Title: Journey
Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling.
Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT
Author Notes: Okay, I have been overwhelmed by many reviews, thanks a lot ...
MadamFist : I hope your test went well! And I do think Remus is needy (your review to The Teacher) in a certain way. Rowling says so too ;) I didn't know the song but you are so right, it is stunning :) I also think 'Goodbye my Lover' from James Blunt fits as soon as we enter DH ;).
JokerLoves : Yes, I do believe that it gives Remus a kick to feel that he knows Severus better than anyone. And making cold, distanced, controlled Severus blush is a special treat.
AshNox : Oh, you are here as well, great :D thanks for your reviews. I must confess that I am not a particular fan of Sirius, which makes it easy for me to write him from Severus's POV ^^ I'm glad you like him the way I wrote him. I like Tonks, though, and I am a fan of RL/NT, I have nothing against it but in the books there are so many things that you could use to prove that Remus was absolutely unhappy with her and was actually in love with someone else. And I think that if you have a certain pairing, like Remus/Sirius, you can find clues everywhere ... so can I ;) You only have to look for them. I think Severus would staunchly ignore that Remus was staring at Sirius :) Some things are a little tricky to write for me, for example Order meetings ^^. I am still finding my way into OotP ... Thanks for saying that you are impressed with my writing, if I wrote in German you wouldn't be, I'm not as comfortable with my own language ^^ probably because I always write in English.
Remus feels that he has to stay with Sirius when his friend is in a bad mood, he feels responsible and doesn't want to annoy Sirius by being home but not spending time with him, I think it is mentioned in later chapters ... and maybe he just thought that Severus might keep him for more than just the Potion ... I quite like the fact that Remus is not as open a book as Severus and we might not always know what he's thinking. You don't annoy me at all, by the way, it is nice that you don't just take it as it is, it shows me you dive into the story ;). Sorry for answering so chaotically, I hope you still know what I am answering to ^^".
Looking At You
Severus didn't dare Apparate, lest the Potion might suffer and because he didn't want 'the evil old hag' to ask impertinent questions about where he was going. So he had to think about what he wanted to tell the Floo for an address. He was standing before his fireplace, the Wolfsbane securely stowed away in his inside pocket, a hand full of Floo powder, wondering whether the fire would understand what he meant if he just said 'Remus Lupin's house in the woods' …
He sighed and tossed the powder into the flames that turned immediately green, then he put a hand over the flask in his pocket and said simply, "Remus Lupin." How many Remus Lupins were there in Great Britain, really? Surely just one. At least among those people connected to the Floo Network. He stepped into the fire and started revolving, catching glimpses of living rooms, trying not to breathe. But it was a rather longer journey and when Severus was already losing hope that the fire knew where to transport him, there was a violent turn to the right and he was literally thrown out of the fire onto dusty floorboards.
He scrambled to his legs, cursing under his breath for falling in such an undignified way like a little boy who had just traveled by Floo for the first time. But it had taken him by surprise, this sudden change of direction. Hopefully this was the right house. Severus brushed ash off his robes and looked around. The spacious living room he had stumbled into was quite as untidy as Severus had expected it to be; it was flooded with light, the curtains were drawn back and the peeling wallpaper cast long shadows on the walls. There were books stacked on the floor or lying open on all furniture that existed in the room and papers scattered over every surface. Severus thought that if he had a house such as this he would furnish it similarly; there were as many bookshelves as there were walls, several cages and glass tanks that had once contained creatures, and the threadbare armchair Severus knew so well, with a matching sofa.
There was barely room on the sofa to sit on, only a small space in-between newspapers, books and wrappers of various sweets where someone the exact size of Remus would fit in. On the floor where the werewolf's feet would rest, there were several cups which had probably contained tea or hot chocolate before they had been discarded and forgotten.
Severus strained his ears. The house was silent. He stepped further in and his feet whirled tiny dust clouds into the air, while the wooden floorboards creaked with old age. The sun illuminated the thick layer of dust that had formed on the floor during the weeks of Remus's absence. Severus noticed a beeline, that Remus had formed in the dust and that split in two at an open door and a closed one. Pinned to the door that led into the hall there was a moon chart.
Suddenly Severus heard a clanking, then a scraping and the sound of running water. As he made his way through the living room he picked up a few books and magazines and stacked them on the coffee table. Mostly Charms magazines ('World of Charms – New Achievements in Contemporary Charms' and 'Prince Charming – Magnificent Magic for the Modern Gentleman') and novels ('Spellbound – A new Case for Argentius Silver', 'The Redcaps of Stirling' and 'The Alchemist') and books about Magical Creatures ('Creatures of the Scottish Highlands' and 'The Common Garden and its Magical Inhabitants'). When Severus passed the shelves he noticed a very old edition of 'Dueling for Dummies' and smirked to himself.
"Severus," came Remus's voice from the open door to Severus's left. He had passed it without looking in. He turned round and found Remus leaning against the sink. "Good afternoon."
Severus entered the kitchen, glancing around at the dusty counters, the blackened stove and stained windows. Remus was smiling, his delicate fingers holding the thread of a tea bag that was swimming in the cup he was holding in a slightly trembling hand. The tea kettle was standing on the stove, one of the cupboards was ajar and behind Remus the trees were visible outside the window, swaying in a slight breeze; the way the sunlight, that was falling in through the window, made Remus's hair gleam was quite fetching. Severus lingered a few feet away from Remus, considering him with invisible delight.
Remus's smile broadened and Severus became aware that it touched his eyes for the first time, deepening the wrinkles around them rather nicely. "So quiet?" asked Remus hoarsely, removing the tea bag to put it into the sink.
"Tea bags?" asked Severus softly, nodding towards the sink.
Remus shrugged. "The white tea is empty, we used it all up the last time we had tea together at Hogwarts," he explained and opened the cupboard whose door was ajar. Severus made out the tin in which the white tea he had given to Remus had been kept. "I keep my tea bags in it now," added Remus, smiling fondly at the tin. His eyes looked reminiscent, reflecting the sunlight beautifully.
When he looked back at Severus he blinked and the corners of his mouth twitched slightly. His greying hair fell into his eyes, the sun highlighted the scars on his jaw and neck, Severus took two long strides towards him, encircling Remus's waist with his arms, and kissed him deeply, pressing him against the counter and their bodies together. Remus opened his lips and his mouth tasted sweet from the sugar in his tea. Severus faintly registered a clinking but paid no attention as he felt Remus's soft hair against his nose and the werewolf's legs pressing against his own, and a warm liquid soaking the front of his robes. He opened his eyes as Remus smiled into the kiss, and pulled back when he realised what was wrong. He loosened his embrace and looked down at Remus's hands which were still holding the teacup that was now empty, its contents spilled on their robes.
"Oh," said Severus stupidly but Remus shook his head and set the cup aside.
"That's alright," said he, reaching into his pocket to take out his wand and dry the stains on their chests. "Not to worry."
Remus smiled again and Severus leant back in to capture that smile and feel it on his own lips. Remus ran his hands up Severus's arms and cupped his face, gently responding to the kiss that Severus was determined never to break. He heard the birds singing outside and the wind in the trees. He found himself horribly sappy right then, but didn't care. He turned his head a little when Remus made to pull back and deepened the kiss even further, earning a moan that made him shiver and goose bumps erupt on his skin. But Remus broke the kiss anyway, mere seconds later, slightly out of breath and rather disheveled.
"Wait," said he chuckling, "I may not forget to take the Potion."
Severus stared at him for a few moments, until he remembered why he was even there. He pulled the glass flask out of his pocket and handed it to Remus who opened it and downed it more quickly than Severus had ever witnessed. He put the flask down on the counter, wiping his mouth with his eyes tightly shut.
"Ewww …" went he, shuddering in Severus's arms. "I know I should finally get used to it but it's just so disgusting." He reached for a glass in one of the cupboards and took his wand to fill it with water, for Severus wouldn't let him go to turn on the water in the sink. Then he rinsed his mouth thoroughly, emptying the glass with relief. "That's better," said he, his smile back in place. "I wouldn't want you to be forced to taste it."
Severus took that as an invitation. He breathed in Remus's scent when their lips met once more and he was immediately back in the dark corridor, stuck in the vanishing step. Finally alone, thought Severus, trying to forget that Black even existed. But he had been in this house before Severus had even laid eyes on it. Severus broke the kiss and looked at Remus rather more glaringly than he had intended.
"What is it?" asked Remus raising his eyebrows and resting his hands on Severus's shoulders. "I didn't annoy you, did I?"
Severus shook his head, reminded of the fact that Remus felt immediately at fault for every one of Severus's bad moods. He rubbed his thumb over Remus's jaw line but said nothing. He had to admit that he was still timid, lest he would say something offensive once again.
"I wish you'd talk a little more," said Remus, his face stern.
Of course, no matter what Severus did it was the wrong thing to do. "Why is that?" asked Severus softly when Remus freed himself from his embrace and rubbed the small of his back where he had been pressed against the counter.
Remus sighed. "Well, I like to hear your voice," he said, holding up a cup to offer Severus tea but Severus declined. "And I want to know what you are thinking." Remus took him by the hand and pulled him along to the living room. "As much as I enjoy," he paused and smiled sweetly at Severus, "being kissed by you … I would regret it if you left without having said more than 'tea bags'."
Severus watched him as he started tidying up the sofa, filling his arms with books and carrying them over to the shelves. Severus snorted when Remus struggled to balance all the books instead of using his wand. He took out his own and swished it, relieving Remus of the weight. "You are a wizard, you dunderhead, there is no need for such tedious work."
The books shelved themselves and the empty sweets wrappers vanished into thin air as he swished his wand once more. Remus watched it, his arms still slightly raised. "As Molly so nicely put it, you don't have to whip your wand out for every tiny little thing," replied he, his voice slightly scolding. "I do small things the Muggle way. That takes more time and the days seem a bit shorter. When you are alone and unemployed you have too much time at your leave."
Severus raised an eyebrow at him. "But you are not alone now," said he stepping towards him to sit beside him on the sofa. "And I don't want you to waste time you could be spending with me." Outside the sun was slowly setting, dipping the room in red light.
"Sorry," said Remus, laying his hand on Severus's thigh in that natural way that still thrilled him. "I thought you would leave again soon."
"It is the weekend and I can take my time," replied Severus, glancing at Remus who was staring out of the window. "But if you wish it I can leave."
"No!" Remus turned to him and his hand seized Severus's, intertwining their fingers. Remus lowered his eyes sheepishly, dropping his voice when he spoke again. "No, I had to be without you for so long, I don't want you to leave. I feel much more comfortable now. Don't take that away from me."
Severus looked at their hands, ashamed again. A feeling that just wouldn't leave him anymore. Like this other feeling that surged through him when he considered their laced fingers. "I was just teasing you, silly werewolf," he muttered, allowing Remus to lean against him. "I'll stay as long as you want."
"You'll have to stay very long then," whispered Remus. "I hope that doesn't interfere with your duties at Hogwarts."
"There are more important things."
They sat in silence for a while in which Remus started squirming and changing position continuously as Severus had experienced before. Suddenly something seemed to be on Remus's mind for he sat up straight and looked at Severus. "Yes?" said Severus when Remus seemed to be hesitating.
"Well," started Remus slowly, "Sturgis was arrested the other night … I wondered … if that has anything to do with what Lucius Malfoy and you were discussing the other day."
Severus looked into his eyes and wondered if Remus would be irritated by the truth. But the truth had been his friend lately. At least with Remus. "Yes," confirmed Severus quietly. Remus nodded but wasn't satisfied yet.
"Did you know he would use Sturgis to get through the door?"
"Yes," Severus repeated, though this time he felt the need to elaborate. "I told Albus about it."
Remus frowned. "So that was why that watchwizard came down, it wasn't a coincidence," he muttered more to himself than to Severus. "You didn't tell me about it," he added but his voice didn't sound reproachful.
"I forgot," said Severus truthfully. Remus's searching eyes bored into his and though Severus knew that Remus was no Legilimens he was sure he didn't need to be one. He nodded again and cocked his head to one side.
"Have you ever used Legilimency on me?" he asked quite unexpectedly. Severus smirked.
"Why, do you have anything to hide from me?" he said silkily.
Remus raised an eyebrow. "Have you?" he repeated, not allowing Severus to tease him.
"I admit, the temptation was strong," replied Severus. "But using Legilimency means breaking violently into someone's mind, being able to see every thought, every memory … without permission I would never have done that to you. And I daresay, you would have noticed."
Remus smiled a knowing smile. "You know, if you want to, I'll let you," he offered and Severus knew that he meant it. Perhaps he thought that looking into his mind would please Severus.
"No," said Severus, holding up his hand. "Flattering as that offer is, and tempting the prospect of finally understanding you, such an intrusion is not meant for people one cares about."
"One cares about?" echoed Remus in an amused voice. "Well, alright. But should you change your mind, feel free."
"You do not understand the art of Legilimency," said Severus impatiently. "Occlumency doesn't exist out of pure synchronism. I could see things you don't want to share, things I do not want to see. It isn't a nice feeling to have someone else sneaking around in your mind. No matter who it is. Since you are no Occlumens, you cannot choose which memories to show me and I cannot choose precisely which ones I want to see. Everyone has some memory or other they don't want to share, I'm sure even you."
Remus considered him closely, then leant back against his shoulder and pulled Severus's arm round his waist. "You are much more romantic than you are letting on, Severus," sighed he after a few minutes of watching the sun disappear behind the tree tops.
"What have I done to deserve such insults?" replied Severus in mock irritation.
Remus looked up at him, frowning again, and laid his arm round Severus's stomach. Severus stiffened slightly when Remus ran his hand up his chest. "I missed this," muttered Remus. "Coming back here to my old life after everything that happened at Hogwarts was pure torture. Sirius didn't visit much, either, he was abroad or at Hogsmeade, so I was alone again. I missed you. It didn't get easier with time. People say pain ceases but it doesn't. Not really. It disappears from time to time but it returns with the same intensity. And all I had was telling myself that you were feeling the same way."
Severus threaded his fingers through Remus's hair, unable to say anything immediately. He took some deep breaths, collecting his thoughts. After a few moments of silence Remus made to say something but Severus held up a hand. "Don't always take away my chance to reply something!" he snapped, startling Remus who closed his mouth at once. "You've done it before. You expect me to say something and then you decide you are afraid of my answer. There's no reason for that. I did feel the same way. And it didn't help that it was my fault."
"Let's share the blame," said Remus and Severus felt grateful. "I'm just glad that you are here."
Severus nodded, resting his head on top of Remus's and closing his eyes, remembering the many evenings they had spent like this on his sofa in the dungeons of Hogwarts. And wishing them back. He balled his left fist. He couldn't believe he had wasted precious time avoiding the werewolf because of meaningless fights. Outrageous that he had been unable to forgive him something, half of which he had never done, while Remus forgave Severus murder without thinking twice. He could have been soothed like this much earlier, had he confided in Remus that the Dark Mark was becoming clearer. He would have laid his hand on Severus's forearm like he did right now and said some meaningful words.
"I said I'd be there for you," whispered Remus. Then he fidgeted, causing Severus to open his eyes and look at him, seeing again that glint of the wolf in the golden eyes that met his own. His brows knitted. Remus forced himself to sit still and his voice betrayed nothing of his unease as he continued, "If there is anything troubling you, you can always tell me about it. Talking helps."
Severus knew. Ever since he had confessed his crimes to Remus for the first time, he knew. But he realised that this offer had always been one-sided. Remus, of course, talked to Severus without being asked. But he should be asked, thought Severus. Because Remus couldn't defeat that glint in his eyes on his own. And yet he would never ask for help. He was an even prouder man than Severus. And more dignified than Severus could ever wish to be.
"Are we as close as we used to be?" asked Severus despite himself, for he needed to know now. Remus raised his eyebrows, squirming slightly, and left no doubt about it.
"Closer," he said hoarsely and leant in to kiss Severus's lips rather chastely, before adding, "Or do you disagree?"
Severus pulled him closer and shook his head as he pressed his lips firmly against Remus's, embracing him tightly. It had been a long time since, and now was the perfect moment. It wouldn't be destroyed by unwelcome visitors or calls. Severus knew he had read Remus's behaviour correctly. The other night he hadn't felt as confident but now he knew everything was as it should be. He let his fingers sneak underneath Remus's shirt to caress the soft skin in the small of his back and felt Remus gasp into the kiss followed by two hands pushing gently against Severus's chest. Severus released Remus and waited as the werewolf caught his breath. He wouldn't admit to himself that he was afraid of rejection.
"You," started Remus then hesitated and continued, "can you stay? Overnight?" His face was flushed and he didn't meet Severus's eyes as he said it. Severus remembered the morning he had last seen that sheepish smile.
"Yes," he assured him, "if I may."
Remus chuckled and stood, pulling Severus with him. "You must. I cannot let you go …"
As he took his hand to lead him to the closed door at the far end of the room, Severus recalled that Remus had for a long time avoided around the full moon what he now offered. It made Severus feel a rush of overwhelming joy that made him squeeze Remus's hand. The werewolf smiled up at him in that same way and opened the door into the hall, guiding Severus left and upstairs. The way seemed very long and Severus felt tempted to press Remus against a wall now and then just to relieve the tension. But the werewolf's step didn't quicken, nor did he stop or hesitate when they had finally reached the door to the room Severus had seen Remus sit in, from his hiding place in the trees.
Severus followed Remus into the bedroom that still glowed with the last red light of the sunset. There was an ancient wardrobe that looked older than Remus, bookshelves even here and a white bed, the paint coming off and revealing grey wood. Remus turned round to face him, walking a few steps backwards until they were standing beside the bed. He took a deep breath, the sheepish smile never leaving his face, and Severus wondered why Remus thought he had reason to feel nervous when Severus didn't. All Severus felt was anticipation.
"I feel more comfortable here," muttered Remus, waving a hand to indicate his bedroom. "Grimmauld Place is so sinister."
Severus agreed. He liked being in a house that was so like Remus, radiating Remus's aura, cosy and bright. He felt at home, more than he did at Spinner's End or Hogwarts. Probably because it was always Remus who gave him that feeling.
"It is like you, this house," replied Severus.
"What, old and dusty?" chuckled Remus making Severus roll his eyes.
"Yes," drawled Severus sarcastically and Remus chuckled even more, "that, and warm and welcoming."
His head started to feel light and he thought it must be an overdose of Remus Lupin when the werewolf smiled and closed the gap between them to kiss him with all the tenderness that he had in his body. His trembling fingers fumbled with Severus's clasps and buttons, opening them more deftly than Severus had expected.
"I love you," said Remus huskily, the glint in his eyes slowly dying and Severus traced the outlines of his face with careful fingers, realising why that sentence meant so much to him. He was sure Remus had often heard those three words but …
"You are the only person who has ever told me that," whispered Severus as he leant in to kiss Remus's neck, letting his robes slide off his shoulders. Remus's fingers came to rest in the back of Severus's neck and his soft lips pressed against his temple, speechless for once.
The rough fabric of Remus's shirt was shed disdainfully as Severus pushed Remus gently against the edge of the bed. When the werewolf laid down on the sheets Severus took in his new scars, determined to memorise them carefully. Remus watched him patiently and Severus was pleased to see that there still was that same intimacy between them, that Remus didn't want to hide and that neither felt self-conscious. For the very first time it was like starting where they had left off as if not a week had passed between the last full moon at Hogwarts and now. Everything was the same. Except this intense impatient tension in Severus's body that he could barely control. A tension that told of the many months he had been deprived of Remus.
He thought that his memory must have been deceiving him. He could not remember that it had ever felt this blissful, that Remus's voice had ever been quite as becoming, or his eyes as beautiful. And his memory had been magnificent. Yet as Remus uttered his name in that drawn-out, hoarse moan, it heightened Severus's pleasure to a level that he could have sworn he had never felt before.
Remus's fingers were drawing circles on Severus's damp skin as they had always done and again he shivered with pleasant familiarity that, he thought, nothing could exceed in quality. "Will you really sleep here?" asked Remus very hoarsely and Severus raised his head to look at him, propping himself up on his elbow.
"Of course," said Severus softly, his voice milder than he could have made it sound had he tried on purpose.
Remus smiled at him rather sheepishly again and pulled him down for a kiss. "I missed you," whispered Remus against his lips and it felt wonderfully natural to lie with him like this, not sure where his body ended and Remus's began. But he was, as always, unsure what to say, whether to say anything at all or rather be silent. Remus considered him with his darkened eyes that still told of desire and Severus couldn't tear his own away, threading his fingers through that greying hair that was splayed over the white pillow like gold and silver.
"You never say anything," muttered Remus, obviously in the hope that Severus wouldn't hear it. He shifted his legs and stretched a little, telling Severus that his weight was becoming uncomfortable and thus causing him to slide off him, though without losing body contact, keeping their legs entangled and his torso pressed to Remus's side, one arm round his waist.
"Would you like me to say anything in particular?" asked Severus, sliding his knuckles over the very first of Remus's many scars, making him close his eyes in enjoyment before he could answer.
"Well," mumbled he then, his eyes never meeting Severus's, "I'd just like to know if you … enjoyed …" he trailed off and Severus couldn't suppress a smirk. Self-assured Remus Lupin asking Severus if he had enjoyed it. Remus caught sight of his mocking expression and raised his eyebrows in obvious dismay.
"Look at me," said Severus and Remus obeyed, looking into his face.
"Yes?" said he after a few moments of silence, impatient for the first time.
"This," replied Severus silkily, "is what I look like when I've enjoyed myself."
Remus looked startled for a moment, then chuckled and settled down against Severus's shoulder, closing his eyes with a satisfied smile. "Good," he murmured before falling silent and Severus enjoyed for a while longer the werewolf's even breathing against his skin before sleep overtook him.