Chapter 14 - Retelling

Back in the waiting room, Dr Barker and Dean sit down with Sam and Jordan. Dr Barker says, "Okay Dean, I've got one more request for the day and I know your head hurts so it's a lot for me to ask but what I would like is for you to tell Sam and Jordan what we've talked about this morning."

Dean looks at him, shrugs then turns back to the other two. He looks at each in turn, then focuses between the two and starts to speak, "We talked a lot..."

As he pauses, gathering his thoughts before going on, Jordan nudges his knee and says, "You talked a lot! God, he's better than we expected!" The corners of Dean's mouth twitch into a fleeting smile.

But it's Sam who can't hold back and says, "Well... what did you talk about?" The doctor watches as Jordan rolls his eyes and Dean gives another fleeting smirk.

"Impatient much, Sammy boy?" Jordan says. Dean gives his knee a nudge as if to say 'leave him be.' Jordan grins widely and sits back, with another eye roll to Dean and a finger placed on his lips.

Dean starts to talk again, this time he's turned slightly more towards Sam as if to reassure his brother that everything is fine. "We talked about my headaches and seizures, what they're like and what we do. We talked about the fact I can't read properly anymore." The doctor sees the other two wince at the way Dean says it as if it's final. "He showed me I've got a ... I can't remember the word, but I can't see stuff that's on my right. It's why I keep knocking stuff over and bumping into things."

"You can't see anything on your right?!" Jordan says incredulously. "And you didn't think it was worth telling us?" Sam looks just as stunned. Dean's eyes drop to the floor but he offers no defence.

Dr Barker interrupts, "Actually he didn't know... so he couldn't have told you. It's not that he can't see as such. It's more that the area where visual information from the right eye is processed is under pressure so the information isn't coming through correctly, so he's relying heavily on information from the left. The term you were looking for Dean, was "blind spot". So round here where his brain would rely heavily or solely on information from the right eye for vision, it doesn't register anything at all because it's garbled. Until today, he hasn't consciously been aware of it because as with us all, we know we can only see so far round without turning our heads, Dean had no reason to register fully that the area his brain is working on is smaller because it isn't a conscious thing."

"Sorry, I wasn't meaning to get at you dude," Jordan apologises.

Dean looks up again, then shrugs to show it doesn't matter. "Actually while we are talking apologies, I owe one to both Sam and Dean," Dr Barker continues. "When I was talking with Sam the other day, I hadn't fully appreciated how little information the two of you'd been given after the last scans. Anyway, Dean, you able to continue?"

"We talked about the scars and the pain they cause and an implant that might stop the seizures but," he looks back at the doctor and says," You have to find... the..." He rubs at his forehead as he struggles to find the word he's looking for. He gives up and finishes with "the right place for it" instead.

"That about sums it all up. We had a good session. What I would like to happen now, is for Dean to come in every morning next week. I'll do some assessment work with you, Dean, if that's okay. I'd like to do some work find out how you're coping now so things like we'll look at your motor control, your co-ordination, your reading, I know it's hard now but I still want to find out exactly how you get on, your reasoning skills. We have activities we can work through that will give us a measure of what you can do. We would then redo the activities at various stages after the operation so we would be able to quantify the effects of the process. At the end of next week, you get to decide, do we go ahead or do we call it a day? If we go ahead, we'll admit you the following Monday, but we'll talk more Dean, over the course of next week about what it would all entail."

"Yeah, next week, okay," Dean sounds exhausted.

"I tell you what, you head back to the car with Jordan and I'll sort out the appointments with Sam."

"Yeah, sure, Sorry, I think maybe I'll take my pills for my head when I get there."

"Sure, it was good to meet you today and I'll see you next week."

Jordan is at Dean's side as he rises. He takes the pill tubs and walks quietly out beside Dean, hand under his elbow to guide him gently out to the car.

Sam and Dr Barker watch in silence until the door swings closed behind Dean and Jordan, then Sam says, "Sorry," gesturing towards the door to show he's apologising for Dean's departure.

"Sam, am I to believe that you are apologising for something Dean has done or something Jordan has done?"

"Dean. He didn't used to be like this. Jordan too, I guess, making jokes, there's nothing to joke about."

"Firstly, no Dean isn't like he used to be but you shouldn't apologise for that and more importantly you mustn't make him feel like it's something to be apologising for. Both you and Dean have become very focused on what Dean can't do, what he gets wrong, how he's inadequate. Now don't get me wrong, I understand absolutely why that is, but you need to encourage him to be more positive about his achievements. If I told you that many people following a head trauma this extreme would not be walking or talking at this stage, some ever again. Your brother is managing to do both well. Yes he falls, stumbles, bumps into things, but he walks alone, unassisted, until he's too tired or in too much pain. When pressed, you can have a proper conversation with him, he can give lengthy answers, particularly if you talk about things from well before the attack. Sometimes he struggles to remember words or information but not as often as he thinks he does. Look at how much he's just told you about our chat. Again if you try to ensure that he's calm, not in too much pain or too tired, he remembers most things. Get him to look at you, so you know you are what he is focusing on. Try to treat him like you used to or at least to appear as if you are. He is deferring to you to make decisions he's quite capable of making, he's opting out of conversations because you will answer for him and you'll say the "right" thing."

"The other doctors wouldn't talk to him. They'd only talk to me. They treated him like he couldn't follow even a basic conversation."

"So you know why he does it, why he believes you have to answer the questions, but now don't let him get away with it. You know different, you know he can answer more often than not. You're going to need to be a bit of a mind reader or at least a situation reader, because you are going to have to judge when he is out of his depth for any reason. It's not like I'm asking much..." he says with a smile, "... but I know you're up to the job. You've got him this far, you can do it. As for apologising for Jordan's jokes, don't worry about him either, I'm sure he'll grow up one day. Actually I think he's good for your brother. Dean smiles at his jokes, I would guess they used to have similar senses of humour. He treats Dean like he's still human, still there. Yes he makes allowances, but he doesn't make an issue out of it either. Work together the two of you to help Dean. Now I am keen at this stage for us to work with Dean, but I do have one major reservation."

"We'll find the money somehow, I guarantee it."

"Not that one actually, I don't doubt that for an instant. Sam, you and Dean have been all over the place looking for help, you've had a real mix of doctors, some I can see exactly why one visit was more than enough, but others, maybe if you'd stuck with them for longer they might have got somewhere. Anyway, it's in the past, what I want from you now is an assurance that if Dean agrees to this treatment at the end of next week, that you will make sure he sticks with it. Even if things aren't going well. If this doesn't' work how we hope, we will not just abandon Dean. Will you abandon us?"

Sam can't bring himself to look at Dr Barker. He's embarrassed by how it must look, dragging Dean from place to place never stopping for long, looking for an answer, a fix but...

"Sam, you've had a difficult job since this happened to Dean. You've been working your way through a minefield with conflicting and misleading information, good and bad advice and no easy way to work out which is which. I am not criticising what is in the past. You have done the best you could, I don't doubt that. I am talking about now and what comes after. Will you commit to staying and working with us whatever happens? Will you give us time to find answers, time to do all we can for him? I can't promise a quick fix, I can't guarantee that the RNS will work for Dean. I can guarantee that we will do our damnedest to make things better, easier and to stop him being in pain and we won't just give up if things don't go well. Is that enough for you?"

"Yes." What more can he say? He wants to drag Dean back in here now and get them started. Hell, he'll scrub up himself, if they're short-staffed. "I promise we'll stay."

"If he agrees."

"We'll stay." Sam has decided already, Dean is staying regardless.

"Sam, Dean needs to want this."

"He does. He'll work hard, he will."

"I don't doubt it. So let's get those times worked out for next week."

Jordan is quiet until they clear the building. "I've got a bottle of water in the car, so you can take those pills as soon as we get there."

"Yeah, I think I need them. Just thought I didn't want to let Sam down."

"What do you mean?"

"Sam said to you earlier about not wanting me to take them because I'm good for nothing afterwards."

"Dean, Sam didn't want you not to take them if you needed them. You're an idiot, man. He wanted you not to need them. Sometimes, Dean, I think you deliberately misunderstand. For Christ's sake, you think Sam wants you to be in pain?"

"I didn't want to let him down."

"Yeah, right, 'cos you do that all the time! Seriously, dude, when was the last time you let Sam down, huh?"

When Dean doesn't answer, Jordan says, "You'd better be being quiet 'cos you can't think of a time and not because you think it's now. I'm amazed Jim didn't throttle you when we were kids at his. You want me to spell it out to you, Sam is proud of you. All this. How you've dealt with it, how much crap you've put up with, how much you've done despite it all. Got it. P-R-O-U-D just in case you've thinking of looking it up to find out what it means."

There is silence as Dean hesitates at the edge of a kerb. As the headache worsens and the stabbing pains increase, he grimaces and closes his eyes. Jordan takes his hand from Dean's elbow and places it round Dean's waist to support him more. In that instant of release, Dean gasps and snatches at the front of Jordan's jacket as the vertigo takes him. Jordan braces himself to stop them both falling. "I've got you, it's okay. We're almost there." He cuts off Dean's attempt to apologise as he guides him to the Chevelle, "So you want to stretch out in the back or get in the front."

"Back." Jordan opens the door and lowers Dean in, taking care to make sure his head clears the frame of the door.

As Dean moves to lie down, he stops him. "Hang on, just take these first." Leaning over into the front, he grabs the water bottle, then hands Dean the pills for his head as he unscrews the lid from the bottle.

Pills swallowed, Dean turns slightly angling so he can rest his cheek on the back of the seat. "You wanna lie down some?" Jordan asks quietly.

"Not just yet."

"You gonna hurl?"

Despite the pain, Dean's mouth twitches briefly into a grin. "Made that mistake once in your car, won't go there again."

"You better not, who knew you were such a girl after a drink," he smiles. He reaches round Dean for a t-shirt he's left in the car. He checks it's clean then tips some of the water onto it before folding it into a strip and resting it on Dean's forehead. "Not ideal, but the most I can manage right now."

Dean rests, eyes closed relishing the cool of the material for a few moments, before he attempts an answer, "Dude, I was fourteen! I blame you for whatever I drank 'cos I sure wasn't buying." Jordan remains crouched in front of him, at first waiting and watching, one hand resting on Dean's knee so he knows he's not alone. Then Jordan pulls himself up and moves to lift Dean's feet into the car. "Jay?"

"Yeah, it's me, just rest. You want to get comfortable ready for the ride back?"

"Jay... What do you think of... of..." Dean struggles to remember the doctor's name through the pain of his head. When it doesn't come, he settles for, "the doctor?"

"You like him? To me, Dr Barker seems to know what he's talking about. I like him, Dean."

"You think it's worth trying?"

"If you want to try it, I think it's worth it. If he can do something to make this easier, it'll be worth it. But it's up to you, not me, not Sam, not even the doc. It's your head he's going to play with; do you think you can go through with it? Do you want to go through with it?"

"I hate living like this, Jay. I hate being a burden."

"Dean, don't just go through with it because you don't want to be a burden, because that's a crap reason. You don't want to live like this, I get that. You think he's good enough, go ahead, you believe it might make it better, we're behind you, but if you want to keep looking to see if there's another option, then that's what we'll do Dean. It's going to be hard going through it, but I..."

"It's worth trying right? He seems..."

"Yeah, Dean, it's worth trying, if it's what you want."

"Yeah. I want it. Jay?"

"Uh-huh."

"I need you to promise me something."

Jordan's voice is cautious as he watches Dean, "What Dean?"

"If it goes wrong, if I die..."

"Dean, it's not going to happen."

"I said if," his voice is determined, "I need you to look out for Sam."

"Fine, whatever I'll look out for him if you die, but really dude, you're not lumbering me with your nerdy little brother."

Jordan closes the back door and moves around the car, a shiver passing through him as he thinks of Dean dying. "Not gonna happen," he promises himself as he unlocks his door. As he sits in his own seat, he looks back at Dean, sees he's settled himself against the side of the car with his eyes closed again.

He moves to put the key in to turn the engine on, when Dean's voice breaks into his thoughts again, "Jordan, there's something else..."

"You're not going to die, Dean. Sam is much better off with you looking out for him than me. You know that."

"If I'm worse... if... if it's just machines keeping me going, if it's not me... turn them off. Don't let them make Sam decide, you do it, let it be my decision. I know I have no right to ask you, but..."

"Dean," Jordan runs his hand over his face and turns to lean over the seat. He sees Dean watching him. "Dean you are the only one who could ask and yes, okay, yes if it comes to it, I'll do it, but god damn you, it better not come to it because I'll never forgive you if it does."

"Thank you."

"Whatever. I'm going to pull the car over to the waiting spot by the door so we can set off as soon as Sam is back. Why don't you get some sleep, get rid of that headache?" He turns back, swallowing deeply as he turns the engine on. He looks in his rearview mirror and sees Dean, eyes closed, discomfort still clear on his face.

Jordan pulls over to the door of the building and turns the engine off. Resting his elbows on the steering wheel, he puts his head into his hands and massages his temples; Dean isn't the only one with a headache now.

"Jay, the car..."

"No Dean! Trust me, I don't need to look out for the Impala, Sam knows better than to treat her with disrespect."

"Not mine, yours..."

"What? My girl's fine."

"She needs tuning, the plugs are misfiring."

"Oh that, I know but she's waiting for her 'Uncle Dean' to do it."

"I can't do it now."

"No Dean, you can't do it right now but my girl will wait for you, she don't mind."

"Anyone would think you didn't know how…" Dean's voice is quiet and weary but he feels soothed by the conversation, a reminder that he isn't on his own with the pain in his head now.

"Oh I know how, but you still owe my girl for hurling in her when you were fourteen, dude."

"Jay that was fourteen years ago. Are you sure you know how?"

"Trust me, your Sammy was the only one to escape Bobby's instruction on car maintenance and I still haven't worked out how he did it!"

"He's a geek and even Bobby couldn't fight that." Jordan looks back and sees some of the tension has left Dean. Dean's eyes are open a crack and he says, "Yeah, the pills are working, I'll be asleep soon."

"Glad to hear it."