Chapter 14 - Clarity

The cockpit is quiet, Ventress and I avoiding eye contact.

A single tear falls from my eye as we leave Onderon. It's hard not to imagine everything I could have had here, with Lux. I could have married him, we could have been happy together. Maybe even had his kids. I would have protected him with my entire being. No one would get past me. But it's all over now, I suppose.

The Grays need me more.

We approach K-17, and a feeling of finality and dread washes over me. This is my choice, and I'm going to stick to it. Ventress casts one last glance at my face, but my expression is blank. She nods, saying nothing, and pulling us in for our final descent.

The hot red sand of K-17 crunches under our landing gear, and the Grays make their way out to meet us. Leading the pack are Chikari and Kronos, wide smiles across their faces. The cluster of wide-eyes and excited Grays clamour to get to the ship before anyone else.

Ventress descends before I do, and the Grays make a path for her. None of them touch her, they avoid contact. Her proud posture and her aura contrasts the excited mob around her.

I follow after her, at least, I try to. I'm almost immediately stopped by the Grays, their eyes all on me, asking me about my trip and about why it took so long. Chikari beams at me from across the crowd, her mouth drawn into a silly grin. Kronos stands beside her, his hand around her waist.

I remember the feeling of Lux's arm around me, his hand resting gently on my hip.

I remember more, but it's too painful to dwell on. I said goodbye to him, and made a choice to return. I can't go back on my decisions. If I had, I would be back with the Jedi, and have never had a relationship with Lux in the first place.

I may not be wise, but I do trust my own judgement.

When the crowd finally dissipates, only two people stay to speak to me. Norissa and Brons, arms crossed, make their way over to me. They wear determined expressions, their mouth pulled down on one side.

"Ahsoka," Norissa calls.

I nod, closing the gap between us.

"This is important," Brons begins. "Please, don't interrupt us."

"You may be our leader, but you are not a Gray," Norissa explains. "There is something you must do first."

I raise an eyebrow, but let her continue.

"As the Jedi seek peace, and the Sith seek power, the Grays seek Balance."

"There is a power inside you," Brons interjects. "A power you cannot control, because it is tied to your emotions, which you were taught to repress."

A power?

"You must work to accept this power and the new reality it will bring," Norissa finishes.

"How do I do that," I ask.

"Concentration."

Di'ari waits for me in front of my room, a sour scowl on her face. Her arms are folded, her jaw set back on her face.

"Did you see how happy they were?"

I nod, clasping my hands together. "They look like they really love each other."

She scoffs. "She could do better than that tattooed ruffian- no offense."

"None taken," I say, shocked at her attitude. "Why can't you just accept defeat? Maybe it's better for them if you just... Fake some happiness? She's not that petty."

She shakes her head. "Chikari wouldn't be able to forgive me. I made a mistake."

"Speaking of mistakes," I mutter, hoping she doesn't hear me.

"What mistake?"

"I may have... Pushed it a bit too far with my senator friend. But it's none of your business."

She looks at me again, a look of realization on her face.

"You, you-"

"Stop," I interrupt. "I don't need your attitude."

"You said you were just going to say hello, remind him you're alive, and leave."

"Yeah, well, that's not exactly what happened."

"By the force, Ahsoka, don't you have any self respect?"

Anger boils up in me, a hot flame licking the insides of my head, and forcing my anger out in a blast.

"That's none of your business, Di'ari," I screech, slamming my bedroom door behind me.

I let out a guttural cry as I slide down the door.

That was uncalled for.

"Focus, Ahsoka!"

Norissa sits across from me, sitting in a meditating position. Her eyes only flick open for a second as she tells me to focus. In that instant, her concentration breaks slightly, and she wobbles a bit as she levitates off the ground.

"Remember our code.

There is no Dark Side, there is no Light.

There is only the Force.

I do what I must to keep the balance.

The balance is what bonds me.

There is no Good without Evil, nor is there Evil without Good.

There is passion, yet emotion.

There is serenity, yet peace.

There is chaos, yet order.

I am a spark of the surge, a protector of Equality.

I am the flame which lights the way through the darkness.

I am the tender of the flame, the warrior of Peace.

I am a guardian of Balance.

I am a Gray.

Only if you truly believe and accept this will you be able to purify your crystals."

I close my eyes again, focusing my abilities into finding the peaceful blankness of mind, while also trying to release my tension. Tiny blue sparks shoot from my fingertips, and a hot rush of anger and frustration shoots through my arms. My lightsabers sit across from us on a low table, their crystals exposed.

It's been two weeks since I got back from Onderon, and we've been doing nothing but meditating for most of the days until now. My crystals are lightening in color, my yellow saber is now a very light yellow, and my green saber is now a light green. The last bit of color must be purified before I'll have control of my new power and the official status of Gray.

I feel a surge of electricity as a wave of lightning shoots from my fingertips, and bounces throughout the room, and my sabers clear one last time, purifying completely.

"Well done, Ahsoka," Norissa congratulates me. "You did it."

I smile, glad of the release. My powers have grown, but I hope I will never have to use this new ability.

I take my sabers and ignite them, satisfied with the white glow.

Norissa pats me on the shoulder, and leads me out of the meditation chamber. I won't have to return for a while now.

"How about some food," she asks.

"No, I'd rather go to my room and rest," I say, gagging at the thought of food.

"Ahsoka, when is the last time you've eaten something?"

"I had some breakfast this morning," I say, remembering the dry grey bun which crumbled. It didn't stay down for long. "I've been feeling a bit ill lately. I'd rather just get over it."

Norissa raises an eyebrow. "Ahsoka, is there a chance that something... Happened between you and the senator of Onderon?"

I remember the night we shared and blush. "No, nothing happened," I lie.

"Oh, oh no," Norissa gasps. "This isn't good."

"What's not good?"

"Ahsoka, you're not sick. You have morning sickness."

"I'm not quite sure what you mean," I say, confused.

"You're pregnant."

My heart drops. My mind flashes back to Lux, and my pulse beats out of my chest. "No, no I can't be."

"It has to be it," Norissa pleads.

"No, no, you're wrong," I protest. "I'm not... No."

I rush away, tears filling my eyes and dripping down my cheeks, my breath coming in ragged and quick.

She has to be wrong, she has to be.

I can't be.

No.

This note is here for copyright purposes.

The Gray Jedi code is not mine, I found most of it on a pic from 9GAG, and added my own spin. I could not find the original source.