Chapter 14

When I finally woke up Monday, it was almost noon. I took my time getting out of bed and wandering down to the bathroom. I'd heard the dogs barking earlier and knew Clint had gone downstairs to check it out. I wasn't concerned that he hadn't come back inside. I figured that he most likely had decided to hang out in the pasture and enjoy the outdoors.

I took a quick shower and got cleaned up. The only things I had planned for the day were laundry and unpacking. I hope to get in a good ride on one of the horses so I pulled my hair back in a ponytail and threw on some shorts and a T-shirt.

Once I got the first load of laundry started, I decided to track Clint down and see what he had planned for the day. As I came out of the front door, I noticed Clint's Honda sitting in the driveway. I was puzzled about how it had gotten to the house. Just as I let go of the screen door, I saw the absolutely gorgeous redheaded bombshell that was kissing Clint. It didn't appear to me that he was fighting her off really hard either.

A number of thoughts crossed my mind. The first one was sheer jealousy. I quickly suppressed that as unfair. My next thought was dismay over my grungy outfit and messy hair. I realize that the curvaceous beauty was Natasha and I'd forgotten completely about her coming to visit. I started to head back towards the house in hopes to at least get better dressed and put on some makeup before I officially met Nat. Unfortunately, the door hitting the jam alerted Clint and Natasha to my presence. They broke apart to look at me. Nat had a small smile and look in her eyes that made me think she had planned what I just saw. Clint looked a bit guilty but I noticed that was quickly replaced it with a slightly defiant look

I pasted a perfect smile on my face and continued walking towards them. I gathered all the southern charm my mother had taught me and said brightly, "You must be Natasha. I am so sorry. I completely forgot you were supposed to be here today. You look so lovely."

Natasha pulled away from Clint and held out her hand. Her hand shake was firm and her voice hard as she said, "Thank you. I rode Clint's bike so he would have it to use if he needed."

I felt a bit like she'd slapped me in the face. What was she trying to tell me? Was she saying that Clint was going to need his other bike? This is the bike that I couldn't, wouldn't, ride on with him. I could hear the tension in my voice and had to fight my desire to let my anger and defensiveness show. "You must be exhausted and need a shower. Let me show you where the shower is inside. That way you can get cleaned up while I get the water heater in the trailer going so that you can use it."

Natasha shrugged and said, "Sounds good." She is very speculative look on her face as she turned to grab a couple of bags off the ground. I headed over to the house and showed her the bathroom before heading to the trailer. I felt like I'd just been in a battle and I didn't know if I'd won.

Clint had a trailed behind us until Nat went into the bathroom. He continued to follow me until I got to the trailer. When I went inside to turn on the air conditioner, he came up and wrapped his arms around my waist. He asked, "You okay?"

"I'm fine," I replied. I knew that I wasn't really fine, but I also knew that the issues I was having were not something he needed to deal with.

"Are you sure?" He questioned.

"Yes, I'm sure." I insisted. "You should probably go back in the house and make sure Nat knows where everything is. I'll be right behind you. I just need to light pilot in the water heater."

Clint looked suspicious. I could tell that he wanted to say something but instead he just nodded and headed to the house.

As soon as he left, I sat down at the table in the trailer and put my head in my hands. I hadn't expected to have the feelings I was having. I was feeling insanely jealous, majorly insecure, and increasingly angry. The jealousy was totally uncalled for, understandable considering how attractive Clint is and the history between him and Nat, but unacceptable nonetheless. I only had to look in the mirror to know why I felt insecure. Ordinarily my looks were something I was proud of, but when compared to Nat's beautiful red locks, gorgeous face and trim body I fell short. It didn't help the Nat was probably 20 years younger than me and looked fresh despite having written a motorcycle 12+ hours.

The anger was a familiar anger now that I examined it. It was also one that I had thought I had conquered. This was anger at a change in circumstances and was totally unreasonable. I had always had some issues when things didn't go exactly my way. When I couldn't predict or control things, I would get grumpy and snap at people but since Paul had died I had gotten worse. It was irrational, but a part of me felt I should have been able to prevent Paul's death. I knew that his death had been an accident and nothing I could have controlled especially since the prison he'd been working at had been several hundred miles from home.

In my mind, I knew that I couldn't control everything and that I needed to let go and not be so upset. My heart told me that I was losing somebody else I loved. My heart whispered that another person I loved was going to go away and never come back. It wasn't logical and it certainly wasn't right, but it was my heart. I sat there for a few minutes with my head in my hands, going through the ritual that I'd created after Paul had passed. I told myself that all I could control was myself, only I could be was myself, and all I could change was myself. After what felt like a million repetitions, I had a small sense of calm.

I took a deep breath and went to the house intending to be the southern gentlewoman my mother had always taught me to be. As I walked into the house and reached out to pull open the backdoor, I saw Nat and Clint sitting at the kitchen bar. I heard Clint say, "There is not a woman alive that I'd choose over you. You'll always be my best friend and nothing can change that."

I stood there for a moment and felt stunned. I had never really believed that you could actually feel your heart break but at that moment I swear I did. Followed by this was a wave of fear, anger, and jealousy, I'd lost my best friend. Paul had died and now I'd found somebody that I thought I could love and possibly have a relationship with. I'd begun to hope and had found he already had somebody. The feelings were so overwhelming that I didn't know what to do. I stepped back from the door and in a daze walked towards the stalls. My "safe place" had always been on horseback so I did what I always did when I was hurt or upset. I went to my horses. I was grooming Magic and getting him ready to ride when Clint walked up. He was obviously showing Nat around the place. I wanted to scream and yell and rant at the both of them. However, I knew it wasn't appropriate so as usual I simply smiled. I said, "I saw you guys talking and didn't want to disturb you. I really need to ride today. I'll be back later." I quickly turned back to Magic so Clint couldn't see how upset I was. I could see out of the corner of my eye that Clint was rather upset but I just couldn't stand to stay there and see them together for one more moment.

"Couldn't it wait?" he asked. "Nat has traveled a long way to meet you. I liked you guys to hang out and get to know each other.

Clint sounded pissed but I just couldn't stay around right then. I needed to get away. I needed to think. I took a deep breath and stiffened my spine. I said to Clint, "I need to ride right now. Please understand. I will be back."

I couldn't see Nat but I heard her say, "Raven, take your time and have a good ride. We'll be here when you get back."

I felt a rush of relief as at her encouragement for me to relax and go. Maybe things would work out. I kept grooming and grooming until finally I heard the backdoor shut. At that point I wound my arms around Magic's neck. I just rested my head against his neck and tried to control the tears running down my face. After a few minutes, the tears slowed and I was able to finish getting ready to ride.

I had decided to ride my side saddle this time. I was a style I enjoyed, but more importantly was a challenge I needed right now. This was a style that made me work hard and it was what I needed to let go. I knew with a little bit of hard work and a little bit of focus on something other than the emotional turmoil I was going through. Things would line up and I would come back quieter and more controlled. Once I had gotten Magic saddled up, I led him out to the mounting block and got on. I'm always careful to warm up my horses well and this was no exception. Once Magic was warmed up, we rode hard and fast. By the time I was ready to go home, we were both hot and sweaty but I felt much calmer and under control.

As I headed back to the house, I decided that it didn't matter that Clint was going to choose Natasha over me every time. All that mattered was that he was here now. Since Natasha was here, I would have to adapt. I decided that my job was to take care of Clint and it didn't matter what that entailed but I would do it.

As I led Magic into the garage and put him in his stall, my mind was calm. I was still hurting, but I was thinking about all the wonderful times that Clint and I had just recently experienced. I knew that we could make it work. I also knew that the future was unclear and that I could deal with it.

I was unsaddling Magic when Clint came up. "Did you have a good ride?"

I knew Clint was probably pissed off at me for how I had behaved. I wanted him to know that everything was okay and maybe a little bit about why I had done what I did. I also didn't want him to worry so I said, "Yes, I needed to get away. I had to get away before I did or said something I regret. I'm sorry I was rude to Natasha. I will apologize to her as soon as I can. It bothered me a lot more than I expected to see you kissing her. I knew you were close and had a relationship, but I guess it didn't seem real. I'm sorry I put you in that position last week. You handled that much better than I did."

I turned slowly towards him. I don't know exactly what I was expecting but I was pleased when Clint said, "It's okay. I probably should have prepared you a bit better but it has been a long time since Nat and I would like that. I wasn't expecting that kiss. She's my closest friend."

The "closest friend" comment kind of hurt me but I knew that he was telling me the truth. We hadn't been together long enough for Clint to consider me his closest friend. I was a new relationship. I also knew what he said about not putting anybody in front of Nat was the truth. I shrugged and said I know that she is your best friend and I'll never put you in a position to choose between the two of us. I have a feeling that I would not like the result. I guess that I can't expect to be the most important person in your life. I had that with Paul. Once in a lifetime is probably all you get for that. I'm trying to just be happy that you love me enough to come around when you can." My mind knew what I was saying was true. My heart wasn't exactly happy about it. I figured it would take me a little bit longer for my mind to convince my heart that I was right but that's how it always goes.

Clint's response was quite classic and I have to admit pretty funny. He said, "You do have a great place and the sex is amazing. So I figure it's not a hardship to come hang out."

I was actually feeling somewhat amused when Clint said, "Nat is headed to the hot tub and I am planning to join her. I know it's early, but Nat's getting glass of wine and I'm making a drink for myself. You're welcome to join us."

I don't know if I took it the wrong way, but I felt as if he just invited me to spend time in my own home I know that sounds weird but I felt dismissed. I turned back to Magic and worked at getting him put away. I knew that Clint was still standing there waiting for my reply so I choked out, "I'll probably join you for a bit, but I really need to get some things done around the place so I won't be drinking. Why don't you go on in? I'll be there in a minute."

I was somewhat stunned by the abruptness of him leaving. Emotionally I was still very fragile from earlier, I'm sure I took things way too hard. I gathered my composure for what seemed like the hundredth time that day. I finished doing my little bit of chores and then I went in to get my swimsuit on. Ordinarily, I'd probably have put on my best bikini, but with such a beautiful woman already in the hot tub, I really didn't want comparisons. I didn't really want to show my little pouchy belly or the extra fat around my waist. I picked up one of the one- piece suits that I kept for those days when I just wasn't feeling my best. I put it on and I headed out to the hot tub. As I climbed in the tub, I made sure to tell Natasha, "I am so sorry that I was rude earlier. I hope that we can make you feel welcome here for the small amount of time you are here. I'm thrilled to meet such an amazing person and great friend of Clint's."

Nat's response was short to the point, "Thank you and it's okay." She immediately went right back to the conversation that she was having with Clint.

I sat and listened to them talking and reminiscing. The stories were quite fascinating. Half of the things they were talking about I had no earthly idea what they were. I didn't have the military background they did and I just didn't understand the jargon. I noticed that I was getting hungry and I figured that the two of them were also, even if they were too busy talking. I slipped out of the hot tub and went in the house. I'm not much of a cook, but I fixed a lunch I knew Clint would like and found one of his favorite shows on the TV. I went out and let Nat and Clint know that the food was served. We all sat at the bar and talked. Well, I should say they talked and I just listened as we finished eating. Nat and Clint went upstairs to watch more of the shows. I'd started recording them when Clint told me he liked them.

I'd put off my chores as long as I could so I went and got them done. It took awhile and when I back upstairs I saw that Clint and Natasha were fully engrossed in a movie. It really wasn't a type of movie that I enjoyed and I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I leaned over close to Clint and said quietly, "I'm really pretty tired so I'm going to lay down. I hope you don't mind."

Clint kind of mumbled, "Ok, sure."

I headed to bed, and it didn't take long for me to fall asleep. Oddly enough, I was awake bright and early the next day. I felt a burst of positivity and decided to fix breakfast for all of us. The smell of cooking food must have woken Clint up because I was just finishing up when he came down the stairs. I was just about to suggest some plans for the day when Clint informed me of what He and Nat had planned. My participation did not seem necessary or even expected in any of the plans so I simply kept my mouth shut and did my own thing. I made sure that Clint and Nat were fed and taken care of, but I made sure to stay away otherwise.

A tight feeling of resentment and disorientation settled in my gut. I kept trying to convince myself to let it go, but it just seemed to grow. The feeling was cemented when, without consulting me, Clint took Nat for a horseback ride. It probably sounds petty and selfish, but the horses are my domain. My husband would never have let anyone near them without my permission. He understood how precious the horses were to me and how picky I was with who I allowed to ride them. In a small way, I was happy that Clint felt at home enough to do things without my express permission, but a larger part was extremely hurt that he would use my babies without asking. The really silly thing about the whole situation was that if he had asked, I would have not only said yes, but helped them get ready.

Things had almost reached a boiling point when Clint and Nat were summoned back to New York. I knew I should confront Clint and express my feelings, but I've never been much for picking a fight. I thought that maybe I should take some time and think carefully before I said anything that I may regret. I also knew that I had a notoriously hard time holding a grudge or even remembering what made me mad. I decided that the best thing for me would be to let things stay where they were. I thought that I would be able to process and recover from all the emotions of the last couple weeks and come to accept the life I seemed to be living now. Once I had time to think, I knew I could be happy. Or so I told myself. My confidence in my ability to adapt or even my desire to adapt was shaken when Clint and Natasha rode out of the driveway. Clint was on the bike he'd said would be staying with me as a symbol of his commitment to us.

I was in the house attempting to clean my mind into submission when Clint called to tell me, "Hey, Babe. I just wanted to tell you that I love you and should be back in 2 weeks. I'm going to have the Harley shipped to you when I get to New York. I'll fly back and forth from now on."

I felt a rush of relief and a settling in my stomach, "That's great, handsome." I said, "I'll take good care of it. Don't rush back. I don't want you to get hurt because of me. I love you too."

We chatted about future plans, but didn't actually make any. Clint soon hung up to continue his trip back to New York. I was able to put my resentment and pain aside for awhile as I waited for Clint's bike to arrive. When the days passed and it never arrived, when 2 weeks passed and Clint didn't come back, the feelings began to come back.