I Dreamed A Dream
I dream a dream. A beautiful dream. Everything is beautiful and at peace. Everybody is laughing—not at me, but with me. I am tall dark and movie star handsome. I have dense silky smooth chest hair and I smell of musk. My teeth are snow-white and I am smiling as brightly as the sun. I look like a mixture of Tom Cruise , Matthew McConaughey, and Bradley Cooper. I look like Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman. I am wearing a thousand-dollar suit and my shoes are handmade in Italy. I am about to get married. I am going to walk down the aisle and wait for my sweet delicious Cupcake, my darling Stephanie. We have been through a lot, and nothing can ever tear us apart. We are meant for each other. We are a match made in Heaven. I make her a grilled cheese sandwich whenever she can not sleep and we will share that glass of milk. I apply first aid ointment to her gaping wound whenever she cuts herself while cooking for me, and no, she won't die of infection and I will save a trip to the ER. I hook my finger into her collar and peek at her breasts, and she thinks it's most romantic and cute. I have sex with her while she is soundly asleep, and she thinks our relationship is stronger than any date rape drug. We eat pizza, drink beer, watch TV, and then we have sex whether she's awake or not. We are so happy that we almost die.
I am a better police detective than Lucas Davenport, Virgil Flowers, Harry Bosch, and John McClane. She is a better housewife than Martha Stewart and a better cook than Julia Child. We paint my little cozy lovely house pink, and we have a rose garden in the front yard. Every evening when I arrive home at 5:59, she will be waiting for me on the porch in the sexy cute little pink lace apron. The pot roast won't be too dry or overcooked. The mashed potatoes and gravy will taste like Heaven. She will serve me chocolate chip cookies and coffee after diner. We will watch the Mets game together and have a quickie during the 7th inning stretch. She will say I am the best and most amazing lover in the world. She will say I am magic and every woman's dream. She won't say I am a child molester in disguise. She won't say I am a sex predator who feigns innocence. She won't say I am a violent angry man. She will let me cuff her naked to our shower curtain rod. She will laugh and squeal happily while I trash everything we have. She will yelps excitedly when I roar and raise my hand to slap her. She will say we are just as perfect as Jersey Shore. And we will be so happy that we almost die.
The church bells toll. My heartbeat quickens. My precious Cupcake, my beautiful lovely Stephanie walks down the aisle toward me in an ivory wedding dress. OMG, she looks just like a combination of Snooki, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and Lindsay Lohan. Her mother cries happy tears and blows her nose. My Grandma Bella stands up and starts singing The Phantom of the Opera and American Pie. Everybody claps and cheers. My loyal playful drooling dog Bob raises his head and howls. I am smiling like a happy idiot. My precious Cupcake shyly looks at me and blushes.I take hold of her hand and slide the ring onto her slender finger. The priest announces us as husband and wife. I lean forward to kiss my precious Cupcake, my beautiful bride. And then all of a sudden my Cupcake, my preciousssssss morphs into Joyce. I try to jump back. I scream in terror. But Joyce has me in her evil clutches. With blood-red lips she sucks the life and soul and happiness out of me. Oh Lord, I know I am so doomed...
With a thump I drop off my bed to the floor and scare myself awake. I am soaked in cold sweat. I feel desperate. I feel frightened. I am all alone inside my dark bedroom. I am naked and bruised and battered. My furry body is covered with bite marks and nail scratches. The air smells of Chanel No.5, Joyce's favorite. Bob ran away to my mother's house this afternoon. Joyce will be moving in with me tomorrow. And we are going to get married in 6 months. My mother wants 6 grandchildren: 3 boys, 3 girls. I weep in the darkness. My silent tears flood down my cheeks. I just want to be happy. I just want to be loved. I just want to spend the rest of my life with the one I love. I just want to hold my Cupcake's slender white hand. I just want to kiss Ranger's soft perfect lips. I just want—wait a minute, what did I just say? I want to hold my Cupcake's slender white hand...I want to kiss WHOSE soft perfect lips? No no no no no no no! I am not gay! I am heterosexual! I may be bipolar but I am definitely not bisexual! Oh God. Oh Lord. I am a hairy police detective, for Christ's sake! I may be allured by Ranger's good looks and power and money, but I am absolutely not attracted to him sexually! I just want to know how it feels like to drive his sleek expensive sexy cars. I just want to know how it feel like to wear that painted-on black t-shirt. I just want to know how it feels to slam bad guys into the wall. I just want to know how it feel like to carry 2 guns and a knife all the time. I just want to run my hand through his smooth straight hair...I just want to reach out my hands and feel his rock-hard abs...I just want to press myself into him and feel the heat of his perfect muscular mouthwatering Mocha Latte body...I just...I just...I just...
No no no no no no no! I am not gay! No no no no no no no! I am an engaged man! I am am soon to be married! I will be happy with the woman my mother has chosen for me! I will be fulfilled! I will be contented! I will be the father of our 6 beautiful children! I will be a loyal husband! I will be a good son and good father! I will not end up like my father! I will not break my mother's heart and cheat on my wife! I am not like my brother, uncles, and cousins! I have overcome the infamous Morelli curse! I shall never become a drunkard and gambler. I shall never betray my the mother of my children. I shall never abandon my children. I shall never walk away from my responsibility and obligation. I am an honest, decent man. I am polite and am friendly to all my neighbors. I do my job and pay my taxes.
But why oh God why can't someone write my life into a real life fairy tale? Why do I have to marry Joyce Barnhardt, the curse of my life and the bane of my existence? Why me? Why? Why? WHY?