AN: Ugh…you wouldn't believe how many times I scrapped and rewrote this particular chapter. I tried to showcase the five stages of grief correctly, but the pacing always felt rushed and awkward. I feel horrible for not finishing this sooner, but on the bright side, 'tis the season to be jolly. Merry Christmas everyone!
Occhio per occhio, dente per dente. (An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth).
-013-
Night wrapped the godforsaken city in its grasp as I wandered aimlessly, never once looking back on the people I left behind. I had more pressing matters plaguing my mind to care about where my nomadic heart led. 'What should I do? Should I send them home, but die in the process? Should I prolong my inevitable death at the cost of stranding them here?' Endlessly, these questions surged through my mind. What took a minute fervently trying to find a solution felt an eternity.
Ultimately it came down to, 'Does my life outweigh theirs?'
I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I don't want to die…!
I clutched my head trying to cage any remaining semblance of sanity I had left in the world, yet wanting to scream my heart out.
Even if it wasn't the first time I've contemplated death…it did naught to change the verity of my fear. No doubt my companions would be dauntless in the face of any devil or god, but I was not carved from the template of a hero. I am neither Prometheus nor a creation of his generous will. Nay, I would sooner snuff out the flame in my palms or perish in the all-consuming fire of creation. All I am is a harbinger of misfortune to those close to me.
Gig, Ragna, Revya, Jian, Ling, Mother, Father, Luca, Rozalin, Sybil…I've done nothing but ruin their lives with my corrosive existence. These hands of mine are capable only of ruin! Why then am I so hesitant to destroy my own? Why do I grieve so? Our lives are ephemeral after all. No sooner are we born before one foot is situated in the grave. Such is the paradox of living. There are myriad ways to live as there are to die; finding meaning to birth and bloodshed is a fool's errand. Millions live in poverty, millions die in wars, yet a single life is deemed insignificant if not recorded in the annals of history.
We run ever onward in the chaotic, seemingly endless spiral...but now my own march alongside humanity has henceforth led to a dead-end. I cannot accept the burden knowing that my meager years spent on this earth amounted to nothing; the mere notion rankle the soul, if such a thing truly exists. How eagerly do I wish to be a fool! I wish to be ignorant and cast aside the malady of these uncertain thoughts that plague me so!
Wracked with indecision, I gave in to my selfish request to lash out and abate my spite. I struck a nearby steel lamppost with the side of my fist. My eyes grew in shock as I learned of the horror I created. I hit it with enough force to bend it, reminding me of how much of a walking abomination I was forced to be.
I, consumed by rage, lashed out and destroyed everything within my wake. Laid out before my spiteful eyes, everything within my path seemed an obstruction. My anger knew no restraint and I was imbued with strength befitting of a demon, smashing window panes, desecrating buildings and roadways with but a wayward punch. But being made of a mortal coil, my knuckles bled from the strain.
As I brought ruin, a high-pitched screech reverberated in my ears and my left arm burned with ardent insistence, as if punishment for giving in to childish rage. I clutched at it franticly, the pain and noise escalating in intensity. My head and hands became slicked with a sweat colder than a fraud's frozen prison and my heart palpitated; the onset of hyperventilation was nigh. My body felt as lead, bringing me to my knees.
"My arm…! Agrh! Damn it! Why must you betray me now, too? WHY NOW?"
Blackened barbs sprang forth from my palm; tendrils overwrapped the swathes around the hand, spreading rapidly like a virus to the entire limb. They burrowed deep beneath the flesh and dyed it a sickening black, the color of death. The aching brought me to tears, corrosive acid coursed through my veins.
The power bestowed upon me went haywire, transparent distortions like gusts of razor-sharp wind seeped from my arm. The serpentine emersions spread out and ate away at everything. Buildings were cleanly cut as if swallowed by a black hole. Whether concrete or steel, it mattered little of their foundation, all they touched no longer ceased to be.
My environs faded in and out of my sight. Light and shadow coiled around me as a chiaroscuro painting. My screams became distorted. And for a brief moment, everything stopped existing. There was nothing. If I had died then, I did not know. I had no memories to speak of, no eyes to see out of, and no mouth to scream with. Time did not freeze nor did it move. All was in a state before the universe was created.
Tapestries of life rebound and I returned to the state I knew, as if the dreaded power had never been released. But it had and I knew it painstakingly well. A spherical crater had been etched below my feet and the buildings showed signs still of having underwent the same.
I stumbled, shaken and dizzy, over to a rusted chain link fence.
I slumped against the fence, utterly exhausted. The obsidian color tainting my arm receded back to the wounded palm. I lowered my head, broken beyond words.
Was this my fate then? Every attempt to rebel may as well be void? Perhaps it truly was futile to cling to a life fated to disappear…
In the distance I heard the sound of approaching footsteps. A pair was heading my way, one light on their feet, and the other sturdy. Lifting my head, their distinct feet obscured my view of the decimated alleyway.
"Hey Drama Queen, you done brooding yet?" asked a caustic voice above me.
The disembodied voice shook me from my dejection momentarily.
"…Why are you guys here?"
Upon meeting them eye to eye, all attending looked at me with what I thought was fear. Did something about my appearance catch them off-guard?
"I…," Revya shook her head. "We were worried about you."
"How did you even find me?"
"We're not deaf or blind, ya know," Ragna said.
Revya briefly scanned her surroundings. "This destruction…was it your doing?"
I said not a word; trepidation held them back.
"Dark, oh thank goodness you're all right!"
Nyx ran over in a girlish gait with a hand over her heart while Metis acted as her umbra.
"Look at that, the whole self-esteem team decided to show up," Gig said.
Nyx estranged me. She severed the bond we shared, pulled it apart by the thread. All my animosity, all my sorrow, all my scorn went to her and her alone! She was a thorn in my side in a field of brambles; blindly following a corrupt deity. What right did she have to show herself to me then?
Nyx brought both hands to her ruby lips at the sight of my wounds.
"Y-You're hands…! What happened? Does it hurt? Here let me help—"
"Stay the hell away from me!"
I slapped away her offered hand and ambled past the lot of them. I glared at Nyx like a beaten dog. "You've done enough 'help' as it is! Everything you do only makes things worse. If you want to help, then get out of my sight!"
I glanced down at the shards of glass littering the area. Scarlet stones in place of the cerulean gems of my lineage shimmered back. Revolted, I crushed the image underfoot.
"Look around you…look at what you've done to me! You've turned me into a goddamn monster like you!"
"…Are you scared?"
What the hell kind of question is that?
"I'm being forced to choose how I'm going to die! Who the hell wouldn't be scared?"
Gig scoffed derisively. "You must think it's a real hoot to throw yourself a pity party, but seriously, it's pathetic. What are you, a kid? Get over yourself."
"Shut up! I wouldn't expect you to understand what I'm going through! Hell, you're probably enjoying this!"
"Keep dreaming, pal. I don't know what kind of sick shit you're into, but watching a grown man acting like a little pussy ain't my idea of a good time."
"…"
Ragna, perhaps sensing my decision to do something rash, stepped in. "Even if you don't like Gig running his mouth, he's got a point. Nothing's gonna change if you just escape from this."
"You think I don't know that? I understand more than anyone here."
"Then don't sulk around like everything's hopeless. We'll figure out a way to save you." Ragna punched his palm. "Count on us."
His words echoed Nyx's duplicitous pleas of trust. I was seeing red, blood boiling, my left arm suddenly writhing.
"Liar…! You don't care about me. All you care about is returning home. I bet you're just dying to see me give up my life for your sakes!"
"How can you say that?" Revya accosted.
"Am I wrong? Take a good look at your arm, Revy! He doesn't give a damn about you or me. He wants me dead! …I bet you think I'm a nuisance too. Why else would you avoid me if you didn't? I understand completely. Then come on, kill me where I stand!"
Their countenances soured at my remark. Revya furrowed her brows and approached me. I figured she was going to share meaningless words of sentiment in my direction, but instead she clenched her fist until it was white and socked me hard across the face. Gig whistled, amused at the bold move.
"Dark!"
Nyx attempted to run to my side but Ragna abruptly stopped her with an outstretched arm. My legs quivered, but they remained unyielding to collapse. I rubbed my cheek nonplussed.
Revya shook her head. "…Have you snapped out of it yet? We were brought here for a reason, to help you, to protect you. Don't you trust us? Wake up!"
"I don't think I'll ever trust anyone ever again…"
She raised her right arm as if to strike me again. I braced myself for another hit, but she softly placed an index finger on my chest.
"Is that what your heart believes? Or what you're feeling right now?"
I glanced away abashed as a scolded child would.
Of all the words to choose…
The irony pained me. I had run the entire ran gamut of emotions to and fro so often that any spark of emotion didn't appear genuine. I was lost, at the edge of a precipice.
"Every path has its share of suffering, I know," she said with warm temperament. "But on that night we met, you taught me something I'll always hold dear. If I gave in to despair, my friends and family's efforts would be for naught. When you held me close, you reminded me to remain strong in the face of that temptation. It was thanks to you that I'm able to move forward without fear. I owe you my sword if not my life."
Ragna nodded. "It humiliates me to admit it, but you two had a chance to kill me when I was down, but you didn't take it. It took me a while, but I know now how much of a hot-headed jackass I was. Back then, I said not to expect any more favors from me…well, it's not like I have a choice at this point; You're not gonna die while we're around."
"…Though you mean well, your words ring hollow after what she's done to me… It would be in your best interest to hold a blade to my throat. Revy, I've already cost you an arm and Ragna I've caused you trouble enough. Don't go and toss aside your lives for my sake too. There's no point in saving a dead-man."
"But you're not dead." Revya pressed an open palm to my chest. "As long as your heart still beats you should never give up."
As I looked down at this woman, compassionate and strong, I noticed my dull stare reflected in her earnest eyes. The cursed crimson possessing my gaze quailed under such empathy, the color became as the bright sky, returning my humanity.
"Yo, uh, mongoloid? I'm sure this is a really tender and heartwarming moment for the both of you, but is any of this actually getting through that thick skull of yours? The kid here actually took the time to come up with enough schmaltzy crap to fill thirty self-help pamphlets and you're still staring off into space."
She withdrew her hand; a pink shade filled her cheeks as she played with her hair. Hard to believe such a girl was able to best Ragna.
"…You worried for me that much?"
"Of course."
This woman before me, flustered and pure, deemed me worthy of her protection. The regretful Reaper at her side implored me to worry not.
"I'm such a goddamn idiot…I'm sorry, truly I am. All my life I've been nothing but an unwanted burden. …But what can I possibly do? Even with these powers, what can I possibly accomplish?"
"Fight alongside us."
I was taken aback at her response, though I soon regained a composed expression.
Gig laughed louder than ever before. "Hahahaha, oh shit, that's golden! Now that's a plan I can get behind!"
Struck by self-reproach, Ragna scratched his head. "Shit, I oughta sock myself for not thinking of this sooner…I'm all for picking a bone with authority."
"W-W-What! That's inconceivable!" Nyx, the devil's advocate, opposed the notion in a zealous display of gesticulations. "Opposing the Creator is simply out of the question!"
It all became clear to me within that fleeting instant. Was I to believe the composer of cacophony, humanity's vice and virtue, ordained its creation to disappear on a caprice? A creator had no right to toy with its fabrications. "Is the answer really that simple? Is it possible…to slay a god?"
"No…Dark, don't tell me you're actually considering this!"
"Give me one good reason why I should listen to you! I'd sooner doubt my own feelings than theirs. Unlike you, they haven't done anything to break my trust."
Revya stepped aside.
"That's why you gave me these powers isn't it? You couldn't stay content with being a mere servant? Couldn't bear to watch the injustice of a master sit on their ass while your favorite little mortal suffered?"
"You're not thinking clearly in your condition…"
"You have no one to blame but yourself for that! Take responsibility for your own actions before you try to lecture me."
"S-Stop it..."
A god's gift of creation may not be mine to partake, but her guile methods have made me their equal.
"That is only fitting end for a negligent Creator."
"Listen to reason! Metis, help me talk them out of this!"
"Calculating…The probability of success is less than desired. Interface highly suggests formulation of alternate contingencies."
"Don't get your panties in a knot," Gig said. "If we all fought together, there'd be no one in the friggin' cosmos that could stop us!"
"This isn't a matter of overcoming an opponent with force. It's folly, as pointless as trying to stop the march of time!"
Though time is doubtless everlasting, it is possible to stop the hands of a clock. Her childish insistence in winning my favor was in vain.
"Compelling argument coming from the girl whose sister can warp reality without a second thought. Why do you insist on lying to us?"
Nyx struggled as she groped for an actual educated response.
"Nyx!"
She was released from the reverie that had grabbed hold of her. "Why…? Why do you take their word over mine…? Please, Dark—"
"That's not my name, damn it! I don't need you reminding me of the name you stole! You took everything from me, from us, and it's high time we took something precious from you!"
"…If that is your wish…if that's what it will take for you to accept me back into your heart…then I…will respect your decision. However, tread carefully to know this is not a choice to be taken lightly. The repercussions of attempting this…may not only affect your dimension, but the entirety of existence."
"So be it! Better to die for a purpose than live without one. I'd been living a meaningless life up until now, dark…empty, rocked to sleep by the cries of anguish from those I had devastated. But no night is devoid of stars…you illuminated my night, however brief, but I see now you were nothing but a star that already faded. I'll see to it that no one else wishes upon a dead star."
I would not go gentle into the night.
"Your words wound me…perhaps it would be best if you all slept on this decision." Nyx turned away from us and paced onward, Metis obediently followed.
"Where the hell do you think you two are going?" Ragna asked.
"Ask not of a lady's affairs…On the day the observations are completed, we will be summoned back to our realm. In that time we can take you along, if you remain resolute about this. But…I will only bring you there, not raise a hand against our master."
Nyx hid her crestfallen expression. A single tear consoled her cheek. "You accuse me of thievery and speak of taking something dear…yet you succeeded the moment I laid eyes on you…"
Metis made a deft movement and the pair vanished into a swirling vortex.
"Hey! Argh, damn them both...," Ragna muttered.
"Leave them be," I said.
"You sure it's okay to let those two go?"
"Truth be told, I really don't care if they show their faces again. Even so, I'm certain they'll return…"
"Tch, well this wouldn't be the first time a girl left me in the dark. Anyway, whadda we supposed to do now? It's not like we can storm their headquarters just yet."
"Then the answer should be clear. We prepare. Formidable fighters though you are, I hardly think we're ready. We should use the time we have to strengthen ourselves."
"Heheheh, how sacrilegious! I can't wait to add god-slaying to my resume!" Gig shouted gleefully.
Ragna crossed his arms boldly. "Like it or not, looks like we're all in this for the long haul. Besides, I don't intend on dying just yet… There're things I need to take care of, after all. "
All the pain in my left hand faded, but it called out for blood. From that moment onward, the desire to be sated with blood never left me.
I turned to see Revya look at me with a bitter smile, a twinge of regret showing in her eyes…
We returned to the apartments with solemn expressions. I waited for my companions to be lulled to sleep by the sonnets of wind and crickets before escaping for the roof. Lying there on that cobblestone rooftop, as the roughness of the stone prodded at my spine, I came to realize that the grass from long ago would remain nothing more than a memory.
"I could use a friggin' drink…"
The distant moon seemed within my grasp. I reached out with my left hand and captured the moon's ivory image in my palm.
"Just you wait…I'll wipe the slate of this corrupted world clean…with this last sinful act."
Everything I took for granted was coming to an end, and I was defiant pawn that made it possible. I knew not if our power combined could overthrow this Creator from its ethereal throne, nor did I know what fate awaited us should we succeed. But an ember stoking my heart made everything seem possible. These uncertainties weighed down upon my eyelids, as a curtain call ushers in the interim.
~ Severed Red Bonds: END ~