]
Lobster Claws: [laughing] Good one. You really had me going, boss.
Ludo: Ugh, you're even bad at getting fired!
Two-headed monster: I can't believe I was friends with him.
Buff Frog: (o.s.) What a loser.
[Beard Deer takes his antler back from Lobster Claws, and the portal closes.]
Lobster Claws: [gasps, crying]
[Camera slowly zooms out from Lobster Claws on his knees. Cut to house interior hours later. Star, Comet, and Marco enter.]
Star: Earth history is so cool. Ben Franklin blowing up that kite monster with his electric lightning powers? Like, whoa.
Marco: Heh, yeah. That's not what happened.
Star: Hey, look.
[Camera shows Lobster Claws standing still in the backyard.]
Comet: He's still here?
[Star, Comet, and Marco run up to Lobster Claws. Star knocks him down and points her wand at him. Marco wields a frying pan.]
Star: You want seconds on those cupcakes?! [Pause.] Um, this is the part where you fight back.
Lobster Claws: [sobbing] Go ahead! Blast me! Do it!
Comet: Huh?
Marco; Um. Are you okay?
Lobster Claws: Well, uh, the thing is... [sobbing] Master Ludo fired me! I can never show my face on Mewni again!
Marco: Oh, man. He's taking this really hard.
Star: This is probably just a monster trick.
Comet: I don't know, sis. He doesn't look like he's tricking us. I've never seen a monster cry that hard.
Marco: Yeah. We should do something.
Star: Like what?
Marco: I don't know. But we can't just leave him like this.
Star: Marco, why do you even care? He's a monster!
[Lobster Claws shakes a tree, and several squirrels scurry out.]
Squirrels: [chittering]
Lobster Claws: [screaming]
Comet: We'll yeah. But... look at him! He's been thrown out of his world by Ludo. No monster should be treated like this.
Star: Don't you go taking Marco's side, Comet! We've been over this! Monsters are the bad guys!
Lobster Claws: [holding a squirrel] I don't have to be bad. In fact, I've always secretly wanted to be good.
Comet: Really? I've never seen a good monster back on Mewni.
Marco: Well, he can be the first good monster. We can teach him how.
Star: What? That's crazy! Monsters... are... evil! It's just their nature.
Comet: Star, please. I know you think monsters are scary, evil, destructive, mindless...
Lobster Claws: I'm standing right here!
Comet: Sorry. But when I see that big crustation well... I saw an innocent creature. One who has been abused his whole life. And I for one don't think anyone shoud be treated like that at all. Not even monsters. So, let's at least try to make this monster as good as us. [Marco nods] It can't be that hard.
[Lobster Claws sets the squirrel down on the ground.]
Squirrel: [friendly chittering]
Marco: See?
Lobster Claws: Yeah!
[The squirrel's tail hangs out of Lobster Claws' mouth. Lobster Claws swallows the mouth.]
Lobster Claws: See?
[Cut to moments later. The squirrel runs away in bandages and a neck cone.]
Marco: Okay, Lobster Claws. The key to being good is "do unto others as you'd have them do to you."
[A guy on a bicycle rides by. Lobster Claws punches him. He falls over off-screen.]
Lobster Claws: Like that?
Marco: Actually, that's 100% wrong and you want to do the opposite. Now say you're sorry.
Bicycle guy: That's all right! I landed on a sprinkler!
Lobster Claws: This is too hard. I'm never gonna get this.
Star: Yeah. You should just give up.
Comet: Star! Heh, don't listen to her, Lobster. You can't be expected to get it right the first time.
Marco: Exactly. Now, the next time you get the urge to punch somebody, just imagine how it would feel if it happened to you.
Lobster Claws: I got the urge! ...Wow, that totally would've hurt.
Little girl: [sobbing]
Marco: Aww, what's wrong?
Little girl: My kitty's stuck in the twee.
Mr. Mittens: [meow]
Marco: Lobster Claws, this is your chance.
[Lobster Claws climbs up into the tree.]
Little girl: [gasps] Careful with my Mr. Mittens!
[Lobster Claws climbs out of the tree with Mr. Mittens.]
Lobster Claws: Ta-da!
Little girl: Thank you so much, Mr. Lobster Man!
Marco: I knew there was some good in him.
Mr. Mittens: [o.s., screeching]
Comet: Uh, look again.
[Mr. Mittens' tail hangs out of Lobster Claws' mouth.]
Twins and Marco: [yelps]
[Star and Marco retrieve Mr. Mittens from Lobster Claws' mouth.]
Mr. Mittens: [meow]
Star: Now do you see what we're dealing with?!
Marco: Mr. Mittens is fine. No harm, no fou— [screams]
[The little girl's legs hang out of Lobster Claws' mouth.]
Little girl: [muffled screaming]
Star and Marco: [yells]
Comet: Something tells me this problem is gonna need more fixing than we thought.
[Cut to moments later.]
Marco: Okay, that was my fault. I assumed you knew this, but... you can't eat children.
Lobster Claws: Really? Not even annoying ones?
Marco: Never!
Comet: [Clears throat] Perhaps I have something that might take your mind off your... eating habit. [Reaches into his hyperspace fanny pack and pulls out a box of cookies] Here. [Lobster Claws looks at the box]
Lobster Claws: What are these?
Comet: On Earth, they call it "cookies". [Lobster Claws takes one cookie and he eats it] So, what do you think?
Lobster Claws: Mmm! I like it! [Eats more cookies from the box]
Comet: See, Star. He likes eating the cookies.
Star: Not as much as he loves eating your hand. [Zoom out to reveal that Lobster Claws is now eating Comet's hand]
Comet: AAAH! [Tries to pull his hand free] NO! Ow! Bad lobster! [Lobster Claws slurps Comet into his mouth]
Marco: Lobster Claws. Spit him out. [Lobster Claws spits Comet out] You okay?
Comet: [dazed] That right kids, Comet Butterfly now comes in a new chocolate chip flavor...
Woman: (o.s.) Help! Help!
[A woman's house is on fire.]
Woman: Help me! My baby is still inside!
Star and Marco: Your baby?!
Comet: Now's your chance, Lobster. Go in there and save that baby!
Lobster Claws: You're right! Don't worry. Red boy's got this.
Marco: Wait!
Lobster Claws: And I'm totally not gonna eat it!
[Lobster Claws enters the burning house.]
Star: Cotton Candy Fire Extinguish!
[Star puts out the fire with mounds of pink cotton candy.]
Woman: My baby! Oh, my baby, my sweet baby... [runs up to a piano] ...grand piano! Were you scared? Tell me what you're feeling.
[The woman plays a single note on the piano, and it automatically plays "Camptown Races."]
Woman: [singing] Camptown ladies sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah
Comet: Your baby's a piano? I swear you humans get weirder and weirder.
Marco: I was wondering where that piano music was coming from.
Star: Um, where's Lobster Claws?
[There's a hole in the house's back wall shaped like Lobster Claws. Star, Comet, and Marco go behind the house and find Lobster Claws eating the contents of an ice cream cart.]
Lobster Claws: [gurgling]
Marco: Well, he's not eating humans. That's a step forward.
[Cut to a town crosswalk. It turns from red to green. An old lady slowly crosses the street.]
Marco: Okay, here's an easy one. Help the old lady cross the street.
[Lobster Claws scurries up to the old lady.]
Lobster Claws: I'll help you, miss.
Marco: I'd say he's starting to get this.
Star: Well, I'm not taking my eyes off him for one sec—
Twins and Marco: [screaming]
[Cut back to Lobster Claws, who has somehow set the city on fire. The old lady runs away as Lobster Claws holds up a car.]
Comet: HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN!?
[The bicycle guy from before rides past wearing a flaming helmet.]
Bicycle guy: [screaming] Where's a sprinkler?!
Lobster Claws: [screaming]
[Cut to Diaz Household some time later. Marco, Star, and Lobster Claws watch the news.]
Newscaster: (v.o.) Tragedy today as a rampaging lobster man destroyed four city blocks.
[The TV screen shows Lobster Claws' monstrous image with the on-screen caption "CITY IN A PINCH!"]
Newscaster: (v.o.) Miraculously, no one was injured, but one cyclist mourns the loss of his new bike.
Bicycle guy: Oh, it was our first outing together. Now I have nothing.
[Marco turns the TV off.]
Marco: [laughing weakly] Yeah, you know how the news sensationalizes things. I still believe you can be good. But until then, I'm gonna find some rubber bands for your claws.
Star: [inhales to speak]
Marco: Save it. [walks off-screen]
Lobster Claws: Why is being good so hard?
Star: The problem is Marco's trying to make you something you're not. You're a vile, repulsive monster. Why fight it?
Comet: Star, don't say that... You can be good, just your own kind of good. Because Marco's version of good is... bad.
Lobster Claws: No. She's right. I am repulsive. I shouldn't be helping humans. I should be hurting them. You tow in particular.
Star: And I wish I could just get back to smashing your face!
Comet: And I just wanted you to be treated with some respect.
Star: Hmm... [Gets an idea] Maybe there's a way we can all get what we want.
Comet: What are you planning, Star?
Star: You'll see!
[Cut to the backyard. The bandaged squirrel from before picks up an acorn. Star sleeps on a hammock.]
Star: [snoring]
[A dimensional portal opens, and Ludo appears.]
Ludo: Shhh.
[Ludo and his army tiptoe out of the portal. Beard Deer's left antler is bandaged to his head. Just before Ludo takes the wand, Star wakes up.]
Star: Ludo!
Ludo's army: Huh?
Star: I was just dreaming about kicking your butt!
[Inside, Marco comes down the stairs with two stuffed teddy bears.]
Marco: I couldn't find any giant rubber bands, but... teddy bear mittens! Guys?
[Three-eyed Potato Baby crashes in.]
Marco: [runs outside, yelps]
[Marco ducks under a laser beam.]
Marco: Star!
[Star knocks the warthog monster back. She jumps into the air, and the two-headed monster bounces backward on her hammock. Star lands next to Marco and blasts the two-headed monster.]
Marco: They're back?!
Star: [whispering] Yeah. I lured them here to get Lobster Claws his old job back. I'm gonna let him beat me up. Play along.
[Star blasts the giraffe monster.]
Marco: What?! That's crazy!
Star: All right, Ludo, I got more than cupcakes this time!
[Pause]
Star: Uh, I said, "I got more than cupcakes this time."
[Lobster Claws appears from behind a fence, holding Comet]
Lobster Claws: Go, red boy!
Comet: [Acting] Ah! Help! Lobster Claws has captured me!
Star: [Also Acting] Let go of my brother you brute!
[Lobster Claws throws a punch that misses Star. Star staggers back.]
Star: Ahh!
Lobster Claws: Booyakasha! Don't worry, boss. I got this. Raahhhh!
Ludo: "Boss"? [stammers] Didn't I fire you?
[Lobster Claws and Star pretend to fight.]
Warthog monster: You know, he has gotten way better.
Buff Frog: Very impressed.
Three-eyed Potato Baby: [babbling]
Ludo: Yes, yes, I do see marked improvement. But I'd really be impressed if you would just GRAB THE WAND!
Star: [falls over, dramatic] He's defeated me! Ahhhh!
[Lobster Claws takes the wand.]
Star: Hey!
Ludo: Yeeesss!
Star: [yelps]
Marco: [yelps]
Comet: [yelps]
[The wand cracks and turns from a purple form with white wings to a black-eye form with purple thorns. Lobster Claws' eyes turn black and purple.]
Lobster Claws: [voice getting gravelly] What's... happening... to me?!
[Rocks and the bandaged squirrel levitate off the ground.]
Lobster Claws: [growling]
[Beard Deer's left antler detaches and floats away.]
Beard Deer: Oh, not again!
Lobster Claws: Being bad... feels so gooooood...!
Star: How could you do this?! We were trying to help you!
Lobster Claws: [growling] ...Huh?
[Lobster Claws' eyes return to normal. The wand changes to a crab-like form.]
Star: Whoa!
Ludo: Don't listen to her. She's the enemy!
[Lobster Claws and the wand turn dark again.]
Comet: No, please, Lobster! I know you're better than this! There's good in you, I know it!
Star: Don't do it!
[Lobster Claws and the wand turn normal again.]
Ludo: Act like a monster and give it to me!
[Lobster Claws and the wand turn dark again.]
Comet: Be the better monster!
Star: Lobster Claws! Please!
[Lobster Claws and the wand shift continuously between dark and normal.]
Marco: Hiiii...yah!
[Marco runs up and kicks the wand out of Lobster Claws' pincer, causing him to fall down and let go of Comet. The bandaged squirrel and rocks fall to the ground. Star catches the wand, and it returns to its purple white-winged form.]
Ludo: Ugh! I always forget about that karate boy!
Star: Stardust Daisy Devastation!
[Star blasts Ludo and the monsters with a blast of magic pollen.]
Ludo: [coughing] Retreat!
[Ludo's monsters retreat into a dimensional portal. Lobster Claws approaches the portal, but Ludo stops him.]
Ludo: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. You! You had the wand in the palm of your claws! ...What did it feel like?
Lobster Claws: It kind of tingled.
Ludo: I knew it! I'm so jealous! Can I touch your claws?! [rubs Lobster Claws' pincer] Niiiiice! After you!
[Lobster Claws enters the portal, and Ludo follows.]
Marco: Don't do it, Lobster Claws! What about wanting to be good?
[Lobster Claws' pincer emerges from the portal to punch Marco.]
Ludo: (o.s.) That's my monster!
Comet: Well, so much for making the first good monster.
Star: Like I said, bro. You can't change a monster. They'll always be evil.
Comet: Come on, Star. Monsters have rights to live as peacefully as us. You'll realize that someday.
Star: Ha! Yeah right! I'll believe that when I see it! But you are right about one thing. There was some good in him.
Marco: [lying on the ground] Not much.