Forever End
Chapter Fourteen
My dolly's got the flue Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo
"Do you think Carson will be mad?" Rodney asked for the umpteenth time, his high pitched voice making Sheppard smile.
"No," He replied calmly, "I already talked to him."
"A-a-and?"
"He was fine with it, he said to be careful and don't press any buttons."
"But-"
"Seriously, Rodney! It's all fine!" Sheppard chuckled in exasperation.
They entered the Jumper bay to find Lorne and Zelenka with their men, all piling into the closest Puddle Jumper. For a moment Rodney shrank back from the dozen or so people crowding before him, but then Ronon strode passed him, taking his seat beside the pilot's chair and he knew it would be okay. Ronon was safe, he wouldn't let anything happen to him.
"You okay?" He looked up at Sheppard and nodded faintly, allowing the tall man to lead him into the Jumper and lift him into the seat behind Ronon.
From his vantage point he could swivel around and peer behind him as the Jumper hatch was closed and everyone took their seats. Lorne sat in the chair beside him, giving him a grin.
"Watcha got there, Rodney?"
Rodney fiddled with the strap of his bag, it was heavy, but only because it was filled with food. Carson had packed it for him, and said not to peek, so Rodney could only guess what the kindly doctor had packed for him.
Rodney shrugged, fighting an unnatural bout of shyness to look up at the man dressed in his TAC vest with his P-90 resting easily in his hands. The gun made something cold slide into the pit of his stomach, a memory fought to surface in his mind, but then it was washed away and Rodney was once again excited to be going off-world.
He bounced in his seat a little, letting out a breezy laugh when the chair swiveled again and watched Sheppard fiddle with the Jumper controls. Ronon already looked bored, he was slouched in his seat with his eyes barely open.
"Aren't you excited? We've going out! We're going out!" He wriggled in his seat and began kicking the back of Ronon's chair the tips of his booted feet. "We can run! And we can see stuff!" He was finding it hard to put his excitement into words, so he kept on repeating the same things over and over until everyone in the Jumper was watching him.
After about five minutes he froze, a small frown appearing on his suddenly pouting face.
"Rodney?"
The boy looked at him.
"I need to pee." He exclaimed faintly and a collective groan rose from the occupants of the Jumper.
Sheppard dropped his head, shook it, and then pinned Rodney with a hard stare.
"You just went."
"I need to go."
"Can you wait?"
"Nup."
"You mean 'yes'?"
"Nup."
"He means 'yes'." Sheppard muttered to Ronon and started the Jumper up.
"But Jo-ohn." Rodney moaned, kicking the back of Ronon's chair again. He swiveled around to look at Lorne, who was talking quietly with one of his mean leaning into the cockpit. They reminded him of large, black watchdogs. They had a ferocity about that, like they could do anything, could kill anything without blinking.
He turned back to Sheppard and watched the Jumper Bay sliding upward and then the Gate room sliding downward. He stared at the inactive Gate and something niggled at the back of his mind. But it was not coherent, and it must not have been important, so Rodney shrugged it off and kicked his legs through the air.
"Can I go now?" He called, liking the annoyed little twitch it caused to appear at Sheppard's eye. He giggled.
"No."
"Do you mean 'yes'?"
"No."
"He means 'yes'." Rodney muttered to Lorne with glee and watched the dark haired man grin in return.
He liked Lorne. He didn't tell him off or keep him from having fun, but he also seemed hesitant, like he wasn't sure what to say or do. And sometimes it made Rodney uncomfortable.
Sheppard was talking to Weir, Rodney could hear her voice but could not see her. He watched the Stargate suddenly whoosh to life in its splash of blue.
Memories clawed at his mind. Sharp and furious, burnt images sizzled and voices screamed. Rodney saw a figure in the snow, bloodied hand reaching out, trying to stop him. He felt fear, terror. He ran and ran and ran and his body was hurting and something deep inside of him thought he was already dead.
"Rodney?"
Lorne's face was looming over him, tearing through the memories and into reality.
Rodney shrank back for a moment, unsure.
"You alright, mate?"
Rodney sucked in a shaky breath and forced a small smile onto his face. He desperately wanted to go off-world, and letting everyone know that he was have day-mares would not allow him to do that.
"Fine. Er, fine, just excited." He chirped, trying to sound as exuberant as he had several moments ago. "Are we going yet?"
Lorne seemed to buy it; he grinned and nodded, saying they would be leaving in just a moment.
"Rodney? Lad, how are ye feeling?" Hearing Carson's disjointed voice coming over the speaking made Rodney jump, he looked around the Jumper as if expecting the doctor to be standing right beside him.
"Carson? Why aren't you coming with us?" Rodney called loudly, and he heard Carson's chuckle.
"Ye don't have to shout, lad. And I'm not coming with ye because I'm a little busy, but I'll be joining ye there tomorrow, okay? Now, how are ye feeling?"
"Fine, I guess."
"Ye guess?"
"He's fine, Beckett." Sheppard said and swung around to give Rodney a look. "Are we cleared to go?"
"Yes, Colonel, and good luck." Weir replied, and they could all hear the amusement in her voice.
~OO~
Rodney was sitting in his lab, well, Zelenka's lab, doodling on a scrap of paper the scientist had tossed to him a few minutes earlier. He felt so simple, so easy, like nothing in the world mattered.
Zelenka said something in Czech but Rodney ignored him, humming to himself as he added another cloud to the white sky in his drawing.
Footsteps. Sheppard wandered into the lab, a lazy gait and his hands stuffed into his pockets. Rodney glanced up at him and returned the small smile, he felt tired, but he didn't want to sleep.
"You ready, buddy?"
"Hunh?"
Sheppard helped Rodney down from his chair, even as the boy objected. He began leading him out of the room, calling over his shoulder, "You coming, Radek?"
"Yes, yes." Zelenka muttered, quickly packing up his work and hurrying after them.
Rodney remembered that there was supposed to be a meeting, a debriefing. But he didn't want to go, he didn't want to talk about what had happened to anyone. Not even Carson.
But he trudged along beside Sheppard without complaint, dreading more and more what each step was leading him to. And then he was sitting in a cushy chair at the table, and there was Weir and Teyla, Lorne and Zelenka, Ronon and Sheppard. Rodney sat by himself, an empty seat beside him that he'd quickly reserved for Carson before anyone could fill it.
Everyone was chatting. Redundant, mundane things that Rodney could care less about. He wished they would quiet down a little, it was making his head ache. He didn't want to do this.
And then his Carson was blowing into the room, looking frazzled and tired, as he always did these days. Rodney struggled to pull his chair closer, seeking that familiarity and warmth the doctor always emanated.
"Alright," Weir smiled warmly. "I think we all know why we're here, so how about we start."
She said no more, but slowly, as if they were each reading from a script, the others began telling what they'd been doing, what they'd seen and how they'd come to see it, during Rodney's kidnapping.
Ronon had just finished his short, clipped tale. All eyes turned to Rodney.
There was no missing the eagerness in their eyes, they tried to hide it behind sympathetic looks and friendly smiles, but they wanted to hear, they wanted to know.
Rodney looked up at Carson, the only person in the room who did not seem overly keen to hear what he already knew.
"I don't want to do this." He begged quietly, so that only Carson could hear. "Please, Carson, I don't want to do this."
Drawing in a deep breath, it seemed to take Carson a great effort not to say 'enough' and let his boy walk out of the room. He pulled Rodney into his lap and told him it was okay, no one was going to hurt him.
"Please, Rodney, it would help us all if you told us what happened." That was Weir. Rodney stared at her with large eyes. He couldn't understand how it would help. Reliving that pain and those memories would not save them from the wraith or the replicators. It wouldn't change the world.
And it would hurt.
~OO~
The PuddleJ umper shot through the watery blue of the Stargate and they were gone. It seemed like they appeared immediately out the other side, shooting into the air like a bird through the cloud. Rodney yipped excitedly and bounded off his seat, leaning over the control area and Sheppard's arm to stare out at the somehow familiar scenes before him. He had the strangest sensation that he had been here before, but could not quiet place it.
He pushed the thought from his mind and focused on the excitement of finally being allowed to go off-world after a whole month of being trapped in the infirmary. Carson had been reluctant, saying his body needed a little more time to recover, but the boys endless source of energy and enthusiasm seemed to be getting in the way, he hated sitting and waiting, found himself traipsing through uninhabited areas of Atlantis until Sheppard had bodily carried him back to a rather irate and stricken doctor.
He wished Carson had come with them.
"Go and sit back down, Rodney." Sheppard said and he complied, albeit reluctantly. His chest gave a painful tug as he crawled back into the seat, but he made no complaint. He knew that if he did, Sheppard would drag him right back to the infirmary and he'd never see the light of day again. Pfft! Unfair! He wanted to play!
The Jumper flew over a forest of tall, brilliantly green trees that arced toward the sky like hungry creatures seeking the warmth and air. And then a clearing came into view, edged by those trees and a large rock formation. They touched down there, with a shudder and a sigh of relief.
At first no one moved, even Rodney could feel the sudden hair raising tension that filled the air. He peered at those in the rear compartment, wondering why they weren't hurrying to escape the confines of the overcrowded Jumper.
Rodney shrugged, finding no obvious conclusion, so he once more hopped from his seat and darted to the rear of the Jumper, waiting expectantly for someone to open up the hatch for him.
"Sheppard!" He screeched, eliciting a series of giggles from several of the scientists around him. "Are you going to open the door or what?"
"Hold your horses, McK-Rodney." Sheppard stumbled over his choice of words, having momentarily fallen into the old banter routine, it squashed the lightness of the trip and he was forced to remember the real reason they were here.
"Remember, guys, we don't want to spend the rest of our lives here. Zelenka, you and you're team will go straight to the lab while Lorne you'll go scout the area, we don't want any...unexpected surprises."
"Sheppard!" Rodney shrieked even more loudly, and Sheppard finally complied with a gusty sigh.
The hatch opened and Sheppard realized too late that he'd just let a child run out into unknown territory. A child who's curiosity and sense of adventure seemed to take him beyond any reasonable distance without hesitation.
"Wait! Rodney!" He called as he hurried after the small figure already halfway toward the tree line.
He vaguely heard Lorne giving some orders and the muffled, answering grunt as Ronon no doubt made his way out into the sun. Sheppard knew he wouldn't have to worry about them, he'd specifically asked for both Zelenka and Lorne's team because he knew they would both look out for themselves, and everyone else, as well as getting down to work.
Rodney disappeared into the thick line of trees.
~OO~
"...He said he wanted a weapon that could not only get them into Atlantis, but make all of the technology go on the fritz until they could take down all the soldiers." Rodney said.
The others had leaned over the edges of the table, intent on what Rodney was saying. They all looked grim at the possibility that if Kolya had succeeded, they probably wouldn't be sitting there right now.
"And then what happened?"
Rodney fidgeted.
"And then...and then Ladon and me put a...a bomb in the machine, and when Kolya turned it on..." Rodney fell silent.
Both Sheppard and Zelenka look horrified, and it made Rodney feel worse. He turned and buried his face in Carson's chest, smelling the chemicals and mint that always seemed to follow him around.
He could see it. The blood. The panic on Kolya's soldier's faces as one of their own exploded in a shower of gore. Tears blurred Rodney's eyes and he fought the urge to wail as the emotions he had felt then, burst to life now.
"Then me and Ladon ran. And we had to climb up the really long ladder and it was really cold and snowing. We had to split up and Ladon distracted the guards so I could send you guys a message and we did it twice but the second time they were there and they were chasing me and then there was this...this...this big monster and he was chasing me too!"
He dissolved into sobs, trying to fight the memories running a steady stream through his mind. Faster and faster. Gun. Blood. Fear. Pain. Cold. Running.
~OO~
Sheppard swore loudly, he hadn't realized Rodney was quiet so fast. He never had been as an adult and he'd only assumed that he would be in the same shape as a child. Silly, really.
He came to a slow halt at the edge of the clearing where he'd seen Rodney vanish from sight. He wasn't breathing that hard, but his heart was thudding against his chest with worry. Carson would have his guts for garters if he found out Sheppard had lost his boy in less than five minutes.
And then a little giggle sounded somewhere in front of him and Sheppard couldn't help but smile.
"Rodney? Come on, buddy, we're not going to play just yet."
A small 'awww' and then the snapping of twigs and the crunch of leaves to his right.
"Rodney?"
A muffled 'hoot' and a chuckle.
"Rodney." Sheppard put on his best, most commanding tone, hoping to lure the young boy out. But Rodney as a child seemed strangely immune to his orders. He supposed real-sized McKay had been too, come to think about it.
The next giggle sounded closer and Sheppard took a hasty step into the forest and snagged a hold of the small, wriggling boy as he attempted to dart away.
"You. Need. To. Listen. Rodney." Sheppard huffed breathlessly as he endeavored to keep a hold of the squirming, laughing mass that was Rodney. He carried him back across the clearing to where Ronon was helping to carry some of the science equipment into the large alcove that housed the lab.
Sheppard could hear him muttering something about 'useless, weak people' as he passed and chuckled. He then dumped Rodney to the ground, latching onto the back of his shirt to keep him from running off again.
He turned to Zelenka.
"You set up yet?" he asked, the scientist gave a shrug, watching Rodney wriggle around between them, trying to shuck out of his shirt to get free.
Sheppard followed his gaze. He sighed.
"I think he's drunk on fresh air." He commented dryly.
Zelenka huffed a small laugh before leading them into the lab beneath the rocks. Sheppard could not help the small shudder that raced though him any more than the guilt that seemed to be eating him alive. He peered around the lab, realizing only then that he'd forgotten nothing about it, every detail was stark and familiar, everything was a painful reminder that it had been his fault Rodney was like he was.
The boy in question had quieted down considerably upon entering the lab, his large blue eyes peered around him with a mixture of fear and confusion. Unnamable fear and unanswerable confusion.
Vague memories of anger and resentment.
Zelenka was at the base console, looking over everything through his wire rimmed glasses with an air of unease. Perhaps he feared what had been done to Rodney would be done to him also.
A part of Sheppard whispered, 'Zelenka wouldn't be that stupid.'
He recoiled. His hand let go of Rodney's shirt and he stepped back, as if to rid himself of both the boy and the thought.
~OO~
In the end it was Carson who told Rodney about Ladon.
Half asleep on one of the swivel chairs in Carson's office, Rodney blinked at the face suddenly looming above him. For a moment he thought it was Kolya, and that he was back in the snow with his chest aching from the cold and fear spiking his heart. But then he blinked, and it was Carson's face, sympathetic and calming.
"Rodney," The doctor said. "I need to tell you something."
~OO~
Rodney stared around the lab, the pit of his stomach filled with writhing snakes and his eyes wide. He recognized this place, or at least, he thought he did. It could just as easily have been from a dream, but he suspected not.
And then his mind slid, slightly, and he grew bored. Noticing that Sheppard was no longer holding him in place, Rodney made a dash for the door. This time, no one stopped him.
As soon as the sun hit his face again, Rodney felt alive.
The fresh air and the smell of the trees around him washed away the doubts and fears and left him feeling free and happy. He hurried toward the center of the clearing, where the grass was thickest and green. He could have been the only boy on the earth, for all he cared. Except, then he would be lonely. And Carson was his best friend.
Rodney giggled as he threw himself to the grass, loving the feel of the cool strands hitting his face and hands. He rolled there for a few minutes, and then lay on his back, breathless, and gazed at the sky.
Blue.
Endless blue with a pale white sun and two shadowy moons. Cool.
Rodney stayed there for a long time. So long that he felt himself drifting off, eyes sliding shut as he dozed. Warm, comfy and so unbelievably peaceful.
He remembered things, little flickers of things that were hard to place and even harder to comprehend. They scared him a little, those faces that were angry. The smells that were coppery, and both sweet and sickening at the same time. Those were the things that stayed in his mind like a sickness or a disease. Eating away at his already fragile sanity.
~OO~
"Why did he have to die?"
Carson looked miserable, but then, Rodney could barely see him through the tears blurring his eyes and burning at the back of his throat. He choked on a sob, wanting nothing more than to sink into the ground until he could feel nothing but the press of cold earth and not the crippling grief.
Ladon had saved his life, had been the only thing keeping Rodney alive in that hell that was Kolya's underground bunker.
"It was an accident." Carson murmured, gathering the boy up into his arms and stroking his hair. "Just an accident."
"But it's not fair!"
"I know, lad, I know."
"He saved my life. He isn't allowed to be dead." Rodney cried weakly, feeling his limbs go heavy and his head sink into Carson's chest. "I thought you said everything would be alright."
~OO~
Rodney opened his eyes and stared in vague surprise at the now dark sky above. The moons and the sun had reversed, one distant and the other two shinning down a pale glow that touched everything with a gentle caress.
Rodney turned at the small sound at his side.
Sheppard was sitting beside him, knees bent and chin resting on his crossed arms. A seemingly casual pose, there was a hidden kind of tension in it, as if he were unsure. Rodney was unused to seeing Sheppard unsure.
"Sheppard?"
The man looked down at him, face shadowed by night.
"Why are we here?"
"To put you back to the way you were."
"How was I before?" Rodney asked slowly, trying to remember.
Sheppard sighed and fiddled with the black band on his wrist.
"The old Rodney and I were best friends, although I'm sure he wouldn't have admitted it. He was smart, smarter than anyone on Atlantis and perhaps earth. Abrasive and sometimes condescending, in the end he was always right. Well, most of the time anyway."
Rodney was silent as Sheppard spoke. He did not like that Sheppard referred to the old him as a separate person. As if Dr McKay was dead, and Rodney was trying to fill his place but wasn't quiet managing it.
It made him sad.
"How come I'm like this now?" He asked quietly
"You made a mistake." Sheppard whispered, finally looking at him.
It was Rodney who looked away first.
A mistake. He made a mistake.
~OO~
The next morning, everyone was up early. Zelenka and his crew were already working in the lab, pulling up immense amounts of data and information as Rodney entered. He watched them work curiously, noting the strange look on everyone's faces.
"What's wrong?" Rodney asked when he was standing beside Zelenka.
The short man looked down at him, opening and closing his mouth as if trying to decide whether he should tell Rodney what was actually on his mind or make something up. Rodney frowned up at him.
"Tell me, Radek, I'm not stupid." Although, once the words left his mouth, he had his doubts.
The Czech sighed, rubbing his eyes behind his glasses.
"We are having trouble deciphering some of the text. It is in code, but not like the code we have seen back on Atlantis. I have been trying all morning to fit a password into the program. But as of yet, I am having no luck."
Rodney pondered this, and pulled himself up to the console Zelenka was working at. Everything looked familiar, but not enough that he could understand all of it. There was, however, one paragraph that struck him right in the face.
He reached out and pointed to it.
"What's this?"
Zelenka squinted, leaning forward and pressing several panels until the paragraph took up the whole screen. Several of the other scientists who had been working around them looked up.
"I do not know, it is...I do not know."
Rodney ignored him and strode around the console and to the screen. He stared at it for a moment, and then tapped the screen absently.
"I recognize these symbols." He said slowly, tasting the words on his tongue to see if they were right. "I think...I think I knew what they meant before. Like they were important."
"Do you think so, perhaps...perhaps..." But Zelenka didn't sound sure, he tapped several panels but only a dull 'doop' sounded, signaling they were pressing the wrong sequences. Zelenka kept that up for almost half an hour, Rodney quickly lost interest and decided to check up on what some of the other scientists were doing.
A young woman, whose name eluded Rodney even then, was pulling apart a strange, useless looking device. Beside her sat a pile of blackened control crystals and blue wiring. Rodney stooped to scoop some of it up, intrigued by the clear crystal with the cool designs on it.
Sheppard found them around lunchtime, and ordered everyone to take a break. Rodney ignored him, his stomach had been swirling unpleasantly all day and the thought of food was not a nice one.
He liked playing with this crystals, they reminded him of something. Although he couldn't remember what...
Seeing something that caught his eye, Rodney pulled out an oval crystals. It was red, and small, fitting neatly in the centre of his palm. He thought he'd seen it somewhere before. One impulse, Rodney stood and went back over to the main control console. He looked it over, trying to see if the crystal fit anyway.
It did.
The alarm started up as soon as he slotted the crystal into place.
"Rodney!" He turned in fright to find Sheppard in the doorway, Ronon glaring over his shoulder at the deep red lights and the alarm. "What did you do?"
"I don't...I don' know!" he cried back, and tried to step away from the console and over to Sheppard. His foot hit the ground and everything back to shake.
"Sheppard?"
"Just stay where you are, Rodney! We'll come over to you!" Sheppard motioned for Ronon and they both began to hurry over.
The rock ceiling was shuddering.
"What's happening?" Rodney called out again, scared, he was frozen to the spot as he stared around him. The world was going to break!
And then there was the ear-splitting sound of rock cracking. Dust sifted down, followed by larger chunks and then heavier, painful rocks.
The cave collapsed on them in less than a minute, burying them in both debris and dirt. Rodney blinked once, feeling something tickle the side of his face. He choked on the too thick air as it filled his lungs and scratched his throat.
Darkness.
Intense black penetrated only by the echo of pain as he passed out.