A/N: Dear lord, my update rate is just horrible. I promise I'll try to update more often! I was sick for over a month, so I had a really hard time writing then (when your head is filled with snot, it's really hard to think of a proper storyline). But now I'm able to write again! And soon it's vacation time, so hopefully I'll even have more time to write! ^^ I have to thank all the readers and reviewers – thank you for putting up with my slow update-rate.

Warnings: Cursing, a bit of fluff...

Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to the anime/manga.

Word count: 3,544

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Chapter 14: Tears

After making the good decision of saving money for some pajamas, I rose from the bed and tried to find some clothes. It was rather hard, because my mind was too occupied with other things. Mostly Zabuza, Taizo and Kakashi. Kakashi had killed Haku. But Zabuza had said he was a good guy. Taizo was after me. Taizo probably had Ran.

I realised I was trying to put my legs in the same trouser leg.

When I finally had dressed, I had made up my mind too. I was going to trust Kakashi like I had trusted Gai. He's a good guy, I reminded myself. Zabuza said so himself. They probably had a good reason to fight. In the end, Zabuza had been a missing-nin. Kakashi and Lee had seen me naked. Lee had a nose bleed. They saw all.

I shook my head. Concentrate, for fuck's sake!

I took a deep breath. I needed to have all my wits with me now. I needed to organize. I needed to face Kakashi and Lee with all the dignity I had left.

Was this God's punishment for me visiting heaven unauthorised? I actually grinned to myself. God had a twisted sense of humour.

I took a deep breath again with my hand on the doorhandle. I was going to make this. I wasn't going to blush. I would survive as a winner in this situation. I opened the door.

Lee was sitting on my couch and jumped up when he saw me. He looked frantic.

"I'm so sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, Lady Akako, I will swear with my life that I won't tell anybody!" he prattled. "I didn't mean to and I tried to stop him, I really did, please don't kill me!" Then he dropped from the couch and went to his knees. "I beg you, forgive me! I won't tell anybody!"

I saw Kakashi raise his eyebrow from the kitchen table. He had helped himself and made tea. I realised he had another cup opposite of him. So he had poured some for me too? That was nice of him. Perhaps I wasn't going to punch him after all.

I turned my attention back to Lee, who was still begging for forgiveness. I sighed. Oh God, why me?

"Lee, calm down. I'm not angry. Or at least not yet, but if you are going to continue doing that, I'm going to be. So please, just stop." I held a pause and frowned. "Wait, you are not going to tell what?"

"That you have really small breasts!" Lee blurted out, before he could realise it would be better to stay silent. My brow twitched.

"Get out", I growled. Lee was too afraid to contradict and left with a super human speed. I scowled at Kakashi before he managed to chuckle. For a moment there was an awkward silence, but luckily it was him, who decide to break it. I was too... I don't even know what I was. Ashamed, angry, tired, puzzled. And on top of all that I was, to my amazement, happy to see him. I tried to convince myself that it all was friendly happiness, but I failed miserably.

"It's nice to see that some thing never change", Kakashi said with a humorous twinkle in his eye. I raised my eyebrows while I took the seat opposite of him.

"If you mean my breasts and their size, please leave immediately", I answered dryly.

"Actually I meant your attitude, but if you want to keep the topic on your breasts, I'm not going to stop you", was his counter. I could almost see the amused grin under his mask. I snorted. Perhaps it was just time to get to the point. I needed to tell him I knew about Zabuza and Haku. And again he was the first one to open his mouth.

"I came here to apologize", he stated while looking straight at me. And that really caught me off-guard. For a moment I was speechless, which is quite rare for me. And I had a feeling that I knew what he was going to apologize for.

"I understand you were very close to Momochi Zabuza in your childhood?" Yep. I had guessed right. Ten points for me! I didn't have any idea when Zabuza had discussed with Kakashi about me, but it seemed that my name had popped up somewhere between the fight. Otherwise Kakashi wouldn't be here apologizing to me. So I nodded to him. I think I saw him biting his lip under the mask. He was pondering his words. It struck me then – he was nervous!

I hit myself mentally. Of course he was. He was a partial reason to Zabuza's, my ex-best friend's death. Would I be nervous if I had to apologize something like that? Hell yeah.

"You won't be seeing Zabuza again. He told me that he was sorry because of this, and the reason I need to apologize to you is because you can probably blame me for his death. I wasn't the one to give the final blow though, but I certainly did my best disabling him." His voice was unbelievably steady and his gaze was firm when he looked at me. "I did it to protect my team and the village we were in. I had no personal grudge against him and I certainly didn't know he had some connections to you. I'm sorry for the way things turned out to be, but if I were in that situation again – I'd probably make the same choises. I know it might be a lot for you to take, but he is dead." I blinked. His every word was carefully said, but I could still feel the determination behind them. He had done what he thought was right. And there was no way I could possibly blame him for Zabuza's death. If Kakashi hadn't fought, it'd be him in heaven right now, not Zabuza. Well, perhaps not in heaven.

"I..." I held a pause, because I was afraid that my voice was gonna break down. "I know he is dead. I knew before you told me." Now it was his turn to raise an eyebrow. Oh, he was so going to think that I was a crazy person. 'I saw Zabuza in heaven and he was happy!' Oh God, it sounded fucking retarted even in my head.

"You did?" His tone was a bit suspicious and his body language told me that he was alert. The look on his face started to bug me. And I don't know if it was the mental stress or the fact I hadn't had a good night's sleep in a very long time, but something in my head just snapped.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, I'm not crazy", I blurted out. "I don't know myself how the fuck it was possible, but somehow the guy abducted me to Heaven itself and told me it. And fuck yeah I know I sound like a total lunatic, but that's how it happened and if you don't like it – then don't believe me. Haku even gave me a frozen lily! I still have it!" Kakashi blinked. Slowly. Like he had a hard time comprehending what I had just said. Well, I guess it was kinda hard to understand that I really could visit heaven and meet dead Zabuza.

Now that I think about it actually sounded really insane. If I hadn't got the lily to prove myself, I probably would have enrolled myself to an asylum. Really. Heaven. Zabuza. Telling me his was dead. I could almost feel the madness in the back of my brain.

"Alright then", he muttered slowly. "Now that's something... quite unusual." He lifted his hands up when I glared at him. "I do believe you, I do! But do you believe me when I sincerely say that I'm sorry?" There was only one word to describe the look on his eye. It was the 'puppy'-look.

"Zabuza himself said not to blame you. And I guess I don't." I shrugged. I really didn't know what I was feeling. And I probably would've liked more the state where I could've felt nothing. It's easier to think rationally when there isn't emotions to distract you. "So yes. I do believe you and I forgive you. Even though I don't believe there's point in forgiving, because I haven't blamed you at all. And I actually believe that Zabuza and Haku are happy now. Wherever they are. I'm not sure if that place was heaven. But something quite similar."

"You seem to be the center of many strange events", Kakashi stated and took a sip of his tea. It was a hint. A clear hint. He wanted to know what had happened while he had been away. Had he talked to Gai before seeing me?

"Are you suggesting that there could be something that I should tell you?" I was going to make this hard for him. I had to put up with Lee and Neji for over a week because of their mission. I needed to let my fuels out or otherwise I would lose my sanity and really enroll into an asylum. Kakashi just happened to be the perfect victim. He just knew how to bring the best out of me. He really had talent doing it. And I had a feeling he somehow enjoyed irritating me and making me yell at him. Masochist.

Kakashi sighed at me and looked at the ceiling. For a while he just rocked with the chair, casually leaning back. That made me even more irritated. Didn't anything annoy this man? Wasn't there really any way for him to get mad at me? I wanted to have a good fight! Nobody wanted to argue with me. Neji just ignored me, Lee started begging for his life and Tenten was too sweet to argue with. I even tried arguing with Gai once. Believe – not worth trying. I was one of those persons who needed to argue or otherwise the tension would just build up and someday – kaboom – I'd explode. And I was really close to explosion now.

"I talked to Gai", Kakashi started. "He told me about the suicidal ninjas. He also told me of your daughter." I stared at him. The anger was really building up inside me. Gai had told him everything? Didn't he know that my business was my own and if I wanted to share it with someone, it would at least be polite to ask me first before sharing my lifestory! I hated ninjas. Nothing was too personal for them.

"Yep, there's been lots of happenings lately", I muttered while staring at the table. I had forgotten to drink my tea and quite frankly – I didn't want to drink it anymore. Was it too much to ask for a normal life? With genuine memories? And without my friends dying, memories vanishing, suicidal ninja attacking, having a ghost daughter appearing?

"Are you alright?" I heard Kakashi asking me. I was torn. On the other hand I wanted to tell him I wasn't and I was tired of all this shit and on the other hand I wanted to scream, yell and hit him in the hopes of making myself feel a bit better.

"No", I decided to answer. "My daughter is dead, because most likely I killed her myself. My friend is dead and apparently he loved me since he kissed me twice." I held a pause. Taizo. How the fuck had I forgotten him? "Then there is this guy who had an obsession towards me when I was only a little girl. And it seems that he has put a control seal over me. And then there is this other seal and I have no idea who the fuck put that on me, but it seems it overruns the control one. And I'm so fucking confused that I don't even remember everything that has happened not to mention the fact I can't think properly! I have these freaky nightmares where I slaughter people and actually enjoy doing it. And I don't recognize that person to be me. I... I don't know who I am and that makes me so fucking mad I just want to go around punching people! I – hate – this – shit." I had no idea when I had risen from the chair, but there I was standing, punching the table with my every word. I was panting. I was so fucking angry. I noticed Kakashi had taken the tea cup away from my reach, probably because I looked like I was going to throw things at the wall. Or at him.

"Calm down", he just said. "You are not rational when you are angry." That just added fuel to my rage. Not being rational? Well, how the hell was I supposed to be rational?! Nothing was rational about my life! I put my best 'shut-up-if-you-know-what's-best-for-you'-smile on my face.

"How can I possibly be rational, when anything that has happened isn't rational? What rational is in suicidal ninjas or ghost daughter? Please, enlighten me, because I really have no idea."

"I don't want you to ram your fist against a wall again", was his answer. Then he sighed and before I even blinked he was next to me, holding tightly my shoulders. God, he was fast when he wanted to. "Calm down, please. Is that too much to ask for? I can't make the big picture out of your explanation if you are talking so fast, not to mention when you look like you are going to put a fist in my face. And I really don't know what I've done to deserve a fist in my face. Take a deep breath and start from the scratch."

I stared at him, still panting. I didn't want to calm down, I wanted to yell. But his look and tone was so serious I decided to inhale deeply and let it out slowly. And it actually made me feel a bit better.

"Good. Now ready to tell me? You don't have to if you don't want to, but like in missions, I want to know as much as possible, so there won't be any unfortunate surprises. Like in our last one", he added dryly. I took a deep breath again. Where would I start? Since Team 7 had left everything had went from complicated to uber-complicated. I wasn't even quite sure if I was sane.

"After you left I... I went to the place where you had found me. I didn't remember anything, but that was when I met with Zabuza. He actually almost killed me, but in the end he recognized me and told me about my life in Kirigakure. Apparently I my clan was dying because of the sick contract we had made with another clan. They had come up with a seal that would control us and our abilities. It was called the commandment seal and we cannot refuse to perform a task when they order. He also gave me my blade talons", I nodded towards the corner I had left them, "until he said he had something urgent to do. After that I saw a hellish nightmare and a hallucination, where I killed my daughter. Or it could've been a memory. How the hell could I know?" Tears started burning my eyes. Hell no, I wasn't going to cry. I bit my lip. I wasn't. "After that I contacted Gai and went to train with his team. Then the ninjas started attacking and I blacked out. After waking up Neji explained to me that I have two Chakra seals. That's when things started to get really weird. I saw my daughter's ghost when I was bathing and she told me that something was keeping her in this world, although she is dead. And I'm quite sure that I killed her and I have no idea why the hell would I kill the only thing that was precious to me in my life. After that I've seen nightmares night after night." When I finished I realised my face was filled with tears. I was crying?

The whole time I had been telling my story, Kakashi had listened with face full of concern and holding my shoulders. I don't know if he had forgotten that he had a tight grip of them or was he holding me to make sure I wouldn't fall to the ground.

"And when I saw Zabuza again", I continued, "he told me that the Commandment Seal could last to afterlife. It would be sick as hell, but how can you be sure it doesn't? And there is Taizo, who is both capable and willing to put a seal on me and to my daughter. But I don't remember him, not even how he looked like! I just remember his name and that I hated him. I have no idea how he would've found me, I ran away from Kirigakure when I was young and even faked my death. There was no reason for him to start looking for me! And he was probably the reason I killed my daughter yet I can never forgive myself." I was still crying and I was beginning to be mad at myself for doing so. But I couldn't help it. Everytime I started to think about Ran I felt broken. Like there was something vital missing. And the fact I couldn't remember her properly, not her first steps, not her first word, made me feel even worse. I was the worst mom ever.

"You are a strong woman, Akako", Kakashi said to me while wiping a tear from my eye with his thumb. "And you have people to help you and you don't even need to ask." I sniffled and tried to make my tears stop running.

"Zabuza told that you should Chidori Taizo's ass", I told him to make the atmosphere at least a bit more not-so-serious. Kakashi smiled his famous eye-smile at me.

"Well, if you want me to do it, I'll do it", he answered. I made a laugh attempt, failed at it and decided it would be best to stay silent for a while. Perhaps my period was coming and I was so emotional because of it? This day and especially this last hour had been a real roller-coasterride.

"Thanks. For everything. I know I haven't been especially a dream person, but I really appreciate the fact you are coping with me and helping me although I can give you nothing in return."

"Don't worry. Didn't I tell you I was a nice guy? And you didn't believe me." I smiled at him. He actually was. Well, beneath his bastardness. But I was starting to realise that he still had a grip of me. I think he realised it too, because he glanced at his hands and then the ceiling, like he was pondering on something. I guessed the result was 'oh, what the hell', since in the next moment I was even closer to him. He was hugging me. And quite tightly.

And that caught me really off-guard. Not that I was complaining. His shoulder was really comfortable and the fact that there was a warm body with a beating hard next to me was a welcomed turn.

"There's a shoulder you can cry on", he hinted. "You've been trough a lot and it isn't healthy to keep it all inside you."

"What if I don't feel like crying?" I muttered against him. "I'm not a crying person."

"Then why are you crying right now? And cried during your explanation?" he asked. I stayed silent. Because I was so tired of all this? I just wanted to have a normal happy life and right now it seemed like an impossible task. And I wanted to remember. I wanted to know what exactly had happened and why Ran was dead.

"How can I cry if I am already crying?" I whispered and tried to stop the flood that was trying to get past my eyes.

Kakashi touched my jaw and made me look straight at his eyes. He studied my face for a while and that gave me time to study his. He looked tired too, probably because of the mental stress and they mission they had. But he had a look in his eyes that spoke of care.

"You are holding them back. You can be weak sometimes, Akako", he said to me. "Because I'm not trying to hurt you. Let someone else be strong for a while, ok?"

"I'm afraid I won't be able to stop if I let them come", I managed to utter.

"Then there's no other choice but to stand here until the world ends", he stated while smiling.