Oh my gosh. I am so sorry that this is so late! I'm so sorry. Ugh.

Oh, but a VERYYY happy (belated) birthday to James Maslow! I LOVE YOU. EVEN THOUGH I AM SO MEAN TO YOU IN MY STORIES. BUT I ONLY DO IT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

P.S. THANKS CAITEE FOR HELPING ME WITH THIS TITLE.

WARNING: This chapter is extremely sad. Just sayin'.

Kendall sat straight up; any trace of sleep was immediately washed away. "What do you mean James is… gone?"

Logan put his head in his hands and massaged his face. "I thought James was sleeping in his bed with me, but then thunder woke me up and I saw that he was just… not there."

"Are you sure he's just not in the bathroom or something?" Kendall asked, begging that the answer would be what he needed to hear. "I mean, where would he go?"

Logan sighed. "I check everywhere in the apartment. I can guarantee you that James is not here."

Carlos took a deep breath, thinking back to his conversation with Kendall earlier that day. He didn't know what to think. He didn't want to give up on James, he didn't want to lose him, but he didn't know if he was strong enough to deal with this. He took another breath. "Then let's go look for him."

Kendall resisted the urge to start pulling at his hair. "But where are we supposed to look? He could be anywhere. We don't even know why he left in the first place."

Logan rolled his eyes. "Why do you think, Kendall?"

Kendall sighed. "That's what I'm hoping it's not."

Not knowing what to do, James just sat there by the tree in the pouring rain still sobbing his eyes out. He hated what had become of him. If he had one wish, it would be to go back in time, back to the day that he first took the pills and stop himself. But until someone finally perfected the time machine, that wouldn't be an option any time soon. Everything was incredibly screwed up and nothing would ever be the same again. He felt incredibly alone, but he also felt like he deserved to be alone. The farther away from his friends he was, the less he would be able to hurt them.

He knew what he should do. He knew he should get up and back into the apartment before his friends woke up and freaked. But he just couldn't bring himself to get up. And as he looked up into the sky and saw the rain falling down, James wondered if all of this was worth it.

He wanted to know when it was going to get better. He wanted to know when the pain would stop. He was tired of everything. He was tired of living like this, feeling like a huge hole had been punched through his chest. He was tired of his head telling him how worthless he was and that people would like him better when he was gone. Maybe his thoughts were right.

And that's when James realized that just because you're breathing; it doesn't mean you're alive.

"He probably cut through the park," Logan said, grabbing everybody's jackets from the closet. "We should go that way."

"Do you think we're too late?" Carlos said, still clinging to the hope that this whole thing was just a nightmare, and he would just wake up and this whole thing would be over.

"Let's not think about that," Kendall said as he took his jacket from Logan's hand. "Let's just go. Maybe we can stop him."

Without any other words being said, the three boys took off, deciding that the stairs would be faster and taking them. Ignoring how the lobby was eerily quiet and empty, they ran into the park, screaming James' name for all they were worth.

It was Kendall who saw James sitting underneath the tree.

Calling for Logan and Carlos, Kendall took off for the tree, only coming to a stop when he was a few feet away from James. Despite the distance and the loudness of the downpour, Kendall could hear James sobbing. Dropping to his knees and hearing Logan and Carlos doing the same behind him, Kendall put his hand on James' shoulder, slightly shaking him.

It was like James didn't even know he was there.

"James?" Kendall croaked out, sounding like he was about to cry himself. "James, please look at me. Talk to me. Please, do anything."

James quieted his sobs and looked up at Kendall, even though tears were still streaming down his face. A second later, he shook his head and looked away, his sobs starting to escalate again.

It was Logan who decided to ask the question that was clouding all of their minds. "James, listen to me." James looked up at Logan. "Tell me the truth. Did you go to the pharmacy?" James shook his head and a sigh of relief could be heard the three other boys. "Then what happened?"

James looked back down, deciding whether or not he should talk to them. Thankfully, his friends didn't press him. After five minutes of pure silence, with the only sound was the rain hitting the ground, James sighed and looked back up.

"After Logan f-fell asleep, I was lying there and I was started having these… th-thoughts. And I just wanted them to g-go away-y. And the only way I knew how was with the p-pills. Then I realized that you guys g-got rid of them all. But I needed them. So I was going to s-sneak out and go get some, but I h-heard Kendall and Carlos talking through the door." Kendall and Carlos' hearts both dropped. "So I-I just kind of… stopped. And I just sat by the door till it g-got dark. Then I was going to g-get more pills and I was coming to g-get them, but I realized what might happen if I did."

James looked at Carlos when he said this, like he was pleading with Carlos not to go. "So I s-stopped again. Then I got really angry and frustrated and I felt like the ground was trying to swallow me. And I just wanted it to go away and I might have taken it out on the tree."

James held up his hands for his friends to see and they all gasped. His hands were completely ripped up, bleeding with pieces of tree bark in the cuts. But they still said nothing. "And… and I got sad and I got these even worse thoughts and I just down and I couldn't help it. I started crying."

Kendall sat back, just staring at James. "I am so proud of you, James."

James just looked confused. "Why?" he sobbed. "Don't you see what a screw up I am?"

"You stopped yourself, James," Logan cut in. "You kept yourself from those pills even with your body screaming for them. Don't you see how strong you are?"

"But I'm not! I just s-screw everything up for you g-guys! You would all be better off without me!" James screamed.

Carlos held back his sob. "What were these bad thoughts, James?" Carlos whispered.

But James couldn't hear him over the rain. "W-What?"

"What were these thoughts, James?" Carlos yelled, the sobs escaping from his throat. "Tell me!"

James couldn't even talk though his sobs. Kendall and Logan tried to comfort him, while Carlos stayed back, waiting for his answer.

Realization dawned on Logan, making him almost throw up. "James? Please tell me that you didn't think of that. Please."

Finally, James spoke up. "Sometimes I think it would be easier if I was just dead. Then no one would have to care and I wouldn't have to hurt you or me or anyone anymore. I just don't know if any of this is worth it. Because from where I'm sitting, it doesn't look so good."

Kendall, Carlos, and Logan felt like they couldn't breathe. Their very best friend in the world, their brother, just told him that dying would be better than living like this. They had no idea what to do.

"I'm sorry," James sobbed, his words muffled because his head was in his hands. "I'm just waiting for you all to see how horrible I am. Because then you'll all leave."

"James, we will never leave you," Kendall said, tears freely flowing down his cheeks. "But please, just please, don't leave us. Please."

Carlos spoke up for the first time in a while. "James, I know that you heard that I was giving up on you, but I promise it's not true. Not at all. I won't leave you. I could never leave you."

James smiled a sad, small smile. "That's the thing, Carlos. Everybody leaves in the end."

Ok, I know you all are probably thinking that I have no heart. But I almost cried while I was writing this. No joke.

Again, happy birthday James. And sorry for this chapter. I know I'm being mean to you.

I'll try super hard to get the next chapter out faster than this one! And I'll try to make it longer. And better. And maybe even a little happier. Because I feel worn out from all this angst. OVERLOAD.

Reviews, anyone?