Ron: We have to talk to Hagrid about this.
Harry: Ron, let's think about this. Hagrid? The Heir of Slytherin?
Ron: What's wrong with that? He doesn't talk about why he got expelled, he likes dangerous creatures, Riddle showed you that he was harbouring said creatures, you ran into him in Knockturn Alley last year…
Harry: What part of 'Hagrid' didn't you understand?
Hermione: Harry's right. All we have right now is circumstantial evidence.
Ron: Yeah, circumstantial evidence that points to the culprit.
Harry: Ron…
Ron: Nope, my mind is made up. Hagrid's guilty. Now, what are you picking as your third year subjects?
Harry: Why?
Ron: So I can pick exactly the same things. Is Muggle Studies one of them?
Harry: Ron, I live with Muggles. I don't need to study them. What are you taking Hermione?
Hermione: Everything.
Harry: Hermione, you can't do that.
Hermione: Watch me.
*a few weeks later*
Harry: Well, there hasn't been any attacks lately, and the Gryffindor Quidditch team has been training hard lately. I think we might just beat Hufflepuff tomorrow *enters dormitory to see his stuff strewn across the room* God damn it, has Ron been stealing my underwear again?
Ron: *entering* Hey guys *sees Harry's stuff everywhere* What the hell happened here?
Harry: Wait, if you didn't do this…
Dean: Is anything missing?
Seamus: I think Harry's diary's missing.
Harry: It's a journal. And that's not good.
Neville: Has it got all your personal secrets in it?
Harry: NO! I am NOT getting mocked by the guy who forgets his pants, and still manages to wet them.
Neville: That's only happened twice.
Dean: Who could have done this though? I mean, the only people who have access to this room are in Gryffindor, and I can't think of any who are monstrous enough to do this.
Harry: I can think of one…
*the next day*
Hermione: Any idea who stole your diary Harry?
Harry: It's a journal, and I'm pretty sure it was Ginny. She's the only Gryffindor I can think of that would want an artefact associated with evil.
?: Kill…thisss time I kill…
Harry: Speaking of which, the voice is back.
Hermione: Harry, all I hear is hissing *face suddenly lights up* Wait a minute…TO THE LIBRARY! *runs off*
Ron: What is she…
Harry: I don't know, but I'm sure she'll be fine.
*on the Quidditch pitch*
Oliver: Okay guys, it's a clear day, we've been training hard, and we're only against Hufflepuff. There is nothing that could possibly ruin…
McGonagall: *running onto the pitch* The game is cancelled.
Oliver: Excuse me?
McGonagall: The game has been cancelled. Potter, you better come with me.
Harry: If there's been another attack, you can't pin it on me. I have six witnesses right here to verify that…
McGonagall: Shut up and come with me. Weasley too.
Fred and George: Which one?
McGonagall: Your brother.
Ron and Percy: Which one?
McGonagall: Fuck my life.
*in the Hospital Wing*
Harry: So who was it this time? *sees Hermione's been petrified* OH YEAH!
McGonagall: Potter?
Harry: If she's been attacked, no-one will believe I'm the culprit anymore.
McGonagall: There's also her *points out a Ravenclaw student*
Ron: Who dat?
McGonagall: Penelope Clearwater. I honestly thought you would know that Ronald.
Ron: …why?
McGonagall: Oh…no reason. Anyway, this was found with them *shows them a mirror* Any idea what this is?
Harry: A mirror.
McGonagall: Yeah, but why did they have it?
Harry: Well, it's not Hermione's, so I just assume that, like most fifteen year old girls, Penelope liked to use it to do her make-up.
McGonagall: She's sixteen.
Harry: But the book says…
McGonagall: Yes, because we really stick with what the books say in this thing. Now, do either of you have any idea who could have done this?
Ron: Probably the person who did it last time.
McGonagall: They're no longer a student here.
Harry: And probably incapable of doing it anyway *glares at Ron*
*that night*
Ron: We need to talk to Hagrid about this.
Harry: Good idea. We can clear his name, since HE ISN'T THE HEIR!
Ron: Or we can get him to confess. Seriously, Percy's really cut up about that Penelope girl getting petrified. He's curled up in a ball in the Common Room and keeps rocking backwards and forwards moaning "Penny, my dear sweet Penny."
Harry: Ron, combining that with what McGonagall said this afternoon, what do you think he means by that?
Ron: Well, since she was also a Prefect, I'm guessing they were very good friends.
Harry: "Very good" indeed. Come on, let's go see Hagrid.
*at Hagrid's house*
Harry: *knocking on the door* Hagrid, open up.
Hagrid: A'right, hold on *opens door slightly, immediately fires crossbow* Oh, it's only you 'arry.
Harry: And Ron, who may need medical attention.
Ron: *holding the bolt in his shoulder* This only strengthens my belief that you're the Heir.
Hagrid: Oh, not this shit again. Come in, I'll explain some things.
Harry: Like how you're not the Heir?
Hagrid: Exactly, and… *knock at the door* You boys may wanna hide *pushes them into a corner and puts Invisibility Cloak over them*
Harry: You know, we still haven't seen why this chapter has that title *sees Dumbledore enter with another man* That's the Minister, isn't it?
Ron: Yep.
Fudge: Albus, Rubeus, I assume you know the reason for my visit.
Dumbledore: Who are you again?
Fudge: It's me, Cornelius Fudge. The Minister of Magic.
Dumbledore: No, I meant the big guy.
Fudge: …anywho, after all these attacks…
Dumbledore: WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THOSE?!
Lucius: *entering* That would be me. Cornelius, have you arrested them yet?
Hagrid: Arrested? I 'aven't done a damn thing yeh can prove.
Fudge: Yeah, but you see, the government needs to be seen doing something, even if it does nothing.
Harry: A true politician, that one.
Hagrid: Look, I don' think yeh realise what a bad idea sendin' me ta Azkaban is.
Dumbledore: Just go with the nice man, kiddo. It sounds like he's got lots of candy for you.
Lucius: I don't think…
Hagrid: Alright, alright, I'm going. But if anyone needs any information about the REAL criminal, just follow the spiders.
Ron: *gulp* *the adults leave* By the way, my shoulder's killing me. Thanks for asking.