Author's Note: I'm leaving tomorrow for a ten-day trip to the beach. I'll be taking my writing with me, but no guarantees that I'll have time to do anything with it.

Chapter Thirteen

Trip

My head still hurt, even after what I assumed were a couple of hours of sleep. I opened my eyes and snapped them shut again, groaning as I buried my head under the pillows. Even the dim light in the room was too much. I contemplated the consequences of just staying in bed all day but realized there was no way I could do that.

For starters, I really had to pee.

Bracing myself, I sat up and looked around the room.

True to her word, Callie was still there. She was seated at my desk, her feet propped up and a data PADD in her hand. She looked over at me and smiled. "Morning," she said.

"Hold that thought," I replied and quickly made my way to the bathroom. When I re-entered the room a few minutes later, I'd brushed my teeth and comb my hair. Though, those simple tasks had taken a lot out of me. I sank back onto my bed and leaned back, my head against the wall. "What time is it?" I asked tiredly.

She glanced at the chronometer on my desk. "A little after eleven hundred." She laid the PADD aside.

It had been around twenty-hundred when I'd fallen asleep by my best guess. "So I've been asleep for fifteen hours?" I was stunned. I don't think I'd ever slept that long in my life.

"More or less." She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. "How are you feeling?"

"Honestly? I feel like I have the flu." I ran my hand over my face. "I feel achy, and my head hurts." I sighed. "I still feel…raw."

She nodded sympathetically. "You probably will for a few days. It's not uncommon to have some physical symptoms to go along with an emotional collapse like you had last night."

I closed my eyes and rubbed the bridge of my nose. "Those critters packed a hell of a punch," I muttered.

"Trip, it's like I said last night, they put you through the wringer, but they didn't create anything that wasn't already there. They just amplified it."

I winced. "Was the cap'n in the cargo bay when I blew up?"

"He was." Callie nodded, her expression unreadable. "He slipped into the shuttle bay to hit the beings with omicron radiation, which took them out."

I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. "So he heard everything." I my eyes with the back of my hand. "I feel like such a jerk. He must hate me now."

"He doesn't hate you," she replied. "He feels guilty and hurt, but he doesn't hate you. I told him last night that I thought you two probably have a lot to talk about, but…" A gentle smile tugged at her lips. "I think you can work through it."

I stared down at my hands. "I do," I finally said. "And I think I need some help doing it. Because workin' through it on my own isn't exactly pannin' out the best."

Callie glanced down. "Trip, I can't be your counselor. I'm too close. I can't be unbiased where you're concerned." Her eyes met mine again and she smiled. "But I can be your friend." She paused, thoughtful. "I haven't been here for most of the events that you've mentioned that have brought you to this point. I wasn't involved. I can be an objective ear to listen to you and help you work through it. So while I can't be your counselor, an ear to listen, and a shoulder to cry on. If you want me to."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded. "Yeah," I managed. "I think I need you."

"Let's start by getting some food in you." She stood and stepped over to the comm panel. "You'll need your strength. I'll call down and see if Chef can send something up."

"You do that, and I'm gonna go grab a quick shower." I still felt grimy and sticky, and a long, hot shower sounded good. I grabbed a clean set of clothes from the closet and headed into the bathroom. When the door slid closed behind me, I turned on the shower as hot as I could stand it and stripped down.

The near-scalding water felt wonderful on my achy muscles, and for a long time I just stood under the jets. I folded my arms on the wall and leaned my forehead on them, letting stream pound onto my back. As good as it felt, the shower had just been an excuse. The truth was I just needed a minute to myself.

I spent a good, long while in the shower, replaying my outburst in the shuttlebay in my mind. Part of me was disgusted with myself for saying those things about people I cared about. On the other hand, it was a relief to get some of it off my chest. Eventually I'd have to face Jon and talk about it, and I dreaded that. The things that had popped out of my mind must have been a slap to the face for him. Just thinking about it filled me with guilt.

Despite my remorse, the shower had felt fantastic and I did feel a little better once I'd finished. I finally turned off the taps, grabbed a towel and stepped out, drying myself off as I strode across the room to the sink. I used the towel to wipe off the steam from the mirror and stared at my reflection.

I cringed, a sinking feeling in my gut when I really took a look for the first time in weeks. I'd lost weight, and there were dark circles under my eyes. It was obvious to everyone I hadn't been taking care of myself. I'd known it, but hadn't cared enough to do anything about it. What had happened to me? Had I really let it get that bad?

Sighing, I pulled on my clothes and then stepped back into my room.

Once again Callie was engrossed in her data PADD, but this time a large covered tray was sitting in front of her on the desk. Enticed by the smell of good food, I stepped over and lifted the cover. "Chicken noodle soup and pecan pie," I murmured, picking up the warm bowl and easing back down on my bed.

"Chef said he heard that you were a bit under the weather and thought you could use a little comfort food."

"Tell him I said thanks." I stared into the bowl and stirred the soup idly. "Callie, I know I said I wanted you to help me work through this, but I don't even know where to start."

"Let's start with the smaller stuff and work up," she suggested. "Of all the things that you listed last night, what is the least troubling?"

I thought about it long and hard as I took another bite of my soup. "Malcolm, I guess." I took a deep breath, and the floodgates opened.

Over the next few hours, I poured out my heart to Callie. We talked about Malcolm and the MACO's. About stealing a warp reactor from another ship in the Expanse. About my last visit with my parents, and how I'd worried and upset them with my actions. I didn't stop talking even when a steward brought dinner—chicken tetrazzini. After filling my belly and emptying my heart, I felt somewhat better.

Setting my empty plate on the desk, I glanced at Callie and took a deep breath. "I want to talk to the cap'n," I said. I tensed as soon as the words left my mouth.

She raised a brow. "Only if you're sure, Trip," she said gently. "I'm happy to go get him. But you don't have to talk to anyone until you're damn good and ready."

I smiled faintly. "I appreciate you lookin' out for me, but I want to. Besides, what would you do if he ordered you to let him talk to me?"

"As I have pointed out to him a couple of times, I am one of two people on this ship who can relieve him of duty if I really want to."

"You don't want to do that. Phlox says it's a helluva lot of paperwork."

Callie chuckled. "You're sure you want to talk to him?"

I nodded slowly. "I need to. For better or worse, he's the best friend I've got. I feel like if things are good between us, I can face the worst of it."

"Okay." She stood, pausing in front of me to squeeze my shoulder. "I'll call him."

Jon

Alpha shift ended more than an hour ago, and I'd had the steward send my dinner up to my ready room. I sat, staring blankly at the star chart on my terminal.

It hadn't been a good day. I'd been short with the crew for most of the day before I finally sequestered myself to my ready room to avoid snapping at anyone else. They'd been forgiving. They knew I was worried about Trip. We all were. When I tried to see Trip that morning, Callie refused to let me in. As far as she was concerned, no one was going to speak to Trip until he was damn good and ready. I understood that. Respected it.

But I didn't like it.

Sighing, I rubbed my forehead and stood. Porthos was waiting, likely anxious for a walk around the ship. I kept the poor guy cooped up far too much. I figured it was time to throw in the towel for the day and spend a quiet evening with him.

"Counselor to Captain Archer."

The comm rang out just as I reached the door. I hit the button on my comm terminal, my heart thumping just a bit faster. "Go ahead."

"Captain, Commander Tucker would like to speak with you, if you have a minute."

Relief washed over me. Things couldn't be too bad if Trip wanted to see me. "I'll be right down, counselor. Just give me a few minutes."

I paused long enough to make arrangements for Porthos to spend the evening with Phlox. With that taken care of, I stepped out of my ready room and made my way through the bridge and into the turbolift to E Deck.

It took me just a few minutes to arrive at Trip's door. I took a deep breath to gather my nerve, and then pressed the call button. A second later, Callie answered the door. "Come on in, Captain." She stepped aside to let me in.

Trip was seated on his bed, his legs folded in front of him. Despite sleeping an inordinate amount of time the night before, he still looked exhausted. "Hey, Trip," I said cautiously.

"Cap'n." His tone was full of reserve. There was a mix of emotions in his eyes, guilt, and grief topping the list.

"Trip." I shook my head. "We're off-duty. You can call me Jon."

He looked relieved and nodded, some of the tension draining out of his shoulders. Callie glanced back and forth between us, inching her way to the door. "I'll leave you two alone to talk, if that's okay."

Panic briefly flicked through Trip's eyes. "If you could stay?" He was almost begging. "Please?"

Indecision flickered in her eyes, but she relented. "Alright. But this conversation is all you."

I sat down on the chair at Trip's desk, and Callie perched in a chair in the corner.

"Cap—" Trip started, and then corrected himself. "Jon, I owe you an apology. I know you were in the cargo bay when I lost it." He shook his head. "I didn't mean the things I said. Those creatures—"

I cut him off and held up a hand. "Trip, there is no need to apologize. The beings—whatever they were—didn't create anything. They just amplified it."

"So I've been told." He glanced at Callie.

I smiled. "So I you might not have meant to say them, but that doesn't mean you didn't feel them." His eyes dropped to his hands and I continued. "But don't apologize. You have some justification for feeling that way."

He gazed at me for a moment and then sighed. "I don't even know what to say."

"Tell me what you're thinking."

He took a deep, steadying breath. "I feel like I've lost my best friend," he said slowly. "We used to hang out when we were off duty; watchin' water polo, shootin' baskets in the gym, playin' pool. But now? I spend time with Malcolm, and you spend time with Porthos. Or T'Pol." There was a note of bitterness in his tone at the mention of my first officer, and I chose to let it go. "I feel like things haven't been the same between you and me since the incident with the Vissians." He held up a hand to stop me from interrupting. "I don't question one bit that you were within your rights as my captain to dress me down for that. I needed that kick in the ass. I screwed up. I get that. But…" His eyes met mine, and there was a pleading expression in them. "It felt like that went beyond Captain to Chief Engineer, and spread over to Jon to Trip. It felt like my screw-up cost me my best friend."

I was quiet for a long time as I processed what Trip had said. Part of me felt guilty. Trip looked so young and vulnerable right now, and to a point he was right—things hadn't been the same between us since that incident.

Finally, I spoke, careful to keep my tone gentle. "As your captain, I won't apologize for what happened with the cogenitor," I said slowly. "I feel like you needed to go through that. Before that incident, you were rash, impulsive, and never thought things through. That incident caused you to grow up and become a better officer. You think before you react, and you're more conscious of the example that you set for your subordinates."

His eyes dropped and Trip nodded.

"But as your friend, I was a little harder on you than you deserved. To a point, I did let it spill over to our friendship. I was angry." I took a deep breath. "I had made a friend of the Vissian captain, and I hated to lose that friendship. But I let it sour a friendship that I already had, probably the most important one I have on this ship. So Trip." I leaned forward. "I'm sorry."

He sat quietly for a minute, and I could tell that he was fighting for control. "It's okay, Cap'n," he said softly. "I just…" He trailed off.

"I know." I glanced at Callie to see how I was doing, she gave me an encouraging nod. So far, so good. "I was angry. And I held you at arm's length for a while so I could cool off. And then, just when I was starting to pull it together, all hell broke loose in our lives."

"The Expanse."

I nodded. "That was…" I searched for the right words. "Those days were hell for all of us. You were struggling to come to grips with losing your sister, and I almost literally had the weight of the world on my shoulders. If we failed—if I failed as a captain—our entire species would be wiped out. I let that responsibility consume me. I tuned everyone out." I stood, pacing the floor restlessly. "Trip, you know as well as I do that things happened during that time which none of us are proud of."

"Yeah." Trip sighed. "What happened with the Illyrians and their warp coil still bothers me."

"Me, too," I admitted. "That wasn't one of my finer moments in command."

"Or mine as an engineer." Trip ran his hands over his face.

I sat back down and leaned forward, my elbows on my knees. "We all did and said things we're not proud of. Part of me wishes we could just find a way to erase our memories of those days. But we learn from our mistakes. It's part of what makes us who we are now."

Trip leaned back against his pillows, picking at his blanket. "I'm not so sure I like who I am these days."

I glanced at Callie. I could see the sympathy in her eyes, and I knew that she was resisting the urge to console him.

"Trip." I paused, making sure he was looking me in the eye. "You were drowning for a long time and I didn't see it. I was too caught up in my own problems to see that yours were overwhelming you. I should have been there for you." Fresh guilt welled up in me.

Trip sighed. "Phlox conned T'Pol into bein' there for me The neuropressure and relaxation techniques she taught me helped—for a while. But then…" He swiped at his eyes. "Then I was thrown across engineering and you cloned me—cloned me, for god's sake. Jon, I swear I always thought one of me was almost too much for the universe to handle."

I chuckled at his feeble attempt at a joke.

"The whole thing with Sim made things complicated with T'Pol, and that just made the whole damn situation even more stressful than it already was," he said. "I couldn't talk to T'Pol, or you, or Phlox or, hell, anyone about Sim. Because everyone was talking about how big of a hero he was for saving my life. And don't get me wrong—I was damn grateful. But I can't tell you how it felt to stand there in the armory, staring at my own face in that casket with my head spinning my stomach churning and knowing that it should have been me in there. And I didn't have a damn person who was willing to talk to me about it."

I sighed, closing my eyes. "Ah, Trip…" I murmured. "I'm so sorry."

He bit his lip. "I felt like I'd been replaced. Hey, Trip might not make it, so let's just make a spare."

"He wasn't you." The words came out sharper than I intended. He snapped to silence, startled by the intensity of my outburst. "He wasn't you." This time I said it gently. "I'm going to tell you something that I've never said to anyone. Hell, I can barely admit it to myself. Trip, I used the ship as an excuse. I used the mission as an excuse. The fact is that deep down, I was selfish. Phlox gave me an out to save you and I took it. Partly because I didn't trust Enterprise in the hands of anyone else, but mostly because I couldn't stand the thought of losing you."

Trip blinked. "What?" he finally managed, astonished.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Callie raise a brow. "Whatever has happened over the last couple of years, Trip, you are still the best friend I have." I stopped, trying to put what I was feeling into words. "I never had siblings growing up. It was just me. I guess over the years I've come to look at you as the younger brother that I never had. I always enjoy hanging out with you and sharing a laugh. I can talk to you about anything. We have our ups and downs, and there are times that I'd really like to strangle you." He grinned faintly. "But when the going gets tough, I know that you're always going to be there for me. Over the last couple of years, I've taken that for granted. I haven't been the friend to you that you've been to me."

Trip swallowed several times. "Well," he finally managed, "you could start by mixing up the water polo matches with a few football games."

I chuckled and reached out to clap Trip on the shoulder. I think he surprised us both when he grabbed my hand and pulled me into a bear hug. I hugged him tightly for a long moment, and then glanced a bit helplessly at Callie who moved forward and sat next to Trip on the bed. As a whole, men are uncomfortable with emotional displays. I'm no exception. With Callie's hand on his arm, Trip finally pulled back and smiled at me. "Thanks, Cap'n."

I took a deep breath. "Now, there's something I'd like to get off of my chest," I said slowly.

Trip glanced at Callie and then back to me, wariness in his eyes. "What's that?"

I gazed at him, and I know the hurt was reflected in my eyes. "When you left for the Columbia," I began, and he averted his gaze. "I didn't know why, and I still don't. You've refused to talk about it any time I've brought it up. I've wondered all this time if it was something I'd done or said. It hurt. First that you were upset enough to leave, and more importantly that you couldn't talk to me about it."

Trip licked his lips and stared down at his bed for a minute. "You really wanna know?" he asked, his tone a bit sheepish.

"Yeah, I would," I said, gently.

He looked up at me, this time guilt in his own eyes. "I left over a woman," he said.

Callie rolled her eyes and stood. "On that note…"

Trip held up a hand and shushed her. "Things were awkward between T'Pol and me after she married Koss." He blushed, glancing away. "When we were in the Expanse we had a…fling."

I furrowed my brow. "How did I miss that?"

"As you've pointed out, you were a bit wrapped up in yourself."

"Point taken."

"It just got too difficult to work with her. It was interfering with my ability to do what I needed to do. So I left. But then I missed Enterprise and everyone here so much that I asked to come back." He looked chagrined. "I didn't want to tell you because I figured you'd call me a coward for tuckin' tail and runnin' because of a woman."

"Damn right I would have," I replied. "And then I would have poured you some bourbon and helped you drown your sorrows. Next time you're fretting over a woman, tell me."

"Yes, sir," he replied, stretching out. He glanced up at me. "Jon, I'm sorry. For everythin'."

"Let's just put it all behind us, and move forward." I could see that the day had drained him, emotionally and physically.

"Okay, Trip," Callie said gently. "I think that's enough for today."

"I—" Trip began, and then sighed and sank back against his pillows. "You're probably right," he admitted. He threw an arm up over his eyes.

"Here." She moved to sit next to him on the bed and rested a hypospray against his neck. "This will help."

"What is it?" Trip asked hoarsely. He lowered his arm just enough to peer up at her with a tired suspicion.

"It'll help you relax and sleep," she replied as pressed the hypospray to his neck.

Trip didn't argue. Instead, he rolled over onto his side and faced Callie, tucking one hand under his pillow. Within minutes, he was sound asleep.

Callie watched him for a few moments to ensure that he was indeed asleep before she quietly stood, dragging her fingers through her hair. "He'll probably sleep for hours." She glanced back at him. "That's what he needs the most."

I nodded, and then stepped over to the comm. "Captain Archer to Dr. Phlox," I said quietly.

"Yes, Captain?" the doctor's cheerful voice came back.

I looked at Callie, who was almost dead on her feet. "Can you keep an eye on Commander Tucker for a few hours so that the counselor can get some rest?"

"Certainly. I'm on my way now."

I turned to Callie. "Come on." I took her by the arm and pulled her out of Trip's quarters.

"But—" She sputtered, protesting. Once we were in the corridor, however, she gave up the fight and leaned back against the bulkhead. "I probably could use a couple hours sleep," she conceded, rubbing her eyes.

"You're exhausted." I rested my hands on her upper arms. "I'm glad that you're so devoted to your job and are taking such good care of my chief engineer, but you need to look after yourself, too." A slight smile tugged at the corners of my lips. "Come with me."

Callie arched a brow and cast a longing look at her quarters. I had no doubt that ideas of a hot shower and her bed were tumbling through her mind. But I knew that she had other needs that she should see to first. Taking her by the hand, I led her down the corridor to my own quarters. I quickly typed in my override code and the door slid open, and a spicy aroma met us both.

Deeply she inhaled. "My god," she murmured, eyes glazing over. "Is that—?"

"Pizza," I replied. I moved over to the warmer and lifted the cover, revealing a pepperoni pie that I'd had sent down earlier. "I put a bug in Chef's ear that you might need some comfort food, and I remembered that this is your favorite."

She stared for a long moment, and I could practically see her salivating. "Jonathan Archer," she said slowly. "I could kiss you right now." Greedily, she pushed past me and practically attacked the pizza, picking up a slice and biting into it with obvious delight. I found myself wondering when she'd last eaten.

A tingle swept over me when she mentioned kissing me, but I ignored it. "It gets better," I said to her. I reached into the small fridge I keep in my room and pulled out two cold, amber bottles. I opened both and passed one to her.

A wide grin spread over her lips. "Pizza and beer." She laughed as she sat down on the sofa. "Most men would try to charm a lady with wine and roses. But you? A pepperoni pie and a cold one."

"You were always more the pizza and beer type than the wine and roses type," I picked up my own slice and took a seat across from her on the edge of my bed. "It's been a long few days, and I wasn't really sure when you'd last eaten." I gave her a pseudo-stern glare. "Take better care of yourself. That's an order."

"Yeah, yeah." She rolled her eyes and dragged her fingers through her hair. "I'll sleep and eat when this is all over. Trip—"

"—Is sound asleep and will be fine for a few hours. Look, we've spent all day talking about Trip. Let's talk about you for a minute."

"Jon." She sighed tiredly.

"No, quiet a minute," I interrupted her. "Let me speak." I paused for a moment, gathering my thoughts as I took a bite. "I owe you an apology."

Callie brought her bottle to her lips and took a long, deep drink. "Whatever for?" She rubbed her eyes. "You're not the one who's been crying on me for two days."

I took a deep breath. "You tried to tell me how difficult taking this post would be on you, and I blew you off. I see it now." I hesitated. "The emotional toll."

Her dark eyes darted away and she took a sudden, intense interest in her pizza. "I'm fine," she said flatly.

I knelt in front of her and took her hand in mine. "Callie…"

She set the crust of her slice aside. "I'm worn out. I'm raw. And I—"

"I know." I tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.

Callie closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I just need to get through the next few days."

I looked down for several moments, contemplating the situation. Standing, I went to the cabinet and pulled out another bottle of liquor.

Callie raised a brow. "Bourbon?" she asked. "It's been that kind of day?"

"You tell me." I poured us both a glass. "We're both exhausted and emotionally wrung out. I figured a little liquid fortification couldn't hurt."

She accepted the glass and took a swig. "I can't stand seeing him like this." She rubbed her eyes with the heel of her hand.

"I can't either." I took a drink from my own glass. "I love Trip too. Like I said to him, he's like a younger brother to me." I swirled the liquid in my glass and stared into. "He'll get through this. Trip is tough."

She gave me a pointed look. "And he has good friends to help him."

"And he has good friends to help him." I repeated, nodding.

We fell silent, each of us lost in our own thoughts. She'd leaned her head back against the chair, her lashes closed over her dark eyes. Another image flashed through my mind: Callie in a similar pose but entirely different location. Sleeping peacefully, her hair tousled and cheeks flushed as the early morning sun of Aruba touched her bare skin.

Damn.

I turned away. "Callie," I began hoarsely, "if you wanted to…stay. I mean, that would be okay." I coughed and rubbed the back of my neck. "I wouldn't mind. In fact I'd kind of enjoy—"

The offer died on my lips as I turned back around. She was limp, her breathing deep and even. I smiled and shook my head. The stress and strain of the past few days had caught up with her, and Callie had fallen fast asleep on my sofa.

So much for romantic interludes.

I debated whether or not I should wake her and send her back to her quarters, but she looked so peaceful, I didn't have the heart. I scooped her up instead.

"Jonathan," she murmured drowsily. She snuggled closer and drifted back off.

I tried not to grin as I deposited her on my bed and dropped a spare blanket over her shoulders. For a long time, I watched her, a pang of longing slicing through me. Finally I dragged my hand through my hair, sighed, and went to the bathroom.

One long, cold shower later I returned, now clad in sweatpants and a t-shirt. Crawling into the bed next to Callie crossed my mind, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead, I grabbed a pillow and a blanket, and stretched out on the couch.

"Sleeping on the couch and I don't even have my dog to keep me company," I muttered to myself.