A/N: For Watersong77, who asked so nicely that I couldn't resist.
By the time they had fixed a decent evening meal, Sarek had arrived home. Everyone was appropriately polite, however it still seemed forced. Sarek complimented the boys on their culinary skills and helped clear away the dishes.
Jim stood uneasily in the doorway between the kitchen and the main room, looking at Sarek, who was working at his desk. Spock stood on the other side of the room. On impulse, Spock got Jim's attention and gave him a subtle two thumbs up. Jim broke out into a huge grin and nodded. He walked up boldly to the older man.
"Ambassador Sarek, I'd like to speak with you, if possible." Jim's voice was soft but steady.
Sarek looked up from his padd and glanced from Jim to Spock and back. "I take it this is a private conversation, between us?" He seemed resigned. Jim looked back at his mate, who gave a tiny shrug.
"Uh, that's up to you, sir."
Sarek stood up and motioned to the door. "Walk with me." Jim swallowed hard and followed behind him. He closed the door gently and continued at two paces behind Sarek. Sarek glanced back, his eyes gleaming in the evening light. "Child, you are neither my wife nor a slave. Walk beside me." Jim jumped forward to be even with him.
"Now," Sarek intoned. "What is it you wish to discuss?"
Having gotten to this point, Jim's mind suddenly went blank. He couldn't remember the plan they had agreed on, or if they had even agreed on one in the first place. The desert breeze lifted his hair up and he smacked it back down.
Finally, in a panic, Jim blurted out "I want to marry Spock!" He screwed his eyes shut and whispered under his breath "fucking – A."
Sarek nodded thoughtfully and took pity on the young man. "You wish to petition to join our clan?"
"Yeah. I mean, yes, sir." Jim's heart was pounding so hard that Sarek could watch his pulse point jump in his neck. "I love your son, and I'd do anything for him. I know it seems so sudden to you but you haven't seen us on the ship. He's my right hand. We're practically joined at the hip; the crew even jokes about it. No one on board would be the slightest bit surprised by this." Jim clamped his mouth shut, realizing he had gone too far.
Sarek stopped and turned to face Jim. "Professional compatibility does not guarantee personal compatibility."
"We've had that talk," Jim admitted. "I realize there are going to be issues between us. But we can work them out; we can meet in the middle." When he paraphrased Sarek's late wife, Sarek closed his eyes.
"I remember approaching Mr. Grayson to ask for Amanda's hand in marriage," Sarek began quietly. He opened his eyes and glanced at Jim. "It was extremely difficult for me. I was a stranger to him, and an alien at that. It is one thing to be diverse in friendship; it is an entirely different matter to intermarry."
Jim looked down. "So it was kinda like me asking you now?"
Sarek sighed and tried a different tactic. "Child, you will be a part of a same-sex, inter-species marriage. Do you understand the difficulties you are inviting?"
"But I love him," Jim whispered. His plea was heartfelt.
The two stood facing each other with no sound but the wind whistling around them. Finally Sarek put his hand on Jim's shoulder. "You will have opponents in this matter. But I will not be among them. If this is truly your wish, then I will be honored to sponsor you in our clan."
Jim locked eyes with Sarek and sighed in relief. "Thank you, sir." Having that load off his mind, Jim felt kind of wobbly.
"Let us go tell your t'hy'la. We have a ceremony to plan." Sarek walked off purposefully and Jim fell into step behind him. "What did we decide about you walking behind me?" Sarek's exasperated voice called out. Jim leapt forward again.
They walked back in to find a very nervous Spock waiting in the sitting room. He stood abruptly when they entered and looked Jim over.
"T'hy'la?" Spock asked. Jim gave him two thumbs up and Spock's eyes lit up.
"I think we're gonna have a wedding 'round here!" Jim exclaimed, and ran to hug his mate. Remembering suddenly his future father-in-law's presence, he released Spock and cleared his throat. "Sorry, sir," he apologized.
Sarek made a motion with his hand. "The cause was sufficient." He looked at the chronometer and nodded. "I will withdraw for the evening." He gave Spock a piercing look. "Live long and prosper, sons." The last word was strangely emphasized.
Jim shot a look back to Spock. "What was that all about?" he questioned. Spock's mouth was open slightly and he was still staring at where his father had stood. "Spock?" Jim tried again.
Spock blinked and motioned for Jim to come closer. When they were face-to-face Spock leaned in and whispered to Jim. "If I understood the context correctly, I believe my father just intimated we were allowed to consummate our bond if we so desired."
Jim clapped a hand over his mouth to hold back the laughter. Finally he gasped, "Oh, this is gonna kill me. I can't take it!" He bent over in silent mirth.
Spock sniffed. "I do not find the situation humorous," he stated flatly. However, his eyes told a different story. Jim straightened and threw his arms around him.
When Jim released Spock, he took a deep breath and sized up the situation. "So, we have a choice of both of us on the floor, or both of us trying to sleep in that bed." They looked at each other.
"Floor," they both called. Spock nodded and Jim smiled. Jim went into the bedroom to get a pair of shorts and his sleep shirt. On impulse, he zipped his bag shut and lugged it out with him.
Spock raised an eyebrow but didn't object. He had changed into a light shirt and soft pants. He nodded to the bathroom and whispered, "You first." Jim nodded and went to take a shower and get ready for bed. They traded positions and Jim picked out his spot on the floor, propping his head up on the closed bag. When Spock returned, Jim was ready to cut the lights but noticed that Spock didn't lie down. Instead, he sat with his legs tucked under him. He looked back to his partner.
"I will need to meditate before sleeping. Will this bother you?" Spock seemed self-conscious. Jim lifted his head.
"Why would it bother me?"
"You left this morning," Spock pointed out.
Jim shook his head. "I didn't want to bother you."
"You would not have been a bother," Spock responded.
"Your call," Jim decided. "I'm going to sleep."
Spock nodded and positioned himself. Breathing deep, he tuned out the rest of the world. Jim lay with his eyes closed, trying to will himself to sleep. He listened to Spock's breathing grow slower and slower, until finally it was spaced so far apart that Jim had to fight not to reach out and grab him. Jim peeked through his eyelashes and studied the form before him. Spock didn't move except to breathe. After five minutes, his eyes began to track back and forth, as if he were in REM sleep. Jim watched, fascinated.
But then something started to go wrong. Spock's breathing began to grow shallow and fast. His eyes were still moving. He began to grind his teeth, and Jim couldn't stay still any longer. He sat up and slipped one hand under Spock's.
"Baby?" Jim whispered. His thumb stroked the back of Spock's hand. "Spock, are you okay?" he called softly. The teeth grinding became clinching, and Jim squeezed Spock's hand tightly. "Okay, Commander, I need you to come out of this trance right now." Jim used his Captain's voice. It had worked in Sickbay before. However, this time there was no response. Now Spock's eyes were closed tightly as well. There was evidence of tears building behind his eyelids.
Jim waited two more terrifying minutes before getting up and walking quickly down the hall. He went to the door on the right and knocked.
"Um, sir, are you up?" he spoke softly.
Within a minute Sarek answered the door. "What is it?" he asked the anxious man.
"It's Spock," Jim began. "I don't know if this is normal or not; I've never seen him meditate before." Jim pointed back to the sitting room and Sarek grabbed a robe and pulled it on. They walked out and in front of where the prostrate Vulcan was.
Sarek took in his son's condition and motioned for Jim to come back with him to his room. When they got there, Sarek shut the door behind them. Jim looked back in confusion.
"There is not enough time for me to fully explain what is happening to my son. For now, I will tell you he is in a state not unlike a healing trance. For him to return to consciousness, you will have to strike him." Sarek was matter-of-fact.
Jim paled. "I have to hit him?" His eyes grew wide. "I've seen him in a healing trance before and he's never had to be hit to come out of it!"
Sarek's eyes narrowed. "You are certain of this?"
"Hell yes! I don't even think anyone on the ship would have the balls to do it!" Jim was indignant.
"Then how does he exit the trance?" Sarek demanded.
"He just does! Sometimes if I tell him to he'll do it," admitted the young man.
"Show me," Sarek gestured to the other room. They walked out and Jim knelt beside Spock, taking one hand in his.
"Spock?" he whispered. "It's Jim. I need you back, Spock. I need you to come back to me. Please Spock. Come back. You're safe now." Spock's breathing changed, and Jim glanced at Sarek before continuing. "It's over, Spock. You're alright now. You're going to be just fine. You need to wake up now. Wake up, Commander!" Jim insisted.
Spock took a deep, shaking breath before releasing it slowly. His eyes stopped moving and finally peeked open. His eyelashes were still wet from the tears.
"Jim?" Spock whispered. Jim went limp with relief. "What happened?" Spock stared back and forth between his father and his mate. Both were looking at him rather uncertainly.
"Holy shit I need a drink," Jim uttered. Spock looked alarmed and grabbed Jim's wrist as he began to rise.
"Explain." That was Spock's Commander voice, and just as it struck fear in the heart of wayward ensigns, it stopped one frustrated mate.
Sarek sat in a chair and regarded the two young men. "James, I believe I still owe you that explanation." He watched his son very carefully. "When a Vulcan is born, he is already bonded to his family. Most significantly his mother, for obvious reasons. However, he is also bonded to his father, any siblings, and to a certain extent the grandparents on both sides." Jim realized he was learning something that most outworlders would never hear.
"Other bonds come later," Sarek continued. "There are friendship bonds, and most important of all is his mating bond. These bonds make Vulcans stronger, and are a deep part of our psyche." Sarek paused, and then began again. "When a bond is broken, usually through death, it physically and emotionally injures the Vulcan."
Sarek closed his eyes as he finished. "Spock lost his mother, his brother, his grandparents, and the majority of his acquaintances in a single moment. Can you understand that this has had a profound effect on my son, James? What you are seeing is psychological trauma in his trances."
Jim was trembling in sympathy. "I knew Spock had to be cleared for duty, but I didn't understand why. I don't even understand how you've held it together from day to day," he told his mate. "Is there anything we can do?" he pleaded to Sarek.
"This will sound as if I am flattering you; however I assure you I am not. Your connection to my son as his t'hy'la is probably the single most stabilizing element in his life. Your affection has already begun to heal some of the damage, and is giving him the necessary strength to work through the rest." Sarek nodded to himself.
"This has been happening the whole time?" Jim asked in horror. Spock nodded weakly. "Jesus, why didn't you tell someone? You could have come to me or Bones or hell, even Uhura! We would have done something!" he declared hotly.
"This is a private matter," Spock finally joined in the conversation. "In the first place, meditation cycles are very personal. We do not share them with anyone."
"Then why did you let me stay?" Jim posed.
"You are his mate. You are the only one allowed in such a private moment," Sarek explained. "Amanda was overwhelmed at first by my meditation cycles; however she grew accustomed to them. You will eventually become adjusted to Spock's patterns."
"In the second place," Spock continued, nonplussed, "I would have lost my commission if it came to light how badly the destruction of Vulcan had affected me. You know that, Jim."
Jim blushed. "I didn't think that far," he admitted. "So now that I've had a couple of years shaved off my life expectancy, I'm so sorry but can we go to bed? I really need to decompress. It's been a rough day," he sighed.
"I am sorry, t'hy'la. Of course. Do you wish to sleep in your room tonight?" Spock offered.
"No, you're not getting rid of me that easily. Just, let me get some sleep, 'kay babe?" Jim responded.
Sarek stood. "If you feel safe now, I will retire. Good night."
Jim scrunched down on the floor and laid his head on his bag again. "You gonna shut off the light Spock?" he asked drowsily. Spock turned off the lamp and lay down beside Jim. Jim reached out and found Spock's hand. "I love you," he whispered.
"And I you, ashayam. Good night." They fell asleep with their hands clutching each other.
It was the first night they slept in the same area together.
A/N 2: I had written this without being aware of the concurrent story done by mattmetzgar about trauma and how it relates to meditation. I bow to matt's publication as the first to come out with it.