A/N: Sorry to keep you waiting too long, guys. It's a bloody, busy year for me. I've been struggling to get this chapter of mine finished for some time but alas other matters and projects have taken up much of my time. Finally, I've got this up and running and given my love for references, you'll find some if you where to look for. Forgive me if the quality has changed or slackened during the intervening time. Suggestions are always welcomed. I gotta thank a friend for introducing to me The Poptart Tragedy.
Towards The Mansion For More Clues
Re-appointment...
The brigade minus the Lucky Star girls, Kuyouh, and Kyouko, dragged Itsuki's ass all the way back to Haruhistan. Inside the sandbag bunker they huddled around to see what to do next with the esper.
"Uh… Haruhi?" Sasaki asked worriedly, "is he alright?" She was looking at him, knocked out by the stun gun, spread-eagled with his mouth open, ready to receive all manner of visitors from flies to the lollipops of pedophilic doctors, his eyes shot open to the sky as though he was looking at a vision of heaven.
Actually, his eyes were staring blankly at the expression of a pissed-off goddess. "Hopefully, for his sake," Haruhi grumbled, her arms crossed, fuming at Itsuki's latest snafu.
"He is still alive," Yuki replied tonelessly as she examined him like she was gonna probe his esophagus with something big, preferably a long, hard and flexible tool, her eyes having the power granted by her master to study him without having to stick an object down his throat. "His heart rate, breathing and pulse are normal. Brain in stable condition though with increased wave pattern activity, vital organs working functionally, overall no serious internal damage. His muscles are paralyzed by the electric shock though but he will regain mobility in a short while. Skeletal structure shows no major fractures despite yesterday's beatdown."
"Tough cookie," Kyon quipped, hands on his hips. "Look's like he could use a break."
Haruhi turned to Kyon with wide eyes. "A break? This asshole ruined our best chance to find any leads and you want me to cut him some slack!?"
Kyon whined again, "Come on, Haruhi. Does he look like he's in a condition to talk right now?" He gestured to Itsuki on the floor, looking pretty much like a gutted fish on a hot deck with his tongue lolling.
Haruhi crossed her arms and scoffed. "Nonsense, Kyon. All you need is a good kick to the balls to get this prima donna singing." She then raised her foot and crashed it on the esper's groin with a loud, squishy thud, which caused all the other boys to wince. The esper did not scream in pain or bolt upward. He was still as a rock.
Her eyes went wide with surprise. "What? That was the hardest kick I've just made!"
"Looks like he wouldn't need them no more," Kunikida commented.
"Look's like Itsuki's a vegetable now," Sasaki said. "We should take him to a hospital right now."
At the word hospital, he suddenly sat up. "NO, MOMMY! Don't take me to the hospital! The doctor touched me badly!" There was a flurry of screams and gasps due to Itsuki's abrupt outburst. He then started to embrace himself wildly as though a disease covered his skin.
"Whoa!" Haruhi stood back. "That was unexpected."
"Where am I?" He frantically looked around the bunker, at the faces of everyone inside. "What the hell happened?"
"You went into a rant like a druggie at the school," Taniguchi answered, "and the teacher stun-gunned you."
"You went out like a rock," Kunikida added.
"We had to drag your sorry ass back to this crappy hole you call Haruhistan," Fujiwara the snake hissed, " and we were planning to bury you out in the woods but-"
"But you're back, nyoro!" Tsuruya cheered like she just got a sports car on Christmas. Then she grabbed Itsuki's collar and brought him closer. "Now start the meeting with Haruhi! The sooner we end this, the sooner I get back to munching smoked cheese." Now Itsuki was practically face-to-face with the fanged girl with her manic eyes and her wide, drooling grin from which came the overpowering smell of rotting cheese.
Itsuki then shoved her out of the way, ran out of the tent vomit his breakfast out. "Tsuruya..." he retched. "Learn how to brush your teeth!"
"Really?" Tsuruya cried in an offended tone. "I do brush my teeth!"
"With what?"
"With Primula," she said proudly, referring to a Norwegian brand of cheese in squeeze tube.
Itsuki let that sink for a few seconds before replying. "No wonder why your breath smells like a horse's ass."
Insulted, Tsuruya transformed into a horrifying monster, causing Itsuki to back away in fear. Horrifying, you ask? She's grotesque claymation lovechild of Tim Burton's gothicness, Timothy Leary's mind, and Sadako! Spindly, crooked arms and legs and bony body; contorted, clay-dark face with bulging, blooshot eyes; spidery hair and spittle-flying Primula breath.
She wanted to tear the esper but was held back by everyone else. The violent cheese-eater wrestled to set loose from the brigade, shaking violently like a dog but Yuki stabbed her with a needle-tipped finger in the neck. Tsuruya shook, convulsed and lost consciousness; falling to the ground and dragging her friends down.
"Wow," cheered Haruhi, wiping off the dust from her uniform. "Thanks, Yuki. What did you do to her?"
"I injected a solution containing consciousness-suppressing nanites, which will keep her down for a while."
"Sweet," cheered Haruhi, "now where's the remote?"
Yuki looked puzzled. "What remote?"
"The remote that controls the nanites needed to wake her up or go to sleep," Haruhi explained, annoyed.
"There is none."
"Huh? Then why did you even do something like that if you got nothing to control them?"
"Because I want to," Yuki replied.
"... Okay," Haruhi answered, trying make sure her brain wasn't raped by Nagato's words. While that happened, Fujiwara, Sasaki, and Kunikida were searching Tsuruya's pockets for good stuff. Cellphone, iPad, Colombian nose candy, flashdrive containing incriminating evidence of corporate crime, and her wallet full of money and credits cards. When Sasaki found the last item, the other two pitched in the divide the spoils like a bunch of starving bums to rotten sandwich dumpsters. Well, moving on...
Haruhi kneeled beside Itsuki alongside Taniguchi. Itsuki, trembling in fear from Fang-tan's brief transformation, had his eyes darting across the room from Haruhi to Kyon to everyone else.
"So, Itsuki," Haruhi asked, "what do you have to say for yourself?"
"What?" Itsuki asked in a daze.
"About what happened in the classroom," she snapped sharply, "you malingering git!"
"Oh, yeah." Then he gave a brief version of the events that happened at school house, with special emphasis on the ones that happened dramatically such as his rants and this he gave to halting, schizophrenic speech and exaggerated, spastic, jerking body gestures.
"And yes! All the children are insane!" the esper concluded.
"… 'All the children are insane'!?" Haruhi asked, baffled and pissed. "What's that all about, Itsuki?"
"Haruhi, open your eyes!" Itsuki ranted, looking like wild-eyed madman. "Those kids and their laughter? Can you not see what this town is? It's pure evil! They got Cotton and who knows what else are they planning to do-"
Haruhi bitchslapped the bishie hard on the cheek and into the packed dirt floor of the bunker.
"Awww… that hurts," He moaned, touching the part of his face where Haruhi's hand left a big red mark, then stood up slowly in a daze.
"That's just a taste of what I'll do to you if you don't try make for today's screw-up," she snapped coldly. At this point, Haruhi was practically thinking of getting rid of the esper's membership for good, and when I mean good, I mean permanent like taking him out with shovel to the head.
Itsuki was struggling to get his thoughts in order as his mind raced back and forth collecting, analyzing the facts before he could come up with something good to Haruhi before she has second thoughts about his usefulness.
He gulped. "Well, sorry about yesterday, Haruhi," he began haltingly, "but regardless of today's events, we must press on. I think there may be more to this than Cotton's disappearance."
"Gee, you think, genius?" Haruhi snarked.
"Yeah, I think we investigate this Watanagashi festival - in depth."
Haruhi raised an eyebrow. "I think they told us about already."
"Can you recall any of it?"
Haruhi went into thought for a while, then she replied, "No, just the gory details of their ritual killings and that secret at the Lecter house." She smiled proudly at that fact.
"You don't remember anything else, not even that couple that told us about this Oyashiro-sama and about Kyon and Taniguchi's eavesdropping on the kids that revealed about the town of South Park is coming here?"
Haruhi gave it a thought. "No."
"Man, Haruhi, you saying that calls into question your competence," he commented offhandedly.
She glared at Itsuki, pissed. "What did you say?"
"Uh, I-I mean, we gotta take this seriously," he hastily stated, not wanting to incur her wrath, "if we don't we might meet Cotton too early."
"You're right," Haruhi said, satisfied with his advise.
"If that's the case," Kunikida joined in, "I remember that the Sonazaki family have a list of tourists."
Haruhi suddenly remembered that minor little tidbit. "Now that you mentioned it? Yeah."
Sasaki then bluntly put forward a new fact. "If that's true then those kids from the schoolhouse may be expunging his name faster than an otaku banging a love doll after that scene we made."
"Shit!" the Brigadefuhrer panicked. "We gotta go now."
"But we don't know where this Sonazaki family is," Taniguchi said, "we don't even know where they live."
"Don't worry, we'll find them along the way."
Yuki then added, "I doubt we'd be asking the locals for directions, considering our latest provocation."
"Like I said, we'll find a way," Haruhi replied adamantly.
"How about our four new inductees?" Kyon asked, referring to Konata and pals.
"Later," she said dismissively. "This the best lead we ever got." She looked at Itsuki. "Itsuki, I hereby reinstate you as deputy of the SOS Brigade."
"Yay!" Itsuki jumped happily, having just been given a second chance.
"Don't screw it this time," Haruhi warned, "It's gonna be worse the second time."
"Don't worry, Haruhi, I won't fail you now. I've got my fingers crossed." Actually, behind his back were two middle fingers crossed together.
"Any questions?" she demanded. No one volunteered a reply. "Good. SOS Brigade, forward to glory!" Sasaki sighed in exasperation. Haruhi flamboyantly marched out of the tent. Everyone else followed, including Taniguchi dragging Tsuruya's unconscious body.
"Man, Tsuruya wake up already," Taniguchi whined as he dragged her by the leg. "Your heavy ass isn't going to walk itself." He heard gurgling sound from Fang-tan's mouth and while getting dragged, her head was tossed by the rocks like a car going through speed bumps.
Kyon was falling behind the line as he contemplated something else. We want the numbers, Mason. That's all we've ever wanted.
What numbers, he thought.
Another random string of words. His influence spreads like a cancer. Even the Kremlin does not know what he is truly planning. He must be stopped, Mason. Dragovich, Kravchenko, Steiner. All must die.
He shook the thoughts off his mind as continued on his journey with the others.
Churuya's new plan...
Underground, Churuya sat together with Achakura discussing their plans so it wouldn't end up like last night's SNAFU. "I hope that old geezer had his heart meds on 'cause we're breaking in again tonight," she announced confidently.
"Churuya," Achakura said cautiously, "he's not gonna sit down after we broke in the first time. By now, he's gonna be patrolling his basement with a shotgun on his back and put animal traps all over the place."
"Screww him," she whined angrily. "There's no trap or obstacle that's gonna stop me from taking that cheese or my name ain't Churuya. Besides, we murdered that giant fish we found in the lake last night and snuck it into his bed. That'll wet his adult diapers."
"That was very brutal," she shrilled. "You murdered that fish and slipped it under the covers."
"You helped me murder that fish," Churuya deadpanned, "and you added your message alongside with mine."
"Oh yeah~," Achakura mewed awkwardly, breaking a sweat.
"How are the hamsters?"
"They look spent and shaken but besides that they're doing all right."
"Good. I need them rested and ready for the next one," Churuya said evilly. "Now, we just have to tweak up some details before we execute the plan tonight." They then attended to the details of their plan to make sure that when they storm again, they storm it just right.
"Ah, Churuya," Boss called out, "we've got a problem right here."
"Yeah, was it?" Churuya looked up from her plans, her brow creased in annoyance from that interruption.
"The explosion caused a cave-in that buried our explosive cache."
"Oh good, just dig it out."
"Not really, the groundwater contaminated it with mud."
"Okay, find a way to get rid of them."
"I need you to vacate the tunnels."
"What?" The chibi shot back an incredulous look.
"With the explosives wet, they're useless but are still too dangerous to dig out with you guys here."
"Oh man," the green-haired chibi whined. Then she called everyone gathered around the table. "Alright, fellas. Let's get out of this tunnel. Get everything out." Here staff of hamsters and one Achakura obeyed. Then Churuya turned to Boss. "Alright, I want you to clear those explosives by noon."
"It'll take up to midnight," Boss protested.
"Do it by noon and I'll give you a lifetime supply of sunflower seeds."
The prospect of an endless pile of sunflower seeds to eat made Boss eager to the job. "As you wish." Boss saluted, then pivot off to start his task.
Directions and mansions...
The gang followed Hinamizawa's main street up to the right. They encountered an old man on black drag walking on the highway, dragging a coffin on a red wagon.
"Wow, this place is getting weirder little by little," Kyon commented.
"What's a guy wearing a lady's funeral dress?" Kunikida asked.
Haruhi was not perturbed. In fact, her love for weird and exciting things made her disregard any sort of caution, which was exactly what got them in hot water several times already. "Who cares! I hope he knows where the Sonozaki mansion is."
Itsuki regarded the goddess with a skeptical look. "Chief, is it a good idea to ask someone dressed in drag looking very preoccupied?"
"You said that because of my provocation, uh, I mean, our provocation, we can't ask the locals anything anymore." She looked emphatically to the old drag queen. "Why not ask someone who's weird enough even for the standards of the locals?"
"Assuming he can give an intelligible answer," Nagato pointed out.
"Why don't we give it a try?" the goddess chimed. She shouted in her characteristically blunt manner, "Hey! You! Could you tell us where the Sonozaki residence is?"
The old man in dragged responded only with mournful sobs. "Lance Bass," he moaned. "Lance Bass!"
They were taken aback by his rant. Kunikida whispered to Haruhi, "I think asking directions from him isn't a good idea. He's in grief."
"Over what?" she shot back.
"Looky, looky," Kyon pointed to the ornate coffin. Inside it was a large fish head and a pile of fish sticks. The picture on top said, "In the memory of Lance Bass."
"The singer?" Sasaki asked. "A fish named after the Backstreet boy?"
"OH, LANCE!" he wailed loudly and dropped to the ground to cry.
"Yeah," Fujiwara said, "I think we should just leave him were he is."
"So what are we gonna do now?" Haruhi whined.
Sasaki then came into view. She said to the Brigade chief, "I just asked another villager where the Sonozaki residence is."
"What?" Haruhi exclaimed.
"Yes, Haruhi," the other goddess said. "Unlike you, I don't pushover people on the way in. If you want your dumb adventures to work, try to be at least half as subtle."
Haruhi did not like being outplayed by Sasaki. She said angrily, "How dare you do that behind the back of your Brigade chief. Are you planning to overthrow me?" She put her hands on her hips and looked accusingly at Sasaki.
"What do I gain from you?" Sasaki asked rhetorically. "I'm just doing what club members are supposed to do, being worker bees. I don't have any intentions with the SOS Brigade and certainly have no intentions with Kyon."
"Oh," Haruhi finally, getting her counterpart's point minus the one about Kyon. "I see." Then she warned, "I've got my eyes on you." She then left off, waving everyone else to follow.
Seeing them leave to some place with no idea to their ultimate objective, Sasaki called out, "Hey, do you want to know where the Sonozaki esate is?" The column stopped on its tracks.
"Damn," Haruhi sighed. "I hate you, Sasaki." She then conferred again with her counterpart and this time they went to the right direction. And the band marched on. Pretty soon, they arrived to a large traditional Japanese mansion surrounded by a wall. Fortunately, from where they were, they could see the ponds that tastefully surround the large house, intersected with a footpath/causeway. The amount of shrubbery and trees in the place showed how much attuned with nature that residents of the place were. They never saw anything as beautiful in as this.
There was also a sign at the great gate holding that entrance that said , "ATF! We fucked your wives!"
"Charming place, really," Kyon admitted, "it kinda looks like the Waco compound."
"Nothing better to hang out during a siege," Yuki added.
"Well, now that you mention it," Kunikida muttered, "this village has kinda have a cult vibe since we got here."
"Gee, you think," Kyon deadpanned. "Ever since this trip began Haruhi advertised it to all of us that we will have a trip to Jonestown when we come here to investigate this missing Brit. So far, we've meet a group of kids that frankly told us about their local deity demanding bloody sacrifices, a swamp full of gay fish, the same group of kids to whom we lost a Mikuru in a stupid water fight bet."
"I do," Taniguchi said worriedly, laying Tsuruya's body aside after a few minutes of dragging it across rough terrain. Kyon gave him a look.
"What, Taniguchi?" he asked curiously.
"You still remember about the panda last night?"
Kyon's face went blank. "Taniguchi, where you sniffing the diesel oil last night?"
Taniguchi's face grumbled at that reply. "No, Kyon," he whined, "I'm serious. A huge panda attacked me last night. You scolded me for panicking like a whoopsie after I knocked that thing out."
Then Kyon pondered at it. "Oh yeah," he finally said after a stroke of brilliance. "I do remember scolding you for that since a panda's an easy thing to kill." He happily has no regard for endangered species.
"Kyon, you should have seen the size of that thing," he ranted on, waving his arms with emphasis. "I thought I was gonna die."
Kyon didn't reply to that. Kunikida did, "Too bad."
Stung by the comment, Taniguchi moaned, "You don't seem to care about me, do you, Kuni?"
The short, plain boy crossed his arms grumpily. "After listening to you brag about your nonexistent romances with various women and you mocking my appearance, comparing me to Justin Beiber? No, Tani, I don't." Taniguchi wailed in dejection.
Seeing that where the conversation's going, Kyon took back control of it. "Where's this panda now?" he asked skeptically.
"Well," Taniguchi replied, embarrassed but now out of of his self-pitying trance a little while earlier, "it left."
"It left?"
"Well...," he began hesitantly, "I was phoning Haruhi instructions on how to dispose of the body of that drunken bastard. When I turned around, he's gone."
"What, he walked off?" Kyon cocked an eye at him.
"Well, no. Just as I turned around, he's gone."
"And drunk?" Kunikida added.
"Its breathe smells like a college dorm room with vomit after a football game," he replied, he's eyes wide in horror as he recalled that awful smell. "It had bottles of booze with it."
"Well, that's one more thing to worry about," Kyon said sourly. "A panda bear stalking under the influence of alcohol. What's next?"
"Hey," Haruhi cried. "Quite slacking!"
"Her," Kunikida noted, "and her egotistical delusions, which knows no morals or boundaries."
Helos and an alien...
Outside Hinamizawa was an abandoned hamlet overrun with vegetation. In one of the houses Kyouko was listening on the radio which she used to play the radio game with Itsuki earlier. She was scanning the airwaves for all sorts of transmission ranging from advertisements for organic coffee to Rush Limbaugh's rants. There was some talk of a Shoujo A and Watanagashi but her real interest was listening in to any communication between Itsuki and his bosses. So far nothing's turning up, which annoyed her, just as it annoyed her that Kuyou overdid her London return and forced them to scram.
After playing the dials and knobs, she gave up with a fuss. "Damn," she muttered, "this is boring."
At that moment, the cupboard door opened to reveal Kuyou cramped inside like pickled cabbage. "_What_is_boring?"
She sighed. "There's no one to screw around. After Itsuki found out about our little game, thanks to you," she glared at the alien, "now I've got nothing to do in this entire summer and our next plan against Haruhi is months away."
"_That_is_alright_," the alien cheered in her Microsoft Sam-like voice, "_I_can_make_you_a_goodluck_charm_."
"Oh yay," Kyouko deadpanned. At that moment the alien slammed herself shut and then came a carving noise. At first, the esper tried to ignore it but the noise was too annoying to leave alone.
"What are you doing in there?" she called out loudly.
The door opened and Kuyou peeked out. "_I'm_carving_something_on_this_bullet, _Kyouko_."
"And what would that be?" she asked calmly but still annoyed.
"_I'm_carving_Kuyou, _Kyouko_."
"Why?" she went on.
"_It's_a_cunning_plan, _actually," the alien explained.
"Ah, of course it is," Kyouko agreed with disinterest.
She then crawled out of the cupboard and fell off. She approached the esper. "_You_know_they_say_that_somewhere_there's_a_bullet_with_your_name_on_it."
"Yes...?," she asked cautiously, already knowing where this was going.
She explained proudly, "_I_thought_if_owns_the_bullet_with_my_name_on_it, _I'll_never_get_hit_by_it_." Then added, "_Of_course_, _I_won't_never_shoot_myself_."
"Oh, shame," Kyouko replied plainly, wondering why the alien's still alive.
"_The_chances_of_there_being_two_bullets_with_my_name_on_'em_are_very_remote_indeed_."
"That's not the only thing that's 'very remote, indeed'," Kyouko deadpanned, "your brain for example. It's like a Microsoft Windows program from the nineties."
"_How_so?" the alien asked.
"Because it takes a long time for your head to boot and it crashes whenever you attempt to plan or accomplish complex tasks. If it had been cheaper, Y2K or nuclear holocaust would have been the only alternatives."
Kuyou gave it a thought. Seeing that look, Kyouko decided to take out a dirty, smutty pocket book to wait out her friend's response when the interface then uttered, "_I_should_have_requested_for_a_Mac_."
"Is your head even Mac compatible?"
"_No_", the alien replied sadly.
"Good, don't bother me again unless you have something really important to say." She shooed away Kuyou like a dog with a wave of her hand, who promptly climbed back up in the cupboard. Finally having some peace of mind, the esper took out a set of really nasty yaoi doujins and started reading. It took only a few seconds before she was immersed in the nasty prison shower and BDSM escapades of hot bishounen boys in being sent to jail because they're just too handsome in page of after page of sex fantasies, each more depraved than the last.
"Oh yeah...," she breathed slowly, her tongue lolling out like a thirsty dog. "Let's... get... it... on..." She was about to beat herself off...
"_KYOOUKO_!" The fog-horn voice startled her out of her depraved fantasies. "_SOMETHING_IS_COMING_!"
Awkwardly scrambling to her feet and hiding her filthy literature, she screeched angrily, "You little crapper! What is it, this time!?"
Before she could answer the house vibrated loudly with a loud wup-wup-wup from the outside. She knew something was thundering towards their hideout. Scrambling outside with her armful of doujins, she looked up to see a big helicopter swooped over at tree-top level like a bird of prey, its large shadow . "What the fuck..."
"_It_is_just_a_roflcopter_passing_by_," the alien replied.
"A what!?" She blinked her eyes in disbelief at her words.
"_A_rollover_fucking_laughing_helicopter_," the alien explained. "_It_goes_like_this_." She then made the closest thing to a coherent word, "Soi, soi, soi, soi, soi -" it became rapid - "soi, soi, soi, soi-!"
"I know what a goddamned helicopter sounds like," she snapped angrily.
"_It_also_makes_a_sound_when_it_is_far_away_, _p_e_d_," she replied in her electronic voice then the second closest thing to a coherent word, which is even more far annoying from that than the last. "Ptt, ptt, ptt, ptt, ptt, ptt, ptt..."
Already pissed off from being taken off her nasty homoerotic sexual fantasies, she then did the most sensible thing she could to both preserve her sanity and to shut the alien's annoyingly retarded spitting sound: she took out a rubber truncheon and...
PACK!
... gave her a sharp blow to the head.
"_Owww_...," she moaned electronically, much to the esper's satisfaction. The alien massaged her aching head.
"Good, that's better." She tucked it away in her dress. "Now, what the hell is a low-flying helicopter doing here?" she pondered. She then reflected about just happened. Kuyou's annoying quotes and voice aside, she knew that helicopter was flowing quite low, too low to be a sightseeing helicopter. She also knew it was too big to one either. It could be one of those VIP passenger helicopters. Perhaps there's a helipad somewhere here and judging by its direction, it's immediately to their front.
But just to make sure, she asked Kuyou, "Hey, which direction is that thing going?"
For all her screwed-up idiocy, Kuyou, as an alien, is occasionally useful to the Anti-SOS Brigade. In this case, she had recorded the helo's flight in her mind via her mental radar and began analyzing all available data for a short while, closing her eyes. Kyouko looked on with slight curiosity.
Then her eyes snapped open. She turned to her left and pointed a finger. "_There_."
"You sure?" she asked, not putting a lot of salt on what she to say.
"_Yes_. _One_hundred_percent_," she replied electronically. At this they both raced to that direction. What Kuyou didn't tell was that the terrain was mostly wild forest with rough undergrowth, interspersed with low-hanging branches that whipped their faces like an evil anime villainess practicing her pimp hand.
"Argh?" Kyouko growled, sweeping away branches. "What the hell are you leading us to? Man vs. Wild?"
"_We're_close_," she replied.
"How close?" she blurted. But Kuyou suddenly stopped, causing the two girls to tumble forward. They both landed in a heap. Angry, Kyouko squirmed until she got to her feet. "You stupid alien. What the hell did you do-"
"_Shh_", the alien electronically hissed, motioning her to keep down and keep quite. They both crouched down to see what was below. "_Look_."
Below was a quarry bustling with un-quarry like activity and equipment: Down below were a lot of guys in gray jumpsuits, some armed with guns, hustling about as the huge-ass chopper they've been chasing was hovering in the process of landing in the middle of the quarry while the rest of the place was surrounded with boxes; metal drum; and metal shipping containers, some used, she noticed, as housing and storage facilities.
Kyouko crept closer. "A Hind D..." The gunship was now settling in slowly, kicking up gusts and dust, the men in gray hurrying about. "What's a Russian gunship doing here?" she asked rhetorically.
"_I_don't_know_," replied the alien. "_Perhaps_they_are_guarding_something_."
Kyouko looked at the alien. "Yes, I know." They looked at the barrels bearing a series of symbols: skull-and-crossbones, exclamation mark, biohazard warning, explosive warning, corrosion warning, and the acronym PSSI. The guards near those stacked barrels was were wearing hazmat suits.
This is an interesting development, Kyouko thought. Already day got from screwing Itsuki on the radio and learning about Arakawa to finding something out of The Expendables. "This is gonna be fun?"
"Hey, who goes there?" a voice called out.
"Oh crap," Kyouko she muttered. "We've got to get out of here." With that, they both ran off.
"Hey, you!" another voice called and a patrol of grey overalls with SMGs came after them. Kuyouh and Kyouko ran as hard as they could but they knew that they could neither keep running or get out of here for long. They quickly dashed behind a tree.
"Damn," Kyouko panted. "We can't keep running forever. These bastards will find us... And then do terrible things to us to make us talk," her voice then quaked, "they'll do things to my precious Sasaki, oh no." Kyouko had to many hentai works to know were their fates lies if captured by the gray-suited goons but the thought of it befalling on her one and only Sasaki was just too much for her.
"_Will_they_set_up_a_webcam_to_record_it_all_?" Kuyouh asked.
The question caused anger to rise up in the esper. "What the hell are you suggesting?" she asked threateningly. "That they'll ravish her?"
"_But_you_said_they_will_do_terrible_things_if_they_catch_us_," Kyouko answered. "_They_must_have_webcam_available_."
"What the hell did that doctor and nurse do you last night?" she snapped, unknowingly giving themselves away to the patrol. They cautiously moved to the tree they're hiding.
"_They_were_gonna_do_some_'tests'_with_me_with_a_digi-cam_," the alien explained, "_but_my_voice_scared_them_so_they_tried_burn_me_with_alcohol,_coke,_and_poptarts_. _I_killed_them_with_my_hair_."
"Wow, that's great," Kyouko sarcastically said, "except Sasaki doesn't have your ability to tentacle rape people with your hair!" Then a fought hit the esper. "Wait, that's it!"
The goons went from tree trunks and bushes, flanking the girls' hiding place. One of them radioed, "HQ, we have the intruders surrounded."
"Understood, use extra caution," was the reply. With that they proceeded forward until they surrounded the lone girl at the tree. They looked at her. She huddled as though she was crying. In fact, she was sobbing!
They came up out of the brush to approach the girl, who was still crying. "Uh... ma'am?" one of the girls asked.
"It was horrible!" She shot up all of a sudden, startling the guards. "She's dead! She's dead!"
"Who's dead?" one of the guards demanded.
"My cousin," she wailed. "Her stupid boyfriend killed her..." She sobbed some more.
The guards relaxed, realizing it's just another person who lost someone. Shame they'll have silence her later, they collectively thought.
"I'm sorry if I alarmed you," she apologized. "I'll explain..." Then she told her sob story.
"gurl stops meking out n asks boi to get potartz."
The goons looked interested at the story.
"he dus.
"den gurl teks deep breff. den gurl sais 'bf i am pregnent will u stay ma bf' n he seys 'no!'"
A sob and a tear formed at the corners of her eyes.
"gurl iz hertbrokn. /3
"gurl criez n runz awaii from boi wiffout eatin poptart n she has low blood suga so she fols."
The baddies looked shocked and disgusted at that development.
"boi runs ova 2 her.
"she ded./33333333!
"boi crie 'i sed i no b ur bf…cus i wona b ur husband!'"
The waterworks flow out of her eyes and she made an Academy-award winning scene. The goons looked heartbroken.
"he screems n frows poptart wol…a bootiful diomond ring wus insyd."
It did it. The guards were now crying loudly like babies. "How could that happen?" one of them wailed. "Why!?"
They really cried for all their worth, not realizing that the girl took out a towel to wipe away the tears, which revealed in evil smirk.
"Now!" she cried.
"Huh?" came their collective reply and before they knew it, large black tresses suddenly poured from the tree and grappled them like snakes, shot up back with them.
The goons panicked, evidenced by their cursing and whining. Then the tree rumbled violently, all the while the noise of screaming, crunching, slurping, slithering, growling and hissing, followed by the foulest deep-sea smell that your nose can pick up.
The tree then regurgitated the poor goons, skeletons with their overalls and gear intact, not a piece of flesh on the bones.
"Haha!" she gloated. "Suckers!" She gave the pile of bones and clothing a middle finger.
Kuyou lowered herself from the branches with her hair like a kid in the monkey bars and drop off. "_Ha_ha_. _Did_you_see_the_look_in_their_faces_?"
"Okay, Kuyou," the esper said, "we can swap stories later. Time's a-wastin'." With that, the two girls ran off back through the woods before anyone came over to inspect the patrol.
Office politics...
At the office of Agency Deputy Director Gendo Ikari and his aide Keiichi Tamaru were busy doing office work in the administrative capacity of their jobs. It was then Gendo asked K. Tamaru, "How is our boy, Itsuki?"
KT looked up from the paperwork he was typing, actually a draft for for a nonfiction series on the agency's history, operating procedures, etc. "Ah, I think he has not communicated with us since you threatened to send his ass to Greenland."
"Ah, I see." He clasped his hands in his pyramid of ominous planning. "I think we should raise him up again. We need to remind him about his efficiency report when he gets back. As for me, I need to take a leak." The bastard adjourned to a side door. Tamaru went back to his draft. The reason he was typing this was that agency wasn't paying him enough: he makes about as much money as the secretary of the Director of Central Intelligence. With writing books would give him a viable source of income, especially since his retirement benefits would be even more miserable. Also, it's a good way to get back at those penny-pinching assholes controlling the agency's budget so they can summer in the Bahamas and play poker in Monte Carlo. Of course what he wrote so far and write some more will undo everything the agency has done in it's few years of existence but, he decided, is worth the price if they don't pay him the money he deserves. Besides, he can always go to China where he can live off the potential profits of his shockingly-revealing book, buying the protection of the Chinese secret police, something Edward Snowden hadn't thought of trying.
Then the main door opened and in came Yutaka Tamaru, walking in a very macho manner, jaw jutting out and wearing sunglasses and ten-gallon hat. He must be compensating for something as Keiichi T. seemed to ignore him.
Realizing this, Yutaka asked, "What do you want, Darling?"
Irritated by the mention of his real last name, K. Tamaru looked up. "It's Keiichi Tamaru to you," he replied with annoyance, complete with an eye tick. Then he added, "Gendo has called for Agency Director of Operations General Shepherd to see him about a highly-important secret mission."
As he said this, General Shephered rolled in with some badass entry music to go.
(COD: MW2 Spetsnaz Spawn Theme, 15 Secs.)
"What's going on, Yutaka?" he asked, his teeth clenched around an unlit Cuban cigar.
"Oh, Darling here's telling me about how much he loves good 'ol Gendou here," Yutaka casually said with a smile.
K's eyes ticked more vigorously this time at that comment. It's already known throughout the Agency that he's the lapdog of Gendo "Fucking" Ikari and a spineless little creep who hates his work at the desk - except his leak-filled book- but enjoys the perks and privileges.
Shepherd laughed loudly. "Don't be too harsh, Yutaka. He's gonna cry if we mention it again." In contrast, Shepherd and Yutaka were like bros, even more so than their false identities they took suggests.
Trying to keep them from making more jokes at his expense, he asserted himself, "This discussion concerns only, General, and Mr. Ikari."
Then the general replied, all machismo, "I trust Yutaka with my life so he stays here. Gendo trusts you with his dicky ties and dicky bladder." This caused both "bros" to snicker at twitchy-eyed Keiichi Darling.
Then Yutaka pulled out a cigar and lit a lighter. "No smoking allowed in this officer," Darling/Tamaru said stiffly at their blatant violation of Gendo's no-smoking policy.
"Really?" Shepherd cocked an eye. "That's funny since you smoke Gendo each and everyday, every which way till Sunday." He and Yutaka lit their cigar and took deep drafts.
Then Gendo came back from his call of nature. "General, good to see you," he greeted. "How's your heart condition?"
"I'm fine," the general grunted, not wanting to be reminded that he's past his prime. "I'm a busy man so just tell me straight up."
"What I'm about to tell you is absolutely tip-top secret," Gendo said. "It's classified blacker than black. Isn't that clear?"
"It is." Yutaka crossed his arms.
Gendo continued, "Now, I've compiled a list of those with security clearance." He turned to his aide Keiichi. "Have you got it, Darling?"
"Yes, sir," he replied promptly.
"Read it, please."
"It's top security, sir, I think that's all the general and his butt boy needs to know," he said quietly. Yutaka gave him a stink eye.
"Nonsense. Let's hear the list in full," Gendo demanded coldly.
Scared, he did as he's told, "Very well, sir." He cleared his throat, betraying his discomfort. "'List of personnel cleared for Operation Turnip Eater: Totally Not a Konami Title, as dictated by Deputy Director Gendo Ikari.'" He paused. "'You and me, Darling, obviously. The Director, the Director's wife, our main benefactor Miss Tsuruya, Tsuruya's friends, their families, their families' servants, their families' servants' tennis partners, my pussy son, my pussy son's oversexed guardian, my pussy son's tsundere half-German BSDM mistress, my favorite girl Rei, Soul Society, Aizen and his Espada, and some chap I bumped into the mess hall the other day named Bear Grylls.'"
"So it's maximum security, is that clear?" Gendo said to Shepherd.
"Quite clear, sir," Yutaka answered for the general, "just us and rest of the English- and Japanese-speaking worlds."
"Good," he said. "Now, time to brief them further on Itsuki's operation." He pointed a remote upward and the room darkened. Then a screen lowered down on the wall in front of them. The screen was lit by a projector from Gendo's desk. On the picture was an overhead satellite photo of Hinamizawa.
"This is Hinamizawa," he began, "as seen by our KH-11 satellite. Located in the woods of Gifu Prefecture. Population, 2000, and it boasts a unique festival not seen anywhere else in Japan, or the world for that matter." He clicked again and the pictured changed to Arakawa.
"Arakawa, one of our top agents and one of the first. He was assigned to that little village to investigate this anomaly." A third pic appeared.
"The Dam Wars. The people of Hinamizawa resisted attempts to build a dam on the puny stream where their little festival ends. There were reports of sabotage on construction equipment and the first murders emerged. There was a kidnapping involving a high government official and then silence. The conflict ended but mysterious murders and disappearances continue."
Another slide. "The Watanagashi Festival. It translates to Cotton Drifting Festival. According to Arakawa's data and tourist brochures it is the largest celebration of the year for the rural village of Hinamizawa. It takes place on the third Sunday of June and gives thanks and praise to the village's guardian god, Oyashiro-sama. It was a bloody one actually in the old days, which is why they called it the Cotton Drifting Festival. They believed their god Oyashiro-sama must be appeased with those practices."
"What kind of bloody ritual?" Yutaka asked skeptically.
"Their rituals are disturbing to say the least," Darling said haughtily, proud to being privy to that sort of knowledge. "They rip up out someone's intestines without administering anesthesia, or even glass of whiskey, and throw the poor bastard's innards to the river, thinking it would wash away their sins and avert the wrath of their Oyashiro-sama." A smug smile lit up his face.
Yutaka and Shephered looked each other, smoke fogging the room. And laughed loudly. "Ha," cried Yutaka, "that was Sonou Mori you're talking about. She took a hit from a Shinjin on the belly and kicked its ass, about the only thing holding her guts in at the time, Darling, was a pot lid." That moment made Mori a legend - and made Keiichi D wet his pants.
And Shephered added with a cigar-clenching grin, "Any woman brave enough to fight with her guts strapped on him can drink from my canteen any day. Your own guts, Darling, ran off with your mama." They laughed again at the expense of Gendo's aide.
Ignoring the inane immaturity, Gendo clicked again. The next picture was that of a very distinguished chap as of late. He waited for the laughter to die down. "This man," he finally explained, "is Frank Cotton. He was the individual who touched off last year's foreign relations fiasco by disappearing in the village of Hinamizawa on the night of the previous Watanagashi festival." Then a click, new picture, this time of him posing on the centerfold of Vogue magazine's 1999 issue, Freak! edition. "Criminal records points to him as having sexual deviations of a criminal inclination. Rather extreme to say the least. He was last seen with an artifact reputed to be rather evil, which, according to reports, was in his possession."
"Hell, he sounds just like you," Shepherd pointed, "going out with fourteen year-old girls in skintight suits and getting a hard-on from manipulating everyone to suit your evil plans, seeking the use of an ancient tech to bring back your long dead wife."
Gendo miffed at that mention of his previous endeavors. He glared at the grinning, cigar-smoking general with every intention to jump at him claw out his eyes. "Don't," he choked. "Bring. That. Up. Again."
"Okay," the general replied casually, drawing deeply in his stoogie.
Gendo took a few seconds to cool down his desire to rip Shepherd apart and remain professional. He finally clicked and they have a surveillance photo of Arakawa in the Colonel's garb just outside of KFC. "This was Arakawa's last appearance before he went dark. And this was his last transmission."
The butler's voice croaked in old recording-device style, "I watched a cicada fly around the edge of hot lamp... That's my dream. That's my nightmare. Flying, crying, along the edge of a hot flame... and surviving." The lights went back on.
"Right now we have to update Itsuki," Gendo said, "but I want you to know absolutely what we should tell him. We cannot tell him the full picture on the event he gets captured."
"Koizumi is also a high-ranking member of the Agency," Shephered deadpanned the fact. "And he's as senior as Arakawa. If there's anything that's worth it's weight in gold, it's classified information on Haruhi's abilities and their effect on the material universe."
Gendo scoffed. "If it's worth anything to the locals."
"What the you mean, Gendo?" Shephered exclaimed. "If they learn about Haruhi's world-bending abilities, the consequences could be disastrous. They'll probably believe that she's their god! Just think of it, if they get their hands on her and feel her head with all that crap about Oyashiro-sama being her?"
Gendo said tonelessly, "Haruhi Suzumiya will plunged the world in a new dark age where barbaric rites are practiced in her name, where humanity casts away civilization and descends into a state of utmost primitiveness, from which we will never recover. Accompanying that would would be violations of the laws of physics to varying degrees, where they'll be monsters that eat and rape people, skies are blood red, a literal hell on earth."
"Sounds like a horror game series set in Jerkwater, USA," Yutaka noted. "Where your fears and fantasies disturbingly come to life and the mindfuck sets most of the horror, which in effect makes it a totally twisted parody of a Hayao Miyazki flick."
"Exactly, Yutaka. In fact, I have sent an agent before to extract him."
"Wait a minute," Shepherd said slowly, outrage in his voice as subtle as a feather, "you sent one of our own to rescue Arakawa... behind my back?"
"Yes, I did," he said in a matter-of-fact tone.
"I handle the agents, you sonofabitch!" Shepherd roared. "I'm the Deputy Director of Operations, for heaven's sake." He glared at the bastard with steely eyes.
"And I have the authority to circumvent normal procedure," Gendo explained coolly. "I deem it important to not consult you and pursue an attempt on my own." This made Keiichi Darling smile. Gendo has outwitted the macho, testosterone-fueled bonehead that was General Shepherd and that meathead Yutaka.
"Only the Director has the authority to do that and not his deputies," Yutaka pointed out.
Gendo turned to Yutaka. "Oh. I see." A triumphant smirk formed on Shepherd's face.
"Care to explain why you launched your own operation?" the general asked with a glare.
"We have a leak," he replied, "that puts all our operations in danger of compromise."
At the mention of leak Keiichi Darling's mouth went agape and eyes wide. Gendo's investigating a leak! he thought frighteningly. If they found out his manuscript he's doomed! He was really afraid of Gendo's threat of sleeping with the fish.
"You serious?" Shepherd asked in disbelief. Yutaka stepped in beside the general as though as to protect him from arrest.
"Yes, general," the bastard replied. "Very serious."
Darling felt his legs quivered like tofu and went pale. He staggered backward to his desk, hoping to save his manuscript from disclosure or, if if comes to that, delete it to prevent discovery.
"Stay, Darling," Gendo ordered. "No one lives until my say so." The aide meekly, if hesitantly, obeyed, shuffling back to them.
The general and the bastard eyed each other menacingly, searching for a way to get at the other. Then the latter shouted, "Keiichi, grab his gun!"
"At once, sir!" the aide started but before he could jump on the general and grab his huge revolver Yutaka grabbed him by the crotch.
"AAAHHH!" Darling squealed, before being being served a body slam, which caused a great thud.
The general looked at mess of the quick commotion. "Can you tell me what's going on?" an outraged Shepherd demanded.
"Security," Gendo deadpanned.
"Security?" exclaimed Yutaka in his jock voice.
"And security is not a dirty word," Gendo went on, "crevice is dirty word. Security isn't."
"So in the name of security," Yutaka surmised, looking down at the struggling Darling, "everyone who enters has to have his bottom fondled by this drooling pervert."
"I'm only... doing my job, you asshole," moaned Darling, having trouble getting up and standing straight.
"Oh, how lucky you are that your job is also your hobby." That comment caused the aide's eye to tick.
Gendo said in his cold, calm voice, "Are we all done?" No one answered. "Good." He walked back to his desk, from which he could tower above everyone else to make them feel small and the room darkened again except for the projector screen. He than grasped his hands together in a pyramid.
"For the past six weeks, our operations across the world, from Helsinki to Hong Kong, have been compromised by our enemies. Many of our agents have gone dark and many have turned up dead or otherwise burned. Now our operation to extract Arakawa is danger." His glasses glint in the projector's light. "Someone with access to our agents and operations." He looked at Shepherd. "Do you care to explain, Deputy... Director?"
"No, I don't," Shepherd said threateningly, "I've observed proper security protocol at all times. I'll never betray my boys and girls. I think I believe someone higher up than me is the one who does the leaking." Listening to the conversation, Yutaka sighed in relief, knowing at least they're not looking for him - yet. He wiped the sweat off his brow.
"Well see about that," Gendo said. "In a few minutes my decryption team has found a video of yours in the Marriott hotel." Shepherd's eyes went wide in bewilderment, making Gendo smile. "We'll see what's going on right here under my very nose."
"Sir, your chin curtain is lovely..." Yutaka protested.
"No," exclaimed Darling, "what he means is Shepherd's done for." It's hard for the aide to conceal his glee on what was about to happen to Shepherd and by extension, Yutaka. The video to ruin them once and for all is about to begin...
"Oh, Shepherd-kun, you're here," wisped a school girl with pale skin and blue hair, her voice echoed loudly in the office as they watched the scene.
"Oh, hi baby," came Shepherd's voice, rather breathy and heavy. "You came just on time."
"Are you ready?"
"Yes, I'm ready to become one with you."
"Yes, Rei, let's do this."
After a few minutes of foreplay and... well...
"WHAT THE HELL!?" Gendo practically screamed at the horror he just viewed.
"Whoa!" hooted Yutaka, jumping up and down. He then put his arm around Shepherd's shoulders like the best buds they where. "I didn't know you had in you, old goat."
"Aw," Shepherd cooed, "I just gonna show Gendo that I still have the fire in me." He looked up with a grin. "Feeling alright up there, tiger?" Up there, Gendo fumed like a furnace.
"That's preposterous!" Darling protested. "You just shagged Rei Ayanami! The DD's favorite."
"So what if he did?" mocked Yutaka. "She's the ultimate fantasy poontang." The two laughed heartily like it was the best joke they've devised, and it was!
"AAAARRRRGGGH!" Gendo cried loudly as he jumped out of his desk with a halberd raised and shot up at Yutaka and Shepherd. Thus began a nonsensical fight that ripped the office apart. Darling scampered for cover like the pansy he was, hiding behind a potted plant.
In the midst of the battle the corner door opened and Kyouko casually walked in, then down from the platform to Keiichi Darling's desk. She sat then put a flashdrive in, copying the contents of Darling's manuscript, then putting in the drive. Finished, she got up and went back the way she came in.
Sasaki's esper came out of Kuyouh Souh's hair, which conveniently acted as a portal. "Not bad for a day's work," she commented.
End theme(based on the style and voice of Blackadder the Second's ending):
Adventures of Suzumiya Haruhi
Well end Kyon's life one way or the other
Living out her fantasy
Chunibyo's the only answer
Koizumi the esper!
The most handsome man
Itsuki the groper!
Felt by doctor's hand
Cross-over with Higurashi!
And Hellraiser and South Park too
Un-holy matrimony
Bugger-all with Kuyouh Souh
A/N: How was my chapter, guys? God, it's gonna be another long and busy while before I could get another chapter of this out. Anyway, the references, if you spot them, are Edward Snowden; Blackadder Goes Forth, especially Episodes 1 and 5, Postal 2(the ATF sign), which in turn referenced to the controversial Waco siege; Microsoft Sam, which would recur, I promise you; the Poptart Tragedy; and a small reference to MGS(the Hind D scene).