The few months after the disaster with Anders were tense between Marian and Cullen. She knew he was still furious at her. Marian understood that what she had done was wrong; that she shouldn't have gone with Anders that day, knowingly following him into the Gallows in secret, and that she certainly shouldn't have allowed him to kill those templars. But Ser Alrik had been a raving lunatic and from what she had learned later he had been one of the templars that found pleasure in terrorizing mages. After examining her actions and speaking with Isabela, blast it, even Aveline had agreed with her, Marian knew that she had done the right thing. She had saved that girl. She had probably saved countless other mages from Ser Alrik's tyranny.
But Cullen didn't agree with her and every time she tried to open the conversation up again he got cross and snapped at her. So Cullen didn't agree with her. Fine. She didn't need his approval on everything she did. She had told him enough about Anders so that he could look for him. Mostly, she had told him that she knew Anders spent some time in Darktown, but that he was always moving and that she never knew where he would be next. With her dodgy information, the templars never found him. She knew Cullen knew she was keeping things back, but luckily neither of them cared enough to open that issue again.
She started going out with Isabela again. To the Hanged Man and out to hunt gangs come nightfall. Cullen slept in the guest room. She often didn't get home until late anyway. They hadn't spoken much since that night and every time they did she ended up storming out of the house. Garrett suspected, but she had begged Isabela not to tell him and the pirate had kept her word. As far as Marian was concerned, no one needed to know that there was trouble between her and Cullen. Hopefully, with time it would become water under the bridge, at least that's what she kept telling herself.
The fact was that Marian didn't know how to fix it. She had screwed up. She should never have let Anders into their house that night. She should never have told Cullen about the templars. After she had calmed down and Cullen had left that night she had realized how stupid she had been. She had been so terrified that Cullen would hurt her that she had just rambled out everything! She should have kept her mouth shut and everything would have been fine. But now she didn't know how to get his forgiveness. How to make this all go away. And she was far too stubborn to apologize. She shouldn't need to apologize for the Maker's sake. She had done something good!
She grumbled as she headed up the steps of the Viscount's Keep to visit Aveline. The guard captain had sent her a note asking if they could speak privately and that she had something to ask her.
"Marian, it's good to see you. I hear you've been keeping busy. About time you got out of the house." When Marian walked into her office Aveline smiled up at her from behind her large desk that was littered with papers, likely reports on the guard's activities in the city. She felt at ease in her friend's company. It was about time she felt that way somewhere.
"Believe me, the fresh air feels great. Even if it is covered in dust and dirt and smells like dwarven ale."
Aveline laughed. Then frowned. "Listen...I need your help with something. Just a small thing."
She held up a coin. Marian grinned. "I'm afraid you need more than that to take me out, old friend."
The guard captain scowled. "Don't be an ass. I need you to just take this and give it to guardsman Donnic. No questions." She said when Marian opened her mouth to speak.
She grabbed the coin and flipped it in the air before grabbing it. "Easy enough." She turned and left the guard captain's office.
"So, Donnic..." The guard looked up from his ale at Marian. She felt her face grow hot and looked back down into her mug. She was going to set Aveline on fire the next time she saw her.
"Uh...listen Serah Hawke..." He rubbed the back of his neck. Finally, he sighed. "I really can't do this. I mean...you're married and I only came because I assumed there would be other people here. I didn't take you for this sort of woman and your husband's a good man, from what I've seen of him, and well..." He stood up. "I'm a little ashamed." Then he walked towards the door.
Her face was crimson and she could only stare openmouthed at the guardsman's retreating back. She was going to kill Aveline.
"Can't she just ask him to bend her over her desk already? She's really bad at this." Isabela complained as they walked along the Wounded Coast slightly ahead of Aveline and Donnic.
"Not everyone can just ask those things," Marian said quietly, watching the waves in the distance. Last night had been mortifying. She had been so humiliated by Donnic's words that she had run home, her face still aflame. When she had hurried into her house, Cullen had been sitting in the chair by the fireplace. He had looked up and saw her bright red face and that she was slightly out of breath and had looked deeply confused and concerned. She had ran upstairs to escape any questions. She was afraid he would somehow have heard of her shameless behavior at the tavern. While sitting on her bed and trying to calm down she had heard a small knock on the door followed by Cullen's concerned voice.
"Is everything alright, Marian?"
She had wanted so badly to open the door to him and run into his arms, to feel the comforting embrace that only he could provide. But she knew that behind it would be questions and that he hadn't truly forgiven her yet. She wasn't ready to open that door. So she had shouted for him to leave her alone and when his footsteps had retreated back down the hall, she had cried.
She had been so angry at Aveline that morning that she had demanded she either tell the man her true feelings, to clear the book of Marian's name, or she would march over and do it for her. After a few minutes of Aveline grumbling and Marian's stony face, the guard captain had agreed and now they were making sure the two of them had 'alone time'.
Isabela glanced at her, seeing the mage's stormy thoughts behind her calm face. "And speaking of being bent over, you haven't either in a while."
Marian gave the pirate a sharp glance. She didn't need another reminder of the fact that her and Cullen hadn't made up yet and that she might have ruined her chance last night.
"Oh come on, I'm not dense. He's still angry at you for defending yourself?" She shook her head. "Can't you just tell him you're even now? After all, he went out and slaughtered four mages right after your wedding. Far as I'm concerned that makes you two square."
Marian rolled her eyes. "It's not that easy."
"Sure it is. If he really wants to take out his frustration...you could always let him. A good smiting never hurt anyone."
Marian stared openmouthed at the pirate, then blushed furiously and looked away.
Isabela laughed. "Just think on it, cupcake. Or maybe we'll take a trip to the Blooming Rose." She winked and Marian smacked her lightly on the shoulder.
Cullen was sitting in his study, finishing a letter to his older sister, Mia. After he had spoken to Marian about his family months ago he had reached out to his contacts in Ferelden, trying to find out where his family had ended up after the Blight. A part of him had been so fearful, that part that had never wanted to think about them again because he had worried they had died. He wasn't sure he could have dealt with that knowledge after what happened at the tower. It had been better for him to get out of Ferelden; to leave and have a fresh start in Kirkwall. As interesting as this fresh start has been. Cullen sighed as his mind wandered to Marian. After only a few short months, Cullen had received a letter from his older sister telling him that his siblings all still lived and had moved. Their home in Honnleath had been destroyed and they had left, surviving the darkspawn attacks, and started a new life further north. Mia's first letter had been for all intents and purposes her yelling at him via her writing. She had been furious at him. Not that he had found them, but that he had married without inviting them, without even the decency of informing them period, as Mia had pointed out. It had taken two more letters to convince her and the rest of his siblings not to come to Kirkwall to meet his new bride. That was the last thing he needed. He had explained that the situation was complicated, not how complicated of course, his siblings didn't need to know that, and that he had told them he would ensure they met Marian in time. The way current things were going that didn't mean much. He doubted Marian wanted anything to do with his family at the moment. Considering she wanted nothing to do with him either.
He heard the front door close and frowned. It was awfully early for Marian to be home, considering she had been avoiding him for months. It wasn't even past midnight yet. Though perhaps after whatever happened to her last night she had decided staying out past all Maker forsaken hours wasn't entirely a good thing. He shook his head and thought, Either that or someone is breaking in.He sighed. Maybe the abomination came back and I can make short work of him and hide his body before she returns. He doubted he would be so lucky.
The door to Cullen's study opened and he paused his writing. He listened as footsteps came up behind him and felt the corners of his lips tug. He knew those footsteps, though his smile faltered. He wondered what those footsteps were doing in his study after they hadn't spoken to him in such a long time.
Small hands went around his shoulders from behind and he leaned back into her embrace. She hugged him tightly around the shoulders, her head resting lightly on his shoulder. She moved along his shoulder and kissed his neck softly. She kissed up his neck to his ear which she gently nipped. He shivered. It had been months since she had touched him, and his body responded all too eagerly with a familiar tightening and heat lowering to his groin.
"Marian," he said huskily.
"Mmm." She kissed down his neck again. Her kisses lighting his body afire
"What are you doing?"
He felt her smile against his neck. Her hands were untying the laces of his shirt. "Apologizing."
The corners of his mouth lifted. "This is how you apologize, my dear?" She was pulling his shirt out of his trousers and he leaned forward so she could yank it over his head and off him. Then she turned his chair around so he could look at her. He stopped breathing. She stood naked in his study.
His blood began pumping faster. As he stared, her nipples hardened under his gaze and she rubbed her legs together, telling him she was as affected by him as he was by her.
She smiled at him. "Seems as good as any apology." Marian stepped closer and he reached out for her. "Unless you'd like me to stop?" She took a step back and his hand grasped air. "We could always go back to not speaking to each other."
Cullen tried to think clearly. His eyes roamed over her body. She still haunted his dreams at night and left him so wanting in the morning. And there she was, waiting for him, if he just grabbed it. He closed his eyes. "Sex isn't going to solve the problem," He said, though he hated himself for saying it.
Marian surprised him by laughing softly. With his eyes still closed she came closer. He could feel the heat of her body and restrained from opening his eyes. "Nothing will, Cullen." She moved the chair back and threw her legs around it, straddling him. He groaned. "I'm a mage and you're a templar. We aren't going to agree on everything. But if we can get past that...then we have a chance." She kissed his tightened jaw. Instinctually, he put his arms around her, the feel of her skin driving him mad.
"Where is this coming from?" He needed to know if she was genuine. That this wasn't some trick of his tired mind.
Her hands ran along his chest and she kissed it slowly. "Today I helped Aveline with a...small problem. When we got back to Kirkwall she reminded me that sometimes we just need to move past our differences. That sometimes love is more important than the petty things."
She briefly remembered her conversation with Aveline earlier.
"Marian." She paused at the door to the guard captain's office as she was leaving. Aveline was smiling brighter than she had ever seen her. "Thank you."
Marian smiled in what she hoped was a genuine way. "I am just glad you are happy."
Aveline saw right through her. "You both need to stop being so stubborn. Tell Cullen how you feel. Or show him. Either way it's time to move past this." She walked up to her friend who was hesitating by the door. "He loves you, anyone with eyes can see it. You just need to remind him that you love him too." She squeezed Marian's shoulder.
"And that has led to this?"
She chuckled against his chest. "Well, and Isabela reminded me just how much I missed you."
He opened his eyes. Her blue eyes smiled at him, twinkling mischievously. He loved her so much. He ran his hand up her back and pulled her closer to him, kissing her deeply. She scooted closer to him, rubbing against him and he made an appreciative noise.
She pulled back from the kiss and grinned at him. "Do you accept my apology?"
He looked at her, her grin genuine, her body flushed with desire. He chuckled. "I don't think you are quite done apologizing to me, my wife." She looked curiously at him. He grabbed her quickly and raised her off the chair in his arms. She squeaked, but he had already landed her on the desk, her legs hanging off. His ruined reports under her, but he didn't care.
He kissed her back until she was resting against the wood. She twined her legs around him and grabbed his trousers, undoing them while he kissed up her neck and shoulder to her lips again in a frenzy, needing to kiss every part of her within reach. His hand found her breast and he enjoyed grabbing it for the first time in months.
The ties on his trousers were quickly undone and her legs pulled them down. He rubbed against her and she grabbed him. There was a frenzy to both their movements. They needed this. He growled against her neck and when her finger rubbed his head he kissed her and moaned deeply into her mouth. His other hand quickly joined hers between them and found her opening. He teased it and she rubbed his cock against her, teasing himself with her heat.
They were both ready for each other in moments. The need so much more intense because of their time apart. He seated himself in her and grabbed her legs to pull her closer. Marian moaned and threw her head back, arching off the desk. He smiled and kissed her shoulder. He moved fast, not able to slow down or be gentle. He needed her.
As he thrust into her the tightening continued. The pure pleasure of being with her, being inside her, knowing that she wanted him as much as he wanted her, was too much. He rolled his tongue over her nipple and she moaned. He enjoyed making her moan, finding every part of her body that he could elicit a groan from. Marian's legs wrapped around him tighter, pulling him closer.
"So...close," she moaned and he picked up the speed, wanting to drive her over and watch the beautiful ecstasy. He moved up from her breast and bit her neck.
She gasped and he thrust fast and felt her tighten around him. He moaned as he spent himself inside her, his eyes closing in pleasure.
They stayed on the desk for several minutes, catching their breath. When he finally lifted his head to look at her, she was smiling at him. She gently ran her hand through his hair and stroked it.
"I love you. It might not always be easy, but I do." She pulled him up and kissed him gently.
"I love you too, my wife." He moved off her and pulled her up and into his arms. "If you want to try to make this work despite everything, then so do I." She smiled in his arms. Things would never be easy. He knew that. But she was right; they could always work through it if they loved each other.
The pounding on the front door woke them both up. Cullen was out of bed in an instant, years of soldier training kicking in as he quickly grabbed his sword and stood at the ready. Marian blinked her eyes several times to make sure she wasn't still dreaming and shook her head to clear her mind. Then she heard the incessant pounding and what was possibly muffled shouting coming from the front door. Her heart began racing as she thought of what could have happened, of who would be pounding on their door at night.
"Stay here." Cullen commanded. He grabbed his shirt and threw it over his head, already halfway out the bedroom door.
"To the Void with that." Marian growled, moving to the side of the bed and grabbing her dress from the floor. Cullen was already halfway down the stairs by the time she got to the door of their bedroom.
He kept the sword bared as he approached the door, the banging on it continuing.
"Knight-Captain, we have a situation!" Someone shouted, their voice muffled through the thick wooden door.
He grabbed the handles and opened the door. Three templars stood there, in full armor, one carrying a torch. "What happened?" He scanned the templars and saw that two of them were men who served at the Chantry full time and the third was from the Gallows night-shift.
"A situation at the Chantry, Ser. We need you to come immediately." The templar who had been banging on the door said. He was one of the templars from the Chantry.
Cullen heard bare feet padding against the floor as Marian walked up behind him.
"What's going on?" She asked.
He turned to her. Her eyes were wide as she stared past him at the templars standing in their doorway. She wore a light night dress and Cullen moved to block her view from the men. "I have to go to the Chantry. Stay here."
She rolled her eyes at him. "Stop telling me that." She surprised him by then turning to address his templars, pushing him aside. "What happened?" She asked them in a demanding voice. Sometimes he forgot that she was Hawke's sister. He didn't doubt for a second that if Hawke wasn't as domineering as he was that she would be the head of their household.
The men shifted, clearly uncertain what to say and the night shift guard from the Gallows put his head down. Cullen didn't like the way the man who had previously spoken was looking at Marian.
"Perhaps the lady should come. Her brother was involved." The templar from night-shift said in the back. The one who had been speaking previously gave him a dark look and the templar looked down again.
"Garrett?" Marian looked worried.
His unease grew as he and Marian exchanged a look. What had Hawke gotten himself into now?
"Why didn't you come get me?" Marian asked, glaring at her brother's back as he walked angrily ahead of her towards his study. Together, she and Cullen had been able to pull Garrett out of the Chantry and get him back to the estate. The templars had wanted to keep him for more questioning. Cullen had to stay at the Chantry to finish getting all the details of what exactly had happened for his report for Meredith. Marian had been surprised to see the Viscount there with his envoy of people milling about and she was even more surprised to find out that the Viscount had asked for her brother's help specifically.
"There wasn't time." Garrett shuffled through his papers on his desk, trying to look busy. As soon as they had arrived back at the estate he had said he had paperwork to do and tried to retreat back into his study despite the early hour of the morning. Marian would have none of that and had followed him, wanting the full story and to know why he hadn't involved her with this.
She shook her head, knowing he was evading her. "The Viscount told you about this yesterday morning. You then went to the Hanged Man. How was there no time to get me? You could have had Isabela run to catch me or Fenris or Aveline for that matter, since she was with you when you went to confront Varnell. In fact, I saw her a few hours earlier." She was frustrated that Garrett would take on the Chantry fanatics without her. She was even more worried that he had killed a templar and did not seem fazed by it at all. She had watched Cullen's jaw tighten when he found out. She doubted he would be angry at her, but he would also be angry at Garrett for not telling him either. After all, all Garrett would have had to do was tell Cullen that one of his men was suspected of kidnapping Qunari and the whole thing could have been cleared up without bloodshed. Maybe.
He shrugged and continued organizing his desk, not looking at her as he did. "It's nothing I couldn't handle on my own, Marian. Besides, you were safer at home...with Cullen."
"I don't care about what's safer!" She yelled at him. He looked up at her, his eyebrows knitting in surprise. She had been keeping her anger reigned in since she found out about Garrett's little escapade, but she wouldn't any longer. "I should have been there. You shouldn't have gone alone, Garrett."
He frowned. "I don't see why you are making this a big deal. And I wasn't alone."
"Oh, right. I almost forgot that everyone went with you. Everyone, except me!"
"Marian, you are blowing this out of pro-"
"NO, I'M NOT! How am I supposed to watch your back if you won't let me, Garrett! You're my brother and you expect me to just be content that you are going off and doing dangerous things without me. This isn't the first time either. Remember the Qunari powder? You didn't tell me about that either, and I could have helped. You were sick for weeks because of that blasted stuff."
"I'm fine now, aren't I?" Garrett said a bit defensively.
"Stop it! We've lost enough family as it is. I can't lose you too!" She felt herself close to tears now and she sat down in the chair across from his desk. Looking up at him she felt lost. She felt as if she had lost him already. "Please. Please don't leave me out of this anymore."
Garrett closed his eyes and sighed. When he opened them he came around the desk and kneeled down in front of her. "Marian...I can't...lose you either. Y-you know that. I...Maker, you really make things difficult." He looked into her blue eyes and she saw what he wanted to say. He had never been one for words. Their father always used to jest with him about it. Used to say Garrett was only eloquent when he wanted people to believe something that wasn't true, but that he couldn't express his own feelings to save his life.
She got off the chair and hugged her brother tightly. For everything that had happened, he was still her brother and the only family she cared about in Kirkwall, the only family she could still watch over and keep safe. He hugged her tightly, showing her exactly what he could never say.
By the time Marian got home from her brother's estate the sun was well up. There was a note on the mantle telling her that Cullen had gone straight to the Gallows from the Chantry and that he would likely be home late as the Knight-Commander would expect a debriefing. She sighed and crawled upstairs to go back to sleep, missing the few hours she could have been curled up next to him.
She spent the day listening to Isabela and Varric give her their elaborate retelling of her brother's adventures the night before. It didn't help. She didn't understand why nobody else but her worried about him. The way Varric and Isabela spoke, people would think that her brother was invincible, but she knew better. He could bleed, just like anyone else.
She went home in a melancholy and remembered that Cullen wouldn't be home for hours more, so she made dinner and tried to pass the time by reading one of Cullen's novels that he kept on his bookshelf in the study. She took it downstairs and curled up on the sofa near the fire. He had told her that when he watched over the mages at the tower in Ferelden he would sometimes read over their shoulders.
"You wouldn't believe some of the things apprentices read." He had said, his ears growing red. She imagined they weren't as bad as some of Isabela's stories. Those could make the most experienced men blush. The story she was reading now was about a wizard who was trying to cure a sick princess.
Night fell while she was curled up by the fire. She didn't realize she had fallen asleep until she felt whiskers tickle her forehead. She giggled and opened her eyes to see Cullen smiling down at her.
"You didn't have to stay down here, love." His amber eyes stared down at her with such warmth she felt her whole body tingle.
"I wanted to wait for you." She pulled him down to kiss him, his hands running under her and lifting her onto her feet. When they broke apart, he rested his forehead against hers. "How were the Gallows today?"
He sighed, his hands ran over her softly as he spoke, soothing her and himself. "Meredith was in an uproar. She wouldn't listen to reason. Despite all the evidence that Ser Varnell was going behind the Chantry's back she...she..." He sighed again. "It's been a long day and your brother definitely hasn't helped much."
"I know. I'm sorry. I wasn't very happy with him either. He should have taken me along."
Cullen pulled back and stared at her. "What?"
She smiled at him and ran her hand slowly through his hair. "I should have been there with him. When he went to face Varnell."
"No, you should not have been there." Cullen said matter-of-factly, "You were exactly where you were supposed to be and the last thing you should have been doing is off with your brother in the middle of the night hunting templars."
The last part came out harshly and her smile slide off her face. "I...I should have been there. Watching his back, protecting him, Cullen. He shouldn't have been alone."
He watched her for a moment before asking quietly. "And what about me? You would have left me alone?"
Her eyebrows knitted. "I...Cullen...he's my brother. I need to protect him."
He understood, but he needed her to understand what he was saying. What he meant. He kissed her slowly, pulling her close and running his hands down her back. He kissed down her jaw and up to her forehead. Then he took her face gently between his hands and looked into her eyes. "Who will protect you if you are off trying to protect your brother?" There was pain in his eyes and she stayed silent. He kissed her forehead again. "You're the only person I have. But I can't protect you if you don't let me." His eyes were so sad that she felt her heart ache for him.
She couldn't form the words for him so she swallowed them and nodded. Then grabbed him and kissed him passionately. Perhaps the Hawkes couldn't always say what they felt, but they could certainly show it.