Are You Insane Like Me? Been In Pain Like Me? Do You Tear Yourself Apart To Entertain Like Me? You Can't Wake Up This Is Not A Dream, You're Part Of A Machine, You Are Not A Human Being. Low On Self Esteem So You Run On Gasoline. – Halsey; Gasoline
"Nightmares again?"
I'd only just stepped out of my tent, very well aware that I had most likely woken both Maggie and Lee, but they'd never voiced anything on it. Being woken up by someone else's screaming almost every night wasn't a pleasing concept, and I knew more than anyone that the sympathy of it could run out very quickly.
Before the invasion they had been frequent, almost every night, but this was worse. So much worse. Since Alex, something would terrorise my mind the moment my eyes closed. And as the months went by without him, the longer I went without finding him, the worse it got. All sorts of images would flood my mind during the day, all sorts of scenarios on where he could be or what was done to him. At night, all of that became amplified and exaggerated, and I couldn't escape it, not until I'd screamed so much that it broke through the trance of nightmares.
And the more it happened, the more I fought off sleep. The more I did that, the worse my moods became, and the worse my performance became out on the field. Hal protected me enough as it was, but he couldn't protect me from Weaver, or his Dad, he couldn't justify my incompetent behaviour out there. I would end up getting someone killed. So with an unnecessary amount of shame, so much so that he couldn't even look at me properly, he said I was off the team. That I was assigned to duties at camp until I pulled myself together. Weaver's words of course, because the one thing I knew about Hal was that he was too nice to say something like 'pull yourself together' to me.
I looked at Tector, cigarette in his mouth as I made out his crouched figure in the darkness. I took some steps towards him, crouching down onto the make shift stool.
"Can I have one?" I asked, and he didn't even bother giving me a weird look, or some comment that I was too young to waste my life on cigarettes. He just opened his crushed packet, holding it out to me as I took one.
I lit it with his box of small match sticks, breathing in the poisonous air as it made its way into my lungs. I momentarily closed my eyes, welcoming the nicotine rush that I'd gone so long without. I'd missed these little bastards.
"You know, after I left the army, I had some pretty ones too," he commented dryly, and then chuckled a little as he breathed out smoke, "but damn, kid. You knock mine out of the park. I take it Alex is your brother? The one Hal talks about?"
I nodded, shoving one hand in between my thighs in an attempt to keep my fingers warm, there was no point in denying it. I turned to look at him, he looked just as tired and dishevelled as I was.
"Back in Afghanistan, my old Captain," Tector continued, staring out into the darkness of the other tents, "like a fucking Dad, since my real one was useless. I know that sounds cliché to shit, but hey, it's the truth. Said I was too reckless, that I took too much joy in it. That at the end of the day, these people were just that; people. That I couldn't dive head first without thinking about the casualties of their side, that there were still people who wanted no part in it – who just wanted to carry on living. Said I was gonna get myself or the rest of the team killed. Told him to fuck himself, these fuckers were killing and raping right at that second while he gave me that lecture."
He was silent for a couple of minutes, but I'd gathered he wasn't done with his story. It was brave of him, opening up about something that dark, especially to me. He didn't owe me anything, he didn't have any gain in making me feel better. But I guessed this was part of being in the Second Mass, everyone was family here – them including me in that brought an emotion so overwhelming and depressing I could feel it in the deepest recesses of my chest and stomach. Because I felt like I didn't deserve it, here I was with food and weapons and friends with a hope of fighting back, and Alex was somewhere with them, becoming one of them or being torture or dead. He deserved to be in this place, not me.
"We were on a basic patrol of one of the smaller villages, but we were supposed to be vigilante. There'd been sightings or whatever, I was too jacked up to really pay attention, but we ended up being ambushed. Right in between two shitty little houses, they're built differently out there. We were totally fucked, but me? Went in, guns blazing, firing like it was a fucking game. It was Cap, pushed me down onto the floor, got distracted and started yelling about how I needed to work with the team."
He sucked in a breath then, throwing away with butt of his cigarette, and placed both hands on his knees.
"He got blown half to hell, right then, I was covered in him. He'd been standing right where I was two seconds ago, if I was stood there any longer, it woulda' been me. Damn, it's like – you know you think your first thought is gonna be shock, you know? Or at least sadness, or something that makes you go paralysed, but it was the opposite. I fuckin' lost it, got Jack – one of the guys – to bust down one of the doors, and I threw in a fuckin' handful of grenades."
It makes you feel like a bad person when you hear about the shit that other people have been through, like all your problems are so damn miniscule and fixable somehow. It almost makes you grateful, in a way, for what you do have. And usually, I would have thought that like, but the reality was that I didn't have anything, nothing to be grateful that I still had. But then neither did Tector.
"We raided the house, or what was left of it, and you know what I found? One of em', only fucking one of em and he was dead. I got him, I thought to myself, I got the bastard that killed Pops." His voice became slightly strained, but he pushed on, and if I had been the type I would have placed my hand on his shoulder to comfort him. But the thought gave me so much anxiety that once I had finished my cigarette I'd placed both of them in between my thighs.
"That house had an entire family in it," he said solemnly, "an entire fucking family, four kids. One of not even a year old yet. Half dead or burnt to a crisp."
We sat in silence then, for the longest moment, and that moment was filled with a connection of some sorts.
"Every time I close my eyes I see Pops, hear what he used to lecture me with. Then I see those kids, those parents. I did that. That's on me. And I'm still the one who's alive right now, who's still got a chance of living. No matter what good I do in life, I'm always gonna have this in the back of my head."
"I guess… I keep thinking that I couldn't protect Alex when we were kids, and I couldn't even protect him properly now." I said quietly, running a hand through my tangled mess of hair, "In my head I go crazy with decisions that I could have made, done something else that would have him in my place here. Not the other way around. Losing Alex was on me, no one else. I can't ever forget that. I can't just carry on and pretend that everything's okay, I can't take each day as it comes because all I see is him becoming one of them. Him dead or being controlled or so, so much worse. And then when I lay down at night, and try and get those few hours of where I'm not in agony all of the time, I end up dreaming so much worse. All I want is to have him back. That's all I want. Out of all the shitty things that have happened, it's not asking much for my brother to be okay."
I had held back the tears for so long that letting them out now was a relief, and even with Tector there I didn't feel vulnerable. Because he got it, he got it so fucking well that we didn't need to say anything else. No words of comfort were needed because we both know comforting words fix fuck all. Instead, he placed his packet out for me again, letting me take one as I sobbed quietly beside him.
Just that morning Hal had had an earful from Maggie and Lee, and as he ran a hand through his hair, the stress getting to him, he couldn't help but look at Tallie sceptically as he listened to her words.
"Look Hal," Maggie's voice had dripped with agitation, "I get that your little sidekicks going through a lot, okay? I get that from her screaming half way through the night, but you gotta help me out here."
"We don't get any more sleep than she does man," Lee had interjected, her nose flaring up in anger, "but somethin' needs to be done, the way that chick wakes up screaming every time she even takes a nap sets me on edge. Do something about it."
He'd tried to argue against it, tried to tell them that all he could do was give her time. But it'd been over six months, and they weren't gonna take that bullshit from him anymore. And the truth was that he was being biased, he felt like he had a responsibility for Tallie, he brought her in. He promised they'd find her brother, she was even starting to open up to him, but he could only cover her ass so far.
Weaver, Pop, Maggie, Ben, Lee- hell even his Dad was starting to get irritated. So he did what he had to; he kicked her off the team. Only until she pulled herself together, that was what he had promised her. Though he wasn't exactly sure he could fulfil that promise, and the more promises he made to Tallie, the more he doubted whether he could keep any of them. He was digging a hole big enough to sleep in by this point.
The only thing he could think of was moving her bunk, but that wouldn't solve anything, because then she'd just keep someone else up. He couldn't put her somewhere on her own either, isolating her any more than she already was would just worsen the situation. Jesus, he thought, was there no easy solution?
He looked at her, her eyes hard with resolve but her tapping foot let slip of her nervousness. It was a tell she hadn't even realised she had, and weirdly enough it pleased Hal that he was the only one who could point that out. That he was the only one who knew her well enough to tell when she was trying to hide certain emotions, or when she lied. She had a habit of biting her lip whenever she did that.
"I'm not gonna lie to you, Hal, I'm fucked up right now." She admitted, her arms folded across her chest, "I've always been fucked up, but I'm trying to fix it. I swear, I'll even speak to Anne about giving me something at night. Just let me back on the team. Please."
If he was being truthful, he didn't like the idea of her going on any sort of medication to help with her through whatever she was going through. Whether it was sleeping pills or anti-depressants, he didn't want her becoming dependant on it just so she could be a reliable on his team. He wouldn't do that to her.
"Just- just talk to me, Tallie." He said softly, looking down at her as people continued on pass them. The camp was heading out on another supply run, they were looking at moving out too. They needed all the man power they had, and she knew that, which was why she was pushing him for it now.
That's not what worried him the most though, she was falling apart and he couldn't do anything but stand back and watch. They didn't have the men to just go out and search for missing family and friends, but he'd made her a promise, and he was doing nothing but watch it eat away at her from the inside out. He found her, he brought her here, and without even realising it Hal had become responsible for her.
"You know I can't do that."
Because he wouldn't understand, was what he knew she wanted to say, only she didn't. She felt like she owed him too much to say that, and it frustrated him.
"Listen, I get that you don't think I'm not gonna get it, and maybe I won't." He said as he leant in closer, aware that too close would make her feel uncomfortable, "But I'd rather be someone that you can unload all your shit off of to try and make sleep more bearable, than have you popping pills every other hour to keep yourself together."
"Hal I wouldn't be here asking you to let back on if I didn't have some clarity about how I need to look after myself," she said after a moment of silence, "I- I had a talk with Tector last night, it sort of put things into perspective more. I'm not saying that I'm gonna start sleeping like a baby, or that I'm okay, 'cause we both know I'm not. Just give me a chance."
He wanted to say many things in that moment, like how was she comfortable enough to talk to Tector? Or what did this conversation supposedly entail to make her feel more grounded, or that he was here for her. Instead, he nodded slightly. Take a step away from her and looking past her head, Ben waving him over. They were ready to head out.
"Okay, you have one shot. Don't let me down."
A smile spread across her lips, a long breathe escaping her lips in what seemed to be relief. He hadn't seen her smile that widely before, actually from what he could recall she'd only ever cracked a slight grin at the corner of her lips. His suddenly felt warm then, swiftly followed by his stomach dropping, making him feel terrified and strangely exhilarated at the same time. He pushed the thought and emotion away, allowing himself to at least enjoy the fact that he had been the one to make her smile like that.
"Wouldn't dream of it, Hal."
Hey guys! I was stuck on how to move the story along while creating bonds with other characters, so I sort of abandoned the canon storyline for the moment, just to work on character and relationship development for now. I sort of have this image of Thalia eventually being Tector and Pope's mini protégée, which sounded a hell of a lot more endearing in my head. But hey, I really like the scene I wrote out with her and Tector, I'm not sure how accurate I was in terms of army talk, but I hope it was decent enough.
I do hope you guys review, would be great to see what you all think!
Also, I added a few lines from one of Halsey's songs, Gasoline, at the top. I'm currently obsessed with her album Badlands, and literally every song on there gives me inspiration for Thalia and her relationship with Hal. Give it a listen, you won't regret it! That album is amazing!