A/N: I'm so tired ;_; waaah! Anyway, I'm not sure where the angsty stuff came from? I guess there's been too much fluff, I don't know xD Then again this whole story pretty much came out of nowhere, so I guess I can't complain. It was only supposed to be maybe 4-6 chapters long, and look where we are now. So, there's that.

Chapter length: 2780

Onward!

CHAPTER 14 – Selfish

They don't tell Lisa what happened.

It just seems easier that way; she'd be furious and hunt down Oliver Queen, and cause a huge scene. It wouldn't be good for anyone. Despite his anger, Barry doesn't want Queen in trouble, especially if it puts his identity in jeopardy. And Len knows Lisa and how she will react, so they decide it's best to not tell her.

Keeping it from her is hard, though. Len tells her everything.

Thankfully, she's usually out with Cisco, so he doesn't have to worry about it too much.

Two days after the fact and Barry's still fuming over it.

Len's not happy about it, either, but he's not nearly as tense as the kid. He's thrumming with energy again, and when the kid says they're going to STAR Labs, Len doesn't argue. He drives them there, and the lab is empty.

He's beginning to wonder if Barry knows the lab is empty, and that's why he randomly decides to go to STAR Labs. Without Wells around, it's usually just Cisco lingering around anyway, and right now he's out with Len's sister.

Barry leads them through the halls and heads straight for the treadmill.

He doesn't ask Len to watch, but that's exactly what Len does.

After a while of running, Barry slows to a stop and looks over at him, panting, his hands on his knees as he hunches forward. He's covered in sweat, glistening in the light. "I needed that," he breathes.

"What's wrong with you, kid?" Len asks, frowning at him.

Barry waves him off dismissively.

"Scarlet."

Barry scowls. "That's not fair."

"What's not?"

"That tone," Barry says. "It's like truth serum."

"Good. I don't like being lied to, kid. Tell me what's up with you," Len says, approaching the treadmill. Barry sighs heavily, sitting on the edge of it, and Len joins him.

"I'm just angry," Barry says, shaking his head. "It's stupid. But it just made me have all this energy, and I needed to run. I feel better now."

"You need to run a lot," Len says.

"Yeah – crime's been low since the Singularity," Barry says with a shrug. "Usually I get to run a lot, through the city, but I just… I don't know. Lately, I don't want to."

And Len understands that. Maybe not completely, since he's not a speedster and he didn't enter a black hole to save the city, but he can understand that Barry is reluctant to run through the city when he doesn't have to. They never really talked about it very much, but Barry seemed to be getting better. But Len has definitely noticed he doesn't run as much as he used to; Len usually drives them everywhere on his motorcycle, and occasionally the kid comes here to lose some energy.

"Are you still…" Len pauses, trying to find his words, but it's a struggle because they try to stick in his throat. "Do you still think you might vanish into time again?"

Barry shrugs helplessly, gaze focused on the ground, shoulders drooping. "I don't know. It's stupid, I know. The only way I could go back in time like that was because of the particle accelerator working like it was supposed to, or something like that. I know the likelihood of it happening again when I'm running is very, very slim, but I still… worry."

Len takes in a slow breath, watching the kid. "I worry, too," he admits quietly.

Slowly, Barry lifts his gaze to focus on Len. "You… do? About what?"

"You, mostly," he says. "But I do worry you might… vanish again."

Admitting his fears is not something he likes doing. Having fears makes him weak, he's sure, and if his father could see him right now he'd be so very, very disappointed. But that doesn't matter because Barry needs to hear it just as much as Len needs to say it, because it might be unlikely, but it's still a fear.

And it's not stupid.

Barry swallows thickly, Adam's apple bobbing. "I'm afraid to run fast," the kid admits. "And that's crazy, because I'm the Flash, and it's kind of what I do." He drags in a breath, exhaling shakily. "But when I run too fast, I… there's no way to describe how it feels. All my words come back to Wells' when he was… helping me phase."

Len nods, though he doesn't completely understand. But Barry needs to get this off his chest, and Len is touched he's talking to him instead of anyone else.

Instead of people better equipped to handle this, because they were there at the time.

"He said I was part of a Speed Force, whatever that is. But I… I can feel it, when I'm moving fast. It's like… I'm tapping into something, and it's mine, and… I like it. There's no other feeling like it in the world," Barry explains quietly.

Len doesn't say anything, merely listens, because it's what the kid needs, and he has no words. So he settles a hand on the kid's wrist to let him know he's not going anywhere, and the speedster keeps talking.

"And when I went back in time, to… to save my mom…" Here he falters, and Len frowns.

"What happened with that?" he asks. "You said you were in time…"

Barry sucks in a trembling breath. "I… Yeah."

"You said your future self told you not to save her."

Which Len still doesn't really understand.

Barry's eyes fall closed as he pulls his knees to his chest, hunching forward, elbows over his knees and face now buried in his elbows. Barry's a rather tall, lanky individual, but now he looks like a small child. Len slides a little closer out of instinct rather than thought.

"Scarlet?"

"I… I was so selfish," Barry mumbles, the sound muffled since he's hiding his face.

"You're the least selfish person I know," Len tells him.

Barry said he was selfish before, too, but never elaborated. Len let him get away with it then, but now…

Now he can't.

"Tell me how you're selfish," Len says.

Another trembling breath. He sees it in the kid's outline.

"I went back in time to save my mom… but that would have given me a different life," Barry mumbles. "But she would be alive, and so… I thought it was worth it. I wanted to save her. All my life, I've wanted to change that night, and I finally could."

Len nods even though the kid's not looking at him. He rests a hand on the kid's shoulder, squeezing lightly.

Barry continues. "So I went back, but… I mean, I was scared, too, because I would cease to exist. Me, as I am – I would not exist anymore."

And that's a scary thought, Len has to admit.

"I would be essentially erasing myself from the timeline, because this timeline wouldn't have happened," Barry says despondently. "And… And I'm selfish because I like this life."

Len swallows, squeezing Barry's shoulder again as the kid stops talking for a moment.

"It was bad at first, sure, but… but it's the only life I've ever known, and it's mine. I have Joe, and Iris, and Cisco and Caitlin and… and you…" A shaky breath. "And I couldn't just let it slip away. I'm selfish because I chose my life over hers. I'm selfish because I wanted to keep this life. I'm selfish because I didn't change the timeline, and Eddie died for it. I'm selfish because it's my fault that Singularity happened."

By the end of it, the kid's a mess. Len can't see any tears, but he has a feeling he knows anyway. He bites his lower lip momentarily, which he usually does not do, and then he slides closer still. His arms easily wrap around the form of Barry Allen, attempting to shrink into himself. The kid stiffens at first, and Len wonders if he did something wrong, but then the speedster relaxes into his hold, leaning into him now.

"I'm so selfish," Barry whispers, face still hidden and voice still muffled. "And I'm so sorry…"

"You're not selfish, Barry," Len tells him.

"I am. I am."

"You're not selfish – you just happened to respond to self-preservation," Len says quietly. "It's an instinct we all share, kid, and you've ignored your sense of self-preservation for far too long."

Barry lifts his head just enough that half-lidded green eyes focus on him, briefly.

Len draws in a breath to continue speaking. "You knew that saving your mom would erase you from this timeline – that's basically killing you. And you got scared, because you don't want to die, and that's perfectly normal."

"But I could have saved her…" Barry mutters, gaze flickering away. "I should have saved her."

"That would mean the death of you," Len says thickly. "You're not selfish for wanting to save yourself, Scarlet."

"I told her I got a second chance to tell her me and Dad are okay," Barry mumbles, hiding his face again. "But that's not true – I got a second chance to save her, and I… didn't."

The kid talked to his mom, it seems. That has to hurt, because it would have been as she was dying, and Len can only imagine what that was like. No wonder the kid's so messed up right now.

"Your mother wouldn't want you to ruin yourself in the midst of saving her," Len tells him quietly, pulling away slightly. "And if you're selfish, kid, I'm right there with you."

Barry's head lifts again, slightly, so he can frown at Len. "What do you mean?"

Len sighs heavily, running a hand across his face. Finding the words is complicated, but necessary. "I'm happy you didn't save your mom."

Green eyes widen. "W-What?"

"I'm selfish," Len tells him. "I'm happy you were selfish for once in your life and chose to save yourself. I'm happy the timeline isn't changed. I'm happy we're getting married in December." He draws in a breath as Barry keeps watching him with wide eyes. "That fact is, I love you, Scarlet. If saving your mom means you get taken from me, then no, I'm not okay with that. So, you see, kid, I'm the selfish one, not you."

Barry stares at him for a long time.

Len blinks back.

There's a blur of motion, and then Len's arms are filled with Barry Allen once more, and that's perfectly okay with him. The kid's warm against his side, his arms wound around Len's middle as the kid's head rests on his shoulder.

"I love you, too," Barry says quietly. "We can be selfish together."

Len smiles, and then laughs faintly. Maybe one day it won't be so frail.

xXx

Barry's at a crime scene, picking up bits of hair and the like.

Len's across the street with binoculars.

Not the most inconspicuous thing he can do, but it works, and he's in a dark room after hours, so it's not like anyone can see him.

He wasn't lying about the kid being grounded, and that he would indeed be around the corner at crime scenes. It's true that Barry got the call around nine at night and left immediately, but Len can easily follow someone who doesn't want to run in a blur of motion.

It's still so strange to have the Flash not be the Flash. He's the Flash but he's not, because he doesn't use his speed all the time anymore, and it's… different.

Perhaps this is to be the new normal.

If that leaves him with a Barry Allen he can track on foot, he's fine with that.

Joe West stands at the kid's side, discussing his findings. Barry stands to his full length instead of crouching as he had been, evidence bagged. Len's never watched Barry at work before. Sure, he's seen the Flash in action on multiple occasions, but he's never seen CSI Barry Allen at work, and it's something to see. The kid looks so focused and determined, so at ease like he used to be in the Flash suit. It's a look Len finds he misses.

His phone vibrates in his pocket, startling him. He contemplates ignoring it, but people don't usually call him, so he sighs and pulls it free of his clothing.

It's Lisa.

"Yeah, sis?" he answers, keeping an eye on Barry, one hand holding up the binoculars.

"Where are you?" Lisa asks.

"Uh… At a crime scene."

"Are you robbing someone? And you didn't invite me?" The pout is obvious in her voice.

Len snorts. "No, sis. I'm watching Barry work."

"… It's not, like… from the shadows or anything, is it?"

Len remains silent.

Lisa laughs. "Leonard Snart, are you telling me you're stalking your fiancé?"

"I'm keeping an eye on him," Len defends. "There's a difference."

She laughs again. "Oh, this is great. I love you, Lenny, but this is crazy. Does Barry know you're lingering in the shadows like a creeper?"

"He knows enough," Len says, because he did flat-out tell Barry he'd be following him to crime scenes… Whether or not Barry believed him is another matter entirely.

"This is priceless. Why are you stalking him, again?"

"He's a magnet for trouble," Len says, watching as Barry walks toward a police car, probably to head back to his lab at the precinct. Following him there is going to be more difficult, but not undoable.

"And this is different from before… how?"

It's not, really. He's just more aware of it now, and that makes all the difference.

"What do you want, Lisa?" he asks, because she called for a reason.

"Oh, right. Well, I just got home and no one's here, so I wasn't sure if you two were having a secret date somewhere or something."

"So you thought calling me would clear things up?"

"Well, when you put it like that…" Lisa drawls. "But no, I was just wondering when you'd be back."

Len scoffs. "That tech geek isn't at the house, is he?"

But he already knows the answer.

"What?" Lisa sounds all the right amounts of surprised, but she is a stellar actress. "Of course not! I… That would… maybe?"

Len sighs heavily. He wants to complain on basic principle, but the truth is he is growing kind of fond of Cisco, and he seems good for Lisa, so he supposes he'll let it slide. For now. "Don't break the bed," he says. "I have to go, Lis. Talk to you later."

He hangs up before she can reply, and moves to leave the building.

Following Barry to the police station will be difficult… but he's always liked a challenge.

xXx

When Barry emerges the police station, Len's waiting for him outside on his motorcycle, helmet hiding his face. Nevertheless, Barry knows it's him and smiles as he approaches, reaching for the spare helmet.

Usually the two never bother with helmets unless they are going to be traveling quickly; but for the basic speed limit in town, they do not, usually. Barry can always save them if they are going to crash. But tonight, in front of the police station, he figures the helmets are needed.

"Were you following me?" Barry asks by way of greeting, putting the helmet on.

"I told you you're grounded," Len replies.

Barry laughs and climbs onto the motorcycle, looping his arms around Len's middle. Len revs the engine and pulls away from the curb.

The drive back to the safe house is short enough, and they climb off the motorcycle, entering the house.

The house is mostly dark but the TV is on, and loud. Len doesn't need to know why that's like that.

"Is… Is that Cisco's…?" Barry asks, gesturing at a shirt left on the couch.

"We're leaving," Len says, spinning on his heel to head back for the door.

"But we just got here," Barry complains.

It's late – roughly two in the morning, and they're both tired, but there is no way Len is sleeping in this house while his sister has sex.

Lisa can be quite vocal, and no. Not happening tonight.

"Where can we crash for the night, Scarlet?"

Barry frowns at him as they climb back on the motorcycle. "Uh… Joe's, I guess? I still have a room there with a lot of my stuff. If we're quiet he might not even know… he's still at the station, anyway."

Len sighs. He isn't sure he likes this idea, but the alternative is listening to his sister… and no. Absolutely not.

"Joe's it is," he says, and pulls away from the safe house.