Five months later
Ryan hated the winter. Most of all because Christmas time was coming…which also reminded him that Regan would be turning a year old…and that it would have been a year since Pam's accident. The more Ryan thought about it, he honestly thought how horrible of a reality check it would be to celebrate his daughter's birthday since he would be reminded that this was the same day Pam had died. How could Regan deal with it as she grew older that the day she was born was the same day her mother died? Whenever Ryan thought about it too much he would find himself getting very overwhelmed and depressed. In fact thinking like that would make him feel like going crazy.
He knew he would no longer look at the holidays the same either. Thinking back on how horrible Regan's first months were in the hospital, the drug use, the fighting, and the grief…his stomach turned.
Instead Ryan directed his attention back to Regan who had just began to attempt the first stages in walking. Two months ago she had began slowly crawling better and better every waking moment. In fact him and his mother had to buy baby gates to block off nearly every room. Often Ryan had to step over them just to go from the living room from the hallway. This puzzled Rusty who now spent most of his time sleeping in the kitchen.
Regan was a very active baby who seemed on the go every waking moment. Crawling around, she had began holding onto the sofa and standing up perfectly without any help. Ryan who always watched closely wanted to know if development wise if everything was fine due to Regan's compilations at birth. Her doctor told him that she was perfectly fine and was coming into her own at her own special rate. She was healthy and that was all that mattered.
She was beginning to talk as well.
At eight months her little gurgles and giggles had begun to slowly take form. One Sunday morning while Ryan was feeding her breakfast she looked up at him, her chubby face smiling before she giggled and said…
"Dada!"
Ryan dropped the bowl of oatmeal and stared at her with wide eyes. Looking around he hated that his mother was out shopping and had missed it.
"What did you say Regan?"
"Dada!"
She said more clearly in her babyish yet perfectly understandable voice. Ryan grinned and right away nearly broke out into a run to get his cell phone. Switching it to video it pointed it to Regan.
"Who am I? Regan? Who am I?"
He pointed to himself and Regan giggled.
"Dada!"
Ryan laughed, he hadn't felt this happy in forever. The next day at work he had uploaded the video on his computer and both Kelly and Erin gushed over how cute she was.
Speaking of work, Ryan had been working happily and peacefully at Dunder Mifflin. The day after this fateful meeting with both Jim and Michael he decided to just swallow his pride and think of Regan. They needed the money and any extra would help. He believed Jim in what he said and hoped this would somehow clear the horrible rocking past they shared. He knew he would never make up for what had happened, but he saw how lonely Jim was and how badly he somehow wanted to be part of Regan's life. The baby he had thought was going to be his. The one who in a strange way was taken from him.
He informed his mother and Pam's mother the weekend before he started. At first both of them sat side by side and eyed each other before Pam's mother slowly cleared her throat.
"Ryan, do you honestly think that's a good idea…most of all with Jim?"
Ryan explained his visits with Jim and both women seemed stunned. Ryan's mother blinked.
"Why didn't you tell us?"
"Because I didn't want to worry you. Listen, Jim is a nice guy…and me and Pam did something horrible to him. Something I can't ever take back. He's lonely guys and I think he's doing the only thing he can think to do…and that's to help."
Both women slowly nodded before they told him he could do whatever he wanted as long as it was in the best interest in Regan and she was safe.
He came back that Monday and sat at his old desk back next to Creed. He was grateful he didn't have to sit back with Kelly and feel alone. Sitting at his own desk he noticed a few weird looks before he settled in. Michael for once didn't make a scene and as he set up his stuff he placed a framed photograph of Regan on his desk and smiled looking at it.
This was all for her.
Jim strolled over later and chatted with him. Of course everyone was pretending not to listen, but it was very casual. Jim asked him how things were going and of course about the baby. The rest of the day seemed like any other normal day. Michael called a crazy meeting about sales, and Ryan took his lunch with Oscar, Kelly, Erin, and Andy. Nobody asked him questions, or acted super weird when Jim entered the room.
Time past, and Ryan kept to himself. He ate his lunches in the back room usually with Toby, Phyllis, Kelly, and Jim.
The awkwardness began to wear off. Michael still acted crazy and of course there were still those horrible meetings.
Yet every time he heard the phone ring, he would look over and see Erin answer the phone.
"Dunder Mifflin this is Erin."
His heart would sink.
Once or twice he caught Jim looking in the same direction.
Jim would offer to hang out for a few beers but they still hadn't gotten around to it. The most they stayed in contact besides work was emailing each other back and forth for this fantasy baseball thing they had going. Kevin and Oscar were doing it too. Jim's emails were funny and he often asked how the baby was doing.
Often at work whenever there was some free time he would stroll on over near Ryan's desk and hand over reports. Each time he saw few photos of Regan he would grin.
"She's getting big."
Ryan would smile.
"Yeah, too big for my taste."
His mother and Pam's mother had been supportive and finally one Friday afternoon Ryan asked Jim if he was free the next day. He was going to be home with the baby and watch the playoffs. His mother was visiting friends and he said Pam's mother might swing by with lunch.
Jim right away looked down and cleared his throat.
"Ummm, yeah maybe…"
Ryan smiled.
"She's been asking about you…come on we'll just relax, besides Regan misses you."
Jim grinned.
That Saturday after a few cold beers and sitting in front of the TV, Ryan and Jim sat on the living room couch with Rusty sleeping between them. They cheered at the scores and high fived whenever there was a good play.
Pam's mother swung by with clothes for Regan and dropped off some pizza. Ryan excused himself to wake Regan up from her nap. Leaving Pam's mother and Jim alone he hoped it wouldn't be too weird. By the time he came down the stairs he saw Jim and Pam's mother hugging. Pam's mother smiled and touched his face.
"Take care okay."
Jim nodded before quickly wiping his eyes and smiling.
Ryan held the baby and walked in pretending he hadn't seen or heard anything. Right away Jim and Pam's mother turned and smiled. Pam's mother stepped forward.
"Oh there's my little darling, did somebody just wake up?"
Ryan smiled as Regan buried her head against his shirt.
"Yeah and she's a little cranky."
"Awwww…"
Pam's mother leaned over and kissed Regan's hands before smiling.
"Well I'll leave you boys alone…"
Turning she smiled at Jim.
"It was really nice seeing you Jim."
Jim smiled before looking down at the floor. After one more kiss to Regan Pam's mother left them alone. After a few minutes of awkward silence Ryan cleared his throat before Regan began tugging on his ear. Jim looked up and grinned.
"Hey Regan…"
Ryan smiled.
"Let me make us up some plates then we'll sit down. Mind holding her."
Jim smiled as he walked over.
"Not that all."
Ryan handed Regan over and the baby right away giggled before laying her head on Jim's shoulder. Ryan went into the next room and watched them smiling.
Now a few months had past and life was slowly dragging alone. It would be a year soon since Pam's death and Regan's birthday.
Ryan sighed.
Life at Dunder Mifflin had been slow but the less excitement the better. David Wallace had stepped down and they were bought by a new company. Ryan got a slight pay increase and day after day he just sat back listening to Michael's crazy acts all the while watching Erin answering the phone and feeling his heart sink.
God he missed her.
Jim and him hung out one every other week. They would watch a game together, have a few beers, or just take Regan somewhere. Pam's mother found it nice that Ryan was letting Jim be part of her life, and Regan herself was very taken by him.
Christmas was coming and Ryan felt depressed. Twice he had to call his private sponsor since the urge to use was getting greater and greater. Somehow he knew Christmas would never be the same…
Ryan found himself that evening sitting on the living room floor. He had a few of Regan's gifts all ready wrapped and figured she was so young she wouldn't even understand what he was doing. Instead he sat Indian style with the wrapping paper and silent worked as the television played softly in the background. Ryan's mother said he should have even bothered wrapping, she was so young she might find the paper more interesting than the toys.
But Ryan wanted to make it special, it wasn't just Christmas…it was her birthday too.
Thinking of Pam, he felt his chest get heavy. It seemed harder and harder to think of her face lately.
Sitting there he signed before seeing Regan crawl around on the carpet beside him. The latest gift had been pulling Rusty's tail while he slept.
Regan was giggling before taking hold of the couch.
Ryan went back to wrapping before he paused.
Looking over he saw Regan hold onto the couch and walk along the side, her chubby little legs weren't moving quickly but she was getting the idea. For a split second she let go of the couch and giggled. Ryan's eyes widened before Regan took another step and fell right on her bottom.
Looking puzzled for a second, she went back to crawling.
Ryan dropped the tape he was using and smiled.
"Oh my God…"
He reached over and held the baby who giggled even harder.
"You…just…walked…"
His mother was out shopping, he went to yell for her before remembering. Laughing he looked at her before kissing her head.
"You took your first steps, what a good girl!"
The baby squealed with delight before Ryan scooped her up. How badly he wanted Pam here right now. Looking at her he smiled and then for no reason at all grabbed his cell phone that laid on the coffee table.
Dialing quickly he grinned when there was an answer. Regan wiggled in his arms and began talking and muttering to herself in the few words she knew.
"Jim! It's me Ryan! No, no…Regan just took her first steps! I know!"
He laughed while on the phone.
All the meanwhile Regan sat on his lap and giggled.