CHAPTER 14

The first time I awaken, I can hear Emmett and Rosalie talking but they must be in another room. Their voices are muted, like they are underwater. I'm drifting in and out sleep, floating just on the surface. My ears feel thick, heavy, as if they've been stuffed with cotton wool.

"Jesus Christ Em. I had no fucking clue. I just thought she was just being emo."

"You didn't know. She never said anything right?"

"I know, but fuck! Why do I have to be such a bitch all the time?" In a softer voice, she says "Bella honey, when you come home you can bake all the goddamn apple pies you want. "

She strokes my face, tucking my hair behind my ears. Rosalie sounds so sad. I kind of like that she's a bitch. I wish I could be more like Rosalie sometimes. I want to reach out and tell her it's okay, but I try to lift my arm and it doesn't move. My head feels like it's been coated in a thick white fog. My eyelids are welded shut and I am so so tired.

"Did you find that Edgar guy?" Emmett asks.

"No. But when I do find him I'm going to castrate him. How the hell could he do that to this poor little girl?"

"Maybe he didn't know."

"You're not seriously defending him?"

"I'm just saying. Maybe she didn't know. I mean, she was drinking beer with us the other night at the bar."

Rosalie is quiet for a while. Who is Edgar? And why does she want to chop off his balls?

"I can't find anything on this dude Emmett. No phone. No email. The most I could find was an address to a house in northern California owned by a woman named Elizabeth Masen, who by the way, is dead. That's it. He must pay cash for everything because there's no paper trail. No credit cards, bank statements. Nothing. Something is not right with this guy."

"I don't know, shouldn't we call her mom or something?"

"There's no one Em. Believe me, I looked. Poor girl. Her dad had a heart attack just a few months ago. Her mom's been MIA for years. The only living relative I could find was this great aunt in Seattle. But she's like, 92 and senile."

"Oh Little B," Emmett sighs heavily. I don't know how Rose knows about Charlie. I never talk about him. I don't understand why they sound so sad. It's too much to think right now and my brain can't keep up. I just want to sleep. I sink further and further into the bed until I am cocooned in velvety black darkness.

The second time I wake Rosalie and Emmett are gone. I hear a woman's voice, it's Esme. She's speaking in a low tone and she sounds distraught. Why is everyone so upset right now?

"Did you get a hold of him?"

"I tried Esme. I called the house again and again but it went straight to voicemail everytime. I even asked someone in town to drive up to the house to check on him, but he said it was dark and there was no car in the driveway. Said it looked like the house had been closed up for some time."

"I just cannot fathom how he could abandon her like this, leave her all alone to deal with this...He's your son, you need to find him."

"Look, I'm trying as hard as I can. But you know as well as I, when Edward doesn't want to be found it's damned near impossible to reach him..." He adds carefully, "...and we're not 100% sure it is even his."

"Don't be absurd Carlisle. You know it was his. You saw the way she blushed whenever we said his name."

Are they talking about Edward? Did something happen to him? I can open my eyes this time. I'm in a hospital bed. Esme and Carlisle haven't noticed me yet. She looks tired, her eyes are red and puffy, as if she's been crying. Carlisle is dressed in his white coat. She turns and sees me, rushes to my side.

"Bella sweetie, how are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," I say, but it comes out more like a croak. Esme hands me a cup of water and I swallow it down greedily. I look down at my lap. I'm dressed in a thin light blue hospital gown. The dinner party. Images of a skirt covered in blood pop into my head and I remember with horrifying clarity what just happened last night. Or was it the night before? I have no idea when and where I am.

"Oh my God, Esme I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened, I just, I started to feel sick and then there was all this blood. I don't know. I'm so sorry, you have to let me pay for your table linens."

"Hush now. Don't apologize. Are you sure you're okay?" Esme says soothingly.

"Are you in any pain Bella?" Carlisle asks.

"No." I feel oddly numb right now. "What happened?"

"We had to perform an emergency D&C on you Bella."

I don't know what any of this means. He may as well be speaking latin right now.

"I'm so sorry Bella...The embryo didn't make it."

Embryo?

"I don't understand."

"You had a miscarriage Bella. This happens to a lot of young women–"

Miscarriage? I cut him off, shaking my head in confusion. "What are you talking about? I'm not pregnant."

Carlisle and Esme exchange worried looks. She is holding my hand now. It feels like someone is pressing down hard on my chest. I can't breathe. I can't look at her or I will cry. I turn back to Carlisle.

"I can't be pregnant. I had my period two weeks ago."

"Some women experience spotting even during pregnancy. It looks like you were about six weeks along..."

It's impossible. I couldn't have been pregnant. He was careful. Every time. He never came inside me without a condom. Except...My heart sinks as I remember the morning he kissed me for the first time. I fucked him in the bath tub and I didn't once stop to think about protection. I didn't care.

Carlisle is saying something to me but I don't hear the words coming out of his mouth. He has that same furrow that Edward gets when he is doing something difficult, just above his right brow. Esme is crying now. I just stare at his lips but I see nothing.

"Enough. I'm kicking you out."

"What?"

"Between you and Esme, I haven't had a single moment to myself in the past five days. Seriously, aren't you sick of me yet?"

"No. Okay, maybe a little," my roommate admits.

"Good. The feeling's mutual.

"B, I really don't mind. I want to be here for you."

"I don't need to be babysat." She flinches a little at the word. "I won't slit my wrists, I swear. Go on. You can be here for me, just do it somewhere else."

"You sure?"

"Positive."

Because I think she thinks I expect it, she hugs me, but I can tell it's not a natural thing for Rose. She's not a particularly touchy feely person, except with Emmett. She awkwardly pats me on the back, a kind of creepy frail hug. Even if she gives crappy hugs, I do appreciate the gesture.

"Get out of here. Go have sex with your boyfriend."

"You're really sure? I am happy to stay here and watch some shitty romcoms with you."

"We are done having this conversation."

She grins. "Thanks B. Emmett is probably getting tired of his hand by now."

"Jesus. TMI Rose. Just go."

Rosalie is relentless. She asks if I want her to stay again before I finally have to physically push her out of the house. I watch her from the window. She looks back at me and waves, before getting into her car and driving away.

When I am certain she is not coming back, I walk to my bedroom and shut the door.

He's gone. They can't find a trace of him anywhere. In my delusional mind, I still held on to the hope that there was a chance we could be together. I was comforted by the thought that he was waiting for me on that mountain. That I could go back some day and find him again. But he seems to have vanished off the face of the Earth.

I cry all the tears I haven't been able to shed since I left him. I cry for the baby I didn't even want.

I didn't want the baby. But sometimes the thought of a little baby with Edward's face, his eyes. It might have been enough. Maybe. Something to hold on to.

Even now, I know these are all lies that I tell myself. It could never be enough. He's all I want. He's all I ever wanted. And he's not waiting for me anywhere. He doesn't want me. A mountain top wasn't remote enough, he needed to disappear completely. He need to be somewhere I could never find him again.

"How are you feeling Edward?"

"Shitty."

"Would you care to elaborate?"

"I can't sleep. I can't keep any food down. I feel like shit. And you won't let me drink."

"Those are normal side effects to the medication. It may take your body some time to get used to it. We can try adjusting your dosage until we find what works best for you."

"It's not working."

"I've had other patients with your condition on the same regimen as you with very successful results."

"I don't fucking believe you. I know it's not working."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I'm still a fucking...werewolf."

"You just need to give it a little more time Edward."

"I don't have any more time. The fucking full moon is in two weeks."