A/N: Heay, well thanks for the reviews. Yea I know I'm being cruel to Daniel, just bare with me for a bit. Let me know how you're liking the story…
Warnings: - Descriptions of self-harm, may include suicide in later chapters. Eh language, Pre- Slash. Rating may change. Yea that's about it for now. I will change this though if there's anything else.
Disclaimer:- I do not now nor have I ever owned the rights to Stargate SG-1. That lovely privilege belongs to the people in Gekko Film Corp and Showtime. I'm just borrowing the characters. Promise I'll return them good as new.
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She blamed me, for her death…she said It was my fault that she killed herself. She said I didn't protect her well enough…"
Jack's POV:
I couldn't believe I was hearing this. Although with Daniel I shouldn't be surprised. He's always finding something to guilt himself with. Sometimes it is his fault but 9 times out of ten it's not. Poor Daniel. Hopefully now that he's said he'll talk to us about these dreams he'll stop feeling guilty. I can only live in hope.
"Daniel, tell me, why do you think she'd say these things?" Dr. McNally asked Daniel.
"I was supposed to protect her. I looked after her. She was a year older than me but, I still looked after her. I had too." Says Daniel. I'm actually quite confused but it seems to make sense to Daniel and that's good enough for me.
"Tell us why Daniel. Tell us why you had to look after Linda." It's not an order, Dr. McNally doesn't give orders but there is some coercion in his voice. Maybe it's what Daniel needs.
"I looked after her cause no one else would." He says. That little confession seems to have taken a lot out of him and I'm reminded of earlier today when he was sick. His tea is cold. I stand up and take his cup. I about half way through the door when he's calling out for me.
"Jack?"
"I'll be back in a minuet Daniel, just making some more tea…" I explain. He seems to settle down after that. But he won't answer any more questions for the doc after that. I'm beginning to wonder if it's such a good idea for me to be here in these sessions. Daniel seems to be depending on me a lot, and when he gets back to normal he isn't going to appreciate the fact I've heard some of his most closely guarded secrets.
When I walk back into the room with three cups of tea, I give Daniel his and then take another blanket and wrap him up in that one as well.
"Thanks Jack…" he says.
"I think I know why she blamed me in the dream…" whispers Daniel. It kinda comes out of no where and I'm blown away but we both go with the flow anyway.
"Why Daniel? Why do you think she blames you?" Asks Dr. McNally. Daniel's hands creep out of his blanketed confines and holds out a piece of paper I hadn't seen earlier. Dr. McNally takes it and I see him pale. He hands it to me and it's all I can do not to vomit. I think I know why Daniel was earlier anyway. It was an A4 sheet of paper, folded over. Each letter cut from a magazine. It said…
DaNnY
YoU cOuLDn't ProTEcT HEr ThiS tIME!
YOU'RE Next!
That was it. Nothing else. I checked back, and front, and the envelope itself. There was nothing other than our address and the glued words.
"Daniel, you can't possible believe this. This is just some whack job trying to mess with your head, and when I find them God help them is all I can say. Who the HELL are they Any way??" I ask. I mean who the hell are they in the first place?
"It's from Martin…" Daniel mumbles and I stop mid-tirade. Martin…Martin…MARTIN LARKIN!! The bastard who'd fostered Danny when he was a boy. The excuse for a man who had man-handled Daniel at the funeral! What the hell was he doing sending Daniel shit like this!
"Daniel, are you certain it's from Martin?" asked Dr. McNally. Daniel nodded his head and snuggled into my side. This just wasn't happening.
"Martin, he used to…it was my job…I had to protect her. That was my job. If I didn't go along with Martin he would have hurt her too!" , said Daniel.
"Hurt her too?" questioned the doc.
"yea…I mean, like he'd sometimes do…eh…stuff to me but as long as I went along with it he never hurt Linda."
"What type of…stuff…would Martin do to you Daniel?" Dr. McNally asked and I tightened my grip on Daniel.
"…"
"Daniel, please. This is why you called me here tonight is it not?"
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Daniels POV:
How could I tell him? How could I tell Jack? I didn't want anyone to know my treatment at Martins. Linda was the only one who ever new. It was my secret but I needed help. Jack was right. I had to talk about this.
"He'd hit me…push me around…sometimes he'd…he'd…please don't make me say it. I can't say it!" I can feel tears stinging my eyes but they don't fall. I burry in even closer to Jack, hiding my face from view. I didn't want them to see me. I didn't want to see them, there reactions to my confession.
"Please Daniel, you're doing so well. Please try and continue." pleaded Dr. McNally.
"Come on Daniel. You can do this." Jack whispered into my hair and I shivered.
"He'd touch me."
"Touch you where?" asked Dr. McNally.
"Everywhere…" I gulp, "…my-my penis. He'd make me touch him too…I had to do things to him. I didn't want to. Please you've got to believe me! I didn't want to do it!"
"Shh…" Jack is trying to calm me.
"It's okay Daniel of course we know you didn't want to. That's not in question. Did he make you do anything else? Did he…did he rape you?"
I shake my head. "No…he never did that. He was too afraid I think to do that. But I'd have to suck him. I hated the taste, I always felt like gagging. I had to do it though. He told me If I didn't, he'd do it to Linda instead. I couldn't let her go through that as well.
We continued to talk about it for well over an hour until Dr. McNally had been present for a good 2 and a half hours.
"Ben, you're welcome to stay if you like. It's late and the couch isn't very comfortable but…"
"No no Colonel, It's alright thank-you. Daniel we did tremendous work this morning. You should be proud of yourself." Said the doc before taking his leave. I was sitting on the couch, all talked out. It was late, I was tired, and now I had to face Jacks reaction.
Jack walked Dr. McNally out and when he came back into the sitting room he sat down beside me again pulling me into his arms. It was comfortable there.
"Why didn't you tell me before?" He whispered.
"I don't know…I was ashamed I guess…" I tell him.
"And are you still ashamed?" asks Jack.
"…"
"Please be honest with me Daniel…"
"…yea, I suppose I am…" we're still whispering, neither one of us wanting to break the hush that has descended on the room.
"So did tonight's session help at all?"
"Actually, yes, it did."
"That's good…"
"Hmm…"
"Heay are you falling asleep on me?" Jack asks.
"Mmm hmm…"
"Alright then." Jacks sighs and I close my eyes to the rest of the world.
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Jack's POV:
I woke up with a creek in my neck. I was stiff all over. It was still dark outside. My clock told me it was after 3am. Daniel was lying half across my lap, half on the floor. That defiantly could not have been comfortable. My neck twinges in sympathy. I don't want to wake Daniel but nature was calling quite forcibly.
"Daniel…Daniel wake up…" I say giving his shoulder a little nudge.
"Mmm…sleeping…" Daniel moaned.
"Daniel wake up! I have to go to the bathroom." I say. Daniel didn't say anything more but he rolled off me anyway. Unfortunately, he rolled the wrong and landed on the floor but, I didn't have enough time to check on him as I needed to move quickly lest I wash the floor. When I came back into the living room I saw Daniel sitting up on the floor looking dazed.
"Come on Danny up off the floor with ya!" Daniel looked at me with lost eyes. There was something different in them though. These weren't the same eyes I had looked at for the last few weeks, no these were older, deeper…
"Danny?…"
"Jack? W-what…where?" his eyes are looking around the room rapidly not quite sure what they were seeing. I kneel down beside Daniel, I'm tempted to touch him…to take him in my arms but I'm terribly conscious of the fact Daniel is still uncertain of everything.
"Daniel do you know where you are?" I ask him. His eyes flit around them room one more time before he tentatively answers my question.
"…your house…the living room…Jack, what's going on?"
"What's the last thing you remember Daniel?" I ask.
"T-the f-funeral…Linda…M-martin…" Daniel is still very twitchy but he starts to gather himself, pulling himself up onto the couch.
I sit up onto the couch also waiting to see if Daniel remembers anything else. I don't have to wait long as soon I see the remembrance in his eyes.
"Oh My God!!!" Daniel pants out. I'm not sure if the reddish colour on his face is due to embarrassment or anger or all of the above. It's not good though.
"Jack…He killed her! He killed her!" Daniel raised his hands up over his mouth clasping them holding in his gasp. I wished I could help him get through this but I had no words. No words of use. I would have liked to hold Daniel but it was still the wrong time. Daniel needed to come to me, I couldn't force this on him. Not after he's had so much forced on him already.
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Daniel's POV:-
I sat on Jack's couch shaking my head. I could hardly believe all that was going on. All that had happened. Linda was dead. I had fought Martin. I had regressed and lost my mind. How could it all had happened?
"Why hadn't I protected her? Jack?" I looked over at the man beside me and felt my heart breaking. How was one man supposed to bare so much pain? I slumped slowly and felt Jack grasp my arms. I felt him pull me towards him and despite remembering everything now I hugged him also, just like before, just like every other time Jack had comforted me. I couldn't cry. My eyes were to sore to cry. I sobbed though, deep heart wrenching sobs that tore through my chest, making it ache. There were too many different feelings bombarding me at once, tearing me in too many directions to be identified. Pain, just raw pain. That was all I was, all I felt, all I knew.
Some time later I pulled away from Jacks arms. He was worried, that was clear from his eyes but he didn't know what to say, how to help, so he stayed silent. He waited for me, and that was fine with me because I didn't want to talk just yet. I know that I had told Jack and Dr. McNally a lot about my life with Martin Larkin and while I wasn't nearly over it yet I had thought we'd made process. I suppose that's why I've come back to myself tonight. However, I don't think I'm nearly strong enough to handle any of this yet.
"I'm going to bed." I tell Jack. I stand up and look back at Jack. He really is in the deep end here. It's kinda good to see though, it reminds me he's human. Jack's been so amazing with everything the last few weeks I guess I'd started to forget that. I turned towards the stairs and walked up them and entered my room. Jack said nothing. I looked at the bed where I'd slept more in the last year than my own house. This whole room, this whole house was home to me. I get changed and when I get into the bed I hear the crinkle of the plastic sheet I know is under there. I blush when I realise I'd been wetting my bed and Jack had been cleaning it for me. How embarrassing. I know that should bother me more but I'm just so tired emotionally and physically I didn't have the time to worry about it. I was asleep in minuets.
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Still Daniel: -
When I come down stairs the next morning It's to voices from the kitchen. Jack is talking to Dr. McNally. That man was really getting on my nerves. He was ALWAYS there. Why couldn't I just get a little piece without having every word I said monitored! I don't stop to listen to their conversation, I couldn't be bothered to hear what they have to say. I walk in the kitchen door and both men stop talking. I roll my eyes, get a cup of coffee and walk into the living room without saying a word to either of them.
I'm not surprised when ten minuets later Jack and Dr. McNally walk into the sitting room and sit down. They both have cups in their hands, coffee by the smell of it. I ignore them still and focus only on my coffee.
"Daniel?" Jacks voice breaks my self imposed silence. I don't even look at him.
"Daniel please…why aren't you talking to us?" I wasn't really sure myself. I just, well I guess I was ashamed of myself for everything. For everything that's happened. For the way I acted. I wasn't trying to be callous but maybe, maybe if I pushed them away they'd let me leave. They must realise I wasn't worth all they're effort. I know that Jack had to keep me while my mind was 'on vacation', but now that I was better…I didn't need to be supervised 24/7. Right? By staying hear now I was just in the way.
"Daniel are you angry at Jack or I? Have we done something to you? Or maybe is it something we haven't done?" Dr. McNally was sitting forward on his chair, hands gripping his coffee mug, his face serious. I put my mug down and stand up.
"I want to leave." I say and try to leave the room. I say try because as soon as I say it Jack is standing up in front of my exit. His face is serious and I know that this is going to be a lot harder than I had imagined.
"Jack…It's better this way." I whisper.
"Why?" Jack is totally closed off, his voice gruff, telling nothing. I haven't seen Jack this way in a very long time.
"I'm me again Jack. You don't need to look after me anymore. I can leave know. Can you understand that?" I'm trying to make him understand without giving too much away.
"No, I can't. Where is this coming from?" he asks. I turn my head away from him and my arms reach around myself so that I'm hugging myself. I know I'm just causing problems again. I should have just kept my mouth shut. There is so much going on though…so many things screaming at me.
"Please! Try to! I can't do this anymore. I need…I need…" I'm disgusted to hear my voice breaking.
"Daniel, sit down please and talk to us. We're here to listen. Please, let us listen to you." Dr. McNally had stood up without me noticing and had walked behind me. I was trapped now. I turned around completely to face the doctor and moved back over to the couch. I heard Jack sigh out loud. He's probably getting pissed off with my shenanigans.
"I'm sorry…" I say.
"For what Daniel?" asks Dr. McNally.
"For causing such a fuss. Making a scene…"
"Don't be sorry for that Daniel. You're not making a fuss or a scene. Jack and I care for you and we just want to get better." I look up at Dr. McNally's confession. I look at Jack to and he's nodding his head in the positive.
"I'm sick of talking all the time. I'm sick of being analysed constantly. I hate feeling like my life is not MY OWN!!" I ended up shouting.
"Do you really feel like that Daniel?" Jack asked me.
"…yea, I do. I'm tired Jack, these sessions are making me tired." I start to rub my arms. They had been bothering me since last night.
"Daniel I understand what you're saying. I've met a lot of people who feel this way. It's the daily sessions. Trust me we'll ease off them know that you've recovered." For some reason this made me very angry. Dr. McNally was normally good at knowing what to say but this just threw me completely.
"Understand…" I say very quietly, "…you, understand. Please tell me just what part of this you understand. I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND. HOW THE HELL CAN YOU?" I'm really pissed off now. I'm rubbing at my arms ferociously by now. I know that both Jack and Dr. McNally notice but neither of them are saying anything.
"I don't feel like me anymore…" I say.
"Daniel…I know. I don't understand personally but, I know what you're saying. Do you understand? Daniel, a lot of this is a result of your regression. You just need to give it time. We'll continue with your daily sessions for the next week and then after that we can look at reducing them again."
I sigh defeated. There is so much more I want to say but don't. If I want those reduced sessions I'm going to have to behave and keep things normal as possible.
"Daniel?" I look up at Jack.
"What?"
"Talk to us…" It's not so much what Jack said as the way he said it. His eyes were pleading. For Jack that was unheard of. I hang my head in shame. I'm just causing more and more problems for him.
"I..I mean, I'm sorry. I thought I was doing better…"
"You are!" Jack interrupts.
"…no, I'm not. I need…God! I need to…that is, my arms…" I'm really struggling to ask for what I want. I could have just gone ahead and cut but I was trying to get better, That's what these sessions were originally about before I went and screwed things up.
"You need to…cut?" Jack asks. I know how hard it is for him to say.
"Yea…" I look over at Dr. McNally who is watching me with calculating eyes.
"It's been a long time since you've last cut yourself Daniel. If you don't mind me asking, why did you not ask while you had regressed?"
I look away quickly not meeting either mans eyes.
"Daniel?" Jack says.
"I eh, yea, I mean that is, I did."
"You did. You…cut?" asks Dr. McNally.
"Yea…I did." I say.
"Where?…" asks Jack disbelievingly. "…I've seen your arms. They're no new cuts…" his eyes are flickering all over my body as though he's trying to see through my clothes.
"M-My thighs. I-its where I used to cut before I started buying the make-up that could hide my arms." I tell them both. Dr. McNally is nodding as though he had expected this where as Jack is sputtering, not quiet believing what he's hearing.
"Why didn't you say anything?" he asks.
"Jack, none of you ever told me why I was I was seeing Dr. McNally while I regressed. How was I supposed to know I could talk about that with him!" It was understandable I thought.
"Okay Danny, okay." Jack won't look at me and that worries me. I give Dr. McNally a look and he looks pointedly at me. Nudging me to go over to Jack.
Slowly I walk over until I'm in front of him.
"Look at me." I say to him. He raises his head after a few moments and looks at me.
"Jack, I didn't know. Honestly, I didn't realise I could talk to you. Not about this. No one knew about this Jack. Jack…please…believe me…" Jack sighs.
"I do Danny. I'll always believe you. Its me, I should have been there for you Danny. I'm SO sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me."
"You were Jack. You may not have been there while I was…cutting…but, you've helped me through my grief for Linda, and even the…letter…" I didn't need to say who had sent the letter. We all knew who had sent it.
"You still need to, ya know?" Asked Jack. I sigh.
"Yea. I wish I didn't but I…"
"It's okay Danny, you don't have to explain." Jack looks over to Dr. McNally who has stood up. He goes over to his suitcase and I see him take out my old knife. I reach out to take it from him but he keeps it close to him.
"Sit down Daniel." He tell me. I sit down beside Jack and look at Dr. McNally expectantly.
"It's been a while since we've done this. You know that the moment I say stop you stop."
"Yes…" He looks me over before carefully handing me the knife. I take it and look at it. The blood has been cleaned off once again. I open my shirt at the cuffs and roll up my sleeves. I moved a little bit away from Jack and hold the knife to my skin. I don't know why I'm hesitating. Jack and Dr. McNally aren't saying anything. I can barely hear their breathing. I look back down to my scared arm and put pressure on the skin.
I feel a tear slip out of my eye and rub it away. I still haven't broken skin.
"I can't…I it's…it's not enough…" I tell them. Jack is confused but Dr. McNally just raises his eyebrow, Teal'c like.
"Explain…" he says to me.
"T-the knife, it's not enough. It won't…it's not right…" I'm trying to explain but I can't get the words out. It's been years since I've last used the method.
"What do you normally use when you feel the knife isn't enough?" Dr. McNally asked me.
"a…erm…a lighter…" I look down at my shoes.
"No way Daniel!" Jack says. I nod.
"I didn't think you would let me."
"Daniel, you told us this, knowing we wouldn't let you…or did you think that maybe…"
"I didn't think you would, but, I'd hoped." I tell them both. It doesn't matter though. Neither one will let me. I know how disturbed I must sound, I just wish I didn't need any of this. I hadn't actually burned myself since Martin…well anyway not since then. Not even for Sha're! Well true I did try suicide but that's not really the point is it. Burns seem to be on another level entirely. Burns last longer. Burns can damage more. Burns are ugly.
"Okay…" I look up confused. Jack and Dr. McNally had obviously been talking while I had zoned out.
"What?"
"Okay, you can. BUT! We will supervise you AND the moment we say stop you'd better or we take you to the hospital. Is that understood?"
"…yea…" I shocked. I really hadn't thought Dr. McNally would let me. I see Jack get up and leave. Five minuets later he returns. It probably took him a while to find one of the lighters for the barbeque I think. Jack swallows thickly and a shaky hand, hands over the lighter. I blink and take it. I'm not sure what the procedure is going to be for this. It's always been difficult to cut in front of either man but this is beyond anything I've ever felt before. I feel raw, open, exposed. I look at Jack, but he is looking at the ground. I look to Dr. McNally then but he is looking at me intently. He's says nothing, neither of them do.
I look at the lighter again and roll up my sleeve which had fallen back down during all this. I click the lighter and see the flame shoot up. I take a deep breath and quickly press it against my arm. I feel it sear for a moment before it just tingles. My endorphins must kick in as the feeling becomes pleasurable.
"STOP!" I look at Dr. McNally and sadly take away the lighter from my skin. The flame is long gone and I take my finger off the button. I hand the lighter to Dr. McNally and he takes it. To my surprise Jack has suddenly grabbed my arm. He's looking at it intently. I follow him as he drags me into the kitchen. I realise what he's doing when he turns the faucet on. While in the past I had never washed a burn straight after I understood now that Jack needed to do this. So I let him push my arm under the freezing water and tried it keep my hiss to a minimum.
After my arm has lost all its feeling, due to the cold water, Jack takes my arm and wraps it in a tea towel. Gently he dries the arm before putting some burn cream on it and wrapping it in a bandage. Janet would be proud. Jack still won't look at me though. We go back into the living room and as I suspected the lighter has been hidden. Dr. McNally is sitting in his chair looking at the empty fireplace. I did this to them. I've disgusted both men so much they can't even look at me. I feel like crying.
"You hate me." I say. It was practically whispered but sounded loud in the quiet room.
"We don't hate you Danny! Never!" Jack says. He stands up and walks towards me. I know Jack would never hurt me and maybe it was just a reaction after the regression but I flinch thinking he's going to hit me. Jack pauses but, continues his way towards me when he sees me get a handle on myself.
"Danny Dr. McNally and I care about you. You're my best friend Danny, I could Never hate you. I just don't understand you. I'm really confused about all of this Daniel, I just need some time to sort myself out. Please give me this time Daniel, I promise you, I'm always going to be there for you. I promise." Jack is gripping my arms now and looking me in the eyes. This is hurting him so deeply I'm shocked. I guess I'd never truly realised just what I was doing to my friends, to Jack.
"Okay. I understand Jack. I'm…"
"DON'T say you're sorry!" Jack cuts in over me.
"You have got nothing to be sorry about. Okay. We'll sort this out, eventually. We have to." Says Jack.
"I'm tired." I say.
"Daniel we've been talking nearly over three hours. Why don't you go upstairs and try and have a sleep. We can talk again tomorrow." Says Dr. McNally. While a part of me is still mad at him I see the wisdom of his words. While I had only got up out of bed three hours ago, they had been the most emotionally draining hours of my life. A sleep really sounded good right now.
"Okay, but Jack?…" I look at him.
"Yea?" He asks.
"…don't let me sleep too long, please. I won't be able to sleep tonight otherwise." I say.
"Alright. I'll talk to you later Danny." He says backing away from me and letting me leave the room.
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Jack's POV:
"What do I do doc?" I ask. Seeing Daniel burn himself like that had almost killed me. It was one of the most painful things I had ever had to watch.
"I don't know how I can do this. I know we had this conversation before but I just can't do it. I'm not that strong doc. No matter how much I care about him.!" I confess.
"Sit down Jack, before you fall down." He says. I take his advise and I practically collapse onto the couch.
"I know that was hard to see. Believe me, my stomach was turning, but right now that's what Daniel needs and you heard him, he says he hasn't done it in years. I believe him. We just need to watch him closely over the next few days. See how things go. I'll say this though. Horrible and all as I was to see we did make some progress."
"How, tell me how in the HELL that was progress doc!" I scream.
"Daniel was comfortable enough with us to tell us that was what he needed. He trusted us with that information knowing there was very little chance of us letting him use the lighter."
"Why doc? Why did you let him do it?" I ask. I know It sounds like I'm whining but I'm trying very hard myself not to break down.
"…because Jack, he's needs to be weaned off this. Cold turkey just won't work with an addiction like this. If I had let him cut instead not only would it not have satisfied his addiction but, It also left an opportunity for Daniel to lose control and continue cutting. Even after I'd said no. I wasn't going to take a chance like that again." Dr. McNally says.
"I can't do it anymore…" I stand up and leave the room. Dr. McNally can see himself out.
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A/N: Sorry It's taken so long to get this chapter out. I've been busy. I'm not sure just how well this tied in, but well while we're all wanting to see what else went on with Martin Larkin I know that in real life people get side-tracked. Daniel, Jack and Dr. McNally got side-tracked.
I would also like to say one more thing. I've gotten some AMAZING reviews for the last few chapters and would like to thank my reviews for them. There are two people in particular though that I'd like to mention. (I won't say their names but they know who they are.) One wrote in the reviews another through pm. So with that I'll say this: I have not now nor Ever been abused in any way shape of form. Thank-you SOOOOOOOOO much for the supportive messages and I'm sorry if people may have been led to believe that. I feel it is important to say this as well, I feel nothing sort of guilty and a liar to have people believing otherwise. My writing is important to me and I spend a lot of time trying to put myself in other peoples places to make sure I can write convincingly form their POV. I hope I don't lose any readers due to this.
The final thing that I will say is that NO ONE deserves to be abused in any way and NO ONE deserves to feel they should punish themselves. If you or someone you know is in either situation, or both as the case maybe, please seek help immediately. Also if injured seek medical attention right away and DO NOT assume the methods above will be enough to treat your injury.
Please Review xx.