CH14
"Carter MVA coming in by air let's go!" Susan yelled.
The helicopter doors opened and the EMT began to rattle off the history 25- year-old man with blunt abdominal trauma; "BP is 50 palp, there's two liters of saline in."
They rushed him into the ER.
"OK bag him," Carter yelled as soon as the intubation tube was in. "OK, I need a C-spine, abdominal series and a CT."
"O-neg. is on the way," Lydia said.
"OK lets give him two more liters saline," Susan said.
"It's probably his spleen!" Carter yelled. "Call the OR. Let's move him.
---------------------
'178, 179, 180,' Abby counted the tiles on her ceiling as she lay in bed trying to shut her mind off. She couldn't stop thinking about Carter moving in with her. She knew she would say yes, even if it scared her. They were practically living together anyway.
'Think about this Abby, you aren't going to have control over anything.'
Abby didn't need to curl up on the floor tonight - her heat wasn't working, she had all the blankets in the house on her bed, but that still wasn't enough. Her apartment was freezing. She figured it would happen on a night when Carter wasn't there to keep her warm.
Abby could feel her mood dropping.
'Abby get a grip. What the hell is your problem? You can't be thinking like this, you just did it two days in a row. Jesus Abby, you just got caught'
Abby was scared; she didn't want this.
'Do it Abby, you know there's a million reasons why you should look at everything you've been through in the last two days. You don't know how to deal with that.'
'I have Carter now. I can't let him down.'
'He'll never know, come on you just did it yesterday. He won't know. Think about it Abby, it's not a secret any more, you're not safe because you don't have control anymore. It was the only thing you had control over and now you don't. I know that makes you mad.'
'Of course it makes me mad,' Abby thought.
"Dammit!" Abby yelled out loud. The sound seemed to scare the apartment; it rang out in the silence.
'Don't cry Abby, don't you dare cry.'
Abby sat up and opened her nightstand; she pulled out a razor. Carter had thrown one of her razors out the night before, but he didn't know how many she had hidden all over the place. Abby held it in her hand and she immediately tensed up. She looked at it with shaking fingers. She wanted it so badly. Her arm started itching as though it could read her mind. That scared Abby. It always scared her because that's how she always knew she was going to do it; but this time it scared her because she didn't want to let Carter down, she didn't care about herself. If it was up to her she'd slice her arms to shreds.
Abby's left hand clenched together. She wanted to so it so badly, she could feel it.
'Don't you dare cry Abby. Cut yourself; sure you'll feel guilty but at least you won't cry.'
Abby closed her eyes trying to gather her strength. She was shaking. Suddenly Carter's face flashed before her. He was looking at her with those dark chocolate eyes; they were watching her, pleading with her. Abby threw the razor back in the drawer as though it had stung her.
"Dammit!" she yelled again and threw her pillows across the room. She was so angry.
Why did everything have to get so screwed up? Why did Carter have to show up and try to save her? Why did he have to love her?
'Don't you dare cry Abby!'
She felt like her whole life was falling apart; and now the one thing that she always turned towards to help her get through everything was becoming the cause of it all. She felt like she was falling; like that dream you always have where you keep falling but you never actually hit the ground. That's what her life felt like now; completely out of control. Abby was mad; she was mad at herself, she was mad at Carter. No, she wasn't mad at Carter, she was more than mad at Carter.
'I don't want to get better. Why did he do this? Why?'
Abby finally broke down and started crying. It only made her madder. She lay on her bed and cried. She had nothing, nothing at all.
"Carter MVA coming in by air let's go!" Susan yelled.
The helicopter doors opened and the EMT began to rattle off the history 25- year-old man with blunt abdominal trauma; "BP is 50 palp, there's two liters of saline in."
They rushed him into the ER.
"OK bag him," Carter yelled as soon as the intubation tube was in. "OK, I need a C-spine, abdominal series and a CT."
"O-neg. is on the way," Lydia said.
"OK lets give him two more liters saline," Susan said.
"It's probably his spleen!" Carter yelled. "Call the OR. Let's move him.
---------------------
'178, 179, 180,' Abby counted the tiles on her ceiling as she lay in bed trying to shut her mind off. She couldn't stop thinking about Carter moving in with her. She knew she would say yes, even if it scared her. They were practically living together anyway.
'Think about this Abby, you aren't going to have control over anything.'
Abby didn't need to curl up on the floor tonight - her heat wasn't working, she had all the blankets in the house on her bed, but that still wasn't enough. Her apartment was freezing. She figured it would happen on a night when Carter wasn't there to keep her warm.
Abby could feel her mood dropping.
'Abby get a grip. What the hell is your problem? You can't be thinking like this, you just did it two days in a row. Jesus Abby, you just got caught'
Abby was scared; she didn't want this.
'Do it Abby, you know there's a million reasons why you should look at everything you've been through in the last two days. You don't know how to deal with that.'
'I have Carter now. I can't let him down.'
'He'll never know, come on you just did it yesterday. He won't know. Think about it Abby, it's not a secret any more, you're not safe because you don't have control anymore. It was the only thing you had control over and now you don't. I know that makes you mad.'
'Of course it makes me mad,' Abby thought.
"Dammit!" Abby yelled out loud. The sound seemed to scare the apartment; it rang out in the silence.
'Don't cry Abby, don't you dare cry.'
Abby sat up and opened her nightstand; she pulled out a razor. Carter had thrown one of her razors out the night before, but he didn't know how many she had hidden all over the place. Abby held it in her hand and she immediately tensed up. She looked at it with shaking fingers. She wanted it so badly. Her arm started itching as though it could read her mind. That scared Abby. It always scared her because that's how she always knew she was going to do it; but this time it scared her because she didn't want to let Carter down, she didn't care about herself. If it was up to her she'd slice her arms to shreds.
Abby's left hand clenched together. She wanted to so it so badly, she could feel it.
'Don't you dare cry Abby. Cut yourself; sure you'll feel guilty but at least you won't cry.'
Abby closed her eyes trying to gather her strength. She was shaking. Suddenly Carter's face flashed before her. He was looking at her with those dark chocolate eyes; they were watching her, pleading with her. Abby threw the razor back in the drawer as though it had stung her.
"Dammit!" she yelled again and threw her pillows across the room. She was so angry.
Why did everything have to get so screwed up? Why did Carter have to show up and try to save her? Why did he have to love her?
'Don't you dare cry Abby!'
She felt like her whole life was falling apart; and now the one thing that she always turned towards to help her get through everything was becoming the cause of it all. She felt like she was falling; like that dream you always have where you keep falling but you never actually hit the ground. That's what her life felt like now; completely out of control. Abby was mad; she was mad at herself, she was mad at Carter. No, she wasn't mad at Carter, she was more than mad at Carter.
'I don't want to get better. Why did he do this? Why?'
Abby finally broke down and started crying. It only made her madder. She lay on her bed and cried. She had nothing, nothing at all.