CH. 14 Dissociation

I open the door to my apartment with trepidation. Dr. Flynn shakes my hand and introduces himself again. Then yields and turns to Christian. He's standing behind him looking more than anxious and distressed. Flynn speaks first.

"Thanks for seeing us on such short notice." The ominous tone in his voice alerts me to the fact that some serious issues are at hand.

Christian stares at me and swallows hard. "Oh baby. We need to talk. I'm so sorry you had to see that crap. It's not at all what you think."

I shake my head in confusion. The electricity zapping between us is palpable. I'd like nothing more than to take my guy in my arms and soothe his wretched psyche at the moment. He looks as though he's about to collapse from misery.

He starts toward me then and holds out his hand. I step back a bit to avoid contact. I'm not sure I want to be swept up in his embrace after what I've seen on the video. He may be diseased. I feel as though my feelings have been run over by a tank.

"Ana. I'd never hurt you, trust me. Can we sit down for a discussion?"

He respects my need for distance but looks at me with utter longing. I'm not sure I have the emotional strength to speak. So I nod my approval and then gesture with my head toward the sectional.

Flynn and my guy are soon seated next to one another. I'm on the right side of the L-shaped couch. My stomach has fallen to the bottom of my gut and I'm starting to shiver from shock.

"Ms. Steele. Would you please do me the favor of sharing the video and pictures that Dr. Hyde sent you, with the two of us?"

I couldn't bear to watch the footage again. Not with its star attraction sitting less than five feet away from my body. So I take my phone, scroll to the appropriate link and hand it to John. He watches it while also angling it toward Christian's perspective.

I notice a grimace and look of utter disgust fill my boyfriend's face as he watches himself in action. Then he's covering his eyes and holding another hand across his mouth. When they've looked over the evidence, Flynn returns my phone and clears his throat.

My boyfriend reaches out and strokes my cheek with his fingers. Christian speaks again. "I'm sorry you had to see that baby." His eyes are probing mine with desperation.

"Me too," is what I finally manage to chirp out. My voice is on the verge of tears as I stare into Christian's eyes. "That's not the man I know."

"You're right about that. I'm the man who's fallen hopelessly in love with you. I'd never do that to you."

I stare into his eyes with shock written all over my face. We look at one another for a full minute.

Dr. Flynn breaks the tension then. "You're absolutely correct about that, Anastasia. The man on that video is far different from the man you met on the elevator a few weeks ago. He even calls himself by a different name."

"So Christian has a twin?"

"Not really. Have you ever heard of a psychological condition called Dissociative Identity Disorder?"

I pause and breathe with difficulty. "You mean Multiple Personalities? Yeah, I took a class on Abnormal Psychology about two years ago. We covered it then. Like Sybil or the Three Faces of Eve?"

"Exactly, Ana. There are two distinct personalities in one body here. The one that most of us see is Christian. He's competent, confident and sure of himself. The second personality emerges only during certain extreme emotional states. He's very sexually oriented though."

My hands are gripping the edge of the sofa pillow as a means of keeping myself from passing out.

"Like when?"

"The second personality emerges only when Christian feels completely abandoned, threatened or demeaned. That's when his alter or sub comes out to play."

Christian nods his head and looks at me the entire time. He seems like a complete wreck. I'm about to turn into a puddle of quivering nerves myself. So I use my breathing technique to calm down a bit. I can't even manage to stare into my boyfriend's face. Why did I have to fall in love with someone with a complicated personality?

"It might be too much for Ana to take all this in right now. Maybe the two of us should speak alone." Flynn suggests this to my man while looking us both over carefully.

"Do you want me to leave while you talk with Dr. Flynn, baby?"

I nod my head in the affirmative. Christian stands reluctantly and heads out the door of my apartment.

"I'll wait outside. Let me know when you're done, John."

We both give him time to clear out of my space. I hear his footsteps on the stairwell. Then I finally discover that I have a voice again.

"That's better. Thanks Dr. Flynn. How did this split personality develop?"

"In most cases, and this is true of Christian as well, the second personality develops in early childhood. When something like physical, sexual or emotional abuse occurs at that age. The first personality can't handle it emotionally. That's when another person and emotion takes over."

"What happened to him when he was young?"

"He was physically abused by his mother's pimp. She eventually died of her crack habit and left Christian alone at the age of four. The social workers found him starving and hanging onto the body of his deceased mother. That's also the age when he was adopted by the Grey family in Seattle."

"Did he have therapy for his problems as a child?"

"No one really knew that he had DID then. He had a lot of bereavement counseling. But his difficult childhood left him deeply scarred. Then Elena Lincoln found out about his other side. Apparently, his second personality was responsible for hooking up with her. It still has a strong attachment to her and the sort of BDSM she taught him."

"And, you've been his therapist for a long time?"

"Yes, for the last few years. We've made a lot of progress in terms of building a coherent personality for Christian. He's in control most of the time. His sub hardly ever comes out anymore. That happens only when something really threatens him."

"Was what happened last Monday something I did to him?"

"No, I don't think so. We think his sub came out as a result of something Mrs. Lincoln told him last Monday."

"I thought they weren't having any direct contact."

"She left a voice mail on his assistant's phone. It was sent to his line because she made threats about hurting you."

"So she knows exactly how to manipulate his second personality?"

"It seems so. At least now that you're in the picture. However, now that we've figured out what triggered his switch, we can block it. We're working on shutting down that connection."

"OK…By the way, what's Christian's other name?"

"He calls himself Edward. He's a tortured, twisted child in a man's body. That personality gets his kicks by abusing women. He's sexually aroused when they're completely submissive to his sadistic sexual habits. He collects whips, chains, and floggers."

"And the Christian personality doesn't do BDSM?"

"No, he's the motivated, bright and loving man you know."

"Does Edward know about Christian and vice versa?"

"Well, Christian certainly knows about what Edward does, after the fact. When Edward's out, he tends to block out Christian's consciousness. For instance, until you told your boyfriend what Jack had seen in Seattle, he had no clue that his alter was active again."

"That's very sobering. How will I know if Christian's going to flip out on me? At any time?"

"It happens only when he's feeling abandoned and threatened."

"So if I say that I'm going to leave him, Edward might come out to take charge?"

"Yes, that's a good way of putting it."

"How will I know when Edward takes over his personality?"

"There are some very clear signals. For instance, Edward has distinct body language, as you observed from the video. He orders women around as though they're his sex slaves. He speaks in a very curt manner and he's rather cruel. Cold hearted is one way to say it."

"Sort of like Elena then?"

"Well, he learned about sex from her."

"It sounds as though Edward is very one dimensional."

"He is. At least at this point in time. Christian's therapy has advanced very well over the past several years. He's almost completely fused as a mature personality except for his sexual side. Now that you've come along, Christian wants to take charge there as well."

"So in the past, Edward was in charge of any sexual outlets for him. He took care of Christian's needs to find a full release."

"Correct. Edward was the one who joined the sex clubs, drew up contracts with submissives, and designed the room in his apartment for play."

"So the kind, caring Christian who wants to make love with me is, in a sense, just forming. Like a virgin."

Dr. Flynn's eyes fill with enthusiasm. "That's exactly right, Ana. I couldn't have said it any better. The man you know is a gentle, caring and sexually inexperienced being. He needs you to become completely healed. To send the Domme, Edward, packing for good."

"I'm not sure I'm the right person for the job. Not sure I can handle the transition from Edward to Christian or vice versa. What if Edward comes out when we're making love and hurts me?"

"First, I don't think that'll happen because Christian loves you so much. He wants nothing more than to protect and care for you. That's what happened during the earthquake. He felt incredibly attracted to you on a sexual level. At the same time, he had no desire to punish or demean you. Then he was motivated to make Edward disappear. He wanted to take over sexually. That was a huge breakthrough for Christian."

"That's incredible. And the second reason you don't think that will happen is what?"

"That you can always call me. I can put him into a hypnotic trance and motivate the switch from one personality to the other. In therapy, we work on hypnosis, all the time. It's the key to Christian's unconscious mind. That, and his dreams."

"That's a relief about the phone calls. At least we've got a backup plan for this sexual pervert, Edward. Dreams, huh?"

"Edward's on his last legs as a BDSM freak now. That personality doesn't want to fade away quietly though. It's probably sustained only by the sex drive at this point. Christian's getting so much stronger than him. Last Monday may have been the only time in months that he's come out. Soon, he won't have any need for him."

"Would it help if I made love to Christian? You know, if I showed him how great things could be without all that torture and control?"

"It seems logical but you may not want to go there right now. I know Grey would like nothing more than to complete that side of his personality. You're the only woman who's motivated Christian sexually. But I don't think it's fair for you to feel manipulated into the role of being his sexual muse. You have to feel ready to take the next step with your own sexual awakening."

"That's true. He's a very attractive but incredibly complicated man. I would hate to be making love to one personality only to discover that the other had come out to torture me."

"Christian's prepared to take it slow with you. And, as I said before, you always have the option of calling me. Both Edward and Christian respond to hypnotherapy."

"Alright. You've given me a lot to think about. On the one hand, I'm relieved that the man I saw on the video at the Submissive Club wasn't the man I fell in love with. On the other hand, it's still the same body."

"That's what is so difficult about these cases. It's very challenging to understand that one body can house two completely different personalities. Sometimes, those with DID have even more than two personalities. Each one has its own memories, skills and habits."

"So I should feel lucky, even fortunate, that my man is only split between Edward and Christian?"

"I know that sounds absurd since dealing with such a dramatic split can be more than confusing. But in this case, Edward is growing quite weak. We just need a little more sexual motivation from Christian to shut him down completely."

"The real issue is whether I'm the best woman for the job. Maybe Christian needs someone with an equally powerful and controlling personality to show him the way."

"Anastasia, you are the very best woman for the job. It's your innocence and, at the same time, strength that calls to Christian. He wants to protect and educate you on a sexual level yet he also needs your psychological strength. You're his muse. Have no doubt."

"Dr. Flynn, I'm exhausted from this discussion."

"I know you must be. We're throwing a lot at you here. The question you need to mull over is whether you want to take on someone like Christian Grey."

"That's not an issue for me. I'm definitely interested in taking on Christian. I just don't know if I can handle Edward as well."

"Take as much time as you need, Ana. If you decide it's not for you, I'll work to help my client accept your decision. In the meantime, call me if you have other questions about DID. Do some research."

"That's what I intend to do. I'll be checking things out on the internet and in other ways, too."

"Well I think we've taken enough of your time tonight. I'll be going now."

"Let me at least say goodnight to Christian. He's come all this way and I want to reinforce that part of his developing personality."

"That's so very kind of you, Ana." Flynn picks up his phone and signals my boyfriend.

Christian's back up to my place in a flash.

"Ana. I hope you don't think I'm too much of a freak with my DID."

"Well, you're a freak but I'm already gah-gah over you, Christian Grey. Come here so that I can give you some motivation."

I pull him into my arms with an enthusiasm that shocks and surprises both of us.

"Oh baby, I'm so glad we flew all the way down to Portland tonight." That's what my very complicated boyfriend tells me before we lose each other to a kiss that's more than scorching. It goes all the way down to my toes and back up to the very tips of my hair follicles.

We kiss and hug for several minutes while Dr. Flynn waits outside my apartment building for more time than anyone could have imagined.

"When can I see you again?" Christain asks me when we finally pull apart. I'm sweating from every pit on my my body.

"I'll call you tomorrow night."

AN: Our dear CG has a split personality. It's bound to cause trouble when the issue of sex rears its head. What should happen next with dear Edward? Will Christian be able to prevail when it comes time to seal the deal?