Chapter 14 – Her Side of the Story II

"Thank the gods! You're here today. We're all dying to hear what you have to say. This is better than 'Love Amongst the Dragons'."

"Where was I?"

"The war meeting. As if you don't know."

The Firelord called a war meeting one day, and Zuko finally decided that he ought to pay attention. If he were sensible, he would have found a good hiding place and eavesdropped, like she always did. Instead he stepped right into the hippo-lion's den.

She could have told him what would happen. Her brother never could keep his mouth shut. One of the generals proposed a plan that would involve the slaughter of some raw recruits. Zuko immediately scolded him for his lack of moral feeling. A challenge was thrown down, and accepted. The Agni Kai was scheduled for the next day.

That night, her father requested that she eat dinner with him. Azula did so, feeling light-headed with nervousness. She didn't let him see it, though. Outwardly, she was brave and bold as a dragon – as befits a member of the royal house.

She had never seen him so angry. Which is to say, his lips tightened from time to time, and he gripped his glass harder than usual. He told her what had happened in the war meeting. Although it was Zuko's place to say nothing, he had offered his opinion unasked. Although it was his place to show deference, he had contradicted and rebuked a senior council member. Even Ozai wouldn't have talked to this general in such an offensive manner.

Zuko's presumption revealed his lack of tact, control, and intelligence. What's more, it reflected badly on their family, and especially on Ozai. He also showed an intolerable lack of respect for his father's judgment and authority. It was the Firelord's right and duty to decide on matters of military policy. If

Zuko felt the need to speak up, then he implied that the Firelord wouldn't make the correct decision on his own.

Ozai wasn't even planning to accept the general's proposal. He might have been amoral, but Ozai didn't squander his pawns recklessly. He took a sip of his wine, and summed up the matter in that dry tone he did so well.

"If Zuko comes to another war meeting, I'm sure he'll wisely caution me not to sink my own battleships."

At the end of the meal, Ozai knelt down in front of her, so that his face was just inches from her own. Azula's heart was beating so hard that she wondered if he could hear it.

He stared straight into her eyes. "You would never do anything so foolish and disrespectful, would you, little Princess?"

Azula desperately shook her head "no".

"You," he placed a fingertip on her nose, "will learn from your brother's example."

"Yes" this time.

When the Agni Kai started in the morning, she wasn't surprised to see that it was her father standing in the arena, not the general. Zuko, however, was shocked, and immediately refused to fight. Ozai burned his face, stripped him of his honor, and banished him. As an additional cruelty, he gave him hope by promising that he could return if he captured the Avatar.

"That's why the traitor prince was a traitor? That's why his face was burnt? He talked out of turn?"

"Well, that was the final straw, anyway. I think that Father just couldn't stand the thought of inflicting Zuko on the Fire Nation. He was really almost too stupid to live, let alone rule."

"But still…"

"But still. Even I will admit that Zuko didn't deserve the burning. You see, that was a lesson for me, not for him."

As he left the arena, Ozai looked straight at her.

Message received. Throughout the entire ordeal, Azula wore a cruel and crafty smile, which is what her father would want and expect. Inside, however, she was shaking with fear.

A part of her was gleeful at her brother's fate. She had won! She had won! But when she went to bed that evening, she dreamed that it was her flesh on fire, her pain, her failure, her punishment. In the years to come, that nightmare would return to terrorize her again and again. And it still did.

She had finally got what she wanted. Her mother, brother, and uncle – the only people who bothered, challenged, or opposed her – were gone. But like everything she thought she wanted, it wasn't much fun once she had it.

"Wait a second… Iroh. He went away with Zuko, didn't he?"

"Yes."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Your father mutilated his own son, he may have killed your mother. So your uncle went away with one child…and left the younger child alone with this man?"

"So?"

"That's damned irresponsible. Did he at least ask you if you wanted to leave?"

"Why should he? I was fine."

"Were you?"

"I'm alive, aren't I?"

So she was left on her own with a tyrant and a thousand prying eyes – and the memory of those who were gone. It was amazing how much they haunted her. Until she was alone, she had never even realized that she wanted them around.

Now she was free to live openly, to work and train without fear that someone would question her odd habits. Her quest for perfection reached fanatical new heights. She was driven by her own contempt for her brother. There was nothing more ridiculous than a person who wasn't qualified for their job. Azula was heir to the throne, and nobody would ever doubt whether she deserved it.

Soon she was sent off on official missions. She was the Firelord's emissary to the world, and she needed a suitable image. Azula had learned as a small child that she wasn't lovable or charismatic. But she had to project some…some indefinable something that would make her remarkable, that would inspire obedience. She took her father as her model, and terror became her chosen tool.

Before long, the stress started to take its toll. To the whole world, she was the same as ever – composed, calculating, controlled and controlling. The cracks in her armor were invisible. Although no one else could see them, she could feel them.

Azula – who was so proud of her self-discipline – was suddenly prone to fits of temper. She usually kept the fury in-check (barely), but when it leaked through, it exploded. She often turned it to her advantage, and so acquired a fearsome reputation. The most famous incident was her showdown with Admiral Shen. Still, there was a catastrophe waiting to happen. Now she had a new hidden guilt, another source of secret shame.

Azula went through life waiting for her hard work to pay off. She had everything she wanted. Where was the happy feeling that would make her sacrifice worthwhile? Her joy was always deferred – it was always just beyond the next mission, the next challenge, the next success.

She was convinced that there was something wrong with her.

The Avatar's return made everything worse. She was making a report to her father when the news came. As soon as they heard, they instinctively turned to each other and locked eyes. Ozai and Azula shared a look full of terrible understanding. From that moment, that knew that great events were in motion, and that time was ticking down to a final reckoning.

It never occurred to her that her father was feeling pressure too – not until plans were laid for the invasion of the North Pole.

Azula sat in the war meeting and listened to Zhao pitch his ridiculous idea. She couldn't wait for her father to shoot him down. Zhao was a pompous ass. How had he advanced so far?

Then, to her astonishment and dismay, the unthinkable happened. His proposal was accepted. Azula bit her lip as everyone started to discuss preparations. This went against everything she had learned. Was she missing something? She would have to ask her father about it later.

In the evening, she requested a private audience with the Firelord. "Sir, forgive me for bothering you, but I need to learn. And I don't understand."

"Speak your mind."

"Why are we invading the North Pole? The cost will be enormous, and we won't gain any new territory. No one will want to colonize the frozen tundra. And no one would know how to survive there even if they wanted to. The Northern Water Tribe has only one valuable resource: furs and hides. But furs will never pay for a fleet of that size."

"I'm surprised at you, Azula. Conquest is its own reward, fear its own end, and glory the ultimate prize. Surely I've taught you this, if I've taught you anything?"

True. But where was the glory in waste and mindless slaughter?

He kept going. "The Northern Water Tribe is one of the last great strongholds against Fire Nation power. No one has ever made any progress against them." Because they never tried, thought Azula. Wise people. "From now on, the whole world will look to where the moon used to be, and know that I have done something which not even my illustrious forebears could accomplish."

That she did understand. Precisely what drove her father had always been mystery to her, but part of the mystery had just been solved. Ozai was the only Firelord in generations without any military experience or triumphs. He must have felt the lack keenly, especially since his older brother was a celebrated general. But there was only so much left to conquer.

Ozai and Azula were both competing against their own ancestors, and it was almost impossible to measure up.

Still. All those men and resources…all for some god-forsaken icebergs.

"You're upset. Did you have relatives in the invasion fleet?"

"My brother was a ship mechanic. I'm all right. Keep going."

She wasn't asked to go with the expedition, for which she was grateful. She was even more grateful when she heard about its disastrous defeat. But one man's downfall can be another man's golden opportunity. Azula was about to get her big break.

Both Iroh and Zuko were at the North Pole, but why they were there – that was something of a mystery. Reports from the North Pole were few and confused. It wasn't clear whether those two had helped or hindered the invasion effort.

It was a critical time for the Fire Nation. They couldn't afford to let such dangerous wildcards roam free. Azula was sent to bring them in. While chasing them, she crossed paths with the Avatar.

She immediately sent a messenger hawk to her father, informing him of the situation and advising that a small, elite team be sent in pursuit. When she received her answer, she was talking to a colonial governor. She read the note, and had to turn aside so he wouldn't see the tears in her eyes.

As she hoped, she was to lead the team. Azula was almost overwhelmed with emotion. Although she had been groomed for command since birth, she still couldn't believe the enormity of the honor, the extent of her father's trust.

If she could pull this off, her future would be assured. Her right to succession would be unassailable. What's more, she would be in all the history books – not as a footnote, but as a mighty hero.

That night, Azula set out candles with shaking hands, and she prayed to her ancestors. She prayed that she would prove herself worthy of them. She prayed that she would capture the Avatar and end the war, thereby completing the glorious undertaking which they had begun.

Why should she talk about her hunt? The whole world knew the details. Or the whole world knew about the thrilling battles, at any rate. Most people didn't know about the connections she had to forge, the witnesses she had to question, bribe, and threaten, the long, fruitless nights of surveillance, the disguises, the second-guessing and back-tracking, the clue-finding and trap-baiting. For every time they fought the Avatar, her little group fought half-a-dozen skirmishes with Earth Kingdom soldiers.

Those were long, grueling weeks. But Azula was out of the palace and away from her father, and she was doing what she was born to do. If she ever felt like stopping or slowing down, she felt the weight of history pressing her on.

For the first time in her memory, she was almost happy.

Almost. Even when he was gone, Zuko stood between her and complete happiness. Azula felt a nagging anxiety about his welfare. It was her duty to bring him back to the Fire Nation, but what would happen to him once he got there? If he were imprisoned or killed, that would be a waste, and Azula hated waste. He would never be a politician, but he might make a passable military man.

She didn't want him dead or jailed; he didn't deserve to be dead or jailed. She just wanted him out of the way of her destiny.

At Ba Sing Se, an idea hit her so suddenly that she acted on it before she could think about it. She told Zuko that she needed his help to take down the Avatar.

This wasn't true, of course. She had made her plans well in advance, and they all involved her usual helpers, Ladies Mai and Ty Lee. Together, those two were more helpful in a fight than Zuko was. But this was the only way that Zuko would go home in honor instead of chains.

Not only did he accept, but he betrayed his beloved uncle to do so. Zuko had chosen her instead of Iroh. This affected her deeply, though she couldn't even name the emotion. When they saw Mai and Ty Lee, Azula was so flustered that she made up a stupid and transparent excuse to get them out of the way. Zuko needed the glory more than they did.

Her gamble paid off. Ba Sing Se was taken, and the Avatar shot down. She and her brother returned home together.

They were on a ship, heading back to the Fire Nation. It was the middle of the night, and Azula was staring out over the railing, deep in thought. What had she done? Now her only competition for the throne was back, and it was all her own doing. She had already forgotten why she did it.

Zuko appeared beside her. Should she kill him? He was completely unsuspecting. She could heave him overboard before he even realized what was happening. Her father would probably be proud of her, as long as she didn't get caught.

She let him be. She always did.

"So, Azula. Mai and Ty Lee had to guard a bear?"

"You heard me tell them so."

"Admit it. You were just getting them out of the way so I could fight instead."

"I admit it."

"You didn't need me at all."

"No."

"Then why did you do it, Azula?"

That was the question, wasn't it? She struggled for an answer, she struggled for words. Azula ended up saying the only thing that came to mind, the only thing that came anywhere near the truth. For the first and last time in her life, she let her brother see what was actually going through her head.

"I know there are better brothers, but you're the only one that's mine."

He made a strangled noise. "Better brothers? You are un-fucking-believable. You're also a godsdamned liar. I don't know what you're up to, but I'm going to find out."

"A thank you would have been nice." But she was speaking to the empty air. He had already left. Azula turned back to contemplating the lonely ocean.

She was going to try. She really was. There was no reason for them to squabble like children anymore, and every reason for them to get along. The royal family had to work together for the sake of their nation.

Besides, her brother was the only person who talked to her like a fellow human being, not a superior. Or an inferior, in her father's case. Granted, she was a fellow human being that he didn't like much, but it was still refreshing.

But that hypocrite, Zuko, lied. He accused her of lying like she was some kind of hideous monster, but he lied first! On their first day back, she found him looking depressed and anxious. It was such a familiar sight that it made her feel nostalgic. It was completely uncalled for, though. This was his joyful day of homecoming.

Remembering her resolution, she dutifully asked him what was wrong. He replied that he was worried about their father's reaction. Zuko hadn't captured the Avatar like he was supposed to.

But why… Azula was suspicious. It was her job to know people, and something was wrong here.

"Who cares?" she asked casually. "The Avatar's dead. Unless somehow you think he miraculously survived?"

He looked away shiftily. "No. There's no way he could have survived."

Spirits! He was lying. Zuko knew something. This was a matter of national security, and he was lying about it! If he knew something about the Avatar, then he should have told her before they even left Ba Sing Se.

What to do? What to do? She couldn't just tell her father that the Avatar was alive. The news had already been spread to every corner of the Fire Nation. Retracting the story would be politically humiliating. And he would ask her how she knew. Then she would have to tell him that Zuko was lying…

She shivered. The consequences would be hideous. Maybe she was overreacting? Maybe she was mistaken? But if there was even a possibility that the Avatar was alive, then something had to be done about it.

In the end, she decided that this was Zuko's problem to fix, if there was a problem. Thus, one lie begat another. When she reported to her father, she told him that Zuko had killed the Avatar, not her.

"Wait. You shot down the Avatar? I thought…"

"That's because I lied."

If Zuko was telling the truth, like a good son and citizen, then she had just helped him out. She had ensured that their father would receive him well. But if he was holding out on his family, on his lord, on his nation…well, now he could correct his treasonous error before anyone found out.

Her worst fears were confirmed when he came bursting into her bedroom in the middle of the night, demanding to know why she had done it. He never believed that she had his best interests at heart, so she told him what he wanted to hear.

"What ulterior motive could I possibly have? Unless the Avatar was alive. Then all that glory would turn to shame and foolishness. But you said that was impossible."

There. If that didn't light a fire under his ass, she didn't know what would. Azula hoped he would nightmares about this. It was no more than he deserved – the stupid, stupid boy.

Azula knew that she worried about it. This was just one anxiety of thousands. She had performed so well in her mission, that her father decided she was ready to share some of his responsibilities. The Avatar's return had sparked various rebellions all across the Earth Kingdom. Ozai was spending more and more of his time with his military advisers, so he assigned more and more of his domestic duties to her.

While Zuko was making out with his girlfriend, Azula was running a country.

She still found the time to look out for him. Her spies informed her that he had met with a famous assassin. Maybe the Avatar situation would be all right, then. But now he was visiting their uncle in prison. Did he want to get himself executed? Didn't he know that treason would be the natural conclusion if anyone found out? She warned him against going – warned him without any strings attached. Of course he wasn't grateful for her advice, and of course he didn't listen.

If Zuko couldn't be helpful, he could at least try not to create any more trouble. Why the hell didn't he grow a brain?

On top of everything else, they were preparing to meet the Earth Kingdom invasion force. The Day of Black Sun was almost upon them. Her father didn't have any hands-on military expertise, which meant that much of the work fell to her.

Azula felt like she was drowning, and it wasn't-

"Lunch time is over. You will remain seated until you are escorted back to your cells."

Azula felt like she was drowning, and it wasn't long before others started to notice.

I have to admit that I borrowed a quote: "I know there are better brothers, but you're the only one that's mine". It comes from a song entitled "Brother", and the band is Murder by Death. Although the song isn't really applicable to Zuko and Azula, as soon as I heard that line, I just knew that I would put it into Azula's mouth.