Note & Warning: It happens. Language. Sex. Drinking. Sexy yummy werewolves. Deal with it. So, I went through the other day and edited the playlist. Some of the songs just weren't going with the story now. I also updated the note at the beginning. I think everyone should go check that out. Let's see, there were a few additions to the playlist including: Black Label Society – Damage is Done; John Mayer – Edge of Desire; Boys Like Girls – Go. Of course, I added them to the playlist for you guys. Check that out here: playlist(DOT)com/playlist/18784013067 (DOT should be an actual dot.). Also, if you want to, you can follow me on Twitter. It's twitter(DOT)com/imaginaryheartx . I Twitter a lot. Especially when I'm writing. Or you can follow me on Tumblr : imaginaryheartx(DOT)tumblr(DOT)com . Tumblr is way , yeah. I'm rambling. Thanks for the reviews! You guys are absolutely amazing. Lyrics are from Boys Like Girls – Go. BTW – Happy 2010!! =)

"Believe the tunnel can end
Believe your body can mend
Yeah I know you can make it through
'Cause I believe in you
So let's go put up a fight
Let's go make everything alright
Go on and take a shot go give it all you got
Oh yeah I know that it's not easy
I know that it's hard
Yeah it's not always pretty"

Jacob

The clock on my nightstand said it was 5:30 am. It was morning, but still dark. The sky was full of grey ambiguous clouds. The moon was completely invisible. Off in the horizon, the slightest shade of pink and orange peaked over the ocean. The sun was coming up any time now. Then, I'd have to face reality. Today, Bells would leave. She'd walk out of my life and leave me to be while I worked out the kinks in my life. There was so much left to fix, and so many things left to say. I hadn't thought about how hard this would be. After all, she'd only been here a little over a week. She'd weaseled her little way into my heart. The blackness that reigned there seemed to be nuzzled to the side. She was my light in the dark. She was my sunrise.

I closed my eyes and inhaled her sweet strawberry scent. I loved that she never changed the shampoo she used. I loved that no matter how long it had been and no matter who else she'd been with, that she still wanted me. She'd finally figured out what I was trying to tell her so long ago. I told her then. But, Bells was stubborn. She had to figure it out herself. No one could force her to see the truth unless she experienced it herself. I loved and hated that about her. Mainly, because, I was the one who always ended up hurt. This time, though, it was going to be different. I would make sure of that.

But, there was plenty of work still left to be done. I had to accomplish it, because she believed in me. Her belief in me made me feel invincible against anything. I mean, technically, I was invincible against anything. But, with her next to me, with her belief in me, I could accomplish anything. My life was fixable. My mistakes were just that…mistakes. I could make this all work with just a little bit of time and effort.

Time and effort I had. My inspiration laid next to me with her tiny body pressed tightly against mine. Her breathing even and deep. She was the only person I would do this for. She was everything to me. I kissed the back of her head with that thought.

It would be tough. It wasn't going to be pretty. It was going to be hard, but there was a new felt determination. The dream I'd had at 16 was within sight. I could feel it. I could see her on our wedding day all dressed up in white. And I could just picture the way she would look with her belly round with my...with our child. Our child would hopefully look like her and less like me. I could only imagine our first born having my dark skin and her soft brown hair. Our child would be perfect as long as it was ours.

My dreams. My thoughts were never this vivid back then. I could never really see the child we would have and I could never really see the way her cheeks blushed when the pastor announced us man and wife and finally gave me the chance to kiss my bride. But, there was something about tonight that brought out every last detail of my dreams. I'd spent most of the night thinking about the way our life would be once all of this mess was figured out.

In just a few short hours, I'd have to give her up again. That thought kept haunting me. I'd have to leave her, so I could let go of whatever it was I kept holding on to. The past was the past. Today was my future. Today brought on new meaning in my life. Today would be the day that I would finally take that step forward. I could get up and go. I could take a chance. All I would have to do is breathe and remember that Bella was the reward in the end. This was most definitely not going to be easy. I was willing to do it though. I was willing to swallow my ego and right my wrongs.

Bella rolled over and rested her cool face on my chest. Burying my face in her hair, I inhaled her sweet innocence and kissed her forehead. She was my only reason to make it in this world. I had proven I couldn't make without her.

"Hi," she whispered into my chest. I loved how she could say that one little word and make my day.

"Hi," my mouth formed a smile without trying.

"What time is it?" She rubbed her eye then slid her arm around my stomach.

"6:45." Had it been that long already?

"Mmm. Why are you awake," Bella's fingers caressed up and down my side. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and laid on my back.

"Can't sleep."

She nodded her head on my chest. Her lips cautiously left a kiss over my heart. "I love you, Jake."

Those sweet tender words made my heart swell and break. I didn't want her to go, but she had to. I squeezed her tighter against me. "I love you too, Bells." I closed my eyes and soon drifted into a light and heart wrenching sleep. Morning would come way too soon. And Bells would be gone. Again.

A feather light kiss rested on my lips. It almost tickled. I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't want to wake up. If I didn't wake up, then I didn't have to follow through with today's schedule. I'd rather just sleep. All day.

"Jake," a soft angelic voice rang in my ears. "Time to get up sleepy head." She tried messing up my already grungy hair.

I grumbled silently still keeping my eyes closed. Another kiss landed on my lips. A cool and soft sensation flitted down my stomach and back up. She tapped a finger on my breast bone.

"I don't want to," I whined.

"C'mon, Jake. You have to. It's already 3," Bella's breath hit my ear. She planted a sweet kiss there. Her finger traced my jaw. It stopped at my chin and delicately touched my bottom lip. I kissed the tip of her finger, and felt her palm rest on my cheek. I opened one eye and grinned at her cheesily.

"Alright, but only under one condition," my voice came out raspy and weak.

"What's the condition," Bella chirped.

"This weekend, you come with me to Sam and Emily's for a bonfire."

So, I hadn't exactly planned this out. I didn't know if I was going to invite her to come see me so soon after she left. But, I couldn't not invite her. She had to be there. She was such a huge part of me.

"Like a…" Bella swallowed, "date?"

"Hmm…" I hummed and pondered. "A date? Well, Ms. Swan I never thought you'd ask me to go on a date with you. You know, most men on the rez look down on women taking the first step." I held back the laughter waiting to erupt from my chest. My smile was timid and bleak.

"Jacob," she swatted my chest. "Be serious!"

"I am being serious. You know, I am an Alpha male. I like to keep my manhood intact – even if that means you not being able to ask me on a date," I choked on the laughter.

"Alpha male, huh," Bella's eyes twinkled with the sound of that.

I nodded my head in agreement. "Yup. I am the Alpha." I flexed my chest and then my biceps – one at a time.

"Oh, you are the Alpha, huh? Sorry. Should I like bow in front of you or something," Bella's voice cracked. The laugh she was holding back crept onto her lips.

"As a matter of fact, they say that the Alpha is supposed to get the royal treatment. I mean, really, I haven't been treated very royally as of late," I barked out a small laugh holding the rest in my chest.

"Jake, you are by far the worst," Bella lost control of her laughter and cackled. She doubled over and laid her head on my chest.

Contentment seeped out of me. This was exactly what it was supposed to be like every single day of my life. She was my best friend, and she was the most amazing woman I'd ever met. Even when I was being difficult, Bells was there standing next to me knocking me right back down to where I needed to be. Although I was joking about the Alpha male crap, I wasn't joking about her coming with me to the bonfire this weekend. I really wanted her there. I'm sure Em would love to see her – as well as Sam. Even though he tried to act cocky and Alpha-like, he still had a heart and feelings.

"I'm serious though. I want you to come with me this weekend. And if you want it to be a date, then it will be," I whispered into the top of her head and squeezed her between my arms.

"I want it to be whatever it is, Jake. I'm not going to push. I'll always be here…persistent as ever," Bella's eyes reminisced the many times I'd told her that when she was with the blood sucker. I couldn't help but smile at her. When had the tables turned?

"It can be a date," I whispered.

She looked up from my chest and into my eyes – asking me silently if I was being serious. "Nothing serious. Just a date, ok? We'll let the seriousness happen on its own." I didn't want to push things either. Bella's eyes sparkled. Her lips twitched and she smiled.

"C'mon. We have to get up. I have to be at Charlie's in an hour. I promised I'd cook him and Billy dinner," the words left her mouth regretfully.

"Alright," I heaved a sigh.

***

Bella was sitting in the driver's seat of her truck with her feet facing out of the door. Her knees were bent and they pressed into my abdomen. My hands rested on the outside of her thighs. I tried to tell them to move. I tried to make them move, but they wouldn't. I couldn't let go – no matter how hard I had tried.

She never looked at me. She just stared at her hands. She picked at her fingers and dug at her nails. I was sure she was going to make herself bleed if she didn't stop. I knew she didn't want to go, but we'd been over this already. She had to. No matter how much neither us of wanted her to – she simply had to. It sucked.

I cleared my throat which coaxed a glance from her. She hadn't spoken to me since she asked me to help her with her bags. Bella stopped looking at me when I sat her in the seat of the truck and told her to be careful. She was upset and angry. She didn't have a right to be. This was still her doing. My fingers traced windy a path across the top of her thighs.

Bella's stare pressed into me, and I had to look away. My eyes darted to the steering wheel, the shifter, and the windshield. I couldn't look at her now. If I looked at her, I'd pull her into me and walk her back to the house – begging and pleading the entire way for her to stay with me. That couldn't happen. We knew it, but who knew this goodbye would be harder than the first?

She'd just be a few miles down the road – a 20 minute drive tops! And I could see her pretty much whenever I wanted, but I couldn't get the idea of her leaving me out of my mind. What if something happened? What if there was a leech merking around her house? What if she wrecked and no one was there to help her? The knots in my stomach only seemed to double. Why couldn't I do this? It would be just like before she left. We'd be together every day right?

"You'll…" her frail voice broke my thought, "call me, right?"

"Of course," I knew I sounded shocked. She raised an eyebrow at me.

"And we'll see each other," she whispered the statement as a question then she began to bite on her fingernail.

I covered her tiny hand with mine, and pulled it from her mouth. Gently, I kissed the spot she'd been biting and gave her a well forted but weak smile. "You know that we will." I tried to sound reassuring, but I wasn't too sure I bought it either.

Of course, I wanted to see her and talk to her as much as possible. But, what was as much as possible? And how would I feel in a day or two when she wasn't here and I was lost in my head somewhere trying to figure out this mess? I couldn't give her the answers she wanted to hear. I couldn't tell her that everything would be okay. All I could do was promise her that I'd try to make my life better so that I could include her in it.

"Look, Bells," I mustered up all the courage I had left and looked into her eyes. "I will try my damnedest to be there for you when you need me to be, but I can't tell you what you need to hear. All I can do is make a promise to you that I will try."

Her eyes dropped and she watched my chest as I breathed. She seemed to be lost in thought or fighting back tears. She'd put up the wall again. The wall that kept everyone, including me, out. I couldn't read what she was thinking. I couldn't tell what she felt. Her eyes brimmed with enormous tears as she looked up to me. Her bottom lip quivered.

I lost it. Tears stung at the corners of my eyes. My hands cupped her tiny face in them. The tears that I'd been trying to keep back fell effortlessly. "This isn't easy for me either."

"I know, Jacob," her voice mimicked what used to be a strong woman. "It scares me."

I bit the inside of my lip trying to keep the tears in. It wasn't helping, and I was breaking. I was scared too. I was, but I couldn't admit it. I couldn't let her see the fear in my eyes. I couldn't let her hear the fear in my words. I wanted her to walk away from this with a confidence. There was a possibility that it would be a false confidence, but I had the best of intentions and all the will in the world to keep me in check. I nodded my head. With a swallow, I tried to hide the fear.

"Don't be scared, ok? I love you. We are supposed to be, so don't be afraid of that. When there's a will, there's a way. And I have all the will in the world."

That couldn't have come out better. I thought.

The fear that resided on Bella's face seemed to be erased just a little. Her eyes gave me the slightest hint that she believed in me. That gave me a push start. My mind began to reel with all the things I needed to accomplish – all the things I needed to do. I smiled at her and pulled her out of the truck. Her legs dropped and dangled - the ground a foot or so below them. Her arms wrapped around my neck. I squeezed her tightly against me – remembering the feel of her tiny frame against me. I would have this again. I will have this feeling for the rest of my life.

"Jacob, I should probably go. I'm already late," Bella's whisper reached my ears in a sudden and unwelcome screech. Though she only whispered, the words pounded through my veins in a loud and obnoxious way. I'd been rewarded with time next to her, but that time was now at an end. However, this wasn't going to be the end of Bells and me. We were going to work – even if I had to turn back into a huge pussy again. I would.

"Yeah. Charlie might be worried," I felt my throat close in on itself.

This was it. This was goodbye. Again. I had to be tough. I had to prove to her that I was going to be ok without her – that somehow, someway, I would make this work. My confidence level needed fluffing. So, I thought about being her first; I thought about the looks she used to give me in the mornings; I remembered the times we spent hiking; I remembered the way she flirted with me when I saw her at First Beach for the first time. I remembered the way I felt when her hand reached out for mine for the first time. And I remembered the way her words rang in my ears like the sweetest song when she first told me she loved me too.

I sat Bella in the truck again. This time turning her so that she was facing the steering wheel. She grasped the wheel in her hands and held on tight as if the truck were going to rocket into the sky. I chuckled softly and bent my head in kissing her tiny white knuckles. "I love you, Bells." I told her again just in case she'd forgotten.

"I love you too, Jake," she emphasized my nickname. Was that supposed to mean something? I swallowed a breath and kissed her sweetly. A small bit of doubt began to eat away at the confidence I'd built. My hand reached for the keys, which were already in the ignition, and turned the truck over. "Guess, I have to go," she whimpered. Her tears spilled onto her cheeks.

In my own defense, I was only trying to protect her. I just wanted to make her feel like I knew we were going to be okay. So, I nodded my head and grinded my teeth together. If I didn't grind my teeth, then I probably would have burst into tears like a little girl who just lost her dolly. My breathing started to pick up. I was about to break.

"Jake, I can't close my door with you standing there," Bella's face seemed like stone. Her sights were set on the house in front of her. I sighed.

What was I doing?

"Yeah," my breath stopped. I stepped back and closed the truck door slowly – leaving my hands resting on the top seal of the window. I didn't want to say goodbye. I couldn't say goodbye. This wasn't goodbye. It was a see you later. So, I blew against the window of the truck fogging it up. With my index finger, I drew a heart and then kissed it in the center. Bella's hand flew to the window. Her tiny palm pressed hard against the glass. Her eyes filled with tears that were waiting to escape like the rest already had. She lipped an 'I love you'. I whispered it back letting a smile linger on my lips longer than I would have if I hadn't been trying to put up a front. She put the truck in reverse, and slowly began to back up.

I took a step back. My feet felt like cement blocks. They drew lines in the mud as I drug them back. My heart beat wildly in my chest. It quickened when she came to a stop and glanced at me. A smile formed on her delicate lips. She gave a quick wave. The beating of my heart stopped when she slowly began to pull back out of my yard. Her head faced the road behind her, and a tear trickled its way down my cheek.

What was I doing?

I couldn't move. I was like stone. There was no way I could move. If I moved, then I was sure that I would shatter into a million little pieces that she would never be able to put back together. Or I would run to the truck and beg her to never leave me again. Intently, I watched as she backed the rest of the way out of my yard and onto the road. The faded rusty truck stopped for a brief second – as if it hesitated – and then roared out of my sight.

My knees buckled, and I hit the ground. My hands dangled limply into the mud at my sides. And I couldn't tear my eyes off of the road she'd just driven away on. I had promised myself that I wouldn't let her just walk out of my life again, but I just did. I actually forced her out of my life. I only gave her a little window to come in every so often. What the hell was wrong with me?

What was I doing?

My heart sank. The scarred lines began to bleed. The stitches she'd so delicately woven were being ripped out inch by inch. I felt the old familiar sting of regret and fear in the pit of my stomach. I doubled over wrapping an arm around my midsection. I rested my head on the ground below me and closed my eyes tightly. I clenched my jaws together trying to keep back the pain and frustration – the regret – from intruding my thoughts.

I had to be strong. I couldn't let this hurt me. I had to … be without her. How was that even a solution? I couldn't grasp it. But, it was for the best. She'd learn that soon enough. I'm sure she already knew it was for the best. I was not what was good for her, but I couldn't help but betray myself every time I was around her. Bella deserved better than me. She deserved someone like… Edward.

What the fuck?

Edward didn't do nearly as much as I did for Bella. He only tried to control her with every word he spoke. Hell, he didn't even let her speak for herself half of the time, but she loved him. She loved him more than she ever loved me. Would she ever love me more than she loved Edward? Would it even be remotely the same kind of love? Or did she just learn to love me like she did with Elijah?

And, seriously, what kind of name was Elijah? He was some stupid pretty boy college kid, who didn't deserve half of what was handed to him including Bella. So, why did I even compare myself to him? I was by far the better choice. I would always be the better choice, because I was the only one who could love Bella the way she needed to be loved. I knew that, but how the hell was I supposed to love her the way she needed when I couldn't even handle myself? I couldn't stand the fact that my life was so fucked up because of those stupid leeches. I turned into a fucking werewolf, and it ruined a good chunk of my life. If I hadn't turned into a werewolf, then things with Bells would have progressed sooner. And maybe then, she wouldn't have left the first time.

What was I doing?

Self loathing? Self hating? God, when did I turn into such a pansy? I needed to figure this out. I needed seclusion – away from this god awful strawberry reeking house and away from the hurtful memories. A thump in my chest reminded me that I was a werewolf. If I really wanted to get away, then I could. I could just phase and go live inside of my head until I had it all figured out.

The old familiar trembling of my body pulled me out of the dirt. I threw off the tennis shoes I'd put on earlier, and stripped out of my jeans. So, there I stood – naked and trembling – going back and forth between the thoughts of phasing and thoughts of staying human. Either way, I'd be trapped inside of my head for days. The only thing that really mattered was what I would prefer. Did I prefer torture with memories and scents? Or did I prefer the peace and quiet of the forrest?

That was easy. My body trembled and ached. My muscles burned. I started running. My feet moving faster than my brain. Before I knew it, I phased at the brink of the wood line, and didn't take a second glance back. Who knew how long I would be gone. I had to take that chance. I had to be strong, so that I could move on.