Disclaimer: Rent was created by Jonathan Larson. Someone else now has the rights to it; I'm not sure who, but not me. I'm only having a bit of fun. Please don't sue me... pretty please?
Roger checked his reflection in the mirror and tried to remember what he had looked like four years ago, and if his mother would recognize him. He had tried to appear as good was possible, as healthy and wholesome as possible. He had even gelled tied his hair back so it didn't look like he was hiding--which he often was. And so, sitting there with ants in his pants, he watched the door for his mother's arrival.
Annie entered the restaurant and scanned the room for her son's face. She was nervous. She hadn't seen her baby boy in such a long time that she was afraid she wouldn't be able to tell who he was. Her eyes went from person to person in the restaurant. Too old... wrong colored hair...there! He was sitting alone, hunched over at a table. He was taller than she remembered, but she realized he must have had a growth spurt. The hair was different, too. And his eyes were completely different. They seemed harder, colder somehow. She waved off the hostess and headed towards her son. Her voice was barely louder than a whisper. "Joshua?"
He looked up. The experience was completely different: she was precisely as he remembered. He stood and put his arms around her. That felt different. He remembered hugging her and being smaller than her. He was taller now, and she felt frail.
"Oh Joshua!" The tears flowed freely as she returned the hug, just eager to hold him in her arms again.
"It's okay," he said. He really wasn't sure that it was, but could think of no other way to ease her pain. He just stood, holding her.
Annie didn't want to let go. Something in her mind told her that if she could hold him forever, Joshua couldn't disappear again. But she realized that people were staring and she didn't want to make her son feel any more uncomfortable than he already must have been feeling. She let go of him and indicated to sit down. "You've gotten so tall," she commented.
He sat. "I grew a little," he admitted, almost apologetic. He couldn't look at her. Everything he had done... why had he not called? He could have just picked up the phone and... "How are things at home?"
She smiled. "Adam's in college and doing well. He really settled into his studies. Sarah's loving high school. She's on the volleyball team and is in the drama club, too. Your father's practice is doing well. He wanted to be here today, but couldn't cancel a meeting with one of his clients. As for Sasha... well, she misses you. A lot."
Roger nodded. "It... it sounds like everyone's doing great." He couldn't help the rising taste of bile in his mouth. Ordinary people living ordinary lives, the kind of life he would have had if he hadn't thrown it away. Roger knew he had made a bad lifechoice and took responsibility. It still hurt like bitch. "I'm sorry Dad couldn't come."
Annie nodded. Jakob had tried to get out of the meeting, but, unfortunately, it was with one of his biggest clients, a man who believed the rest of the world revolved around him. "He tried to make it, honey. He still wants to see you, all of them do."
Roger just nodded, unsure how he could say anything in response. "I'd like to see them too," he murmured. That seemed right, and he did want to see them. Slowly. One at a time. "How have you been?" He had worried most about her, a pediatric psychiatrist treating other people's children and unable to help her own.
"I'm okay," she said quietly. And she was. At first she had been a wreck, desperately trying to find her missing son. Then came the bouts of depression, but she recognized her need to talk to someone and found a good therapist. Between her sessions and the medications she was taking, she was doing okay. She just didn't want to go into detail. "And you? How are you?"
"I'm fine," he told her, which he truly thought he was at this time. He was stable. He could even go outside sometimes. "I've been thinking about correspondence school."
"That's wonderful. You always did very well in school." Absent-mindedly, she played with the menu, not sure of what to say next.
"Yeah." Like that word doesn't surmise everything lost in his life. The waitress came by. When she asked what they want she's so perky Roger experienced an emotion he has suppressed so far he didn't feel it for years: anger. What right of her to be happy?
Annie almost thanked the waitress for relieving the tension. She placed her order for a burger and side salad, then turned to her son. "Joshua, it's my treat today, so order what you want." It was a small thing, but it made her feel like a mother again. She was able to provide food for her child.
Roger ordered a cheeseburger and french fries. "Thanks, Mom." He didn't really have that much money. Mark had allowed him to borrow some, he seemed not to mind, but Roger preferred not to spend it. He didn't know what to say after that. "It's... almost Christmas." Jakob's father wasn't Jewish, so the family celebrated Christmas.
"Yes, it is." She hesitated for a moment, then decided it was worth the risk to ask. "Do you think you can celebrate with us this year? It would mean a lot to everyone."
"Yeah. I... I'd really like to be there. If that's okay." Family Christmases had probably adapted to disclude him, Roger supposed.
"Of course it's okay. You're family Joshua. You've never stopped being a part of the family." Annie blinked back a few tears. After a few minutes of silence, she ventured another question. "Where were you?"
He paused. Could he really tell her...? How, when he didn't even understand himself why he never picked up the phone? "Please don't ask me that."
Annie looked at the pain written across his face and was sorry she asked. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you," she said. "I kept imagining you lying left for dead in a ditch, or locked in a room somewhere all bruised and broken. I just want to put my mind at ease."
"Yeah. You're not too far off." The waitress brought their drinks and Roger realized how dry his throat was. He drank his soda thankfully, because his mind was slowly realizing that he now would tell his mother everything
"What do you mean?" Annie asked before taking a sip of her iced tea. "What happened to you, Joshua?"
"The, uh, bruised and broken thing," he says. "Mark thinks I might have Stockholm Syndrome," he adds, then shrugs. "I dunno. We reported him."
Annie nodded. "Good. I'm glad you reported him." She took another sip of her beverage, suddenly wishing for something a bit stronger. "Was it him... you know that man you were seeing when you disappeared?"
Roger nodded. "Yeah. Him." He kept drinking, not totally unfamiliar with the feeling of needing something a touch stronger.
Annie wished she could go back in time and protect her child, but that was impossible. She had to look forward and do what she could now. An idea popped into her head. "Um, if you wanted someone to talk to, I could set that up for you. I have contacts that work with people who've been...hurt like you have."
Roger shook his head. Until he was eighteen, he couldn't tell anyone he didn't trust absolutely. He knew any psychiatrist would run to his mother at the drop of a hat, especially those who were her friends. "I'm not sure that would work," he murmured. "Thank you anyway."
"The offer's there if you ever need it." The waitress brought their meals and for a few minutes they picked at their food. Annie decided to try another subject. "So what's this Mark like?" she said with a smile. She wasn't too sure about Joshua dating another older man, but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, for now. After all, he did go to temple, so he couldn't be all bad.
It was a much better topic for Roger, and he answered easily. "Mark's great. He's helped me a lot. We go to temple every week." He knew his mother would like that. A Jewish doctor who went to temple, was there any greater conquest?
She was a little surprised to hear this, but then rationalized that he probably wasn't ready to face her or the rest of the family. Even alone with only her, he was awfully on edge. "I'm glad you're going to temple. I always liked the Cohens. He is treating you right, I hope."
Roger nodded. "Yeah, he's really fantastic. He gave me a place to sleep, Mommy. I showed up unannounced in the middle of the night and he took me in. He bought me clothes, feeds me--well. I feed him. He can't really cook," Roger explained, apologetic.
She smiled at that. "Well, we all can't be perfect." She ate a few more bites of her salad. "He's not... taking advantage of you or anything." She couldn't help but be suspicious, especially after his last boyfriend.
"You mean sex? No." He ate French fries as quietly as one can eat french fries--which is not very quietly at all--and said, "I'm not a virgin, Mom."
She blinked at his frankness. "I... guess I already knew that. I just want to protect you. I feel like I failed before."
"You didn't fail me, Mom," Roger said. "You did everything a mother should do for her son. You loved me, you encouraged me to do all the right things. It's not your fault I fucked up."
"You didn't fuck up, Joshua." She kept her voice even and made sure she didn't cry. He needed to hear this. "It wasn't your fault. If anyone's to blame it was that jerk that lured you away. That's why I feel like I failed. I didn't protect you from him."
He shook his head. "What could you've done, Mom? You told me not to see him, I didn't listen. I paid for something I did."
"I don't know... but it's not right that you had to pay so high a price." She wiped a tear away. "Look at me. I should be happy that we're having lunch together, and instead I'm leaking like a faucet."
"Oh, come on, Mom. We both know you'd never let a faucet drip," he teased, trying to lighten the mood a little.
Annie laughed a little. "You're right. I never would." She continued to nibble at her salad. "Um, I don't know if you heard, but Sasha's been having some problems."
"Mrs. Cohen mentioned something about that. She didn't say any details," Roger admitted.
"She wouldn't know all the details." Annie swallowed. She didn't want to go into too unpleasant things, but she thought that Joshua had a right to know.. "After you disappeared, she was in a bad way. She got really depressed for a while. She locked herself in her room, wouldn't speak to anyone. It went on for quite a while. And then, last year, she had to be hospitalized after taking a whole bottle of sleeping pills."
For the first time, he looked straight at her. "Hospitalized where?" he asked. He needed to know if they were talking about a hospital for people's bodies or if they just assumed his sister was crazy.
"Bellevue, in the city." It was hard to talk about it, but again, she thought that Joshua needed to know. "She was there for about six weeks, or so. They let her out after getting her stabilized using medication, and we found her a good therapist. It would do her wonders to see you again."
Roger considered. He didn't want to see her with his mother, because he wanted things to go back to the way they had been at least a little, which meant a lot of obscenity and punching. "She going to Cleveland or Carter?" he asked, naming the two nearest high schools. Carter was closest. There was a private school not too far away but he and Sasha had always been critical of private schools. But people change.
"Carter. She's a senior. The teachers were very considerate and let her take the exams late." She picked some more at her salad, but really wasn't eating it any more. "Will you come see her? I'll pull her from class and we can go to the park or something. You don't have to go into the school."
Roger started to protest, then he nodded. He couldn't do that to her. "Okay. That sounds good."
Annie was about to call for the check but realized she had forgot a family ritual. When the kids were young, they always had sundaes. "Do you want a sundae?" she asked Joshua. She wasn't really hungry but the familiarity of the question calmed her a little. She was really tense.
"I'm not sure I could eat a whole sundae," he said. He hadn't been eating as much lately as he had the last time she saw him.
"Me neither. I just thought I'd ask. I didn't want you to think I'd forgotten or family tradition." She made a motion for the check and got out her credit card once the server brought it to her.
"Of course you haven't, Mom." He slipped his knife off the table. He wasn't going to use it or anything... didn't plan to anyway. Just holding it, feeling it there, that's all, that's all he needed.
Annie caught the motion out of the corner of her eye. She briefly wondered what kind of defenses and coping mechanisms her son had developed, but didn't say anything. As a mother, she wanted to make sure the meeting ran smoothly so she could see Roger more often. It wasn't worth the risk to question him. She was about to tell him more about Sasha when her beeper went off. She fished it out of her purse and checked the number. "Excuse me, Joshua. I need to call the office." She went to the back of the restaurant where she had spotted a pay phone earlier.
Roger put the knife back on the table the moment his mother was out of sight. He just needed to feel metal on his skin sometimes, but the dull thud made his stomach twist. He dunked his napkin into his water glass and put it on his forehead. This was too difficult. He couldn't see Sasha. He wanted to go home. He wanted Mark.
Roger put the wet napkin on the back of his neck and forced himself to take deep breaths.
Annie spoke only briefly with her receptionist but realized she needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible. There was an emergency with one of her patients and she had refused to speak with the psychiatrist on duty. Joshua would have to wait to see Sasha. She quickly returned to the table. "I'm sorry Joshua. That was the office and I'm needed at the hospital. I can't bring you to see Sasha today. We'll have to do it another time."
"All right," Roger agreed all too readily. He dropped his sopping napkin on the table. "I hope everything's okay." He stood and slipped on his jacket. "Can you spare enough time to give me a ride?"
Annie put on her long coat. "Of course I can. Where are you staying?"
"With the Cohens' boy, Mark." Roger assumed his mom knew where that was. She always seemed to know the temple women, although she struck him as less gossipy. She was a therapist, after all.
They headed for the door. "I think I know where he lives. Chestnut Street, right? I'm just not sure which house."
Roger nodded. "7317. I'll point it out..." He searched the lot for her car.
Annie pointed. "We got a new car last year. It's the red Toyota."
"Oh." He headed for it and wondered if he had ever seen her driving around in it and simply not known which car was hers. Shaking his head, he headed to the passenger seat. He was old enough to drive but didn't know how.
Annie started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. She felt she should say something. "It was really good seeing you again, Joshua. I've missed you a lot. We all have."
"I missed you, too, Mommy," he whispered. He leaned his cheek against the window. "I just... it wasn't easy..."
"I know honey. I'm just glad you're back in my life." She made a turn, then another. "You know you're always welcome at home, even if you don't want to stay for long." She made a few more turns and ended up on Chestnut Street.
Roger shook his head. "I don't think I can belong there anymore," he said softly. He wished he could say that without hurting her. "It's just that... I couldn't..."
Annie blinked back a few tears. She understood, but it hurt that Joshua had changed so much. "Could you at least visit sometime?" she asked.
"Of course I will. I just... need a little time," he tried to explain. He shifted awkwardly. Talking to his mother was one thing. His dad was the one who had shown him the door and instructed him not to come home.
"I know." She slowed the car as the house numbers climbed past 7000... 7100... 7200... "What was the house number again, Joshua?"
"7317," Roger replied. "There." He pointed. "Did... did Dad say anything...?"
Annie nodded. "He said to tell you he misses you and loves you. He wants to see you."
Roger nodded, processing it. He wasn't sure how to feel about that information. "It's just 'cause... he... I didn't know if he would forgive me..."
Annie reached out towards her son and awkwardly enveloped him in a hug. "He forgave you a long time ago. He blames himself for your disappearance."
"He'd let me come home, though?" Roger asked. To his surprise he felt a touch of anger. "I'm still gay, you know."
"I don't think his biggest problem was you being gay. Yes, it hurt when we found out. We both had ideas in our minds that you'd one day get married and give us grandchildren. He doesn't like that you think you're gay, but he will eventually learn to accept it. No, the problem all those years ago was you kept wandering off to spend time with your boyfriend to the point you were neglecting everything else: your studies, your chores, your family."
Roger sighed. They weren't going to fight now, were they? But he couldn't help it! He had so much anger pounding inside his head. "My grades were fine, Mom. I did my chores, maybe a little late but I did them, and I didn't spend any more time with Robert than Adam did with his friends! And just because gay people can't get married doesn't stop us adopting or having surrogate children, either."
Annie was taken aback at how bold her son had become, but then realized he had made some valid points. She'd talk to Jakob later about them. She glanced at her watch and realized she needed to get going. She addressed Joshua again: "Listen, I don't want to fight with you since I just found you again. I know there are things that we'll have to work out later, as a family. Just remember, we all love you and want you back. Oh dear. I really need to get going."
He winced. But then... of course. He couldn't expect to be any sort of priority; he'd given that up when he left. He hugged her and kissed her cheek. "I love you, Mom," he told her quickly, then opened the door.
"I love you, too, Josh. Call us tonight, ok?"
"Okay," he promised, then hopped out of the car. He shut the door and waved to her, then headed towards the house. She always waited, when he was younger, to see him into a friend's house before leaving. He wondered if she would do the same now.
Although she hadn't done it in a year or so, Annie decided to wait a moment to make sure Joshua entered the house safely. She watched him fumble in his jacket for keys and struggle to turn the lock. Once he had the door open, she honked and waved, but still waited for her youngest son to disappear into the house before she left. She wanted to watch over him as long as she could.
Roger turned when she honked and waved back. Then he went into the house, shut the door behind him, and locked it.
He immediately began to panic. Roger knew he had come in with his key, that the door had been locked, but he began to worry... what if someone else had come in... he hadn't been here all day...
Methodically, Roger checked every single room in the house, his heart hammering harder and harder each time he discovered an empty room. He whimpered softly. He was sweating. Surely he had found no one because there was someone he had missed. But he was too scared to look again. Instead he crept into the laundry room and hid himself, waiting to come out until he heard Mark's voice.
to be continued!
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