Chapter 14: You okay?
(Erin's P.O.V.)
Barely five minutes after her talk with Hank, a friendly nurse was leading the two of them through the hospital. Erin's heart was pounding in her chest like crazy. This all happened so fast. One minute she was on her way to score for her mom and the next she was about to see her injured partner recovering from surgery in a damn hospital. Her thoughts were spinning and her head hurt worse than ever but she didn't care. She needed to see him.
She tried her best to properly walk beside Hank but her body screamed at her to rest. But she ignored the pain, didn't even fully register it, as the three of them made their way through the busy hallways of Chicago Med. She bumped into a few nurses along the way, cursing under her breath a couple times as she tried to keep up with Hank and the nurse.
A few minutes later, she released a shaky breath as they finally stopped in front of a grey door. Room 203. Erin stared at the sign, trying to somewhat prepare herself for what might await her behind that door. She shivered despite Jay's warm hoodie she was still wearing and quickly hugged her arms around herself, trying not to wince as she put pressure on several small cuts and bruises on her ribs. But the nurse noticed and looked her over with an uncertain expression, her green eyes drifting to the nasty wound on her forehead.
"Are you sure you don't want me to take a look at that cut, hun? It won't take-"
But Hank interrupted her and firmly said, "I got it, thanks."
The woman didn't look too happy about his response but didn't push it any further either. She probably figured a cop knew what he was doing.
"All right, then," she said hesitantly. "Um, before you go in there you should know that Detective Halstead is probably asleep again. He just got back from surgery about half an hour ago." She looked at Erin again, worry evident in her kind eyes. She patted her arm a little and it took everything in Erin not to flinch at the touch. "Just don't hesitate to call me if you need anything."
Erin just nodded stiffly and watched as the nurse hurried off. Only the sound of Hank's voice made her look up again.
"You got five minutes." His tone left absolutely no room for discussion. He just gestured for her to go ahead as he leaned against the wall next to the room, scratching his chin absentmindedly before crossing his arms in front of his chest.
Erin felt his eyes on her as she hesitantly grabbed the handle and walked in. She quietly closed the door behind her and took a deep breath before slowly turning around. She took in the sight in front of her, her heart dropping for what seemed like the millionth time that day.
Jay was lying in the center of the small, way too bright room in his hospital bed, surrounded by various machines. His upper body was wrapped in bandages and barely covered by the white blanket. His breathing was steady and calm, his eyes closed. He was asleep, just like the nurse had predicted.
Erin just stood there, staring at her injured partner for what felt like an eternity. The reality of it all finally truly hit her. This was all because of her. He had tried to clean up her mess, help her out, and then got shot in the process. They had promised to always have each other's back but she had broken that promise. And he had paid the price for her mistakes.
She eventually mustered up enough courage to walk a little closer but suddenly, she was afraid he might wake up any second and yell at her for being a horrible person. It was an irrational thought but she couldn't help it. It seemed like the only reasonable thing to do in his position.
After a few moments, she slowly managed to pull up a chair and sit next to his bed though - ignoring how her battered body was more and more protesting against all the walking she'd done today - and just watched his chest slowly rise and fall in a steady rhythm. She slightly shook her head as she realized she could have lost another person close to her heart today. And it would have been her fault. Again. Why did these things keep happening to the people she cared about?
Erin carefully traced the palm of his motionless hand with her trembling fingers before she wrapped it in both her cold hands with one swift motion. A tear or two escaped her eye and slowly ran down her left cheek as she stared at the sleeping man in front of her. How many times did she push him away, trying to save him all the trouble that came with caring about her? She wanted him and the unit to be safe, didn't want to be the reason people got hurt. Well, looking at Jay right now made it pretty obvious that hadn't worked out so well. In fact, she had only made everything worse for him. So much worse. Maybe she should have left Chicago altogether a long time ago, then none of this would have even happened. Oh, how she wished she could have a serious conversation with the person in charge of this messed up world. If only she believed in a greater power, a god, a guardian over the universe - call it whatever you like - then she could blame them for all the misery. But she couldn't.
She sighed. She simply didn't deserve Jay's efforts. He had done so much to help her, had tried everything he could to save her from herself. Because for some insane reason he thought she was worth it. But…was she?
Erin jumped as she felt his fingers slightly squeeze hers back. She glanced up at his pale face but he had his eyes closed, still out of it. Great, now she was imagining things. Or, well, her nerves could still be on fire from all the crap she'd taken these past weeks. She couldn't be sure but decided she would like to think it had been the first option, even though the soreness of her muscles, the tingling sensation on her skin and subtle nausea tried to convince her of the latter.
She let go of his hand and leaned back in the chair, groaning as her side hurt again, as if she needed to be reminded of why Jay was here in the first place. He was here because she screwed up. Big time.
Just then, before she could let her thoughts wander any further in that direction, the door opened and Hank peeked inside. Part of her was kind of relieved actually, as he saved her from being sober and alone with her thoughts for the first time in weeks. She already felt like crawling into a hole and just hiding from the world but she knew she had to keep it together in front of him.
"You comin'?" His voice was almost clear of any emotion. He seemed to be hiding his true feelings about all of this. She didn't know yet if that was a good or a really bad sign and it scared the crap out of her.
But nevertheless, Erin stood and shot one last glance at Jay's sleeping form before she made her way towards the door. It's not like she had a choice. After she had quietly closed the door behind her again, he instantly wrapped his arm back around her shoulder, as he had done earlier, and began to lead her away from Jay's room. She was beginning to think this really was a way to physically trap her. Maybe now he was gonna start the conversation she had dreaded ever since she had first seen him earlier. Maybe he would now want to know the ugly truth, make her talk about the stuff she never ever wanted to talk about - especially with him. Because that's what Hank would normally do. But as they turned around the third corner now and he still hadn't said anything, she decided this whole situation was far from normal.
"Where are we going?" she hesitantly asked with a small, hoarse voice. He glanced sideways at her before calmly answering.
"You didn't seriously think I would let you walk around like that without having somebody check you over, did you?"
A shiver went down her spine. Oh. She didn't want strangers to examine her, ask her awkward questions she didn't want to answer. They would tell her exactly how screwed up she was and she didn't want to hear it. It would make everything a little more real. She had always hated hospitals. Too many bad memories. Hank knew that, yet his tone had made it clear he was not joking. But she kept quiet, preparing what she would tell him to get out of this.
They eventually stopped in front of a door where a nurse was already waiting for them. It took her a few seconds but then she recognized her from earlier. Her and Hank had discussed something and now she knew what. He was always one step ahead of her, it seemed.
"Dr. Greene is already waiting for you, Detective."
She gestured inside the room and smiled. Erin clenched her jaw at what the nurse had just called her, painfully aware of the badge Hank had on his belt. A badge she no longer possessed. She shook her head, refocusing on Hank, as she crossed her arms in front of her chest.
"I don't need to go in there." She tried to make her voice sound casual, yet certain. Like it was no big deal. She really didn't need to see a doctor, her cuts and bruises would heal over time. "I'm fine."
But unfortunately, he didn't agree with her one bit. In fact, he looked like he had been waiting for her to object. He just knew her too well.
"All right, Erin, listen closely now 'cause I'm only gonna say this once." She was surprised at how calm he sounded. Like he had thought a lot about his choice of words. "I know you don't like this but it's not optional. You're not a child anymore, so quit acting like one."
She frowned at him, her lips forming a thin line. There was the emotion she had been waiting for. The anger, the disappointment. But he looked her in the eye and shook his head.
"I'm not mad at you, or punishing you, so don't give me that look. That's not fair. I'm only trying to do what's best for you here, even though you can't see it." He was still talking really clearly and calmly, yet his eyes sparkled with determination. "Because before I say anything else to you - and we will have a talk - I have to make sure you're getting the medical care you obviously need. Now, get your ass in there, kid."
Erin sighed quietly. Fine. She would just have to woman up and get through this. She didn't want Hank yelling at her, didn't need things to get worse than they already were. She didn't like being told what to do but all energy she would usually waste on a discussion like this was long gone. And the situation was already so tense and uncomfortable, she didn't want to risk making him mad. He didn't deserve that on top of everything else. But just when she was about to finally enter the room, he spoke up behind her again, making her turn around.
"You want me to come with you?"
Despite his little speech barely ten seconds ago, he now looked like he just couldn't help but ask her that. Be supportive. He wasn't Voight, her boss right now. He was Hank, the person who had saved her life by taking her screwed up teenage-self in. But as much as she craved his support, she thought she had to do this on her own. She didn't want him to see what she had put her body through in the past weeks. It would hurt him even more to see her like this, hear what the doctors would have to say about her. So she shook her head and ignored the voices in her head yelling at her to run.
"No, it's fine," she replied with the best smile she could manage.
This whole "checking over" process – it took about two and a half hours. Bandages, stitches, x-ray, head CT, blood tests…She got the full workup - and hated every second of it. Erin liked Dr. Greene, though. They already knew each other from some cases that required Erin to talk to some doctors at Med. But she was still more than glad when she was told they were finally done.
Hank was still right outside, waiting for her. Dr. Greene smiled at him and gave him the short version of what was going on. Erin was grateful she left a few details between the two of them.
"…and as I've already discussed with Erin, I'd like her to come in again next week. Just another check up to make sure everything is healing the way it's supposed to. But I'm sure your detective will be as good as new in a couple of weeks, Sergeant."
They both had to hide their cringing as the doctor referred to Erin as a detective once again. It hurt to be reminded of the moment she gave him her badge and walked away.
Hank just nodded at the woman and mumbled a quick "Thanks, doc."
As Dr. Greene then excused herself and walked off, he sighed before turning to Erin again and studying her for a moment. It made her uncomfortable and she felt so small under his piercing gaze that she wanted to yell at him to just spit out whatever he might have to say but she simply didn't have the energy left to do so. But he surprised her with his next words.
"Come on, let's go grab something to eat." His eyes wandered from her hollow cheeks back to her eyes in a split-second. "You're too thin, kid. When was the last time you had some decent food?"
She just shrugged at the question. Dr. Greene had actually told her the same thing. You need to gain at least a little bit of weight because this is unhealthy. Especially for someone who chases after criminals for a living. Erin had only half listened to what she had said, didn't think anything mattered right now except for Jay to get better – and for her to get away from the unit as soon as possible. She had thought about it and decided it was still best to get some space. No matter from what angle she looked at it, that still made the most sense to her.
Hank just nodded like he had expected that kind of "response" about food from her but still didn't like it at all. They were about to walk down the hall when Erin heard a familiar voice pipe up behind them. They turned around to see Burgess and Antonio quickly approaching them. Wonderful.
"Hey, Sarge, we got a new lead on the Klinger case," Antonio announced hurriedly as he came to a halt in front of them. "Seems like there is a connection between Sophie Klinger's murder and a robbery this morning in Marty Klinger's convenience store just an hour ago. One offender's dead, but the other is on his way to the district. Ruzek and Atwater already left to talk to him."
Both Antonio and Burgess almost simultaneously glanced from Hank to Erin. While Burgess smiled a little and mumbled a quick "Hey, Erin" Antonio chose to ignore her and focus back on his boss. Erin wanted nothing more than a deep black hole to magically appear in the ground and swallow her whole. But instead, she just avoided eye contact and pretended to find a chart on the wall particularly interesting.
"So what's the plan here?" Antonio pushed, getting impatient.
Hank thought about it while he looked at Erin for a moment. You could almost hear his thoughts racing, torn between staying with her and going to chase that new chance of solving an obviously important case. It felt so…wrong that she had no idea what case this was. It wasn't normal. But what was normal these days? Everything was just a mess.
"All right," he announced with a small sigh. "Erin, you're gonna stay here with Halstead. Burgess, you stay with them." He turned to Antonio and nodded.
"Let's go."
Erin wanted to tell him she didn't need a babysitter but then she thought about why he was doing it this way. He was afraid she might run again. To be honest, with all the feelings swirling inside her right now, the current emotional roller coaster – escaping was indeed a thought she had had more than once the past hours now that she thought about it. She wanted to get out of here so badly.
"Call me if anything changes," she heard Hank quietly say to Burgess before he and Antonio quickly walked off, leaving the women still standing in the middle of the hall.
Erin would have probably kept staring at the floor for the rest of the day if Burgess hadn't cleared her throat.
"So, um, you wanna go see Halstead? I'm sure he'd like to see you."
Erin had major doubts about that but she found herself nodding instead, earning a smile from the younger woman. They barely knew each other but something about Burgess' natural awkwardness made the situation itself a little less uncomfortable. Burgess didn't treat her any differently than usual, always friendly and polite – Erin really appreciated that. It made her feel a little more like herself, something she hadn't felt ever since...you know.
The way back to Jay's room was quiet, save for the natural busy air that hung over any hospital. Erin braced herself again for what might await her inside. What if he was actually awake this time? What would he do? Or say? What was she supposed to say then? Before she could even further think about it, Burgess – innocent as she was – immediately pushed the door open and gestured for her to walk in. Erin sighed heavily, instantly regretting that as her ribcage hurt even more than before from all the poking around that Dr. Greene had done, and entered the room. She briefly thought about how she could easily be walking into a morgue now to see his dead body. She still couldn't believe he had almost paid the ultimate price for trying to help her.
That's all she could think about as she made her way over to the chair that was still positioned next to Jay's bed. Burgess was still standing in the doorway, looking a little overwhelmed with the whole situation.
"Hey, I'm gonna be outside, all right?" she told Erin, glancing at Jay's closed eyes. "Just call if you need anything."
Erin nodded and followed Burgess with her eyes until she had left the room and closed the door with a soft thud.
As soon as the door clicked shut, she released a deep breath at the relief of not having to face both Hank or Burgess for at least a little while. What a mess. That emotional overload was driving her crazy. At least the headache was slowly fading away as the meds she's gotten apparently started to kick in. But nothing they gave her here could take away the pain inside. The frustration, confusion, but most of all the shame and guilt. The hurt. It was too much for one soul to bear. Her mind kept shutting itself off, she couldn't focus on anything at times. It was the weirdest kind of numbness she had felt in her entire life – and that was saying a lot.
Erin tried to find a more comfortable position in that chair but hospitals weren't exactly famous for their nice furniture. She gave up after a few moments, though, because her body didn't like all the awkward movements at all. She just felt nauseous. So she leaned forward and rested her head in her hands, trying to breathe properly. It helped after a while so she just stayed in that position. But she was so focused on her breathing, so eager to forget the rest of the world around her, that she didn't realize someone was watching her now.
"You okay?"
She froze, not daring to move a muscle. Even her heart skipped a beat before it began pounding faster than ever in her chest. She didn't trust her hearing. His voice had been so quiet that she thought she could have imagined it. But when she slowly lifted her face from the palms of her hands, she was met directly with Jay's strikingly blue eyes.
Erin kept staring at him with wide eyes, his small question still ringing in her ears. For ten horrifying seconds, it felt like she had forgotten how to breathe. She couldn't rip her eyes off of his face. And then he smiled a little at her and that's when she couldn't take it anymore. She just lost it.
Every single emotion she hadn't allowed herself to feel came rushing back all at once with full force. She just began to sob uncontrollably, feeling like she could suffocate any moment. The waves of sobs that radiated through her bruised body felt like sharp knife stabs every single time but she just couldn't do anything about it.
She leaned forward and buried her face in the side of the mattress of his bed. The images playing in her head now were pure horror. Not just the recent stuff flashed before her eyes. No. Everything. The sight of Nadia going through withdrawal the first time. Her father, slapping her across the face the last time she ever saw him. The face of Greg Yates. Her view over Jay's shoulder at Nadia's pale and motionless face. Bunny screaming at her. The look on Hank's face when he'd asked her if he could still count on her. Teddy crying as he told her about the stuff he had gone through while she had been taken care of. Hank accepting her badge as he turned around to leave. The lifeless eyes of the boy she had watched be killed last night. And so many more haunting memories of her life. Yes, truly everything came rushing back.
Erin had been certain she'd boxed all of those memories and locked them away a long time ago. And yet here she was, unable to stop crying her eyes out. It hurt so much. Couldn't anyone just make it stop?
She sobbed even harder as she suddenly felt a soft hand gently touch her shoulder. As she fought the images in her head, she tried to focus on his hand, that small connection. She tried so desperately to hold onto it to keep from drowning. It actually started to work after a while and eventually, she even stopped coughing and gasping for air but she still didn't open her eyes. Her body was drained of energy, the turmoil of the past weeks finally fully catching up with her. She didn't trust herself to look at him, afraid of breaking down all over again because he was just too good. Of course, he would ask about her being all right while he was actually the one lying in a hospital bed.
But her thoughts were spinning, she couldn't fight neither the dizziness nor the pain and exhaustion any longer. So, she finally gave in and leaned even more on the bed, resting her head on her arms as she drifted into a restless slumber. The sound of his quiet voice was still ringing in her ears. You okay?