A/N: Sorry for posting this chapter again, but a small mistake was pointed out to me more than once, so figured I should fix it.
Katie stared blankly at the doctor, not really processing his words. She couldn't. The only thing she was consciously aware of was Effy squeezing her hand tightly. The girl hadn't left her side. She'd lied, saying she was her sister when the ambulance had arrived. She'd lied again at the hospital. Katie had never been so grateful for a lie. She'd never been so thankful for Effy fucking Stonem. It was strange how the one girl who had driven her to the brink of insanity was the only person keeping her sane.
"I'm so sorry," Effy murmured when the doctor had left. She'd taken the card of the counsellor that the doctor had held out when it had been obvious that Katie herself wasn't going to take it.
Effy kissed her softly on the forehead and tucked her hair behind her ears. Apparently Katie had a clean bill of health. Apparently she was free to leave. It was over now. Done. Gone. No more choices. No more bad options. The choice had been made for her by God (if he even fucking existed). No more baby.
The pain was over. The bleeding had stopped. And yet, Katie was vaguely aware that somewhere inside she ached. Above all, Katie was numb. She knew that at some point this would hit her, but for now she just wasn't processing anything.
"You'll be ok, Katie. You're strong," Effy told her softly, stroking her hair.
Katie nodded dumbly. She didn't believe it, but it felt like an appropriate response, and Effy had said it with such conviction that maybe, just maybe she was right. She clutched Effy's hand a little tighter.
"Let's get your clothes back on," Effy suggested. "Hospital gowns always make everything seem worse."
Katie let herself be helped into her clothes, not caring what parts of her anatomy Effy might or might not see. It didn't matter right now. Effy wouldn't be looking, not really. She didn't know how she knew that with such certainty, but she did.
She signed out then she let Effy guide her outside.
As if by magic there was a taxi waiting for them at the curb. Katie realised later that Effy must have called it, but at the time it didn't matter.
The driver waited expectantly for them to tell him the address he needed to go to, but Katie couldn't respond. She looked at Effy with helpless eyes.
"Home?" Effy suggested.
Katie shook her head. She couldn't look at her mum and dad right now. She definitely couldn't face her sister.
Effy supplied her address and wrapped an arm around Katie, holding her close. Whatever hesitancy to touch her that the girl had had before in her room, she'd apparently gotten over.
Katie nuzzled into the warmth at her side and closed her eyes. She felt exhaustion wash over her. She was completely drained.
Sometime later, and she was unsure exactly how long, she was aware of Effy helping her up some stairs. She remembered lying down in a bed and then darkness again, overtaking her, swallowing her up and dragging her down, the whole world fading to black.
She had no idea how long she slept, but when she woke light was shining in the window. Her throat felt dry and her eyelids heavy. She was vaguely aware of what felt like dried tears on her cheeks. Memories flooded back to her and a wave of nausea washed over her at what had happened. She'd lost it, lost her baby.
She vomited over the side of the bed and remarkably there was a rubbish bin being held up for her. A tissue and a glass of water were handed to her when she was done.
"Thanks," she murmured as she wiped her mouth, then took a sip of water and spit it into the bin as well before taking a proper sip and swallowing it down, relishing in the cool feeling trickling down her throat.
She finally looked around then, and realised that she was back in Effy's room, with Effy perched on the edge of the bed at her side.
"You've been asleep for the better part of a day," Effy informed her softly.
"Shit!" Katie grumbled. "Emily..."
"I texted her from your phone. I told her to cover for you," Effy replied.
"Did she ask why?" Katie needed to know.
Effy shrugged. "It didn't matter."
Katie rolled onto her back and stared up at the stark white ceiling. "You need some fucking colour in this room."
Katie heard a small laugh from Effy, but it sounded hollow and when Katie looked back at the girl's face, she saw undisguised concern. When had that happened, she wondered. When had Effy Stonem started to give a fuck about her? It didn't seem right.
Effy lay down beside her and took her hand, squeezing it tightly. "How do you feel?"
Katie let out a small bark of a laugh that almost physically hurt her.
"Sorry. Stupid question," Effy murmured. "I just meant physically. Does anything hurt?"
Katie shook her head. Physically there was no pain. Emotionally, though, she was aware of pain surrounding her, waiting to pounce.
"Good," Effy replied.
"Is it?" Katie questioned. It didn't feel good. Nothing felt good. Maybe if there was physical pain she'd be able to deal better. Maybe she'd be able to remember it was real. At the moment it still felt a bit like a bad dream.
Effy didn't answer. She simply squeezed Katie's hand before pulling her own away and stroking her hair. She leaned forward and kissed her tenderly on the forehead.
"Why're you doing this? Why're you being so good to me? We hate each other," Katie pointed out, eyes closing so that she wouldn't have to stare at the judgmentally white ceiling any longer.
"I don't hate you, Katie. I never hated you," Effy whispered into her hair.
Katie felt a tear trickle down her cheek. If she was honest with herself, she'd never truly hated Effy either. She'd tried. God knows she'd tried. She'd been scared of her. She'd disliked her. She'd been angry with her. But she'd never hated her. "Me either," she finally admitted aloud.
"Shhh," Effy shushed her. "Don't worry. There's no need."
Katie turned unthinkingly into the warm touch next to her, taking comfort from it.
Katie felt herself drifting into unconsciousness yet again; being awake was just too much. She was on the verge of sleep when she thought she heard the words, "I love you, Katie," whispered somewhere above her. She didn't have time to think on it. She wasn't even sure it was real.
Effy's heart broke for the girl at her side. She looked so small and vulnerable curled on her bed. She had an overwhelming urge to protect her, to shelter her. She knew she had no right to, but for right now, while the girl lay sleeping, there was nobody else to do the job.
Katie had woken up again a bit later and Effy had managed to get some food in her. She had been rather relieved when the girl hadn't brought up her small (and unintended) confession.
Effy wasn't sure how she'd meant the words, but as soon as they were out she'd known that she had indeed meant them. That fact scared her to death, but right now, she knew that she needed to be as strong as she could for Katie. For all she knew, Katie might push her away completely when this whole ordeal was done. This might be her last chance to be close to the girl, to be there for her, so she'd do it to the best of her abilities. She owed Katie that much. More than that, she wanted to give Katie that much.
She rubbed Katie's back soothingly as tears started to stream down the girl's face in her sleep again. The little whimper that escaped her lips broke Effy's heart all over again.
"It'll be ok," Effy murmured softly to the girl, kissing her damp cheek. She didn't believe her words, but she hoped that Katie would.
When Katie's eyes fluttered open the next time, she saw a change. Katie's jaw was set a little harder too. She didn't need to be told that the girl was heading home now when Katie made her way to her feet. She didn't need to be told that Katie probably wouldn't come back, either.
Effy couldn't believe how sharp the pain hit her at that knowledge was.
Katie opened the door slowly, dreading whoever lay on the other side of it. She couldn't decide if her mother or her sister would be more painful to see right now.
Emily and Naomi sat huddled on the couch watching the telly. It was a good indication that her mum wasn't home.
She didn't look directly at either of them, just made her way to the kitchen to get a glass of water before she could head upstairs to bed.
"Hey! Where've you been?" Emily called out.
"Out," Katie replied, not wanting to go into details.
"You ok?" Naomi voiced.
"Fine," Katie lied.
"We're watching August Rush if you want to join," Emily offered, and Katie thanked her lucky stars that at least Emily didn't seem like she was going to pry at that moment.
Katie shook her head, but glanced at the screen anyway. A young boy was making his way up to a church and music was echoing out of it.
The lyrics drifted across the room and into Katie's head and froze her in place.
"And I gotta be myself because there's nobody else for me," a males strong voice sang out, and Katie felt her knees weaken.
(Hang in there with me) Sometimes it takes a different kind of love to raise a child
(So don't give up) So don't give up
(When pressures come down) Sometimes it takes a different kind of dream to make you smile
(So raise it up) So raise
(Hang in there with me) Sometimes we need another helping hand to show the ways
(So don't give up) So don't give up
(When pressures come down) Sometimes it seems impossible and that's why we pray
(So raise it up) We raise
The lyrics seemed to stick in Katie's very soul, dissolving her from the inside, breaking her down, breaking through the numbness and the shields that had been in place since before the hospital even.
"Seems to be nothing left for me. Momma's gone, Daddy didn't wanna be, and now I'm all by myself, wondering where is love, or should I just give up," a young girl who couldn't possibly have been more than ten but sang like she was so much older belted out, and Katie felt nausea rising in her gut.
"Life falls down on me, cuts into my soul, but I know I've got the strength to make it through it all 'cause I'm standing tall, breaking through this wall, I'm gonna give my all," another woman sang out, and Katie felt a sob wrack through her body.
She felt broken. How the hell could she stand tall? How could she give her all? She'd lost her child, and innocent soul. There would be no kind of love to raise her child. It was gone. She'd never even know if it would have been a boy or a girl.
"Katie," Naomi said in shock, and Katie became aware of tears that she hadn't even known were falling suddenly streaming down her face.
With the last strength left in her body, Katie turned and ran up the stairs. She collapsed onto her bed as sobs wracked through her, shaking her entire body. She could barely catch her breath as she wept.
She should have known better than to hope that she wouldn't be followed, but it wasn't the person she expected who knelt by her side first.
"Katie," Naomi's voice murmured softly.
"Go away," Katie growled.
"I can't do that," Naomi replied.
Katie rolled over so that she could see Naomi and she glared at her. "Why the fuck not?"
"Because Emily will be up in a few minutes with some tea, and I convinced her you're probably having like sex problems with Cook that she doesn't really want to hear about, but I saw Cook yesterday and he looked fucking pale, so I'm going to give you a chance to tell me what's really wrong. If I don't have anything to tell her, she's going to question you herself." Naomi answered.
Katie sighed and closed her eyes as she rolled onto her back, replaying the words to the song she'd just heard in her mind. She felt them pierce through her even more.
The only person who knew the truth was Effy Stonem, girl who'd hit her over the head with a rock. Would the second person to know really be the girl who's life she'd made miserable for years?
But then, Naomi had apparently forgiven that. In fact, she'd been nothing short of wonderful this year. She'd made an effort to reach out, to be there, and she'd never pushed. She'd been remarkably supportive.
Besides, Katie knew now that she couldn't keep this inside, and while she wasn't sure about Emily, she thought that maybe Naomi wouldn't judge.
"I had a miscarriage," Katie choked out the words.
In a second, Naomi had pulled her into a hug, wrapping her arms so tightly around her that Katie couldn't help wondering if she'd ever let go. Katie hugged back, clinging to Naomi as the tears continued to fall from her eyes onto some floral monstrosity that normally Katie would've made fun of.
"No wonder Cook looked like death warmed over," Naomi murmured, but Katie shook her head.
"He doesn't know. He still thinks I'm pregnant," Katie corrected.
Katie felt Naomi nod into her shoulder. Naomi held her silently for a minute, before saying, "Is this why you were so freaked when I said it'd been seven weeks since that party?"
"Yeah," Katie admitted.
"So it happened the same night you and Effy…" Naomi began.
"Shut up!" Katie warned.
Naomi squeezed her a little tighter as if to say that whatever the answer, it didn't matter. Katie found herself clinging even harder to Naomi as she buried her face in the blonde's shoulder.
"So where have you been the past few days?" Naomi inquired after a few moments.
"With Effy," Katie replied, bracing herself for some smart ass comment, but one never came.
"Good," Naomi said instead. "I'm glad you weren't alone."
Katie found herself crying harder again.
"And for the record, you're not alone now, ok?" Naomi added. "I'm here for you. Emily's here for you. We love you, Katie."
Katie tensed at the words. She and Naomi were barely friends at the best of times, and yet here she was acting like the best friend in the world. At that moment she could feel the love pouring out of Naomi though, and for once she felt it back. A sob wracked through her body in response to the overwhelming emotions. "I can't tell her, Naomi."
"I'll tell her, but you know she's not going to leave your side once she knows," Naomi warned.
"I know," Katie replied through another choked sob.
"Katie?" Emily's tentative voice came from the doorway.
Katie looked up through bleary eyes and saw Emily, practically on the verge of tears herself, holding out a cup of tea with a shaky hand.
Katie pulled slowly away from Naomi, who placed a kiss firmly on her forehead.
"We'll be right back," Naomi promised.
Katie nodded mutely and took the cup of tea that Naomi took out of Emily's hand and handed to her.
"But…No! I have to talk to her!" Emily protested as Naomi began to guide her from the room.
"In a minute. I just need to talk to you first. Trust me," Katie heard Naomi say in a steady voice as they disappeared down the hall.
Katie took a small sip of the hot tea then set it on her bedside table, pushing makeup that cluttered it carelessly out of the way.
She lay down on her back again in anxious anticipation. She knew that Emily would be in tears when they got back, and Katie still hadn't been able to stop the tears that were being shed from her own eyes.
It didn't take long before Emily burst back into the room and threw herself down on her sister, wrapping her in a hug and holding her close, weeping into her chest.
"I'm going to go. I think you two need some time," Naomi murmured awkwardly from the doorway.
Katie simply nodded.
Naomi approached cautiously and kissed Emily on the back of the head and then Katie on the forehead again. "I'm just a phone call away, and I'm here if you need me," she offered.
"Thank you," Katie croaked in response, tears choking her up too much.
Naomi smiled kindly, nodded, then disappeared out the door.
Emily climbed more fully in the bed with Katie and they turned in towards one another, placing their foreheads together. No words needed to be spoken between them as they clung to each other and cried.
Katie couldn't believe that she'd tried to go through any of this without her twin at her side, because right then, at that moment, she felt more whole and more loved than she had since the entire ordeal had started. Emily didn't judge her, she loved her unconditionally. Katie knew in that instant that Emily would be the start of her real healing.
Katie breathed in a deep ragged breath.
"I love you, Kay," Emily breathed in a shaky voice.
Katie let out the breath in a sob and held her sister even tighter. She'd never felt the words be truer.