That afternoon, it was time to go back to Manhattan. Alex was dreading the long ride home, hoping that Olivia wouldn't want to talk about Amanda. She couldn't talk to Olivia, not about this. She couldn't talk to anyone. This was her secret shame, her punishment, her fear. She couldn't share it. She didn't deserve to push her pain, and that which she had caused, onto someone else.

She was also dreading their return. She knew in her head that nothing would have changed, and everything would go back to being the way it had been. Olivia would arrest perps and console the victims, and Alex would do her best to put them behind bars. They would work all day and come home exhausted, too worn out emotionally to do more than order take out and fall into each other's arms that night, when they would both lie in bed, holding each other, but unable to sleep as the horrors of the day replayed over and over in their minds.

But this weekend, something had changed between them, at least. Alex had let Olivia in, if only a little. Now Olivia knew the most horrible, hidden part of her, and she hadn't run. Not yet, anyway. Olivia had simply held her when she cried and assured Alex that she loved her. It was just what Alex needed, and more than she deserved.

Alex jumped as she felt a hand on her shoulder but relaxed when she turned and saw Olivia, a sheepish smile playing around her lips. "Sorry, Alex. Are you ready to go?"

Alex nodded and got to her feet, more than ready to leave this house and her memories behind.

Olivia slipped her hand into Alex's and gave it a squeeze. "I'm here for you, honey. No matter what. Try to remember that, okay?"

Alex nodded again and took a deep breath. She tried a smile and changed the subject. "I'll grab the big bag if you grab the small ones."

"Well, that doesn't seem too fair, considering there are four small ones and one big one!"

"The big one weighs more than the small ones combined."

"That's debatable, but – fine, fine." She smiled and cupped Alex's cheek. "You know I can never say no to that smile."

Alex beamed. Olivia always knew just what to say to make her feel special, to make her feel like the most beautiful, most loved woman in the world. She loved it. She loved Olivia.

She leaned forward and captured Olivia's lips with her own, hoping that the kiss conveyed her gratitude, hoping that Olivia knew how much Alex appreciated the small things she said and did.

Olivia deepened the kiss, and they stayed like that for several long moments before Alex stepped back, breaking the kiss when oxygen became a necessity. "I love you," she said quietly, a bit shyly, although she wasn't sure exactly why.

Olivia tucked a strand of hair behind Alex's ear. "I know," she said just as quietly, then smiled again, lightening the mood. "Okay, you win. I'll take the small bags."

Alex chuckled. "I'm very good at getting my way, Liv. You should know better than to argue with me."

"You think?"

They put the bags into the trunk of the car and started the long drive home in comfortable silence. Alex intertwined her fingers with Olivia's, enjoying the comfort that being physically connected to Olivia brought. "Olivia?" she said after an hour of this quiet.

Olivia turned to face her. "Yeah, baby?"

Alex sighed. "Nothing." She had just wanted to hear Olivia's voice, to reassure herself that there was no need to be nervous, and that everything would be okay.

Olivia brought Alex's hand to her lips and kissed it, but didn't press the issue.

Alex smiled at the sweetness of Olivia's gesture, feeling a warmth spread through her. The warmth of safety, and love. This was where she belonged, right here, with Olivia. "When I was younger," she began hesitantly, then stopped. "When I was – I mean, my father –" She chanced a glance at Olivia, whose eyes were full of understanding.

"Alex, you don't have to –"

Alex shook her head. "I want to. I want you to know, now. I trust you and I love you and I need you to know what he did to me – and – and what I did to her. I need you to understand."

Olivia didn't say anything, just nodded and didn't release Alex's hand.

Alex smiled weakly. Olivia was just so amazing, and Olivia's own strength gave her the fortitude to continue. She took a deep breath and began again. "It started when I was seven. It was somewhat innocuous at first – he would take showers with me, even though I told him I was too old, and wash me." She shivered involuntarily. "His hand would always linger just a moment too long between my legs, but – but I was only six, I didn't understand. And then when I was seven, he – he came into my room one night and he touched me, all over. He used his fingers, inside me – it hurt so much, I thought I was going to die. There was – there was so much blood!"

She took another breath and glanced at Olivia, who was listening intently, a look in her eyes that Alex immediately recognized as love. It made her heart swell, and she knew she could continue with her story now. She had to tell Olivia. She could see in Olivia's eyes that Olivia loved her, and believed deep down that she always would.

"It was sporadic, then – when my mother was out of town, when Amanda was at school and my mother was at work and I wasn't feeling well. But as I got a bit older, it was more often, until it was almost every night. I was used to it by then – he'd touch me, make me touch him, digitally, orally – on my tenth birthday, he physically raped me for the first time. He'd used objects before, but he'd never actually done it himself. It hurt so much, and I was just so miserable – I tried to kill myself that night. With Tylenol. Obviously, I didn't take enough. I woke up in the hospital. I was probably safer there than I was at home."

She looked up at Olivia again and saw the tears running down Olivia's cheeks. Alex gently brushed them away, and Olivia stroked Alex's other hand, silently encouraging her to continue.

"When I was nine, I hurt Amanda for the first time. I was angry at her. It was silly, but I blamed her for not being there. Back then, it was just when she and my mother were out that he would hurt me. She cried, and I just – I just kept going, did what he did, and it made me feel good, but then it made me feel horrible, like a perp. But I kept doing it. And one time – my mother and Amanda had been away for the weekend. My mother had taken Amanda to Disney for her birthday, and I was all alone with my father. He had his friends over. He – he let them take their turns. It was awful, just so awful – and when she came back I was so angry at her. I hurt her. I always did, after that. When I was hurting her, I wasn't the victim anymore. I had power. I needed it, then."

Olivia nodded and caressed Alex's arm, still not saying a word.

"Don't cry," Alex said softly, kissing Olivia's cheek. "Don't cry, sweetheart. Please. I just – I trust you. I love you. I wanted you to hear it from me. I wanted you to know. Now you do."

Olivia was finding it difficult to speak, and she swallowed hard. "I don't think any less of you."

Alex met her eyes. "I know. And thank you."

"Oh, baby, baby." Olivia pulled over into a parking lot and unbuckled her seatbelt so she could reach over and hug Alex. "Oh, baby, I love you so much. You don't know how much it hurts me to think of someone hurting you like that, ever."

Alex returned the hug, appreciating the comfort Olivia was offering, even though she knew in her head that she was okay, that Olivia still loved her, that she was safe, that no one would ever hurt her again, that Olivia didn't blame her for what she'd done.

Olivia tightened her grip on Alex. "Let me hold you for awhile, baby," she said quietly, pressing a kiss to the crown of Alex's head. "Please. I need you in my arms."

Alex was more than happy to oblige. She wished she could stay in Olivia's arms forever. She felt so safe here, like nothing and no one could ever hurt her. The thought was both invigorating and terrifying at the same time.

Alex's POV

"Hold me, Mommy," I whispered, holding out my arms to her. I was in so much pain after my father had hurt me, for the first time. My mother had come into my room to check on me in the middle of the night and found my sheets soaked. I'd wet the bed, for the first time in years.

She didn't even notice the blood.

She pushed away my outstretched arms. "Alexandra, you're not a baby anymore. You're too old for this." Instead of comforting me, as I needed then, she yanked me to my feet. "Change the sheets."

"But Mommy – Mommy –"

Before I knew it, I was over her lap and she was spanking me, hard. I began to cry, as much out of shock as out of pain. I hadn't meant to wet the bed, and my mother hadn't spanked me in years. That was when I knew that this was all my fault, that I was dirty. That I was bad.

Amanda's POV

"Hold me, Mommy," I whispered, holding my arms out to her. "Lexi hurted me, Mommy. It hurts."

"Oh, baby." Mommy lifted me onto her lap and rubbed gentle circles into my back. "I don't know why she's so mean to you, baby. You never do anything to her. You're a good girl, Amanda. A very good girl." Mommy kissed my forehead. "She's just jealous of you, that's all."

"But Mommy, you said Daddy punished her, so she wouldn't hurt me again."

"I'll have Daddy punish her again. She isn't allowed to hurt you, baby. If she ever does, you've got to come tell me or Daddy, and we'll make sure she's punished. Eventually she'll learn that hurting you is not acceptable."

"But Mommy, she just gets madder. She showed me bruises once, and she said they were my fault, and she hurted me more. That's not true."

"No, it isn't, baby. She has to learn. That's all."

I sniffled and curled into my mother's embrace. I didn't know why Alex insisted on doing this, to both of us. I just wished she'd stop.

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