Chapter 14: Distrust
Shinji originally wanted me in jail for what I tried to do, but he soon came around and just had me under house arrest until 'further notice'. I still don't remember what exactly happened – the last memory I have was of him turning blue and starting to bleed. Moments after that, everything goes black… according to the NERV security guard outside my door, I was hit with a powerful taser by the security that was apparently watching the house. It's been three days in this house, and I've yet to speak to anyone but the guard, which has only been twice in the first day. Everything else has been silent – no television, no radio, nothing what so ever. My clothes were delivered to me yesterday, and meals are brought to me twice a day; lunch and dinner. They don't trust me even in the slightest, so there are cameras watching my every move in every room… originally, I couldn't sleep with that thought, but I've grown used to it.
All of this silence has certainly given me time to think – time to wonder what exactly was going through my mind. I still hate him so much I can't even think about it without my heart racing, but for me to go as far as to try and kill him… he'd be dead right now if the security wasn't around. Would I have regretted it? I can't tell at this point… right now, I wish I had killed him. I know very well that he's the source of my pain, of all my pain, and I just can't be around him any longer! I wasn't just talking out of nowhere, I really did do all of that for him – I realized that as I said the words. I know it's not healthy to think that way, but it's true… and I hate it.
In my mind, I've completely decided what I'm going to do when I get out of this house – I'm going back to the only thing that's made me happy, even if it's short term. Nothing has kept me happy as long as that, so I suppose it's as good as my life can get. I really need to make it a point to continue to taking these estrogen pills at night, regardless if I'm shooting up or not. Every time I think about it my skin crawls a little… I'm going to have to get back in the old habits of dealing with the general pain of it all… Shinji, or anyone else at NERV for that matter, doesn't know about my intentions. As far as they're concerned, I'm piloting as soon as they let me again. However, the moment that guard leaves, I'm out of here… I can't wait!
Hikari sent me a letter yesterday, apologizing for what she indirectly caused. I don't think that I'll ever be able to forgive her, regardless of how hard I try; she's the reason I'm here. She knows me – she knows that I would have gotten over it with time! She also said that she'll be coming over today… I don't plan on speaking to her what so ever. If I do, I really have no idea what I could end up doing to her; I've already shown myself to be violent right now.
"Miss Soryu?" the semi-familiar voice of the guard rang through the closed door.
"Yes?" I was only sitting on the sofa, looking out the window in my lounging clothes as I always do.
"You have a visitor. Ayanami, Rei," her? What's she doing here?
"Let her in," he opened the door to reveal Rei in her normal school clothes. Is school out for her already? A quick glance at the clock let me know that it was already three in the afternoon… these hours pass like nothing.
"Asuka," she began to speak as he closed the door, "Would you mind if I speak to you again?" there's no way she knows what happened… she wouldn't be here if she did.
"Sure, sure. What's going on? How's Jake?" yeah, there's no way she knows; she's way too calm. She took a seat in the chair across from me, read for any more advice I can give. I can't just turn this girl away – she trusts my opinion, and no one else is willing to help her. Plus, I have to admit, she's growing on me in an odd way.
"It actually doesn't have anything to do with him this time. I wanted to ask you something a little more personal, if that would be alright," I give her the welcoming hand signal she's grown so used to, "Who are you?"
"I'm sorry? What do you mean?" how the hell am I supposed to answer that?
"Who are you? Where did you come from? What have you done? You know almost everything about me, but I know almost nothing about you. I would greatly appreciate it if you were to tell me," what's with her sudden interest? She normally couldn't care less… I suppose some social skill is starting to rub off on her.
"Well… I guess I'll just start at birth. I was a test tube baby; by that I mean that my mother went to a sperm bank to get fertilized. Long story short, I started working for the German branch of NERV; she died shortly after," I left out the long, uninteresting portions on purpose – I didn't really want to be telling her this, but I can tell it matters to her, "Then I came here to pilot with Shinji and yo-.. Toji," crap! Almost made a huge slip up! "Then… listen, I'm sorry, but why do you care? Where is this coming from?"
"There has been a lot of negative talk about you around NERV, and I don't see any of the things they say about you. Logically, I must be missing something," three days and there's already gossip going around?
"What exactly are they saying about me?" her opinion of me has changed from whatever they've told her – she's not acting the same.
"I'm not at liberty to say," I lean forward and give her a strong stare, "I'd… rather not repeat, if that is okay with you."
"Fine, whatever. Are we done here?" I lay back onto the sofa, trying to ignore her as much as possible. What, did she think that she could walk in here and ask anything she wanted without question? Like hell! She sat silent for a moment, which seemed like an eternity to me when there's a creepy little girl in my room.
"Did… you enjoy it? Is it worth it?" I turn my head to see her blushing, staring at the ground.
"What's 'it'?" I'm seriously not about to have the sex talk with Rei – that's just crossing the line. If she and Jake are at that point already, let them, I couldn't care less.
"The… drugs that you used to do. Are they worth it?" so that's what this is really about – she's seeing if what she's been told it true. Fine, if she wants the story, I'm going to give it to her! I sit up and look at her once again.
"I don't know what they've been telling you there, but I'm sure it's not flattering. You want the story of my life? Here it is; I was a prostitute for almost three years, and I've shot up just about anything you can get a reaction off of. Is that what they've been telling you? Hm?" she slowly nodded her head, still staring at the ground, "And you're asking me if it was worth it?"
"I… just wanted to know how you feel about your past actions. I realize that-"
"You don't realize anything, so don't pretend to have empathy. Tell me something Rei, you're still a virgin, right?" she stayed silent, "Well, let me guess – you're saving that for someone special, aren't you?" once again, that annoying silence, "I lost mine to Shinji, and I don't regret it, but do you know who the next person I slept with was?" she slowly shook her head, "Neither do I – I can't remember. Am I making myself clear? I don't pretend to hide anything about myself, and while I may not be proud of it, that's what happened. So tell your little friends back at NERV that they can talk about me all they want, because I just don't care anymore," I managed to keep my voice calm the entire time; I didn't want that guard to come in thinking that something was happening.
"I still respect your opinion," she randomly blurted out after a brief pause.
"What?" I instantly knew that my response was much too harsh in tone.
"I still respect you as a person, Miss Soryu, if that makes a difference," she rubbed her left eye with the back of her wrist as she stood up, obviously intending to leave, "I'll… see you at NERV when you come back," she stops for a moment before opening the door, "Okay?"
"Yeah…" she smiled that same smile that only I could see before leaving, once again leaving me in the room alone. Why did I blow up at her like that? She's only a kid – of course she's confused about what's going on! I mean hell, she probably doesn't even know what half of the things I just said meant… great, now I'm going to have to apologize… I hear two people talking outside, but I can't make out what they're saying in the least. I assumed it was Rei and the guard, but my suspicions were soon dashed when the guard once again spoke.
"Miss Soryu, you have another guest," his voice faded as he spoke to the other person, "Sir, are you sure?" there's no way… "Okay then," the guard opened the door to show Shinji, dressed in his commander uniform.
"Get out of here…" I whisper extremely softly, but I knew he could hear. He simply stood there, staring down at me. His entire neck was purple and blue, and I was able to make out the shape of my hands in the color. The whites of his eyes were almost completely bloodshot, and he still looked pale somehow. He must have stood there for an entire minute, locking me in a condescending gaze that made me want to attack him all over again, "What do you want?"
"Stay away from NERV, and stay away from my employees. I'm cutting you off – you're not fit to be a pilot," I stand up furiously, but stay in my place, "Watch your temper; the guard outside has no taser, only a gun."
"I was told I could still pilot," I clench my fists, creating a self inflicted physical pain as to keep me away from giving him any, "What's changed?"
"My mind. I've decided that you are far too unstable to pilot; you were barely usable when you were a child," I could feel my eyes glassing up not from sadness, but from an anger that I couldn't show any other way, "You should be happy to know that I'm allowing you to live here, free of charge."
"Shove it…" he can take this apartment and go to hell!
"I understand your anger, as I'm sure you understand mine," I finally burst out, unable to take his smug look any longer.
"What the hell do you have to be angry about?!" the door instantly opens to show the guard, ready for anything. Shinji turns his head to speak to him.
"I want you to stay outside, do you understand?" the guard simply nods and closes the door, leaving me, once again, with the man I loathe and adore, "I will admit, I was in the wrong for saying we were nothing more than coworkers. I will not, however, condone your actions."
"You were mocking me and you know it!"
"What did you want me to do? Let you go back to that life?" he finally shows some emotion on his face, though I couldn't tell if it was anger or sorrow, "The only thing that gets through to you is when people insult you! Why can't you just accept help?"
"Because your help has strings attached…" he took a breath to say something, but as always, he cut himself off before saying something apparently inappropriate.
"I'm not getting into this with you. I'm not going to pretend like I don't care about you, but you just need some serious help, which I'm willing to provide. I'm giving you the choice right now; if you want to go back to the life you used to have, I'll give you a ride to the house right now – it's still an extremely active drug medium. However, if you so choose, you…" he lowers his head and shakes it, "You can come back to live with me, because I want to make you better," I see a tear fall from his nose and onto the carpet, though I couldn't see his eyes.
"So, you're giving me an ultimatum, is that it?" he stays silent as he raises his head, showing me his face of sorrow, "You expect me to come running back to you? Just because…" I feel my heart sink before I even say it, making me pause slightly, "Just because I love you doesn't mean I don't hate you…"
"Asuka… please, just come home," for once, I'm seeing him beg for something he apparently truly wants. In all honesty, I wanted to go with him for that brief moment – to just ignore everything that's happened and go back to what things should and used to be. I wanted that… but I know that the road I'm on doesn't go forward. I'm in an infinite loop of self loathing and distrust to everyone I care about. I wanted to go with him, but it's just not fated for me…
"I don't want to see you try to save me again," his eyes widen at my words, "I don't want your help, so don't come to the rescue. This will be the last time you see the house, understand?" I made my way to my room as I spoke, where three suitcases still lay on the floor from when my clothes were brought over. I grabbed the smallest one, knowing that I'll need something to change into when I get there. When I got back out into the living room, he was still standing there, only with his eyes closed.
"Don't do this Asuka…"
"You act like you see me any other way. Say what you want, but you and I both know that the only way you'll ever see me is as an addict. I can't live with that, and I can't live with anything else that's going on," he looks at me with almost begging eyes, "It's this or I put a gun in my mouth, because I just can't take it anymore," oddly enough, I was completely calm as I said that.
Though he tried to fight it, he accepted my decision, and we were soon leaving the house. I saw Rei watching my apartment from across the complex, never even making so much as a move as I left. She may be young, but I'm sure she knows what's happening… she'll be fine, Shinji's just as good at advice as I am, when he's not trying to manipulate you that is. I got into his car without a word, and the entire drive was in complete silence. I had no idea where I was, and apparently we were either quite far from the house or he intentionally made the trip long enough to where I might have changed my mind.
I didn't.
Was I nervous? Absolutely; I had absolutely no idea what to expect. What if the leader of the house is worse than Dee? What if there's an overcrowding? What if they won't even take me? I don't see that happening though… a pretty girl like me is always welcome in a place like that. At least that's what Dee used to say… my mind kept going back and forth between my options, and I simply couldn't decide. I knew that my time was short on changing my mind if needed, because the neighborhoods were beginning to look familiar. I look over at Shinji to see him with a completely blank expression; he's always bottled up any kind of negative emotion.
"I'm… going to miss you, ya know," I finally broke the silence with the first thing that came to mind, which made me look even more insane than I already did.
"You too," his voice was that of someone who just got done crying, but not a single tear had fallen this entire ride.
"I mean, it's not like I didn't enjoy being with you. It was fun," I smile through the awkwardness, almost pleading with him to say something that'll change my mind, "I'll miss it."
"Remember when we were training to fight that Angel that could split in two? You were so angry at me for not being able to get the dance that you just ran off," he laughed a little as he spoke, "You were such a brat, and Kaji made me go talk to you under that gazebo. Do you remember what I said?"
"Not really…" what the hell is he talking about? I wanted him to change my mind, not reminisce!
"I said that you didn't have to force yourself. You… just need to stop taking on the world by yourself. Ask for help. Ask for advice. Ask for some sort of help, for once," there was once again silence – I had no idea what to say, "I can't imagine what it's like to be so lonely."
"I'm not lonely," we finally pull up to the all too familiar house, and I was left staring out the window at it, unable to move a single muscle.
"Asuka…" I turn to see him looking at me intently, "You're not alone, I want you to understand that. I'm not just saying this, okay? I need you to understand that I'm here for you, even though it doesn't feel like it at times. When you came back, I was so happy, you have no idea," he laughed through the last sentence, forcing a smile out of me, "I mean, up until I saw you again, I always thought that what we had was just this little high school crush. Like a first love that you can't let go… but when I saw you in that house…" he shakes his head, as if he was shaking away the thought, "Listen to me," in an act that took me completely by surprise, he takes my hand with both of his, "If you walk out of this car, you're going to die."
"I know…" I cut him off before he could continue, not liking that I haven't said a word so far.
"But if we go back home…" out of seemingly nowhere, he slides an absolutely beautiful ring onto the appropriate finger, "We can take care of each other."
I couldn't help but cry.
A/N – Short chapter, yes, but I enjoyed it quite a bit, and it got what needed to be done accomplished. Like it? Hate it? I think that this chapter was the polar opposite of the last one, so I can see how most of you would be a little blown away. Anyway, check out the next chapter, Lonely Together; until then, keep on keepin' on!