This might be a note: This also might be an update... perhaps an optical illusion... figment of your imagination. Nope, it's actually an update! Someone call security, or Scotland Yard, or something. I don't know what to say, my six week holiday in America was fucking awesome so I'm not overly sorry about how long this update took me. Them's the breaks when Emma gets a life kids. :D

Disclaimer: If I owned iCarly I'd have punched myself in the face repeatedly after that whole arc fiasco.

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FOURTEEN:

...let me occupy your mind, as you do mine.

/

I'd seen my fair share of movies to know how the morning after was supposed to go. Awkward glances, embarrassed smiles, some kind of comment on horrendous morning breath, which I knew for a fact would be shot my way; if Sam was still here that is.

She wasn't, and my heart plummeted when I blindly stretched my arm across the mattress only to feel nothing but the cold empty space on the other side of my bed.

Delusional.

That's what I was, utterly delusional. Forever living in my romantic fantasies and cookie-cutter ideals, because despite knowing better somewhere in the back of my mind I thought there was a pretty good chance she'd still be lying next to me when I woke up.

I wanted nothing more than an awkward morning after with her, to laugh dryly, shrug stupidly and pull her close to me… spending the rest of the day in bed together. Nothing to discuss, nothing to analyse just a very simple progression, a simple this is what we are now.

I had to remind myself that this was Sam and that the pretence of last night couldn't possibly allow for things to run as smoothly as I stupidly hoped. She was still under false impressions and I'd created a different kind of awkward for us, because now I'd have to find her, approach her with caution and we'd spend the first few seconds giving each other monosyllabic grunts and getting absolutely nowhere.

There was no way around it though, we'd have to discuss everything, well as much as you can discuss anything with Sam, and I already knew how that conversation would go. She'd fake boredom then come up with some elaborate story about a head trauma or telling me she was suffering from amnesia. I'd have to bare my soul and try and get her to understand why I didn't tell her the truth last night and she'd hate me forever.

Oh joy.

As perfect as last night was and as euphoric I was feeling the whole situation was beyond messed up, and last night was perfect, in every possibly way… except of course for the reason behind why it had happened, why I had let it happen. And for that I hated myself.

I didn't want to wake up and be feeling such regret and shame and, if I really thought about it, an odd sense of betrayal. Because it was Carly who had lied to Sam to begin with, Carly who had gone against her word to me and seemingly forced Sam into something she probably wasn't prepared for.

I hated this. I hated and loved everything at the same time. This was unfair on levels I could not begin to describe.

I was too conflicted. I had to find her and at least try to make everything right. I rolled out of bed and pulled on the first few items of clothing I could find, ignoring the need to worry about my appearance right now and ignoring all the flashbacks that came with putting last nights clothes back on.

Once I was dressed I just sat there for a minute, forcing all those thoughts to the back of my mind with a heavy sigh. I stared blankly at the ceiling, entirely confused, angry and elated all in one bundle, each emotion vying for attention. Then that ominous tone of my cell filled the room.

I basically ran for it, thinking that just maybe it was Sam and she was calling for whatever reason, I didn't care, I was just momentarily happy that it could be her. But I was again hit with the delusion stick; and when I looked down to find Carly's name flashing on the screen my anger returned in a blinding flash.

I hit that small green button with a little too much force and spoke before she could.

"You've got some nerve calling you know?" I hadn't meant the words to be so harsh and I cringed.

"Well hello to you too."

"No, no pleasantries," I paused, collecting every last nerve I could get my hands on. Apparently my anger was manifesting at an alarming rate and I was unable to control it. "Just what exactly are you playing at, Carly?"

"Playing?" She questioned, "Freddie, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about; I just called to see how things went with Sam last night."

She was playing dumb and smiling; I could tell she was smiling. Obviously quite impressed with herself about interfering, obviously under the impression that she had done something right yet again.

Carly and her damn helpfulness.

"Yeah, Sam… what the hell did you say to her?"

It took her a second to register my tone, "Oh," she breathed.

"Yeah, oh," I repeated sarcastically.

"I didn't mean to make things worse," she said, her voice soft and regretful.

I knew her intentions were good, they always were and I knew she was waiting for me to say that it was okay and to move on from my pissed off mood. However, it was unshakable and the feeling of betrayal remained, no matter how ridiculous.

I didn't want to repeat the question, mostly out of fear that I'd scream at her if I did so I kept quiet. My patience was wearing thin as I waited for her to tell me what I already knew; she'd told Sam that I was running away to London; I just need to hear her say it.

Carly inhaled deeply, probably trying to brace herself. "W-Well she called me to say that everything was good between you guys again and I guess… I—I just said to her that you probably wanted to smooth things over before you left and-"

"Damn it, Carly," I cut her off, throwing my head back and flopping down onto my bed.

Jesus you're so dramatic.

"I'm sorry, okay?" Carly said earnestly. "But she got really quiet once I told her, I was sure I'd triggered something and she'd come over to tell you how she felt… or at least show you or ask you not to leave, or something," she paused, exasperated. "I don't know."

"Well she did come over and now everything is ruined," my voice rose of its own accord.

"Wait, so you did see her last night then?"

I stood, a sudden panic welling up inside me. "Well yes but-"

"Did she talk to you?"

"Yes—but—I—it's, she-"

"Did she call you a girl and start packing for you or something?"

Carly really needed to stop cutting me off and asking her string of incessant questions. It was like deja-vu. I started to pace.

"It—I don't—No-"

You'd think after getting laid I'd have no frustration left, but I'd slept with Samantha Puckett, the least straightforward person in history. That fact was like a constant running mantra through my head—one that had two meanings; total euphoria and total life fuckery.

"Well what then?" Carly shouted at me.

She was frustrated.

Yeah, join the club.

I breathed heavily rubbing my free hand across my face, and preparing myself for the truth bomb I was about to launch at my short time girlfriend, long time best friend.

"Look, when I got back to the dorm it was really late and I found her sitting here in the dark, okay?" I paused hoping she might interrupt me with a question, no such luck. "She looked upset, like really upset, Carly... and she told me that she'd spoken to you and... shit, I was too scared to speak let alone breathe and then... then..." I faltered.

"Then?"

Sixty agonising seconds went buy until Carly gasped loudly and I heard a small thud in the background. "She told you how she felt didn't she?"

"Well-"

"I knew it! I was right! I'm right, right?"

"Sorta," I shrugged stupidly. "She kissed me and-"

It's true what they say about girls and their banshee like similarities, I had to hold the phone away from my ear until Carly had calmed herself down.

Any minute now.

One final gasp and Carly was finally done, "She kissed you! Freddie, that's huge why are you acting like such a pissy little girl?"

"Because she kissed me and now she's gone," I threw my arm in the air wildly as the words cascaded from my mouth and then time stood still, the air around me becoming instantly stagnant; the dead silence eating away at my ears.

"W—w—w—wait," Carly stammered, "What do you mean she's gone?"

Brace yourself.

"Well…" I said, drawing the word out to keep from the truth.

"Damn it, Freddie!" She whined, her voice full of disappointment. "You weren't supposed to sleep with her!"

It was like being scolded by my mother, although if this was in fact my mother I'm sure I'd be locked up in some decontamination cell for the next ten years; or a mental facility for even having the nerve to tell my mother such things about my new found sex life.

My instincts were the same as they always were; defend myself like a five year old.

"She initiated it!"

Real mature.

"And you didn't stop her!"

I scoffed. "You really think I was able to?"

Carly sighed, in that condescending judgemental way. "Well it's no wonder she's gone, Freddie. She was vulnerable and you took advantage." She took a long painful pause and I let all the guilt wash over me. "You need to fix this and you need to fix it fast."

I mulled that over for a moment, surely she couldn't be that stupid. "Really?" I asked sarcastically, "You think I'd not thought of that?"

"So what are you doing on the phone with me then?"

She was that stupid.

"You called me!"

"And you decided to pick up instead of ignoring the call to go find Sam just so you could bitch me out even though you know you're the one in the wrong here?"

If I wasn't already confused, clouded, fuzzy, whichever one is more appropriate for my current situation, Carly had just made it worse.

"Huh?" I asked, dumbly.

"You have to find her, you have to find her now and tell her how you feel or she's gonna feel totally manipulated."

"I did tell her," I tried not to let my voice crack as that particular memory came screaming back to me. "Last night," I finished sombrely.

"Oh. Well what did she say?"

"Nothing," I paused, an involuntary smile creeping its way onto my face. "She just grabbed my hair and kissed me."

Carly let that process for a minute, with a cough and a small splutter before she sighed for what felt like the hundredth time in all of five minutes.

I didn't really want to go into pornographic detail with her and I wasn't done yelling at her yet so I interrupted the obvious giggle fest that was heading my way, "I still can't believe you did this," I scolded.

I could feel Carly's mood change instantly. "What? I did nothing wrong, Freddie," she responded quickly, the words rushed but firm.

"You broke your promise Carly, you broke it and now she's gone."

There was a beat of silence-

"I promised you I wouldn't call her."

-and another.

I snorted at the stupidity of it all. "You really think a technicality is going to get you out of this?"

"I'm not trying to get out of anything, Freddie. But you need to ask yourself who you're really angry with here."

I'm angry with you, damn it! I'm not the only one who should be sorry; I'm not the only one who took advantage of her... I shouldn't be the one feeling all the guilt!

I wanted to scream it at her, had we been in the same room I might have even thrown something at the wall while I disrespected my best friend with every ounce of blame and immaturity. I continued to pace, flexing my hands over and over, a strange tingling sensation running through them and up my arms.

I shook my head, and it was then that I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror hanging on the back of the door, my face a mixture of misplaced rage and uncertainty.

It was hideous and unforgiving, but at the same time, far too familiar.

You're done. So done.

Self realisation is a funny thing. You can convince yourself that you're aware of your surroundings, aware of how you relate to people and yourself—you can even make what you believe to be a noble attempt to change your way of thinking. But until you've been forced to take a step back, look at yourself and then see evidence in the cold light of day, you remain just as misguided as ever.

And that's exactly what I was, what I had been this whole time… I was just too damn proud to admit it, or at least acknowledge the depth of it.

I hadn't changed at all; I'd made attempts, convinced myself to the point of certainty that I was no longer that weak, always defeated tech nerd, but while everything and everyone else around me was moving forward I remained that same hopeless boy, clinging desperately to the notion that life, despite all evidence to the contrary, was supposed to be perfect for me and me alone.

When what I really needed to know was that life is a circumstance and it was entirely up to me to arrange my own; that no matter what had happened, good, bad, excruciatingly painful—it had all worked together to bring me to this very moment. And this was the moment I could choose to make everything new; right now.

The anger vanished from my face in half a second; I took a deep breath and let it out in a loud puff, feeling sheer relief for the first time in months. "I'm not—I'm not angry, just utterly confused."

"I know," Carly said, soft and caring. "But you can't have thought this would be the least bit easy."

"I guess I haven't been doing a whole lot of useful thinking lately." My voice was just a whisper now, awareness seeping through me.

"But she's worth it, right?"

"I wouldn't be where I am if she wasn't."

"Good. So when you find her you have to tell her in no unwavering terms how you feel and just deal with whatever happens from there."

"Right."

"Call me once you've found her, yeah?"

"Sure."

"Thanks," she hesitated, "For understanding, Freddie. I feel almost worse now because you're not yelling at me anymore. I guess I kind of owe you one."

I smiled to myself, said goodbye and shut the phone off before I had the chance to tell her not to worry about it, because maybe somewhere deep in the dark crevices of my brain, I knew she didn't owe me a damn thing.

I was determined, focused, and wearing blinders because when I left my room in a hurry I didn't even notice Justin leaning against the wall until he toasted me with his coffee and said, "Mornin'," with a smug knowing wink.

There was just no way to explain the dread I felt. "How could you possibly know?" I asked.

Justin released perhaps the heaviest, most ponderous sigh I'd ever heard in my life. He approached me placing a hand on my shoulder, "Well you two weren't exactly quiet now were you?"

His face was unreadable and I got the distinct impression he wanted to call me "grasshopper", until he broke into a toothy grin and walked away shaking his head.

"Terrific," I deadpanned, giving him my best bored expression.

"Oh relax your crack, I saw her sneak out of here no more than an hour ago anyway," he said as he took a nonchalant sip from his cup.

"An hour?"

"Yup."

"Just one hour?"

"Yes," he stated firmly, "Want me to write it down?"

"No, it's just…" I paused trying to keep my knees steady and my face flat, "She stayed." I couldn't help the smile that broke out on my face.

"Aaaaaand?"

I ran for the door ready to get the hell out of here and find her. "Well she didn't do some middle of the night mad dash did she? She stayed."

He laughed. "You think you're pretty badass right about now, don't ya? Well it was about time you two-"

I rolled my eyes. "Shut up Justine."

The distinct sound of Justin's arrogant chuckle followed me out the door.

I took off running at first, flying down the stairwell, miraculously without falling flat on my face, and bolting out the door. I kept running, taking a left, then a right, another left; not running in circles but definitely not getting anywhere. The reality of just how vast my search area was crippled me momentarily and I came to an abrupt halt in front of the creepy, though still important, dead guy statue outside the library.

I didn't know his name or his significance to this school, I didn't care, in fact I was sure I'd never even noticed there was a statue outside the library before now. But something kept me from moving, kept me from continuing my search and it was pissing me off not knowing why.

I studied the lines on his face, the expression he was wearing, the proud stance he was obviously asked to keep for hours while they sculpted him into history… basically I was wasting a shit load of time staring into the face of a dead guy who was of no importance to me or my purpose.

If I didn't find her soon, the whole world was going to fall apart; my whole world would fall apart. I had to find her, because my mind was starting to convince me that none of this was real. I needed her presence to verify the present, and possibly the future.

That thought jolted me out of my hypnotic state and I headed straight for the food hall. If she was going to be anywhere it would be around food, right?

Wrong.

The hall was completely empty aside from one lonesome janitor sweeping a floor that looked perfectly clean to me. Thankfully he didn't notice my abrupt presence and I was able to escape without being forced into a longwinded pointless conversation.

So I began running again, across the hall through the other door, spending the next two hours searching every obscure Sam place I could think of. Up trees, abandoned buildings even a dumpster or two; and of course any place that sold fried chicken. But ironically enough there was no sign of her, not at Flipside Burger Joint or Big Jim's BBQ Buffet Hut or any of his seven surrounding chains.

She was nowhere—at least not anywhere obvious that I could think of—and I don't do well with defeat. I made my way back to campus, slow and begrudgingly, I wasn't about to give up but I was also running low on positivity.

I'd wasted two hours looking in places I knew she wouldn't be, my subconscious attempt to delay the inevitable it would seem; until I was outside the library again.

Unsure how exactly I got there but certain as to why.

And I was all but ready to kick my own ass into next week, and I should have, because I knew she was here, I'd known all along even before I'd left the dorm. I'd found her in the library once before, three years ago at Ridgeway. I looked at her and she looked back at me, no words were spoken and I left. The next day was like nothing had happened, she never brought it up and I was too petrified or perhaps just smart enough not to either. I never got the full story about what went down and the only thing I had to go on all these years were rumours. Rumours that I knew now weren't even true.

So there was no question where she'd be, far back corner amongst the books that rarely saw the light of day. Just like last time.

The library was virtually empty; I decided that was a good thing, because if Sam was going to cause a scene there weren't too many people she'd be disturbing. On the other hand if she was going to murder me I didn't have a whole lot of witnesses either.

I drew in a deep breath and rounded the last corner.

There she sat, slumped against the wall, hair a total mess, her ears blissfully plugged into her iPod, eyes closed, and an untouched bagel in her lap. I thought she might sense my presence and shoot me a look that could kill but she remained motionless.

So of course I simply stared at her for a while, almost like I was seeing her for the first time and maybe I was. My very first in encounter with Sam was as you'd expect… a scoff, an insult, and a punch to the arm before she took off running for the swing set.

So much had changed.

That particular day I'd made my mind up about her almost instantly, she was a demon; a demon set upon this earth to test me and make my life miserable. But today while anyone else might look at her and think she was a regular raging hobo I saw nothing but my Sam.

The girl who gave my life colour.

She was beyond gorgeous and I forgot how to breathe as small dots appeared in my peripheral vision in a kaleidoscope of colours… I couldn't take it any longer.

I nudged her knee with my shoe. "Hey," I said pursing my lips and raising my eyebrows as she opened her eyes lazily to look up at me.

"Oh no," she said, pulling out one ear bud, "You found me."

"Well you weren't doing a very good job at hiding," I countered, as I slid down the wall to sit opposite her, doing my best not to shake uncontrollably.

"If I was trying to hide from you Benson, you wouldn't have found me."

"So you came here on purpose then?"

"Yeah," she scoffed, "That's why I do anything in life."

I studied her face for a second, it was as blank as it ever was but that didn't shake the feeling that perhaps she wanted me to find her. That wasn't necessarily out of the question, right? The library not being the first placed I actually checked but significant enough for me to subconsciously know she'd be here… a significant place for us even if we never spoke of it.

Minutes ticked by. She sat silent. I wasn't sure if that was good or bad.

I loved her spirit but I also loved the idea of being witness to these confusing silences, being the one to take care of her, because she needed taking care of whether she wanted to admit that or not. My feelings were complex, she was complex. I watched as she picked at the bagel in her lap, tearing pieces off carelessly much like she did with life itself and I thought that I could spend the rest of my life being utterly confused and fascinated by her.

"So are we gonna talk about it?" I finally broke the silence, eager to get on with things, with life.

"About what?" She shrugged dismissively.

"Are you kidding me?" I tried to call bullshit with my eyes alone.

Her face went sombre and she looked away from me, "Well I don't see the need," she mumbled, placing a small piece of the now shredded bagel in her mouth.

"You can't just ignore this one."

"Well hey, I rocked your world last night I think that's a pretty decent going away present don't you? No need to analyse the shit out of it."

"I'm not buying that."

"Buying what? You're leaving, I did you a favour, end of story. Someone had to prepare you—those English chicks are crazy, they'll sleep with damn near anything."

"So I guess that makes you one of them?"

A faint blush spread across her cheeks as she dropped her eyes from mine and bit her top lip. I'd done it again, I'd successfully made her nervous... or at least a little bit bashful and I had to stop my lips from curling up into a triumphant smile. I decided to leave it there for a while, watching her closely before I went further.

So we sat there I guess in a somewhat thoughtful silence, as the sun streamed through the window, a fiery orange illuminating her dishevelled hair like silk. My hands twitched with the urge to touch it again, every minute detail of the way it felt, the way she felt under my fingertips came rushing to the forefront of my mind. It was almost painful, to have her there within arms reach but unable to do much about it.

Pull your shit together.

I shook my head and focused on the present, the sole reason I was here. She wasn't about to say anything so it was again up to me to lay it all on the line, but that was the whole point, right? For me to stop wasting time... mine and hers.

Right.

I swallowed thickly. "Just so we're clear, I'm not going anywhere."

Her eyes flickered to me and then back to her lap as she pushed a lock of hair behind her ear, "Don't think that just because of what happened last night you have to-"

"I was never leaving..." I cut her off. It was my only answer, the only answer that was short enough. "...And I meant what I said."

She looked up at me briefly through her bangs, and it was then that I noticed just how bloodshot her eyes were; like she hadn't slept at all or like she'd held back tears that surfaced but was too afraid to let spill over. "So Carly..." she trailed off, her voice flat and slightly confused.

"Carly," I started, choking on my words, "She-she had her information wrong."

Her brow furrowed in more confusion. "But-but she made me th-"

"Nobody can make you do anything, Sam."

That was usually where I got all tangled up with that inconvenient thing called the truth. In the past I would have blurted out my emphatic 'NO!' and looked like a complete jerk but, god willing, I'd figured out some way to be tactful.

Wow. Tact and the truth. That's new.

I leaned forward trying to gain some assertiveness, in not only my voice, and placed my forearms on my knees. "Look, despite what you might think I'm not actually here to rehash last night with you. I know what happened, you know what happened. There's no ignoring it... sure you can try but I'm not going anywhere and I don't care how hard you push me away. I'm done being stupid. I know how I feel, you know how I feel and I've struggled with it for the longest time; so the way I see it... it's your turn to deal now."

I felt an odd surge of power flow through me, fuelled by my words and by the look of utter bewilderment on her face. I stood up and took a few careful strides, holding back my whistle, but I could feel her eyes blazing holes into my back as I walked away.

"And just for the record, it's pretty obvious that I rocked your world last night too," I called over my shoulder as I rounded the corner out of sight.

/

A/N: Alright, so I am somewhat sorry about how long this took me… the wait was actually ridiculous considering I had more than half of this thing written before I left for my holiday but a case of post holiday blues is to blame. I'm fairly certain there's only one more chapter to go in this here story… so I'll try to make it quick.

Special thanks to The Earl of Sandwich and MuseFair for helping me get this thing off the ground so to speak.

Chapter title comes from the song 'Heart's a Mess' by Gotye