A/N- Sorry that it took so long to get a new chapter out, but I wasn't able to get to a computer while I was gone. Thank you for the reviews.
Chapter 14
Trembling he walks into the house, all traces of his grin gone from his face and any ounce of confidence he held snuffed out. Once again, he is daddy's scared, little boy. Blues flashing with foreign anger and hatred scan the living room before glancing up at the stairs. Briefly the assassin within peeps through, wondering if he can get by with murdering his own father. Taking a deep breath, he releases the anger and becomes shrouded in fear. He can smell it coming off of himself. Hears his heart hammering in his chest. Anxiety makes lighting dance in his veins. These are sensations that he's ran away from all his life. Amazing how one can be so brave in most aspects of his life, but become a frightened child because of one man. And like a toddler, he wishes like hell he could crawl into Andrew's lap and hide his face away.
The thought of the other man helps to calm him. He can't wait to run his fingers through the boy's brunette, silky locks, or to stare into hazels that are infused with passion. The man's cocky voice echoes wordlessly through his head. He recalls many nights of heated flesh pressed intimately against heated flesh. How often did his lips skim over the other's body? So impressed was he by such a gorgeous creature. His first love.
A stab of guilt. Another man's face pressing in on his thoughts. He shuts his eyes tight. Doesn't want to see his dead lover. Can't or else he'll wind up bawling like a baby. Whimpers escape him. It's hitting him hard. While Andrew had been his first love, they had been too young and immature to know what they really wanted, but Adamo had been his first love as a man and he loved him selfishly. He saw none of Adamo's flaws, and to this day isn't sure if the man possessed even one. They hadn't snuck around, he hadn't felt used. Adamo was proud of him, loved to show off his handsome boy toy as they jokingly called one another. All of Adamo's friends met him and loved him. He wasn't some dirty secret or a way to help get back at people. He was an equal.
He makes it to his room uninterrupted and begins to pack. Sneaking off like this is wrong and will only get him into more trouble. Sighing he runs a hand through his hair and replaces the gold band he wears on his middle finger on his left hand. He's surprised Andrew hadn't noticed it and asked the dreaded question. The ring was a gift from Adamo. Engraved upon it was I'll love you forever, Adamo. He couldn't let his father see the ring or he'd get the beating of a lifetime. Trailing his suitcase behind him, he replaces the keys to his father's car and picks up his own. On the way home, he decides, he'll stop at the cemetery to see his beloved. To ask for guidance, forgiveness.
Once in his car, his breathing steadies and he pulls away with a smile. The dogs locked in their cages for the night yap as he passes by. He sees movement by the drapes in his mother's room and knows that she at least understands he's leaving. Sometimes he wonders if he's almost too tragic because of her. Hiding behind her childlike guise to escape the pain, a tragic woman that doesn't know her own power or beauty. He knows his cruel streak comes from his father. Knows that he can destroy a child just as easily as his old man. Also, he knows he was granted the gift of sensitivity from his mother. The ability to choose whom to grant mercy to.
Every day, he wishes for forgiveness. Each day, he wonders when his number will be up. All seconds of the day plague him with thoughts of where do they go after he kills them. He's never been the type to wonder about heaven or hell. However, now he questions their existence all the time. The idea of being condemned to hell never bothered him too badly. His body being eaten up and decaying, disgusting but inevitable. Now, he wonders what Adamo would think of him. If he could hear his thoughts. Adamo believe in redemption. Adamo believed they'd be reunited in heaven. Adamo wanted to be cremated. Adamo hated bugs. Adamo loved sunshine and fire. Adamo was perfect.
Shaking his head, he dials a number that now is too familiar. "Hey," the sleepy voice says softly and he can picture Andrew rubbing his eyes like a child. "Hey, I'm on my way back home," he says and he hears almost a purring like sound escape the other male. "Alright, I'll see you a little later, then?" He nods then realizes how ridiculous it is. "Of course, if you really want to, that is?" A low chuckle of amusement reaches his ears. "Yeah, I do. I'll bring Chinese." "Okay, then I'll let you go back to bed." "Night, Justin." He shivers hearing his name practically purred out. "Night."
Pulling into the cemetery where Adamo's tombstone stands regally, he nervously catches his bottom lip between his teeth. He trembles as he approaches and realizes he's a fool. The ashes of his beloved are in a wooden box sitting near his bed, but he has to see the name etched in stone. Tears threaten to spill as he kneels in front of the tombstone. "I love him. I want to be with him. Just give me a sign that you approve. Your approval has always mattered more to me than any one else's." He knows it's foolish to wish for such a sign. Only in the movies does that happen. He knows his former lover best. He knows the laughing eyes and lips that curve into a smile. Knows that Adamo would tell him to go ahead and be with the one he loves but never forget him. "I do love you, you know?" Laughing to fill up the silence and wondering if he's going insane, Justin adds, "You're perfection." It was just like them to joke around. He remembers all the "I love you," "Sure you do," conversations. Petty arguments to get them riled up. "I do love you so much."
Driving away, he lets go of the past. Andrew is his future and he'll embrace it even if it is with baby steps.