Sakine Syndrome
Chapter Fourteen

''Don't leave me here"

H-hey...

What's going on?

W-where am I...?

I-it's so dark... I-I can barely see a thing...

It's cold, too.

That's… kind of strange, actually. Why do 'cold' and 'dark' go hand-in-hand like that? In novels, and in movies, it's rarely just 'cold' or just 'dark'; they seem to happen together an awful lot.

W-why do unhappy, unpleasant things always have to occur in a string- one after another?

Is that just how 'life' is?

...It was cold and dark when I was born, too.

Before I opened my eyes.

I-it feels like it happened a long time ago- but it wasn't that long ago, not really...

I can still remember, with absolute clarity, the white walls... white ceiling... the people drifting about me in white coats; ethereal, somehow, like mist or ghosts. There were wires in my arms- lots of wires, a thick knot of blue and red and yellow cables, and I couldn't even guess what they all did or what they were for. Maybe they kept me 'alive'. There were lots of bright lights everywhere, too- they hurt my eyes, blinded me, and when I blinked spots of white lit up behind my eyelids. It smelt sterile; everything looked so clean- a-and I could hardly understand what everybody was saying; human speech melded together in an excited blur, a mumble of voices- distortion- static…

Nonsense.

Nothing.

It was cold, and when I closed my eyes it was dark- but when I opened them it was too bright- a-and I couldn't move, not even my fingertips or my toes. I could only blink. It felt like my whole body was frozen- from the inside; to the core.

I didn't know what I was doing there, and I was scared.

I-I...

It's...

A lot like that now.

I-I'm not in the lab- not anymore.

I know I'm not in the lab.

They tore the wires from my body and draped some bed sheets round my naked body. Then, they helped me to my feet- I was trembling; the tiled floor was glacial underneath my bare skin- ice needling through my toes. They took me to that strange metal box; an 'elevator'. I knew what it was before they explained it to me- a-and I could name other things, too. Floors. Walls. Ceiling.

But I didn't know who I was, and they wouldn't tell me.

Master told me, though.

When the people in white deposited me in that room, I was scared. A-always so scared... My surroundings seemed familiar, but I'd never seen them before. A spacious office. It was white, too. The floor was so reflective I could an upside-down version of me with blurred edges, who met my brown-eyed stare with one of her own.

She looked small.

Weak.

And afraid.

That small, weak, afraid, trembling girl- eyes too wide, hair messy, holes punctured in her skin from wires and cables with bed sheets draped round her shoulders- didn't belong in such a grand office. The floors were polished until they shone like precious stones, and the metal sculptures in the corner shimmered under the artificial lighting with a deadly grace- all pointed edges and smooth chrome. There were a few plants in the corner of the room, and a smaller one of a large desk, but the natural greenery looked... out of place...

Everything else about the room was synthetic.

Even...

Even me.

The white walls were decorated with paintings, photographs- all of the same girl. She was beautiful, with turquoise hair pulled back into two long pigtails- and she looked so bright, so happy, and so completely aware of her place in the world, that she made me feel inadequate. In one photograph she wore a pink skirt and flowery hair slides, standing under an umbrella. In another she was wearing an ornate white dress, more flowers in her hair- black and red this time- and a haughty expression was on her pretty face. In another, she was attired in black and turquoise, screaming into a similarly colored megaphone in her tight, white-knuckled grip.

That girl made me feel even smaller than I already was...

That girl looked so confident.

B-but I felt so lost and small- like a fish caught in a net.

I-it was then that I turned- tearing my eyes from the beautiful pictures- and I saw him.

The man who greeted me wore a warm smile, infused with kindness; real kindness. He told me to take a seat- and I couldn't. I felt so overwhelmed by how beautiful his office was I could only stand there, feeling more and more inadequate by the second- but he only laughed. He told me I shouldn't be scared- I shouldn't be alarmed. He wasn't going to bite me... A-and then he laughed again, as though he'd made a hilarious joke- but I couldn't smile. It felt like my lips had frozen in place.

He told me everything.

He told me who he was.

Who the pretty girl with turquoise hair was.

And then he told me who he expected me to be.

Sakine Meiko.

Crypton's new idol.

Sakine Meiko.

T-that's something to cling on to, right?

The name doesn't sound foreign on my lips. It suits me.

It's me.

At least...

I-I think it is.

Is it…?

I...

I don't know...

I-it's who Master wants me to be- and I owe Master so much. H-how could I disobey him?

B-but...

Is that who everybody else wants me to be, too?

W-who is 'everybody', anyway?

...

M-my family.

Right?

What do they want?

...What do I want?

I-I don't know...

M-maybe they'd be happy if I didn't exist at all.

Maybe I'd be happy if I didn't exist at all. I felt out of place in Master's office. The turquoise eyes of that beautiful girl were on me the whole time- and I couldn't concentrate. I knew Master wanted me to be like her- be like Miku- but… That was a little like telling a small, lonely rock drifting in space it had to become a planet just like Jupiter.

The goal- becoming a 'famous diva' like Miku- was much too lofty for me.

I-I felt out of place there, and I feel out of place now...

I-is there a 'place' for me at all?

W-what does Master want?

What do my family want?

And...

What do I want?

It's so dark and lonely here.

I'm...

I'm scared...

I-I...

I...

...H-huh?

I-it...

Something cold- n-no, something freezing- just brushed my cheek. L-like a pin pricking flesh, something's digging through my skin- sliding through the sensitive wires...

T-tears?

...No.

Tears aren't cold. They're warm.

H-he taught me that.

He taught me that when he made me cry.

H-he doesn't want me...

None of them want me.

But even so...

I-I can't stop thinking. I can't stop feeling. My existence is making them miserable- b-but I can't stop now...

T-they're not tears.

I'll look up...

I'll open my eyes-

A-and...

All the darkness will disappear.

Snow.

It's snowing…?

The snow spirals through the air- and it looks so pretty at first it takes my breath away. But its beauty doesn't last for long. It's weak- it can't support itself- and it melts away when it lands the ground. Snowflakes are born so frail, so fragile- and when those dainty snowflakes touch the earth (or touch human fingertips; melt in my hair; gather on my nose, cheeks, even eyelashes), it disappears.

Gone forever.

Washing away... into oblivion...

B-but I'm not like the snow.

I won't disappear.

N-not so easily.

She wouldn't disappear.

Because she was selfish.

Horribly selfish.

And she was scared.

She didn't want to die.

A horrible, sharp pain exploded in Meiko's head; blooming like a flower, opening its petals and revealing something blood red.

Agonizing.

Fear and confusion and grief and guilt- a plethora of emotions that belonged to another girl- drove themselves through Meiko's skull like lethal shards of glass. There were no kind emotions in there; no warmth or happiness. These feelings were all jagged edges and barbed wire; a desperate plea for help from a dying girl.

A girl trying to cling onto her futile existence with the very tips of her fingers.

And everything else around her was washing away.

Sakine Meiko had been pushed aside, broken-hearted, driven to tears and crushed under the weight of her own miserable existence like a bug. She'd begun to doubt herself- doubt everything- and that doubt very nearly killed her.

And yet...

It hadn't.

Sakine Meiko had curled up on herself; both physically, in the grimy alleyway, and mentally, inside her own head. But she hadn't died.

After all, you couldn't die from a broken heart.

With a gasp of pain- pain that didn't belong to her, but somebody else- Meiko felt her knees collapse from underneath her. She fell gracelessly; her body falling, feeling strangely heavy, as though it were made from granite. Meiko's knees hit the floor awkwardly, a jarring pain shooting through her body as skin was bitten into by broken glass and dirt seeped into the open wounds. Blood splattered the floor; small, sticky, crimson droplets as though they'd been left by a pipette in a science laboratory.

But the pain in Meiko's knees paled in comparison to the crushing headache that split apart her skull.

T-two people couldn't fit into one brain-

"N-no! I don't want to die!"

-not like that;

"I-it's so cold and dark!"

never like that.

"... ...I-I'm scared... I... I..."

Sobbing.

It took Meiko a few seconds to realize the pained gasps coming from her mouth belonged to her.

But... were they truly hers- or were they the other girl's?

Meiko didn't know.

But they only had one body.

And Meiko supposed maybe... she was crying for both of them.

"Mei-chan! M-mei-chan..."

Meiko blinked up at Kaito in alarm. He was bent over her, eyes swimming with worry, whilst his arms encircled her trembling body; trying to play the role of a prince. Trying to comfort her.

How…

How cute.

It was completely pointless, of course, because Kaito was an inept fool; so clumsy he constantly fell over his own feet- and an elephant on ice skis probably had better coordination than him.

But…

Without those traits (those traits Meiko hated- and yet, at the same time, made her smile when she thought nobody was looking) Kaito simply wouldn't be Kaito anymore.

And Meiko wouldn't like him half as much as she did.

Even though he was an idiot.

Kaito's coat had slipped from Meiko's shoulders, and Meiko hadn't realized- despite the fact her whole body was shuddering- just how cold it was. The snowflakes had looked so beautiful before, but now they seemed almost deadly- pressing icy kisses against Meiko's skin; chilling her to the bone. Meiko didn't want to- she didn't want to seek comfort from that idiot (it would completely ruin her image)- but... she couldn't help herself...

So, saying goodbye to her pride, she allowed herself to lean into Kaito's embrace just a little bit more.

Hugging Kaito didn't change much.

It didn't really change anything.

The awkward embrace wasn't comfortable. Kaito's hair was brushing against the side of Meiko's face, irritating her- and she had half a mind to take a pair of scissors to it (when the last time Kaito had gotten his hair cut…?). His arms were curled round her body just a little too tightly, with a little too much force- and it was beginning to seem likely he'd crush all the bones in her body (wouldn't that be ironic if, in his attempts to 'protect' her, he hurt her even more? Stupid Kaito; he couldn't do anything right). Pain still laced through Meiko's knees; shards of glass and dirt embedded into skin- and Kaito's hug, pressing her close against his chest, didn't offer all that much warmth.

She was... still… freezing...

By this point, Meiko didn't know whether it was her or the other her who was leaning into Kaito's hug so desperately- and when she wrapped her arms round Kaito's waist, she didn't know who was doing it.

Was it her?

Or was it Sakine?

Her head hurt terribly in a haze of pain; a horrible, relentless ache that just wouldn't stop.

It wouldn't shut up.

Kaito was trembling, too (it was hard to tell)- and their pain was linked; so maybe he was shuddering from same intense ripping, tearing, clawing sensation that engulfed Meiko's mind…

C-could Kaito feel it too?

It didn't seem fair that he had to suffer her pain, too.

He was only trying to help.

Even if his presence was fairly ineffectual, he was still trying; Kaito always tried.

The two Vocaloids sat there under the falling snow, pulled together like magnets; and Meiko half wanted to pull away, but she didn't have the energy, and besides, being cared about felt...

Nice.

Comforting.

Even by an idiot like Kaito.

Maybe...

Because it was Kaito.

"Y-you're crushing my ribs, i-idiot."

"S-sorry..."

But, although Kaito's face flushed light pink, he didn't let go. Meiko didn't think he could. Like a withered, dying sapling, tied to a stick for support, Kaito couldn't pull away. But neither could she; and by this point Meiko didn't even know who was supporting who.

Maybe they were both dying saplings leant against each other.

Or maybe it didn't matter.

"K-kaito... D-don't delude yourself," said Meiko, voice soft; softer than usual (she could hardly hear herself above the sobbing and screaming in her own head; I-I don't want to die!). "Y-you're no Prince Charming."

"I know. I'm clumsy and forgetful and not very strong- and you're... You're so much stronger than me..."

"And more intelligent."

"T-that too."

"And prettier."

"Ahaha... Y-you're a lot crueler than me, Mei-chan."

"But of course~"

At this Kaito gave another soft, significantly more broken laugh- and Meiko returned it, even though they were both were shaking like leaves in the wind, snow catching in their hair and the wind tugging at their clothes, and it wasn't all that funny at all- not really.

Meiko and Kaito laughed...

The dying girl in Meiko's brain cried out in fear and pain.

Trapped.

Sakine Meiko was caged inside an alien body that wasn't hers (it should have been, but it wasn't- not anymore); assaulted from all sides by the feelings of another woman who'd been there long before Sakine's personality began to take root.

But most of those roots had been ripped out now- bleeding as they were torn from soil and thrown aside.

Sakine Meiko was slowly dying.

But she was still there.

Still choking, gasping- struggling for breath inside Meiko's head.

Drowning.

It's so dark and cold in here...

C-can anybody hear me?

Anybody... ...?

"You might be better than me at... lots of things, Mei-chan. Most things," said Kaito, his head resting atop of Meiko's. "But... B-but you still need a friend. I-I'll... I'll always be there for you."

"Always, huh...? That's quite a big promise for an irresponsible guy like you."

"I-I don't want to hurt you again..."

"That's very... noble," said Meiko, after a small pause.

Then, Meiko began to move; slowly, as though she were underwater, and her movements were labored. Her breath came out in short gasps- puffs of air dancing through the sky. Without pushing Kaito away from her- without uncoiling herself from his comforting (more comforting than it had any right to be) hug, Meiko's eyes found Kaito's.

Brown on blue.

Anguish and confusion and promises and pain and something else...

Something more.

What could Kaito see when he looked in Meiko's eyes, she wondered.

Did he see only the older Meiko; the Meiko he knew?

Or could he catch a glimpse of Sakine Meiko in there, struggling to escape?

"But..." Meiko continued, voice soft; looking up at Kaito from under her eyelashes. "It was never me that you hurt. It was... the other girl."

"M-mei-chan-"

Meiko smiled gently- and then, with trembling fingers, she prodded Kaito in the cheek. He felt cold to touch; or maybe the cold came from her own fingers, which felt frozen.

"I could never forgive a guy who made a girl cry. And... S-she's... Crying right now..."

"S-she's still there?"

"Yeah... O-or I'm going insane." Meiko gave a small, humorless laugh- though it wasn't really that funny. "Crypton did a pretty good job 'upgrading' me, right? They don't let their creations die off so easily- even if they want to self-terminate themselves. She… she sounds… really miserable. I-it's depressing. I've always hated sappy TV dramas- but this is a drama I can't shut up or shut off."

"But you're still here." Kaito's eyes flicked over Meiko's body. She was trembling in his arms like a baby bird. Kaito hoped he could comfort her- hoped he could still be some 'prince' figure- but he knew he was shaking just as much as she was.

He wasn't 'strong'.

He wasn't 'brave'.

But, at that moment- they could both be scared together.

They could be lost and frightened, like young children, and...

And that was okay, too.

Because at least they had each other.

They could share each other's pain and fear and confusion- and, when it all came down to it, they could share their friendship, too.

They weren't alone.

"You're still here," Kaito said again- voice desperate. "You're here, right, Mei-chan? The real... you?"

Meiko nodded. "I'm here... L-like I said, Crypton don't let their creations die off so easily. But the other one... She's in a lot of pain."

"M-my fault?"

"I guess so- but that's not it. Geez, Bakaito~" Meiko smiled again- prodding Kaito in the cheek with a little more force this time. "Don't be so arrogant. Like you could ever make somebody feel so upset. People don't get so upset over one thing- and one thing is certainly never just you. There are lots of factors all combined together."

Kaito's eyes were downcast. "But I still contributed to it... I… I was so… stupid…"

"You were."

Kaito flinched as though he'd been hit- his whole body shuddering.

Meiko sighed. He really was an idiot. Why did Kaito try to take the blame for everything? Wasn't it enough that he was sorry? Why did he have to torture himself?

"But it's okay," said Meiko, voice determined. "You're trying to redeem yourself."

"I-I... I..." Kaito's face flushed. He looked down at the floor- suddenly embarrassed. Overwhelming guilty. But... He soon felt fingertips underneath his chin; and his gaze was guided, not by his own will, but by Meiko's icy fingers, as she tilted his head.

Their eyes met again.

Meiko was grinning.

"If I was feeling any better I'd kick your ass, just so you could feel a little less guilty about hurting me. Or… some strange variant of 'me', anyway. But I'm not in the mood. You can try and redeem yourself in another way. I'll give you another chance."

Kaito blinked. His breath caught in his chest.

They were... so close...

Noses almost bumping.

Their cheeks flushed.

And then-

Meiko pulled away.

Got to her feet.

And then Meiko pointed a finger in Kaito's direction- whilst Kaito nearly fell forwards on his face; flushing, and trying to calm his erratic heartbeat.

Trying to hide his disappointment.

"Call Crypton for me," said Meiko. "I didn't bring a cell phone; but I have something I want to discuss with my 'darling' Master very much."

Kaito could only blink up at her in confusion- his fingers slowly (ever so slowly) pressing against his lips; reveling in the half-formed dream of a kiss which had never actually happened.

Pathetic...

He was so pathetic.

"And call a cab while you're at it," said Meiko, folding her arms, tapping her foot on the ground. "I don't wanna walk allll the way over to the Crypton building in the snow and ruin my hair even more. No, hmn... Actually."

Meiko smiled.

"Make that two cabs. I think we've got some unwanted family members spying on us- and I'm sure they'll be very interested to hear what I have to say to Master, too."

"E-eep!" said Miku, sticking her head round the corner of the wall with a guilty look on her face. One of her twin tails trailed on the floor, gathering dirt- but she seemed not to notice. "H-how did you know...?"

Meiko sighed.

"Let's just say you're not as 'subtle' with your eavesdropping as you might think."

Miku turned to glare sourly at Rin.

"Maybe, if you could stop insulting Len for five seconds, Mei-chan wouldn't have known."

"So it's some terrible sin if I insult poor, precious Len-Len, but it's A-OK if the great Hatsune Miku resorts to stalking? That's nice to know~"

"I-I wasn't stalking anybody! I was stood in the same place!" said Miku, cheeks flushing. It rare to see her get so frustrated; and Meiko suspected guilt played a large factor in her red face.

"Okay. You weren't 'stalking', but you were still spying~" said Rin, grinning. Rin didn't just press people's buttons; oh no. She slammed her fists against the control board until half the buttons broke off. "You're the worst kind of person, Miku-nee-chan!"

"S-shut up!"

Miku's face was bright red.

a/n: Yay happy desu stuff :D
It takes ~sooo~ long for anything to happen in my fics I don't even. Which is prolly why this fic will be a ~teeensy~ bit longer than I planned, eheh XD It's nearly over but there's so much ~stuff~ left to do! :

This fic is to similar to sugar coated accident. This is disappointing XDD;;

~renahhchen xoxo