Missing you
Featuring: Ninth Doctor, Rose Tyler, with mentions of all Hatters.
The Doctor closed his eyes tightly, ducking his head as he leaned against the console of the TARDIS. Behind him, he could hear Rose talking, but the words seemed to simply wash over him, completely meaningless, and while he knew he should have been listening, that she would expect him to contribute, he couldn't bring himself to.
The silence within his head felt like it was slowly crushing him, consuming his every waking moment. It was like an endless battle, trying to find ways to distract himself from the crippling feeling, by going on adventure, by helping others, he managed to find a way to fight against that terrible silence, but how much longer would that last? He had to admit, though, that having Rose travelling with him had helped, that she had slowly began to make him see the Universe the way he once did, but the truth was that she would never be able to fill that silence. She was a human, only another Time Lord would be able to help him, to fix that silence, and he had destroyed that possibility a long time ago.
He would have even welcomed the Master or the Rani if it meant that this crippling feeling would fade, but he was under no illusion to think that it would suddenly make them friends again, just to feel another Time Lords presence in his mind again, would have been beyond fantastic…and then the name of the one person he refused to think about popped into his mind, completely unwanted, because with that person brought so much pain and regret.
The Hatter.
He felt his hearts clench painfully and his breath suddenly turned ragged, and he closed his eyes tighter, feeling tears beginning to build hotly at the corner of his eyes as he slumped forward. His entire body began shaking with barely supressed sobs and without meaning to, a strangled gasp broke free.
"Doctor?" Rose's voice suddenly asked and he felt a warm hand touch his shoulder, making him jump.
He took a deep, shuddering breath, keeping his head turned away from her, not wanting her to see, "I'm fine," he said sharply, pushing back against the console, and quickly began striding out of the room, off down the hall.
He needed to get away from her, he needed time to himself. She would no doubt wonder what was going on, but she wouldn't understand. Besides, if he couldn't even bear to think about...her, then how could he possibly even begin to try explaining to Rose what was happening?
He reached his bedroom and pushed the door open, practically slamming it behind him as he fell against it, and slid down onto the floor. He covered his face with shaking hands, feeling the emotions he had tried so hard to supress bubbling up inside him as he gasped for breath again. He felt ill and childish sitting on his own bedroom floor, struggling to hold back sobs, but he just couldn't seem to stop himself.
He missed her so much, the feeling of her hand in his, the way her eyes would twinkle, regardless of what regeneration she was in when she laughed and teased him. He had always been able to count on her to be there, to offer him a comforting smile or to make him laugh, even when the situation seemed so helpless. He even missed her temper, the way she would hit the back of his head when he said or did something stupid, how she could shout at him without hesitation when she felt he deserved it.
He missed being able to tease her back for being such an awful gardening and painter, for how she dropped a book on his head when they first meet, and for her obsession with hats. She was reckless and stubborn to the point of madness, hardly seeming to care about her own safety in most cases, and yet there was still a gentleness about her, one that while she didn't show it very often, preferring to hid it behind jokes and cheekiness, there was also an edge vulnerability there that reminded him of the little girl he had first befriend all those centuries ago.
She had been such a complex woman, made up of so many quirks that had been unlike any other person he had encounter before. She could go from being strong and determined one moment, to being kind and compassionate the next. She had a flare from the dramatics and an almost childlike love for fun that had driven her parents up the wall, but beneath that he knew was hidden someone that shouldn't ever be misjudged, who, while could be among the kindest people he had ever known, she could also be ruthless when the situation called for it. Even he had to admit that he had found it a little startling.
He choked back a half sob, half laugh as he remembered some of the things she had done or said over the centuries. The time she had asked him if his 'ego had fallen on top of his head?' during his Sixth regeneration, the time she had managed to convince him to dance in the rain with her during not just one regeneration, but several different bodies, and her ability to find endless ways to embarrass or tease him. She had been a genius with a mind that even made him blink sometimes, and what she failed at with botany or languages, she certainly made for when it came to building and inventing things.
And she had been his best friend and the love of his life, the one person who he had always thought would be there, the one person he had ever felt truly understood him. She had been his first love and even now, having lost her over a century ago, her lose was still so tender and painful to him that he could barely bring himself to even look at a hat without being struck by such a sudden pang of grief that it would make his knees feel weak.
A part of him was furious with her, if he had to be truthful. He had pleaded with her to go with him, but she had refused, and if he could go back and change something that would be among his top five things. He would have knocked her out if he had to, anything to make sure that she would be alive and well now, it wouldn't even matter to him if she hated him for it, because just knowing she was alive would make it worth it, but he couldn't go back and change things now.
He closed his eyes and leant his head back against the door, allowing his hands to fall back down onto the floor beside him. He desperately wanted to understand why she had refused to go with him, but at the same time he also felt guilty for feeling angry towards her. It almost felt as if he was disrespecting her memory by feeling angry towards her, though, he knew that she would have probably said he had every right to feel that way. That sounded like something she would have said and despite his anger towards her now, he knew that if he was to see her again, he would forgive her in an instant, because having her back again, alive and happy, would make up for any grief and pain he felt now.
Slowly, he climbed back onto his feet, and paused for a moment to run a hand down his face remove any traces of tears, just in case he should run into Rose, though, he doubt if that would happen. He opened the door and stepped out into the hall, and began to make his way through the TARDIS many hallways, turning corners here and there, until he found it.
The Hatter's bedroom with her name written across the door both in English and Gallifreyan. He had moved it far away from his own room, not having been able to stand walking down the hall and seeing it there any longer, knowing that she would never step inside that room again.
With a surprising amount of hesitation for this regeneration, he reached for the door handle and turned, slowly opening the door. The moment he stepped inside, the lights sprung into life, and he swallowed a sob, clutching the doorframe to stop himself from being overwhelmed by his grief.
The room was exactly as she had left it with books covering the bedside tables, stacked on top of each other. The chair at her dressing table was sticking out, as if she had only just stepped out of the room for a moment while the wardrobe door was partly open. The whole room looked as if it was just a snapshot in time, and he half expected the bathroom door to open and for the Hatter to step in the room, flashing him a bright smile, probably giving him a teasing remark about being in her room. Oh, how he so desperately wished that would happen.
He longed to hear her tease him again, to see that smile, and hear that laughter, for her to hug him, for her to tell him that everything would be okay. He would have even been happy if he could hear her shout or scold him again, to hear her call him 'sweetheart' just one last time. But he never would, and it completely broke his hearts as he turned back around, closing the door behind him.
It occurred to me that we hadn't had many mentions of Nine or about what it was like for him before he found out the Hatter was alive, and I just had to write this. I hoped you liked it and the next chapter will probably feature the Eighth Hatter and Doctor. Tell me what you thought, please review :)