As they say on Mars, iTgwip! Means "hello" in Martian. I could go into Martian culture and the complex development of language parallel to social structure, but I think I'll just write a meaningless author's note instead.
Fun chapter, I think. Poor Arty. His romance novels are just too addicting!
Jasmine Wanderer: Thanks for the grammar tips, I fixed the mistakes. If you see any on this chapter (hopefully not) let me know! Here's some more Mulch, hopefully just as funny.
Serendipital: Thanks for the tip. I fixed it, hopefully I got it right!
cloudseeker6729: You can see all three at once in chapter twelve if you want. Thanks for reviewing!
sliz225: Glad to help you relax. I hope you did well on your test!
ACompanyofSwans: Gosh, I love your long reviews. They make me feel so loved! It is a pretty hilarious picture, isn't it? Yep, Mulch doesn't need to say anything to be funny. He's just Mulch! I couldn't make him be… un-funny?... if I tried.
I hope you all LOVE the chap! For any of you who missed it last week, I'm going to be updating the fic once a week now. Yay!
I don't own Domovoi Butler. Oops, sorry, did I say Butler? I meant Holly. Oh, fine, I don't own Artemis Fowl.
"Stay away from me," Artemis warned, scooting to the opposite side of his bed. Mulch was on the other, grinning innocently at Artemis. The fact that Mulch was trying to look innocent, in its self, was a very good reason to get as far away from the dwarf as possible. However, Artemis had several better reasons.
"Now Artemis," Argon intoned, standing at the foot of the bed with his ever-present clipboard, "Please, be reasonable. This is only a step, but steps must be taken if you want to suppress the Actaeon personality before it takes up Orion's slack. None of us want that to happen, believe me. From what we've gleamed of Actaeon, he seems to be trying to make up for your lack of childhood… well, normal childhood experiences."
"Go on, Artemis," Holly urged, shoving Artemis closer to Mulch, "Do it. Hug him." Mulch obligingly spread his arms.
"Come on, mud whelp, I don't bite. All right, that is a complete lie. I bite a lot of things, as you already know. But, I won't bite you. Right now, at least. Do I need to go on?"
"No, Mulch, you don't. However, I really don't see-"
"Come now, Artemis," Argon said, "You didn't have a typical loving, family-friendly environment as a child, and the part of you that is Actaeon needs to be hugged. It's an important part of childhood." He looked at Holly for support.
"It's true, Arty," Holly nodded gravely, "Foaly was never hugged as a child, and look at him now."
"But why does it have to be Mulch?"
"Because, mud whelp, I happen to be here today. Also… well, I can't think of any more reasons, really. In fact, why am I volunteering to hug you? I don't want your mud man germs all over me!" He turned to Argon.
"For Frond's sake!" Holly shouted, and pushed Artemis into Mulch. It was, to say the least, the most awkward hug anyone in the room had ever witnessed. Could it be classified as a hug, even? Dr. Argon decided it could, for the sake of time.
"That was very good, Artemis. Don't you feel better now? Loved? Accepted?"
Artemis struggled away from Mulch and looked at Argon incredulously.
"Look at me!" Artemis spread his arms, "I am covered in… dirt!"
"Not just dirt, mud whelp," Mulch winked at Artemis, "I just got done tunneling, if you know what I mean." Artemis gave a little whimper-scream and tried to brush off his shirt while avoiding contact with the substance as much as possible.
"And for your information," he said furiously, "I do not feel any more loved. I felt loved enough before this ordeal!"
"Oh, come on, Artemis," Holly said, trying not to laugh, "I'm sure that inside you're feeling all warm and fuzzy. I bet that being hugged was all it took for your icy heart to be melted and for your true loving, caring, cuddly personality to shine through!"
There was a dead silence as everyone in the room stared at Holly. And then Artemis asked:
"Beastly Beauty?"
Holly nodded happily.
"Holly. You have a problem. The first step is to admit it."
"Artemis, you wrote the books in the first place, so you must have more of a problem than I do. You're a guy."
Mulch caught on.
"What have I started?" he groaned. Artemis just shook his head.
"Mulch, you have no idea."
"They can't be that good, mud whelp!"
Holly snickered.
"Why don't you read one and find out? Here." From out of nowhere, she pulled a squat paperback and handed it to Mulch. "But I need it back, that one's my favorite." Mulch took it suspiciously.
"Alright. I'll try it. But only because Foaly was-" He broke off, clapping a hand over his mouth.
"Foaly?" Holly shouted, "Foaly was reading them? And he had the gall to make fun of me! Oh, I'll get him for this…"
Argon wandered over to Artemis' bedside, away from the two now debating Artemis' latest romance novel.
"Well, Artemis, it seems that you're little books are getting quite popular down here. I myself was just glancing through Pages of the Heart, and I think we have quite a bit to talk about."
Artemis groaned. How he regretted reading that romance of Juliet's. Because, or so Juliet said, once you read one, you just have to read more. Or in Artemis' case, write them.