Shattered

"Castiel," he spoke sadly.

I continued to stare at him. Was he really here or was this some kind of dream? Or maybe it was another side effect from the chloroform.

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly willing this screwed up illusion to go away. "You're not real."

"Yes I am, Castiel. Snap out of it!," he shouted.

I opened my eyes slowly and looked over his serious face. Okay. So, maybe this was real.

"You can't be here. You're in Illinois. I'm just crazy and finally having my psychotic break," I reasoned out loud.

"Cut the shit. This is real. I'd say you're way past the breaking point. Maybe that's why you killed that homeless man." He placed his hand up to his mouth and coughed loudly.

"Why are you here, Gabriel?," I asked while my chest heaved up and down dramatically.

"You're killing people, Cas," he said sadly.

His face reminded me of Deans betrayed look. Its only been twenty four hours and I've already let down the two people that I love most in the world. Damn.

"I know," I replied bleakly. "Don't make me talk about it."

"Oh, we're fucking talking about it," he snapped at me.

The door opened as Dean poked his head in. Gabe nodded at him slightly before he stepped all the way in and brought in a small chair. He dropped it behind Gabe and walked to the corner of the room where he leaned against the wall with his arms crossed.

I willed myself to ignore him. Gabe looked pale as he slumped over onto the chair. I raised a curious eyebrow.

"Are you okay?," I asked.

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"This isn't about me. It's about you. Why are you doing this?," he asked while running a hand through his shoulder length hair.

"I don't know," I answered honestly.

"Sure you do."

"Why are you bugging me? Why isn't Dean the one in my position? He's the one that made me like this," I spit angrily even though I knew it wasn't true.

"Just stop. Deans told me everything. I don't fucking care about all that, Cas! All I care about is you getting better. So, please just talk to me."

"Why should I? I haven't seen you in years let alone talked to you. Why do you think you can walk in here and tell me what to do?"

Gabe looked over his shoulder and exchanged a look with Dean who looked troubled before nodding sadly. Gabe turned back to face me and pursed his lips like he wanted to say something but wasn't sure.

"What is it, Gabe?," I asked distressed.

Gabe sighed before looking into my eyes with his honey golden ones. The ones that used to bring me so much comfort when all we had was each other.

"I was diagnosed with cancer two years ago," he stated before tearing his eyes away from mine.

If I wasn't currently being held up by chains and a stool, I was one hundred percent that I would've collapsed. It felt like my whole world had stopped spinning and nothing could be worse than what I was feeling.

"Cassie?," Gabe asked in a small voice.

I realized that I had been staring at the wall behind Gabe. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I knew I could never look at him the same way ever again.

"Gabe," I spoke quietly. If the room wasn't so quiet you could hear a pin drop, my words could've been easily missed.

"Talk to me," he begged weakly.

"Why?," I asked in the same quiet voice.

"Why what?," he asked confused.

I squeezed my eyes shut and let a tear fall. Something I hadn't been able to do in months was cry. I would never allow myself to feel so many emotions.

I opened my eyes back up and looked into his pale face. I felt like I had been ripped from the fantasy I had been living in and dropped harshly into reality.

"Why didn't you tell me? I'm your brother."

Gabe bit his lip. "You wouldn't understand."

"You know you can tell me anything," I reassured him. "How serious is it?"

"It's stage one lung cancer. I'm still going through treatments," he answered honestly.

"Gabe," I said with hurt. All the emotions I had been holding back for the past two months started to break free like a dam. It hurt.

"Cas. Don't. I'll be okay. I'm a fucking Novak," he said half joking. "Just let it all out, brother. I'm here for you." He looked at Dean then back to me with a small smile on his face. "We're here for you."

His words broke me. I began to cry. But not a lighthearted 'I'm sad' cry, more like a 'I feel like I'm fucking dying please make it stop' cry. My chest heaved up and down dramatically as I gasped for air in between my fits.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry," I repeated over and over while the salty liquid dripped into my mouth but I didn't care.

I closed my eyes feeling like a knife had just shot through my heart. I could feel someone touching my wrists where the chains held me and then onto my legs where the chain was wrapped tightly.

I could faintly hear the sound of someone saying my name over and over but the ringing in my ears overtook them. I subconsciously moved my hand to wipe my face and was caught off guard when I found out that I actually could.

I sniffled and opened my eyes slowly. My vision was still a little blurry from my breakdown. I rubbed my wrists and got down off the stool. My legs felt weak but I still didn't care.

I threw my arms around Gabe who was still sitting in the chair. The familiar smell of cotton candy and coconut filled my senses making me want to cry even more.

He rubbed his hand up and down my back while whispering to me comforts of how it was going to be okay. And I believed him.

After all my tears dried up and I couldn't feel my face anymore, I turned to Dean whose face was unreadable. He looked how he did when we first officially met. Back when I didn't know his intentions.

"Dean," I breathed out. It felt like I hadn't truly seen him in two months. Like I had been drifting through these dangerous months with a stranger. But maybe I was the stranger all along.

"Cas," he spoke quietly as his voice broke and his eyes filled with water. It was pure, raw emotions that ran through his face at that moment. Emotions that were between a mix of love, sympathy, pain and desperation.

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and nuzzled my face in his neck. "I'm so sorry, Dean. Please forgive me. Please," I begged quietly.

Dean ran his hand down my back and stopped at the small of it while his other hand found its way to the back of my neck. He let out a loud choked sob that sounded like he had been holding it in for a while.

"It's okay, Cas. I forgive you. I'll always forgive you. I promise I'm going to get you help," he whispered into my ear.

I nodded into his neck and felt the comforting warmth of another body wrapping itself around me and Dean. The cotton candy scent. Gabe.

All three of us cried together until we couldn't cry anymore. It felt like we had been in that small room for days but it was more like four hours. I knew we were all going to be just fine.

XXX

Gabe slept in the guest bedroom that night while Dean and I stayed up all night. We sat cross legged across from each other on the bed just simply taking in each others presence before I spoke.

"What's wrong with me?," I asked feeling more and more ashamed of myself by the second.

"I don't know, babe, but I swear to you that I will get you help. You will get better," Dean asked while holding my hand in his and rubbing my knuckles softly.

I nodded as Dean brought my hand gently up to his lips. He placed small, sweet kisses on each bruised knuckle before sniffing sadly. I said nothing and waited until he was ready to talk.

"This is all my fault," he said softly after a few silent minutes.

I shook my head even though I had been accusing him of the same just a few hours ago. "It's not, Dean," I argued.

"Yes. It is. If I hadn't ruined your life and forced you to be with me then you never would have done any of that shit."

"You're right," I agreed. Dean looked at me with his sad puppy dog eyes that could imitate Sam's. "But right now, I would still be rotting in a cell. You didn't make me kill my boss. I did that. On my own."

Dean looked away and down at the sheets we were sitting on. It was my turn to rub his hand and reassure him. "Nothing makes sense without you. Hell, this entire world doesn't make sense but its easier with you by my side," I said honestly. It felt amazing to be completely honest with him and myself.

Dean smiled softly but continued to pick at a piece of stray thread from the sheets. "I'm worried about, Gabe."

Dean pursed his lips and scooted closer to me while wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me into his chest. "He's going to be okay. He's a fucking Novak, remember?"

I chuckled softly and nodded. "Yeah. You're right," I agreed. I didn't want to admit just yet that that statement wasn't enough for me.

Dean kissed the top of my head and took a deep breath. We pulled the covers over ourselves and settled in the bed, his arm never leaving my body and my head never leaving his chest. This was as close to perfect as we could get.

"Is it love when you stole my piece of mind?," Dean asked.

I listened to the way his heart beat sped up when he asked the question. I sighed and ran a hand lightly up his abdomen. "This is a dangerous love, isn't it?," I countered his question.

Dean ran a soft hand through my hair while lightly tugging on the ends. "I love danger," he answered with a hint of amusement.

I smiled and closed my eyes. "As do I."