Well, here's probably the longest chapter of any chaptered thing ever. I hope people don't mind, but you know. People are people.
"Fool me once - I'm mad. Fool me twice - How could you? Fool me three times - You're officially that guy, okay? You know him, you know the one. You go to the bar and he's like, 'This suit is, uh, officially it's a Giorgio Armani, ech my dad knows him!' FUCK YOU! I AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIINT HAVIN THAT SHIT!"
"Hi Barbie. I miss you. It's so quiet after you die. There's nothing. But the voices...they never stop. (beat) See you in an hour!"
"What is this?! AND WHY IS IT IN MY STARFOX GAME-NO! NO, I'VE HAD IT! AHHHHH I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE! IF ONE MORE FUCKING WOOLLY MAMMOTH ASKS ME TO PICK UP TWO DOUBLE EGGS TEGPABLUGHUGJZQJFLSPLUH"
"Yeah, I think I'm gonna quit here, this game's starting to judge my lifestyle, I don't need that! I made it past age 18, I pay my bills, I pay my taxes, I'll sleep whenever the fuck I want, fuck you."
"Apparently the developers forgot that if you swim at certain angles you can give Aquaman a bald spot! EEEUHGHGHG! Aquaman, King of Atlantis and Conqueror of Rogaine. I QUIT. GHHHHUGH!"
"What did I see?! What am I seeing here, no what am I NO, is this—!? Is this—am I, right now at this moment, as Tim Allen...from Home Improvement...using a lightsaber chainsaw to fight a raptor?
''MMMMMMMMMM!...SHIET."
You got all your normal kinds of monster madness going on here in the background: killer plants, spiders, minotaurs, tempu—OH...Tempura...Shrimp? Oh...this is gonna be one of those days isn't it?
Sorry I'm dead. (normal) Okay y'know I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to disturb you. *Beat* ...wait, What? REAALLY? Really? I just...yeah great, grab the freaking question mark and keep moving. It's like war time no time to question this shit.
Please don't pick on me. (normal) Yeah well no. I wasn't planning on it-Holy shit!*Boss attacks, and Jon throws the controller through the air* A-are you being serious with me right now? This guy's gonna go around opening with lines like "please don't pick on me" and then immediately jump all over you like Bruce Willis in the midst of a bathroom emergency?
Captain Pumpkin Head says "please don't pick on me" then immediately sucker punches the shit out of you, but no dancing zombies mean business when they say things.
Cars...? Cars?! '''CAAAAAAARS!''' AND IIIIIIIII—HOLY SHIT!—WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU—I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS TO ME, GODDAMMIT, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!
I mean, what if after Super Mario World Nintendo came out with a teaser trailer for Super Mario 64, but upon release day, you were greeted with MARIO CITY SIMULATOR?! AND THEN YOU TURNED ON THE GAME AND SHIGERU MIYAMOTO'S GHOST COMES OUT AND IS LIKE "UHHH FUCKIN' WHO LIKES THE OLD MARIO GAMES AMIRITE? BRB, MAKIN' LEGEND OF ZELDA MODERN WARFARE!"
"What a beautiful day; wouldn't you say, Rockington? Oh, yeah. I l—I lost Rockington. I lo—I LOST A ROCK!"
In line with Banjo tradition, your challenge will consist of collecting as many pointless objects as possible.
(Record Needle Scratch)
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! YOU JUST HOLD ON A SECOND!
(cut to a fat Banjo running and picking up coins at a horrendously slow pace)
HAHAHAHA GET IT? BECAUSE BANJO-KAZOOIE WAS TOTALLY THIS TEDIOUS! (cut to black) HOLY SHIT!
"ECHSBAX! ECHSBAX! I'm goddamn upstanding with this right now. ECHSBAX!"
Hades has many allies. In fact, there a couple of hundred of them just up ahead.
Couple of what of them?
Couple of hundred of them
Couple of hundred of them?
COUPLE OF HUNDRED OF THEM just up ahead.
[very quietly] ᴴᵉʰᵉʰᵉʰᵉʰᵉʰᵉʰᵉʰᵉ⋅⋅⋅ᴵ ˢʰᵃᶫᶫ ᵈᵉᶠᵉᵃᵗ ʸᵒᵘ⋅ ᵃᶰᵈ ᵗʰᵉᶰ ʸᵒᵘ ˢʰᵃᶫᶫ ˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ᵐᵉ ᶦᶰ ᵗʰᵉ ᶫᵃᶰᵈ ᵒᶠ ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ⋅⋅⋅
Excuse me, Hades? Do you think you could speak up a bit?
ʸᵒᵘ ˢʰᵃᶫᶫ ˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ᵐᵉ ᶦᶰ ᵗʰᵉ ᶫᵃᶰᵈ ᵒᶠ ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ⋅⋅⋅
"ʸᵒᵘ ˢʰᵃᶫᶫ ˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ᵐᵉ ᶦᶰ ᵗʰᵉ ᶫᵃᶰᵈ ᵒᶠ ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ⋅⋅⋅" [Beat] ᵀʰᵃᵗ'ˢ ʰᵒʷ ʰᵉ ᵗᵃᶫᵏˢ⋅
Well if that's the case, then you're probably gonna be pretty much limiting yourself to port towns honestly, and even then they're out to sea most of the time. Why aren't you on a boat? A boat would really be a better fit for you, also what the fuck, who says that?
Okay, first of all, what kind of occupation is stroller? What kind of town is this? How did anyone learn speech if everyone only talks to sailors and there AIN'T NO SAILORS 'ROUND TOWN?
The Haunted School...The Headless Ghost! Y'CAN'T SKYEH ME! DEGHEUGHEUCLAKEVDOOM! Why I'm Afraid of Bees—well, that's obvious, innit? PIANA LESSONS CAN BE MOIDAH. The Beast...From the East...? Like, are we talkin', like, Asia, or Philadelphia?
The moral of this story is "Never think, or else the secret police might catch you and kill you no matter what." (beyond pissed) It's good for the kids, if it's good for the adults!
[screaming] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
[singing, holding operatically on a high C note] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
(An FBI warning screen spoof pops up with a sustained off-air bleep)
[YOU SICK FUCK: This program has been suspended indefinitely.]
Aw man, you and your dumb hobbies.
Yea, fuck you for being interested in things, you stupid bitch!
Who makes wax rubbings?
[smugly] I do, because I'm interested in things.
Okay first I was kinda advocatin' for you 'cause he was bein' a dick for no reason, thought you were the victim but now I can basically see that you're both pretentious fucks.
I'm going to enjoy this Halloween even if it kills me.
(distorted voice) And it WILL kill you, Mr. Tron!
(pissed) Shut up scary jack-o-lantern, I don't give a fuck about your shit right now!
(slightly embarrassed) I'm sorry man, I didn't really realize you were going through a thing like that.
(calmer) That's okay, just... think about how I feel next time, maybe.
Oh, God! It's him, it's him! ... NO! That's what he does! He raises your level of cleanliness to impossible levels of upkeep! ... Banana split, let's blow this Popsicle stand! Kumquats, I don't know, whatever!
(sprints out of Jon's house, chased by Mr. Clean)
(after both men leave) Well, that just sorta happened to me, I mean, I didn't even participate in that...
(beat)
it was cool, though
Your struggles are in vain.
(The screen zooms in on the message and starts turning red.)
Who wrote this game, Nietzsche?
You beat a heated retreat...
(upbeat) And this game I shall not complete!
After that, the sea floor split open and swallowed the Caribbean. Earthquakes ravaged the west coast of America and goblins were still really, really scary! (cut to Jon) Ew, I don't like 'em! I don't like goblins! ...Waaaaugh!
Mission briefing: Takeshi Kitano, otherwise known as Beat Takeshi, Japanese film director, comedian, singer, actor, author, screenwriter, poet, painter, okay what wasn't this guy?
LIKE APHRODITE RISING FROM THE SEAFOAM OF URANUS' SEVERED BALLSACK!*To the side* No, really, I'm serious, that's how it happened, look it up, it's... it's true, it's definitely true.
Game over? I think there has to be a game first for it to be over. Maybe they're talking about the game of life.
Now, at this point most people, like ninety nine percent of people, would do this:
(cut to him dropping the Takeshi's Challenge cartridge into the trash, and then dropping a lighter into the trash, setting it aflame)
*wielding a Crucifix* OUTTA THIS HOUSE! OUTTA THIS HOUSE!
*now burning incense* Spirits begone from this house!
Y'know, It's only just dawned on me right now, but do you realize that this is a Nintendo game in which you quit your job, divorce your wife, and go treasure hunting? ... TEN OUTTA TEN. TEN OUTTA TEN, HUNDRED OUTTA HUNDRED. BEST GAME. BEST GAME.
...not the Scissorm'n.
Well, I didn't realize you were going to go apeshit.
MMM, SCISSORM'N
Please stop.
"Clock Towel? That's not very scary." CLOCK TOWER "OH, GOD!"
"ANYTHING CAN BE BOUGHT AND SOLD FOR THE RIGHT OIIIIIILLLLL".
"From now on, what kind of place will we be living in?" "That's the fifth time you['ve] asked!" Yeah, well maybe it'd be the last time if you just fucking told me!
I did not factor in the Warp ability!
So can I start therapy now, or should I wait until the nightmares set in?
Can I please just tell the story? I didn't pretend to have been in Vietnam in multiple bars across the country to be treated like this.
OH JESUS OH... whozthat? Is this manganese!? I think I just got flashbanged! I can only see white... is that God?
(happy) Hey, hey, hey, it's wearing off! Guys, I'm not blind anymore! (sees that everyone left) ... (disappointed) Now I wish I was...
I don't think there's really an in-between on that.
...There is one way.
TWO KIDS GON' DIE TONIGHT!
I have a feeling the musical direction for this scene went a bit like this: "Oh okay, so the kid could possibly die in this scene, fall off the ledge, make a big splatter, so it's real morbid, it's real scary, y'know, just noodle around on the guitar a bit, (imitates guitar noises) Yeah don't worry about it, here's a loonie for your time, a toonie for your wife, our money's cartoon, OUR MILK'S IN BAGS-SCREW IT, I'M OUTTA HERE! (door slams)"
"I shoulda let you- what the fuck?"
Halloween, it's gotta be candy, Three Musketeers, lightest candy bar, fuck you.
I HATE riddles.
It's right up there with thinking for you, isn't it?
"Goomba! Fuck you!"
"Aquaman: Battle for Atlantis hit store shelves for a mere 20 dollars and received such crowning scores as RUN! RUN, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!RUN!"
"What's this blue pants? What's this blue pants? ...What's this blue pants? I can't get it. I can get the gold pants, but I can't get the blue pants, and don't even get me started on the purple pants. I DON'T KNOW WHAT ANYTHING IN THIS GAME IS"
(as Jon throws up a triumphant fist) YOU'RE THE BEST, AROUND—!
Time to celebrate this occasion by playing a real game! HP7P2P THE LEGO! Break it down, Captain Stingray! *Beat* Stingray... Stingray Beats... *another beat* S-Skrillex!
I'm ready for anything.
[Dramatic closeup of a mashup mook that looked like a dog with the head of a bald man]
WAIT, I LIED! I was NOT ready for anything! Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope SO MUCH NOPE. [Accompanied by splatters of that string of "Nopes" that fill the screen]
(said quickly) Fish face on legs! Yup! Yup! YUUUUUUUUUP! Oh, whoa. I-I think I lost my train of thought there for a second.
Just look at...just look at how strange the walk cycle is. They look like they belong more in a SpongeBob cartoon.(A clip of one of the walk cycles from the SpongeBob SquarePants episode The Sponge Who Could Fly appears on the screen; it is then displayed side-to-side with the game's walking animation for comparison.)
What?
[sobbing] I just couldn't bear it any more, PBG, I played MySims. I played MySims, PBG, I had to tell you...I came from California to Texas to tell you I know how you feel. [incoherently] Iss'a worst game I've ever played. [sobs] [incoherent shouting]
You came here from California? [camera zooms in uncomfortably close] Like, to Texas from California? I mean, it's freaking cold out, do you need anything?
[Beat]
[with bizarre enunciation] Apples AND grapes.
[holding punnets full of apples and grapes] Dude, you lucked out! [Beat]
[the two begin dancing to bass-heavy electronic music]
Jumping. In a car. Killed me. No, it's, I don't really, THAT'S THE WAY WE WASH OUR HANDS! (throws controller on the floor) FA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA!
They put FALLING DAMAGE in their motherfucking 2D platform game?" (Cut to a newspaper with the headline "JonTron Quits" while Eric Prydz' "Call On Me" plays in the background)
Did I say that I felt bad? Let me rephrase that: I feel bad for me.
Now, if I just remembered how to play this thing... [tries to load it into PS3] Oh, no, no, not on the PS3... Silly to think it'd be on the 2... [puts into PC tray] I'll just put it in the PC tray, see what happens... [game falls out] Well that's unfortunate. [opens DS and rams it with the cartridge] Alright, well, the DS can, uh, usually play the games, so... [places game on wireless router] Ohhh, it's a done deal, it's the wireless router! It's... This has not worked... [drops in dishwasher] Dishwasher? No... [drops in dishwasher again] Dishwasher? No... [throws in dishwasher a third time] ...Dishwasher? Yeah, that's what I— [shakes camera at SNES] Oh my God, how could I have been so stupid?! The SMBS! [places game in... upside-down]
Literally, with the motherfuckin' humming and the... bring on the Mariachi band! [Fleshgod Apocalypse - Embodied Deception plays] That's not Mariachi!
I don't wanna stop playing games, or doin' the things I love to do with you, or even making this show!
Hasn't stopped you before.
I want to become immortal, too, Jacques, just like Hercules: by playing the twelve games of Herc- wait, what'd you fuckin' just say to me?
I don't really wanna become immortal that much anyways, it's too much hard work. You gotta keep watching people going in and out of the White House for the rest of time. No thanks, Samuel!
[face in extreme close up] Will the defendant please rise?
[face also in extreme close up] If the judge backs up a bit.
You can't drink that. Iss gonna be like the scene in A.I. where Haley Joel Osment eats th'spinach. Because his older brother is taunting him. [muffled] And also because you're a bird so you'll die of alcohol poisoning.
Did I just trip up that robber..with a spider...and then do a moonwalk? (drops controller) THAT'S IT! THIS IS THE BEST GAME EVER! CUE THE SONG AND DANCE! (pops open bottle to have a rainbow come out; the entire screen is filled with rainbow as Jon drinks while chiptune music plays in the background)
You can see Beedrill, Porygon, Monkey, Mario Dinosaur, Poop, Abomination... WHAT IS THIS? Is this what happens when illicit Pokémon breeding goes unchecked? I'm looking at this from every goddamn angle there is, I can't tell where it starts and where it ends. Curly Howard, is that you? Did you come back? Did you come back from the ground mausoleum?
OH, *beep* *beep*, CO-*beep* *beep*! ...is that a poop rat? Is that a f*beep*in' poop rat?
[Later, in an incredibly-uncomfortable close-up] ...you despise me, don't you?
BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH! STRANGER DANGER!
Oh, we're doin' this again? I gotta...bag a' confetti saved up- WOOHOOHOOHOOHOO!
"Ugly people never win!"
"Also, she's a Nazis. And a Star Wars."
You must be Leonard...
Y'know I'd make a comment here, but I'm genuinely worried that he might actually have a disability - and then who looks like the bad guy, I mean, this guy, still a little bit, because he's the bad guy in the movie, but mostly me! Mostly
"Waddya- Waddya like? Street Hock!?
It is good to see you up and about; you've been in your cabin the whole voyage.
I bought the ticket, I'll do what I want!
What did I just see? Was that Arnold Schwarzenegger with a comb-over sticking out his H. R. Giger Dick?
"Here's a list of other things I wouldn't want him doing: ANYTHING ELSE BUT MY FUCKING SURGERY."
[about a Spider-Man console primarily consisting of a large joystick] A lot of these are just a penis. This one— thi-this one is Spider-Man's penis. [grips the joystick and presses a button on the tip] Bombs away.
[about one that looks like The Thing, with a suggestively placed joystick] This one is, uh, Fantastic Four's, uh, creepy golem penis. Okay. [fiddles with the joystick] Is this good? is this bad? I-I'm sorry man, I kinda have to do this.
[about a console where the tip of the joystick is Spider-Man's head] Oh my goodness, that's a bit barbaric, isn't it? Poor bastard...
[about a Shrek-themed one with an ogre-eared joystick] Weird! Gross! Ewww! This is the— that's the Shrek one.
[about yet another Spider-Man console which looks like a regular controller but has a Spider-Man figurine mounted on it in a rather interesting pose): This one is my personal favorite. Spider-Man po-points at your dick while you play. You can't make that up. That's really how they designed this. What the hell were they thinking?
[about a Deal or No Deal console] Deal or no deal? NO DEAL!
[about a Scooby-Doo console shaped like the Mystery Machine, with a Scooby figurine hanging off the back somewhat suggestively] Scooby's really, uh, goin' to town on the back of the Mystery Machine here, and Fred's like, uh, "Oh, Scoob! No! It's a kid's show, don't!"
~ Jewish rhino, top hat pig, dancin' lamb dunno he's about to get slaughtered! I don't know what- that- is on the right, I think- it might be a PHARAOH GOAT! ~
Why are you so hot?
Well, the fat keeps in the temperature and doesn't let out the cold, so i-it's sweaty.
Looks like you're out to lunch.
Okay, yeah, that's fine. Nothingwrongthere-Idontseeanythingwrongthere dishwasher? YES.
What I do wrong papa? I don't who—who you up? I fix. I fix it.
Jacques man, how'd you get here? Have you guys...have you guys been doing something...behind my back?
I can teleport, you numbnut.
Oooooooooooohhh.
YOU PIECE OF SHI-*roll credits*
Welp, better get out my shot-glass. (slams a massive glass mug on the table) Don't try this at home, kids; you just might end up dead.
"TDK, that's short for They Don't Kare about their reputation. A little known fact."
"Ubisoft, huh? More like U-Betta-Start-A-New-Company-Soft."
"Irem. As in, "IRemember them! oh wait, no I don't."
"Ah, my favorite publisher: Absolute-LEE copied Sierra's logo!"
"More like the Commodore Sixty-BORE." *snigger*
Aw, grommet. I-I used to say it all the time back in Cali. You couldn't stop me saying this word! Grommet this! Grommet that! THE FUCK does grommet mea-
Hope something likes it.