Chapter 14 - A Visit
Elizabeth felt a dull ache of disappointment as she looked around at Longbourn's familiar front parlour. So many hours she had sat in this room: entertaining guests, talking - and arguing - with her family, fighting with her embroidery, listening to and playing the pianoforte. She could remember countless hours she had frivolled away in this room. But still nothing more from after the days when she had learnt that Mr. Bingley would not be returning from Town and that Charlotte Lucas was to become Mrs. Collins. What had this room seen since them? She wanted to close her eyes, to concentrate, but her family were loud and raucous around her.
Elizabeth, Mr. Darcy, Georgiana and Mrs. Annesley had all travelled to Longbourn to give Mr. and Mrs. Bingley some peace and quiet - at least until their son awoke - and to see how Lydia fared with her return to Longbourn.
Elizabeth had soon found herself embroiled in a discussion with her mother, Kitty and Lydia about baby Georgiana, whilst the elder Georgiana and Mrs. Annesley had quickly been pulled over to the pianoforte by Mary. Mr. Darcy stayed by Elizabeth's side, though he said very little. Elizabeth was quickly realising this was his standard mode of behaviour around her family. He had assured her repeatedly he did not abhor them anymore, but that still did not make him anymore comfortable around them.
"She looks just like Lydia did as a baby," Mrs. Bennet was saying about Georgiana. Elizabeth was relived to see that Lydia's young daughter already looked healthier. She sat on her mother's lap, playing with a spare ribbon Kitty had given to her and giggling. She looked more like a normal child than the unusually quiet baby she often was. The more Mrs. Bennet and Lydia spoke of the child the less either Elizabeth or Mr. Darcy had to say in the conversation. Elizabeth cast her mind around for a different topic of conversation she could introduce, but experience has taught her that stopping her mother and Lydia in full flow was not an easy task and rarely a successful one.
"It's so fine out today I think I may go and take a stroll around the copse. It was always a favourite spot on mine here in Longbourn." Unable to take the conversation anymore, Elizabeth stood up.
"You did always enjoy the outdoors, Lizzy," Kitty replied, before their mother got a chance. "I am surprised you have not given the copse a visit sooner." She said the words neutrally enough, but Elizabeth suspected Kitty knew exactly what Elizabeth was about and helping her, and Elizabeth silently thanked her for it.
"I shall accompany you," Mr. Darcy announced, also standing up, as Elizabeth had known he would.
She took a deep breath of the fresh morning air as they stepped outside, Elizabeth on Mr. Darcy's arm. They walked slowly, wanting to make the most of their respite.
"I do apologise for my mother, Mr. Darcy, I know she can be a tad overpowering at times. I felt you might appreciate the chance for escape, as, I must admit, I did."
Mr. Darcy chuckled. "Your mother may be untactful but as far as I can assess she is never purposefully hurtful. I would rather converse with her than the vipers of the Ton who calculate each word for its impact."
"I'd say that was an accurate assessment of my mother. But I thought with her choice of topic it would be better if we were to excuse ourselves for a short span of time. She will have found something else to catch her attention by the time we have returned I am sure." Elizabeth felt her heart beat a little faster in her chest. She was not sure how he would react to her introduction of the topic of children, a topic they had steadfastly avoided since that first day.
"She does not know the reason such a topic might be painful for us." Mr. Darcy did his best to keep his voice calm but Elizabeth heard the slight crack nonetheless. At least that confirmed her suspicions that she had not shared her miscarriage with her mother, and that her mother's talk of babies was, as Mr. Darcy said, untactful but not intentionally harmful.
Elizabeth paused, trying to think of a reply whilst staring at the tree she used to climb as a young girl. What else could she say on the matter? That she grieved for their baby girl too, even if she did not remember her. That she hoped they would have more children some day but she had not known how to tell him that and she was anxious about instigating marital relations with him. Elizabeth did not know much about what happened between husband and wife but she knew the marital act was vital for children. After the previous awkward night of sleep she had resolved to ask Jane about the matter, but that was another conversation she did not know how to start either.
Could she tell him she loved him?
Why did the words catch in her mouth?
She knew the answer. Once they were said they could not be unsaid and they would change everything.
"Mr. Darcy, I think we do need to have a proper conversation about our daughter one day. But I do not think now, today, is that day."
"I understand, Elizabeth."
Elizabeth stared at the tree, trying to force her mind elsewhere. So many memories this copse held for her. Climbing this tree as girl. Conversations with Jane, walking round the flowers, their heads together in conference. The elderly woman with the pinched face shouting at her, about Mr. Darcy, and the shades of Pemberley, demanding that she say she would never enter into an engagement with Mr. Darcy, and Elizabeth's defiant reply. Because she did not think that he would ask her again but if he did she knew she would say yes this time.
"He is a gentleman, I am a gentleman's daughter, so far we are equal," Elizabeth murmured the words to herself. Words she had said that very first day she had awoken, and Mr. Darcy had informed her she had said them before then.
"Elizabeth?" Mr. Darcy watched her with a curious expression.
Elizabeth gasped. "Mr. Darcy? I think I just remembered something. I remember refusing to agree to not accept your proposal. Because I loved you!" She tried to remember more, though the headaches were beginning to make their appearance.
"Elizabeth? Did you remember the conversation you had with my aunt?" Mr. Darcy's face was alive with hope once more.
"Yes. Yes, I think I do! Ouch!" Elizabeth cursed, one of the words she had learnt from her husband and his cousin when they had forgotten her presence.
"Elizabeth, do you need to sit down?" She felt Mr. Darcy's grip on her arm as the world began to spin around her again.
"Can you help me to the bench?" She stumbled along blindly following where Mr. Darcy led her until he pushed her down onto the bench. She tried to steady her breathing, having flashbacks to when she had done the exact same thing on a bench in Lambton. Was this destined to happen every time she remembered or nearly remembered something?
Did it matter? What mattered is that she had remembered. She had remembered a moment of being the Elizabeth who had loved him, and agreed to marry him. And it felt the same. The memories and her present feelings felt the same. She could no longer ever doubt that she had loved him once and loved him again.
She opened her eyes and turned to Mr. Darcy, who sat beside her completely oblivious to all that had come to pass within her in the last few minutes.
"Mr. Darcy, I-"
"Lizzy!" Both lovers turned around at the unwelcome intruder. It was Mary. "We have more visitors. Mama said to fetch you."
"Of course," Elizabeth agreed, standing up and trying to hide her annoyance. Mr. Darcy did the same, offering her his arm, and they followed Mary back into the house.
She was so distracted by her own thoughts that she forget to ask who the visitors were and so Elizabeth was surprised by the presence of two gentlemen she did not know in her mother's parlour. She searched her memory for their faces and came up blank. A glance at Mr. Darcy told her that he, too, was none the wiser, but Elizabeth highly doubted he would recognise many faces in the neighbourhood beyond the Bennets and Bingleys.
"Here are Mr. and Mrs. Darcy now. Lizzy, you remember Mr. John Goulding, Mr. Goulding's eldest son, he's returned home from Cambridge. And this is his friend from Cambridge come to visit, Mr. Howden." The last sentence was said in a hurry, as though poor Mr. Howden was not worth her mother's attention, but Elizabeth did not miss the focus her mother currently had towards Mr. Goulding.
"How do you do, Mr. Goulding? It has been some time since I saw you last." Elizabeth said politely, her mother never introduced anyone - especially a gentleman - with that much emphasis unless she had hopes for them. So Mary or Kitty? Mary may have said their mother had calmed her marriage making ways, but that did not mean she had stopped entirely. Indeed, Elizabeth thought the only circumstance that would make that a reality would be the fifth marriage of one of her daughters. "And it is a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Howden." Elizabeth was careful to gave the second younger man the same focus she had given her old childhood acquaintance, as though that alone could make up for her mother's rudeness.
Before either man could make a reply her mother interrupted. "You will not have met Mr. Darcy, now will you, Mr. Goulding? Our Lizzy married so well, do you not think? Mistress of Pemberley! Such a big estate. And the house! Oh, the house! Pemberley House is a rare gem. We were so lucky our Lizzy invited us last summer. Such a good girl to indulge her dear Mama so." Mrs. Bennet reached out to pat Elizabeth's spare hand whilst Elizabeth felt the old familiar coil of shame at her mother's blathering. She hoped her mother would talk no more of her marriage in front of Mr. Darcy, for she felt it would not be too long before she started reminding everyone of Mr. Darcy's estimated worth of £10,000 a year. And she knew her husband would not be pleased by that. He did not like to be thought of in regards to his wealth alone.
"You are lucky to have such a daughter as Mrs. Darcy, ma'am. And it is a pleasure to meet your acquaintance, sir." Mr. Goulding said.
"And yours." The two men bowed, but Elizabeth felt the tug of Mr. Darcy's hand in hers. He was clearly waiting for her to make their excuses. But her headache had cleared and she was now focusing very much on the present. Who did her mother have in mind for Mr. Goulding? And was the attachment reciprocated? She squeezed Mr. Darcy's hand back in an attempt to communicate that she was well and then she took a seat on the free sofa opposite where Kitty, Mary and Georgiana now sat. Mr. Goulding and Mr. Howden also took a seat, Mr. Goulding directed into the seat besides Kitty by Mrs. Bennet and Mr. Howden left to his own devices took the spare seat by Mrs. Annesley.
"Derbyshire is a beautiful county," Kitty told Mr. Goulding. "That is where Pemberley lays," she explained.
"Kitty painted the most lovely picture of Pemberley's gardens, didn't you, dear? Why don't you show Mr. Goulding your painting, Kitty dear?"
"Oh, Mama, I'm sure Mr. Goulding does not want to see my silly paintings." Kitty took a sudden interest in studying her shoes.
"I would like nothing more. I cannot imagine anything painted by your fair hand could be classed as silly." Kitty's face flushed a bright red but she stopped her examination of her shoes to peek at his face.
"Go, Kitty!" Mrs. Bennet ordered. "Go fetch them from your room, child." Kitty murmured a soft reply before standing up and leaving. Mrs. Bennet instantly began talking at Mr. Goulding again.
So Kitty then, Elizabeth thought to herself. I shall have to ask her how she feels about him, whether her blushes are caused by his compliments or our mother's matchmaking.
She turned her attention to the remaining occupants of the parlour. Her gaze falling on Mr. Howden, who sat looking unsure of himself. Knowing that neither of the Darcys or Mary considered conversation starting a key abilities of theirs, Elizabeth knew it would fall to her to try and make conversation flow.
"Have you every been to Derbyshire, Mr. Howden?" This seemed a good a topic as any, especially since Elizabeth knew it to be one of the few topics both Darcys could speak of with passion and at length.
"Alas, I have not. Though I have heard it is a most scenic part of the country."
"Are you fond of the great outdoors then, Mr. Howden?"
"Indeed, there is nothing quite like a gallop through the open space. It is one of the few things I have missed living at the university."
"I felt the same during my time at Cambridge," Mr. Darcy told him. "I missed the wide open spaces of Pemberley. Even more so whenever I stay at Darcy House." Elizabeth took her husband's hand and stroked her thumb across his knuckles in a show of support at this attempt at small talk, something he had made no secret of his derision for.
"I am not one for Town either. What of you, ladies, do you have a preference for Town or country?"
"Country," Elizabeth replied. "I can not survive long without my morning rambles." This was greeted by an agreeing chuckle from her husband and both her sisters.
"I have never been to Town," Mary announced.
"Surely you have been to visit with Aunt and Uncle Gardiner before now?" Elizabeth asked, surprised. Could Mary truly never have gone with them?
"No. It was always Jane and you they invited."
"Oh… Well perhaps they might invite you down this summer. Or you could stay with us next time we are staying in Town. I do not think we will be there this year, given my condition, but we will be staying there next season for Miss. Darcy's coming out." Elizabeth did not need to turn around to know her husband had stiffened in his seat, as he did every time Georgiana's coming out was mentioned. She would need to talk with him before the next season. Prepare him for the fact that his little sister was definitely a grown woman now and he would have to let her make her own decisions.
But for now Elizabeth turned her attention back to her other sister. Mary. Always overlooked by their family, and Elizabeth never gave it too much thought. She never thought to offer or suggest that Mary come to Town with Jane and her, or that the offer should go to her one year. Too wrapped up in her own excitement about spending time with Jane and the Gardiners. She did not think offering a chance to visit them in Town made up for all the times she had neglected her sister, but it had to count as a start.
"That is such a good idea, Lizzy," Georgiana said. "I would be greatly appreciative of a friend during my first season. And the music shops in Town are beyond belief. There is always some new sheet music from the continent to be found."
"You are both fond of music then, Miss. Darcy, Miss. Mary?" Mr. Howden asked.
"It is my favourite past time. I mean-" Georgiana stuttered to a holt as though she had suddenly become aware of her own boldness.
"Miss. Darcy spends many hours in practice at the pianoforte," Mrs. Annesley supplied for her charge.
"Perhaps you and Mary could give us a display," Elizabeth said. "Both my sisters are most accomplished." Mary jumped up eagerly, but Georgiana sat staring at Elizabeth like a deer surrounded by the huntsmen. Elizabeth felt a twist of guilt looking at her terrified face but she knew her sister had to grow more comfortable in performing in public before she could come out next year.
"You could play the new duet you were practising last night after dinner at Netherfield. I shall be the good elder brother and help you with the pages." Mr. Darcy had stood up and his sister reluctantly followed him to the pianoforte. Mr. Howden watched with interest, Mrs. Annesley with an anxiety she could not entirely hide.
As Georgiana sat down at the bench Elizabeth saw Mr. Darcy whisper something to her, whatever it was it he earned him at least a weak smile from his sister.
Elizabeth glanced over at where Kitty still held court with showing her paintings to Mrs. Bennet and Mr. Goulding. None of them were paying any attention to the other occupants of the parlour.
"Are you an eager connoisseur of music then, Mr. Howden?" Elizabeth asked. In the background the first notes of the song began to play. As always Elizabeth was amazed by Georgiana's skill, there was also a marked approval in Mary's talent, to the point where Elizabeth could not tell who was playing which part of the duet.
"Of all kinds, Mrs. Darcy. Though myself I prefer the cello to the pianoforte as my instrument of choice."
"You can play, Mr. Howden?"
"I learnt it as a boy - it was a talent of my father's - and have never wished to give it up since then."
"I must admit I was never musically inclined myself. I can play but not to any great ability - whatever my husband may tell you otherwise. It is why I am always so impressed by both of my sister's accomplishments in the field."
"I can see - or hear I suppose I should say - why. So what brings you home to Herefordshire, Mrs. Darcy?"
"My eldest sister, Mrs. Bingley, who lives up at Netherfield, has just had a son."
"Yes, I believe I briefly met Mr. Bingley's acquaintance when Mr. Goulding saw him in Meryton. My congratulations to your brother and sister."
Out of the corner of her eye, Elizabeth saw Lydia re-enter the room, minus her daughter, and take a seat next to Kitty. Elizabeth hoped Lydia would manage to not say anything too silly or course in Mr. Goulding's presence.
Mrs. Annesley had taken up the conversation with Mr Howden during Elizabeth's distraction, and Elizabeth cursed herself for being a bad hostess before remembering that this was not her home anymore. It was in fact her mother who was being a bad host, which was unusual, generally Mrs. Bennet tended towards the overly enthusiastic approach to hosting. Especially with single gentleman. Even with her preoccupation with Kitty and Mr. Goulding it surprised Elizabeth her mother has not dropped one hint in Mr. Howden's direction about Mary, her one other remaining single daughter.
Just then a discontent note sounded through the room and the music slammed to a stop.
Elizabeth looked over in worry towards the pianoforte and its occupants.
"Gosh, what a dreadful noise you're making over there, Mary!" Lydia called across the room.
"It wasn't Mary's fault." Hurried words from a red-faced Georgiana. "My finger slipped. Mary was playing most beautifully. I apologise for ruining it."
Everyone was quick to mutter that she need not apologise. It did not stop her from running away from the instrument as if it had been poisoned and once more take her seat. Mr. Darcy and Mary followed her, the former with a face full of worry. At the other side of the room Mrs. Bennet quickly re-ignited the conversation, but in Elizabeth's small group everyone was silent, unsure what to say to the young woman currently studying her hands in shame. Elizabeth had plenty of things she wished to say to Georgiana, as she imagined did Mr. Darcy besides her, but they were all matters better left aside until the couple could speak to her more privately.
"I have an aunt who to this day is determined that I purposely tried to deafen her," Mr. Howden announced into the silence. "I was playing my cello after a family dinner one night, and my younger brother was trying to distract me for his own amusement, and he finally succeeded and I never knew the cello could make such an horrendous noise as it did in that moment." He looked over at Georgiana. "My point being that all musicians, even the very best of musicians, and my most humble self is most certainly not amongst that number, will make mistakes. You play magnificently, Miss. Darcy. Do not let such a small setback stop you."
"Thank you, Mr. Howden," Georgiana murmured. She was still bright red but the smile she gave him was genuine.
"Who is your favourite composer?" he asked her.
Elizabeth had to stop herself from breathing a sigh of relief, this was one of the few conversations where Georgiana could hold her own. Georgiana and Mr. Howden talked of music, with the odd comment here and there from their companions, until Mr. Goulding stood up, thanking Mrs. Bennet for her hospitality, and insisting that unfortunately due to prior commitments Mr. Howden and he could not stay for dinner.
"It was a pleasure to meet you, Miss. Darcy," Mr. Howden said, standing up and bowing. "And you too, Mr. and Mrs. Darcy, Mrs. Annesley. Thank you for yours and your family's hospitality, Mrs. Bennet."
"My pleasure, Mr. Howden. You will have to make sure you and Mr. Goulding visit us again before you leave to return to university."
"We would be delighted, Mrs. Bennet," Mr. Goulding told her, though he glanced at Kitty as he said it.
Once the two gentlemen had left Mrs. Bennet declared, "Such a handsome gentlemen, Mr. Goulding, and his friend is so polite, too, if it was not for Mr. Mills I would think him suitable for you, Mary, with all his talk of music, but you have made your mind up, haven't you, girl?"
"Who's Mr. Mills?" Elizabeth and Lydia asked at the same time.
"He's a clerk who works for your Uncle Phillips," Mrs. Bennet said snottily.
"Mama does not approve of him." Mary's voice was cold.
"Why ever not?" Elizabeth asked.
"A clerk! After you and dear Jane married so well."
"Mr. Goulding is not as rich as Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy and you clearly approved of him," Lydia said.
"But he will inherit Haye Park!"
"That is mercenary, ma'am." Mr. Darcy's voice was as cold as Mary's had been.
To be so scolded by one of her much lauded son-in-laws was enough to finally quiet Mrs. Bennet.
"And Mr. Mills will work hard and he will take care of me, that is all that matters!" Mary insisted.
"Do you and Mr. Mills have an agreement, Mary?" Elizabeth asked, surely if Mary was engaged some one would have told her, even if her mother did not approve.
"Not officially. He is waiting till he has enough money saved up to be able to support a wife. Then he will propose."
"Which could be years, and then he might change his mind," Mrs. Bennet told her. "I speak only from concern of you, girl."
"He won't!" Mary insisted.
"He sounds like a good man," Lydia said. "And a good poor man is better than a bad rich man." She paused. "Or a bad poor man," she added in a murmur. "Good is the important thing. Not rich. Or handsome." The entirety of her family were staring at Lydia like they had never seen her before, Elizabeth recognised the feeling. Still felt it herself to be honest. Whenever Lydia flickered from her old silly self to this new more mature version. Elizabeth wondered which side would win out, would time spent at her childhood home away from the horrors of life as Wickham's wife make her become more like her old childish self. Or would the memories of her marriage that still lingered be enough to help her maintain this more mature mindset? Lydia could never unlearn the harsh realities she had learnt as George Wickham's wife.
"Congratulations, Miss. Mary," Mr. Darcy told her. Georgiana added her own congratulations after her brother's.
"Now what of you and Mr. Goulding, Kitty?" Lydia demanded. "He is a good rich man? Those are the best to find, ask Jane and Lizzy!" Even when Elizabeth half expected it, it was still a disconcerting change in attitude, after the dour mood Lydia had created just a minute earlier.
"He is very charming, and very handsome." Kitty giggled. "But there are no agreements between us. He has said he is to move back to Haye Park once he graduates this summer, and then, well, we shall see." Kitty and Lydia went into another round of gigging, and Elizabeth felt a strange tug of nostalgia, which quickly turned into a remembrance of how annoying that synchronized giggling could swiftly become. She shared a brief look with Mr. Darcy who clearly got the message as he stood up and announced that they needed to return to Netherfield. Georgiana stood up with obvious relief, Mrs. Annesley with an anxious glance at her charge. Mr. Darcy politely excused away all of Mrs. Bennet's reasons why they had to stay awhile longer.
"Mary, Kitty, will you walk us to the door?" Elizabeth asked. If either of them found this a strange request they hid it well. The three of them walked behind the Darcys and Mrs. Annesley towards the door. Elizabeth turned to her sisters as she was fastening up her pelisse.
"As far as Mr. Mills and Mr. Goulding are concerned, all I want to say is that you should marry who you chose, not Mama's choice, and that I want nothing more than for you both to find happiness and love."
"I love him," Mary told her. "I do. He may not be the most handsome man, or the richest, but he is kind to me, and he is willing to talk about scripture and sermons with me as he had considered training to be a pastor once, and he encourages me in my playing. He treats me like no ones ever treated me. Like I'm special"
"Then I am happy for you. And I am sorry, I was not always the best sister to you, to either of you." Elizabeth was now pulling on her gloves, whispering, for though she knew now was not the best time for this conversation she did not know when else it would be possible, and she felt that these were words she had to share.
"Neither were we," Mary said. "But thank you, your support means a lot to me"
"And you, Kitty? And Mr. Goulding?"
"I do not know. I like him. Very much. But I do not know if I love him."
"Some times you do not know if you are in love until you're already in the middle of it."
"Like Mr. Darcy and you?" Kitty asked.
Elizabeth nodded, placing her hat on her head. "Exactly like that." Now fully prepared for the outdoors Elizabeth knew the conversation had to come to an end. "I am happy for you both. And if you ever need any advise you know where to find me? Or you can always write, hopefully I will regain my reading ability soon."
"We shall see you tomorrow at Netherfield, Lizzy, no need to act like this is a final goodbye," Kitty said.
Elizabeth laughed and said her final farewells, as did Mr. Darcy, Georgiana and Mrs. Annesley.
"What were you conversing about so intently with your sisters?" Mr. Darcy asked her as they walked towards the awaiting carriage.
"Their respective gentlemen. My mother always pressured us to marry and, more importantly, to marry well. I want to make sure my sisters marry for happiness like I did."
"Like you did," Mr. Darcy repeated her words to himself.
"Yes, like I did. A fact that I already was certain was true before this afternoon but has now been confirmed without a shadow of doubt. I refused to agree to never marry you, even whilst I thought you would never ask for my hand again. And I remember how I felt when I made that decision." Mr. Darcy helped her into the carriage, then Georgiana and Mrs. Annesley, and finally climbed in himself. As he sit down beside her Elizabeth knew she could not carry their previous conversation on for the moment. She wanted to tell him. The words were bubbling within her. But no moment felt like the right moment.
"I am sorry I made a fool of myself earlier, brother." Georgiana did not look at her brother as she said the words.
"You did not make a fool of yourself, Georgiana. In fact I was exceptionally proud of you."
"You were?"
"You played for an audience outside our family. And you handled a conversation with a new acquaintance with grace. That is better than I usually manage." Mr. Darcy scoffed at himself.
"Yes," Elizabeth agreed. "Mr. Howden seemed to be enjoying your conversation."
"He was nice. He had lots of interesting thoughts on the different composers." Elizabeth did not miss the slight blotches of red on her sister's cheeks or the slight upturn of her mouth. Judging by the dark expression on Mr. Darcy's face neither did he. She really did need to speak with him about that.
"Perhaps we shall see him again before we leave. Or you never know, he may be in Town during the season next year."
"Yes, the season, about that, I've been thinking maybe I should not come out next season." The words tumbled out so quick they were like one long word.
"Not have a season? Why ever not? You'll be eighteen." His sister's words appear to have genuinely shocked Mr. Darcy.
"All the balls. The new acquaintances. Trying to figure out what all their intentions are. I am not sure I will be able to cope."
Elizabeth felt the need to speak up. "You will not know until you try, Georgiana. You did wonderfully today, like your brother said." She turned to her husband. "Perhaps this season we should host a few balls at Pemberley. Just small local ones but if we invite Georgiana it gives her any experience of attending them before she is to go to Town next summer."
Mr. Darcy thought for a few moments, and Elizabeth knew his hatred of large social gatherings was warring with his desire to do right by his sister. "It's a wonderful idea, my dear Elizabeth."
"Looks like we will be practising our dancing when we return to Pemberley, Miss. Darcy," Mrs. Annesley said with smile.
"Yes," Georgiana agreed with a delighted giggle. "It does."
The carriage pulled up outside Netherfield. Once inside everyone drifted off to their own rooms to dress for dinner, except Mr. Darcy who announced he had to quickly reply to some urgent correspondence. Elizabeth recognised that for the lie it was, he was giving her a chance to get changed in their joint room without his presence. As the maid helped her dress Elizabeth thought about the previous night. The awkward stilted atmosphere. How neither of them had known what to say or how to act. Would telling him the truth about her re-discovery of her love for him help with that? How should she tell him? Would it be too strange to say it in this room tonight, when the two of them were sharing a bed? Elizabeth sighed with frustration, earning her an intrigued glance from the maid helping her. She needed Jane's advise and she doubted she would have a chance to speak with her alone tonight.
She was right. Jane and Mr. Bingley both excused themselves early after dinner, citing exhaustion as Thomas had been awake all night and they had been determined to be there with him, despite the nanny's presence. So it was that Elizabeth found herself once more alone in a bedroom with Mr. Darcy and no idea what to say or what she wanted to happen. They settled once again on awkward muttered good nights and a blowing out of the candles. Elizabeth laid there awhile, unable to sleep, listening to the quiet sound of Mr. Darcy's breathing beside her as she tried to decide what she to do, until finally she, too, fell asleep.
Elizabeth was awoken in the middle of the night by her husband's frantic tossing and turning in his sleep, alongside his harried mutters.
"No! No! No!" he muttered to himself, and there was a desperation in his pleas that terrified her. She shook his shoulder, calling his name, to try to wake him up from whatever plagued him. Finally with a gasp he shot up in the bed, panting from exhaustion. She turned away to lit a candle and when she turned back to him she could see how his face gleamed with sweat from his exertions. He look startled. Terrified.
"Mr. Darcy?" she said cautiously, watching him nervously. What had he seen in his dreams to upset him so?
"Elizabeth? Oh thank the good lord, my dear Elizabeth!" He pulled her to him, hugging her close, before sealing her lips with his own. A desperate frantic kiss. There was none of the restraint she had felt from him previously. He did not hold back, even to begin with. Overwhelmed, she pulled away, startled by his behaviour. He did not seem to notice, only pulled her to him again in a tight hug. She hugged him back, pulling him closer to her. She did not know what had terrified him so, but she could tell he had need of her comfort. She could feel his chest moving below hers, the frantic beating of his heart. "A dream," he murmured into her hair. "Nothing more than a dream."
"Mr. Darcy," she whispered, still holding him close. "What did you see?"
"It matters not. You are here now." He kissed her again, just as desperate, just as passionate and this time Elizabeth did not pull away. Only when his hands reached for the edging of her nightdress did she freeze, in two minds. One side of her wished to continue, to learn the mysteries of the martial bed she had once known. To see if it felt as delightful as kissing. If it would satisfy this growing yearning for him. But much as she was tempted to try to stop thinking, to lose herself in these new sensations, some rational side of her brain would not be quieted. Did she want her first time - the first time she could remember at least - to happen like this, as a reaction to whatever had so terrified him during the night?
Mr. Darcy noticed her hesitation and pulled away from her, moving away from her back to his own side of the bed. Lying down again he said to her, "Sorry, my dear. I should have known better than that. To wake you in the middle of the night and then make demands on you when you are half-asleep still, you must think you are married to quite the horn dog." He gave a self-depreciating chuckle. Elizabeth simply stared, unsure what reply to make to such a comment. She felt he expected some form of tease or joke as a retort, but she was still trying to make sense of his words. So casually spoken, when he must know how important it would be, what a big step it would be for them, if she were to truly share his bed once more, and not just to sleep.
"Mr. Darcy, I don't understand," she admitted. He sat up again, looking at her confused. But then he turned from her, studying the room around him as his expression became even more befuddled.
"This isn't your room at Pemberley." He turned to look at her, questioning. His comment only served to worry Elizabeth further.
"No, sir," she replied, shaking her head. She continued to watch him, he looked like he was thinking the matter through, and drawing a conclusion he did not like. "This is our guest room at Netherfield. We came to visit Jane and Mr. Bingley and their son" She said the words slowly, she did not mean to patronise him, only that she did not understand how he was suddenly unaware of this.
"It was not a dream," he whispered, he still look startled by the whole situation.
"What did you think you'd dreamt, Mr. Darcy?"
"I dreamt that you had fallen, and lost all your memories of me. Then when you woke me, and I saw you were there beside me, I told myself it was just a dream. You were beside me, and that in my mind was proof enough that it had all been nothing but a nightmare. But it was not just a dream, was it?" Elizabeth shook her head. "My gods! Forgive me, Elizabeth. I thought you were the Elizabeth who was used to my attentions."
"There is nothing to forgive, Mr. Darcy. And your attentions were not unwelcome, I was just startled by the suddenness of them."
"They weren't unwelcome?" Mr. Darcy whispered.
"No, they weren't." Elizabeth felt the heat rush to her cheeks, dropped her eyes to study the blanket at the sudden intensity of his gaze. But no, that would never do. She was not afraid. Pulling her gaze back to his, she stared into those blazing blue eyes for a few moments, and then she leaned forward and pulled him to her.